When I was 6 years old, my grandfather touched my penis one night and had me touch his. He didn't force me, and at that time I didn't feel uncomfortable with what was happening or what he asked me to do. I even looked forward to it happening again the next night. I felt curious and wanted more. Does this make me complicit or guilty?

I'm so sorry you went through something that's left you feeling uncertain about your role in it. It can be deeply confusing to look back on childhood experiences with adult eyes. Although you may have been curious or even welcomed the attention at the time, it was never your fault. Children are wired to seek affection and approval from adults, and it's very common for them to mistake harmful behavior for something acceptable when it comes from a trusted older figure. At six years old, you could not have fully understood what was happening or made an informed decision, and the responsibility for maintaining safe, appropriate boundaries always lies with the adult.

Feeling as though you "wanted it" back then does not make you complicit or guilty. A child's curiosity is natural, and that curiosity does not justify an adult's choice to engage in sexual behavior. You were not in a position to consent or truly know what was going on. Your grandfather was the adult in this situation, and he had all the power and all the responsibility. He knew what he was doing was wrong, and he chose to do it anyway. The fact that he didn't use physical force doesn't change the reality that he violated your trust and crossed boundaries that should never have been crossed with a child.

It's understandable that this might feel confusing, and you might blame yourself for not saying no or for expecting it to continue, but the fault and responsibility lie solely with your grandfather. Children's brains aren't developed enough to understand the true nature of sexual contact or its long-term implications. Some children may even experience physical sensations that feel confusing, or they may seek out the attention because they crave connection with that adult. None of this means you wanted the abuse or that you share any responsibility for what happened. Your body's natural responses and your childhood feelings of curiosity do not equal consent. Children cannot consent to sexual contact with adults... period.

You were a child who deserved to be protected and cared for, not to be made to feel guilty for something you could not control. If you find yourself struggling with these thoughts, you might find it helpful to talk with someone you trust or reach out to a professional who focuses on helping people work through the effects of childhood trauma. You're not alone in feeling this way, and with the right support you can better understand that none of it happened because of anything you did wrong. You were never an accomplice. You were a child who deserved safety and understanding.

Please take gentle care of yourself, and know that you are not at fault. You deserved protection, and your curiosity and willingness to please do not put any blame on you. You are worthy of compassion and support as you process these memories.