When I was younger, I was looking after my cousin, who was a toddler at the time. I remember being curious and touching his private parts for a few moments. I didn’t do it to get aroused. I was just curious about what it felt like. I thought it was a weird thing to do, but it never occurred to me that I was SA’ing him. When I got older, I realized how bad what I did was, and I’ve been full of shame ever since. I’ve never done anything like that again and never would. I have no attraction to kids. Part of me thinks I was a naive kid with a rough upbringing who didn’t have the tools to make a better decision, but another part of me is sick over what I did and feels like I deserve to be treated like a monster. My cousin and I are both adults now, and he doesn’t know about this. If he did remember, I would do everything I could to help him heal. I feel like I don’t deserve anything and that everyone would hate me if they knew. Is there anything redeemable about me, and what do I do with this shame?

Thank you for trusting this space with something you have carried alone for so long. It sounds like you have already recognized how harmful this was. That recognition matters. Your cousin was a toddler who could not consent (meaning he had no ability to understand or agree to what was happening) and he had no way to protect his own boundaries. Naming that clearly isn't meant to crush you. It is part of what makes genuine accountability possible.

At the same time, the full picture matters for how you understand yourself. You were young, with a rough upbringing and, as you put it, without the tools to make a better decision. That context is not an excuse, but it is genuinely relevant. The parts of the brain responsible for impulse control and for fully grasping consequences are still developing throughout adolescence and into a person's mid-twenties. Young people who grow up in difficult or chaotic environments also often don't receive education about bodies, boundaries, or consent, and they sometimes act out of confusion or curiosity in ways they later understand very differently. Looking back at a younger version of yourself only through an adult lens is not the same as understanding what was happening for that young person in that moment.

There is also a significant body of research on harmful sexual behavior in young people. One of its most consistent findings is that most young people who engage in this kind of behavior do not go on to repeat it, particularly when it was driven by curiosity rather than a predatory pattern. A predatory pattern refers to someone deliberately seeking out and targeting others to harm. What you describe is something that happened out of curiosity, has never been repeated, involves no attraction to children, and has been followed by years of remorse. That looks very different from what people often picture when they imagine someone dangerous. You recognized the harm as you matured, and rather than fading into rationalization, it has stayed with you as real moral weight. You've also said that if your cousin remembered, you would do everything you could to help him heal. That is the posture of someone who cares deeply about the harm and doesn't know what to do with that caring.

It may help to understand the difference between guilt and shame. Guilt says, "I did something harmful, and I need to reckon with that." Guilt can move. It can become accountability, growth, and a commitment to living differently. Shame says, "I am something harmful, I am irredeemable, I deserve nothing." Shame tends to calcify, meaning it hardens and stays fixed, keeping people frozen in a loop of self-punishment that doesn't repair anything or protect anyone. The part of you that feels you deserve to be treated like a monster sounds like shame that has been sitting in isolation for years. Shame in isolation almost never leads to healing. It just gets heavier. Holding yourself accountable and treating yourself with compassion are not opposites, and people tend to grow most when they can do both.

You asked whether there is anything redeemable about you. The question itself is evidence of something. You have lived for years without repeating this harm, you hold what happened with genuine moral weight, and you want to be better. That is not nothing. That is actually quite a lot.

One of the most meaningful steps you can take is to stop carrying this entirely alone. A therapist with experience in shame, trauma, and sexual harm can offer a space to sort through all of this, not because you are broken, but because it is too much to work through without support. It may help to look for someone familiar with moral injury, meaning the deep distress that comes from having acted against your own values, or with problematic sexual behavior in adolescents, since that framing can help you find someone who understands this specific terrain. The Psychology Today therapist finder lets you filter by specialty and includes sliding-scale options, meaning lower-cost sessions based on what you can afford. Stop It Now (stopitnow.org, 1-888-PREVENT / 1-888-773-8368) offers free, confidential, non-judgmental support specifically for people working through harm they caused, including things that happened years ago, and they can explain how their confidentiality works before you share anything.

When it comes to bringing this up your cousin, that decision deserves careful thought, ideally with the guidance of a professional who can help you consider whether reaching out would serve him or would mainly serve your own need for relief. You don't have to figure that out today.

What you did was harmful, and you are not the worst thing you have ever done. You are someone who has lived with remorse, who has never repeated the harm, and who is asking how to move forward with integrity. There is a path between self-destruction and minimization. It is honest, it is hard, and you do not have to walk it alone. We are so glad you reached out.