I'm not sure if I'm a victim of online grooming. When I was younger, I met someone on a popular writing website. I had just discovered I was bisexual, and she was too. She eventually confessed romantic feelings, and I nervously agreed to a relationship. It went bad from there - she used self-harm and suicide threats with images to keep me online and compliant. She would force me to engage in sexual fetish-y roleplay, even when I expressed discomfort. I eventually broke it off about a year later by blocking her. This experience, along with two others with different partners, contributed to my C-PTSD and identifying as caedromantic (experiencing romantic attraction that is later repulsed or fades). I've tried discussing these experiences with therapists but never got clear validation about what happened. It's been 8 years now, and I just want to understand what occurred.

Thank you so much for reaching out and sharing your story with us. It takes a lot of courage to revisit painful experiences, especially ones that have been causing confusion and distress for so many years. I'm sorry to hear that you've been carrying this burden without the clarity and support you deserve.

What you've described has many details aligned with incidents of online grooming and exploitation. When someone uses threats of self-harm or suicide to control another person's behavior and forces them into sexual activities despite expressed discomfort, this is a form of sexual coercion and emotional abuse. The power dynamic you described—where she manipulated you into compliance through threats—is particularly harmful.

From what you've shared, it sounds like you were subjected to manipulative and abusive behavior during a very vulnerable time in your life. You were just beginning to explore your identity and understand your feelings. Connecting with someone online who seemed to share your experiences might have felt exciting or comforting initially. However, when this person began using self-harm and suicide threats to keep you engaged and compliant, it crossed a serious line into emotional abuse.

Forcing you to participate in sexual fetish roleplay against your will is also a form of sexual abuse, even when it happens online. Consent is crucial in any interaction, and coercion negates genuine consent. The fact that you expressed discomfort and she continued to pressure you indicates that your boundaries were not respected.

The effects you're experiencing, including C-PTSD symptoms and changes in how you experience romantic attraction, are common responses to sexual trauma. Many survivors struggle with trust, intimacy, and relationships after experiencing exploitation. These responses aren't weaknesses but rather your mind's way of trying to protect you from further harm.

It's understandable that you're seeking confirmation and trying to make sense of what happened. Finding validation for online sexual trauma can be particularly challenging, as these experiences sometimes don't fit into traditional definitions people hold about sexual violence. However, your experience is valid regardless of whether it fits neatly into a specific category.

It's significant that you were able to recognize the harmful situation and take steps to protect yourself by blocking this person. This shows remarkable strength and self-preservation instincts. Remember, none of this was your fault. You were navigating new and confusing emotions, and the responsibility lies entirely with the person who manipulated and coerced you.

While seeking understanding is natural and important, healing doesn't always require perfect clarity about labels or categories.  Remember that healing isn't linear, and there's no timeline for processing these experiences. Your feelings and responses—whatever they may be—are valid parts of your journey. You deserve understanding, compassion, and support as you continue to heal. Thank you for trusting us with this.