When I was around 6, my mom went out of town for the first time. My dad asked if I wanted to sleep with him that night. I said no, but then he asked why I slept with my mom when he was away on business trips but refused to sleep with him. I felt guilty and gave in. He taught me what spooning was, told me I would be the little spoon and he would be the big spoon, and said it was something he and my mom often did in bed together. It kept happening throughout my childhood whenever my mom was away. I think eventually I was naked on those nights, but I don’t remember if my dad was naked too or if he wore his robe. I’m having confusing thoughts and feelings about all of it. Was this just a boundary violation, or was it sexual abuse?

Thank you for sharing this with us. I’m so glad you reached out. Memories like these can stay tangled for a long time, and it takes a lot to put them into words the way you just did.

I want to start with something you wrote almost in passing. You said no. At 6, you told your dad you didn't want to sleep in his bed, and he answered by asking why you would sleep with your mom but not with him. You felt guilty, and you gave in. Children are wired to keep their caregivers close and happy, so guilt from a parent carries enormous weight. The power difference between a parent and a young child also makes it nearly impossible to keep saying no. Giving in under that kind of pressure is different from agreeing. Your no was real, and the adult whose job was to protect it overrode it. None of that is on you.

On your question itself, boundary violations and sexual abuse overlap more than your question might suggest. Sexual abuse always involves a boundary violation, and child sexual abuse is defined more broadly than many people assume. Researchers and clinicians don't require genital touching. Their definitions include exposing a child to sexual framing or content, and contact that serves an adult's needs rather than the child's.

When clinicians try to understand where an experience falls, they often ask a few questions. Was the child's refusal respected? Was the activity framed in adult romantic or sexual terms? Did it change or escalate over time? Whose needs was it meeting? Several parts of what you shared touch on those questions. Your dad described spooning as something he and your mom did together in bed, which placed you in a role usually held by a partner. It happened specifically when your mom was gone, and it continued for years. At some point, you remember being naked. Some people use the word "grooming" for a pattern where an adult slowly makes something feel normal to a child, using guilt, special rituals, or adult framing to move them past their own discomfort. You might find that word fits, or you might not.

Going back and forth, believing something was wrong one moment and doubting yourself the next, is one of the most common experiences when the person involved is a parent. Doubting yourself doesn't mean nothing happened. You are allowed to love your dad and still question what he did. One does not cancel out the other.

It is also very common not to remember every detail, like whether your dad was clothed. The brain often stores childhood experiences in fragments rather than as one continuous story, especially experiences that were confusing or repeated over time. The missing pieces don't make what you do remember any less real, and you don't need the full picture to take your feelings seriously.

Only you get to decide what to call this, and you don't have to decide today. One thing that might help is to write out two short lists. In the first, put what you know for certain about those nights. In the second, put what your body and mind felt then, and what they feel now when you think back. The point is to give your own knowing some room to speak, without any pressure to reach a verdict. Whatever language you land on, you were a child, and you deserved to have your no honored. Thank you for trusting us with this. We know this can be a lot to take in. Please reach out with any additional questions.