When I was 9, I played with my 5-year-old neighbor where we imitated what we saw on a reality TV show—a man and woman sitting together and flirting. I think it was my idea, and I remember pretending to kiss but not actually kissing. We were caught and stopped, and I felt really bad at the time. Now as an adult, I can't help but feel like I abused them. I have OCD, which might be making this worse because I keep thinking maybe I coerced them or that it could have escalated if we hadn't been stopped. I recently learned about COCSA and can't help but feel like I committed it. Did I do something wrong?

Thank you for reaching out to us. It sounds like you’re carrying a lot of worry about a childhood memory that has resurfaced as you’ve learned more about sexual abuse and tried to fit your experience into that understanding. At nine years old, you were both children, still learning about boundaries and relationships. Many kids explore what they see on TV or around them without fully grasping adult concepts like consent or the real significance of those actions. It’s also very common for people with OCD to get stuck analyzing old memories, especially those involving any kind of developmentally normal curiosity, and to feel intense guilt or shame that doesn’t necessarily match what was actually happening at the time.

Looking back with an adult perspective can make childhood play feel more serious or sinister than it really was, especially if you’re anxious about the possibility of having caused harm. There’s a difference between children experimenting or imitating something they don’t fully understand and a situation where a child uses power, force, or coercion in a harmful way. If you recall stopping immediately when adults intervened, and if there was no ongoing pressure or manipulation, that suggests it was more a moment of childish imitation rather than a calculated decision to harm someone. Feeling bad at the time also shows you recognized something wasn’t right, which is normal for children suddenly realizing they’re doing something they shouldn’t.

If these thoughts are spinning and causing you distress, it might help to talk to a mental health professional, particularly someone who understands OCD, so you can work through any guilt or intrusive worries. Remember that you were a child yourself, operating with a child’s understanding and impulsivity, not an adult intention to harm. You deserve compassion for the younger version of you who simply copied a situation you saw on TV without grasping its adult implications. It doesn’t make you an abuser to look back and regret or feel unsettled about a past game you didn’t truly comprehend at the time. You have the right to acknowledge that experience, process any lingering guilt, and recognize you were just a child exploring something you didn’t fully understand. Thank you for trusting us with this.