Now that I'm an adult, I understand what grooming is. Some of the people who abused me, I thought were my family, and later found out we weren't even related. What I thought was spending time with my grandmother was really her grooming me for my grandfather. How do I stop referring to them as grandma and grandpa? I know we weren't related from a very young age, but they were all I knew. I've tried to refer to them by their first names, but it just doesn't feel right. But I also don't like what happens to my chest when I say grandma and grandpa either.

Thank you for trusting us with this. What you're describing is such a profound betrayal on multiple levels. It sounds like these people manipulated not only your body and your boundaries, but also your understanding of who they were to you and what family meant. The grief and confusion you're experiencing around what to call them makes complete sense because language is tied to identity, memory, and meaning. It sounds like you're not just changing names. You're reworking your entire understanding of those relationships, and it's understandable to feel distress about how to address people who played a grandmotherly and grandfatherly role in your life but were in fact groomers.

The physical sensation in your chest when you use those familial terms is your body telling you something important. That tightness or discomfort is a trauma response, your nervous system recognizing the disconnect between the words you're using and the reality of what those people did to you. If you feel your chest tighten at certain words, that's your body's way of signaling distress, and it might need time to adjust to new terms or, if needed, to no terms at all. At the same time, using their first names doesn't feel right either because for so long, those weren't the names that held meaning in your world. You're caught between two truths: the relationship you believed you had and the reality of what was actually happening.

There's no right or wrong way to refer to them now, and it may help to experiment with different names before settling on something that feels dignified to you while acknowledging what they did. Some survivors find it helpful to create new terms entirely—sometimes simply saying "the people who raised me," "that couple," "that person," or "the man who hurt me" can be enough.

Others may choose entirely new labels based on first initials, using their first and last names together to create distance, or another reference that removes any endearing connotation. Some survivors alternate depending on context: using familial terms when talking about childhood memories because that reflects how you experienced it at the time, while using first names or other descriptors when talking about the abuse or your current understanding. Some people find that over time, one approach starts to feel more natural than others, while some continue to struggle with it, and both of those experiences are valid. It might feel strange at first, and that's completely normal. Healing often involves making changes that unsettle old patterns.

What matters most is giving yourself permission to navigate this however you need to, even if it's messy or inconsistent. You might use different terms on different days, or in different conversations, or even within the same sentence. Your healing doesn't require you to have this figured out perfectly. You're allowed to talk about them in any way that protects your peace.

If you find it difficult to navigate these feelings alone, confiding in a trained counselor or reaching out to a support service can be a helpful next step, giving you a space to process the complicated emotions around renaming people you once saw as part of your family. Above all, be patient and gentle with yourself while you find the words that feel safe and reflect the truth of your own story. Thank you for reaching out to us.