From ages 6 or 7 until 10, my sister and I would act out sexual acts together, mimicking what we saw in movies. We stopped around age 10 when we realized it was inappropriate. At age 12, we briefly re-enacted sexual acts and again realized it was inappropriate. Later, my mother's husband engaged in inappropriate behavior with me including inappropriate conversations, comments about my body, and eventually sending pornography and sex toys when I was 14. My mother knew about his behavior. After receiving these items, my sister told me we were alone in the world and must give each other sexual experiences. I said no but she persisted, and eventually performed oral sex on me. I tried to reciprocate but couldn't, and nothing further happened between us. I know what my mother's husband did was grooming and abuse, but what about my sister? She has apologized but I don't think she understands the impact. I can't have partners perform oral sex on me to this day and have anxiety around sex. Is what happened with my sister abuse?

I'm so sorry for everything you experienced. I want to start by naming that what happened with your mother's husband sounds like grooming and sexual abuse. He was an adult in a position of power who deliberately created situations to sexualize you, violated appropriate boundaries, exposed you to pornographic material, and manipulated the relationship between you and your sister through his actions. Your mother's failure to protect you and her participation in sharing private information about your body may have compounded this harm. None of what he did was your fault. His grooming didn't just directly harm you, it also may have created an environment that influenced how your sister understood relationships, boundaries, and sexuality as well.

Regarding your sister, what you're describing is complex because it involves different circumstances at different ages. The sexual play in early childhood, when you were both very young children engaging in similar behaviors together, often falls into a category that reflects childhood curiosity rather than abuse. What changed at age 14 is significant. By that time, you were both teenagers who had been exposed to your mother's husband's grooming, pornography, and the explicit message that you should provide sexual experiences for each other. When your sister told you that you were alone in the world and must give each other sexual experiences...when she persisted after you said no...and when she performed oral sex on you despite your reluctance, she crossed a boundary that caused you harm.

Even when siblings are close in age, sexual contact that involves pressure or coercion can be a form of sibling sexual abuse, especially when one person feels unable to refuse or when the environment has stripped away the possibility of true, informed consent. It sounds like you had very little room to say no in an already unstable situation. Your sister was also harmed by the adults in your environment, yet her actions still hurt you, and both of these truths can exist simultaneously.

The lasting impact you describe (e.g. your inability to experience pleasure when partners perform oral sex on you, your anxiety around sex) reflects how deeply this experience affected you. Your body remembers saying no and being pressured anyway. Your body remembers that first experience of oral sex being connected to coercion rather than genuine desire and safety. This is a trauma response, and it's completely understandable given what you went through.

Your sister's apology suggests some awareness that she caused harm, even if she may not fully grasp the depth of its impact on your life. You get to decide what feels true for you about this experience and what terminology, if any, feels right to describe it. What matters most is acknowledging the harm you experienced and recognizing that you were a child who needed guidance and protection from adults that you simply didn't receive. Any blame you feel about what happened belongs instead to those who created and maintained an abusive environment. You deserve support that honors the complexity of your story, as well as your right to find a sense of safety, boundaries, and deeper understanding around intimacy now. It's possible to heal at your own pace while making sense of how the past shaped your life. Thank you for trusting us with this.