I've engaged in self-mutilation with cutting after sexual assault. I target areas the perpetrator touched or aroused. My thoughts are to make my skin look different than the body they touched. I see my body in the mirror as my reflection right after the assault happened. Is this something common that doesn't get talked about? The more I scar myself, the more I feel like they're gone, or at least that's what I try to believe. I'm getting help through therapy for both the assault and self-injury. Is it normal to want to stop arousal and flashbacks by any means necessary?

I'm so sorry you've been feeling this way, and I'm grateful you felt safe enough to share your experience. What you're describing is a trauma response that many sexual assault survivors experience but is rarely discussed openly. It's not unusual for survivors of sexual violence to feel an overwhelming need to reclaim their bodies in the aftermath, and self-harm can sometimes appear in these moments as a way to cope. When you mention cutting the very places he touched in order to make your skin look different, it sounds like it might reflect your attempt to regain control over a body that was violated. This is one way survivors may attempt to create physical distance from their trauma memories.

For many survivors, the particular kind of self-injury you describe doesn't always come up in everyday conversation, yet it can be more common than people realize. The distress you feel looking in the mirror and seeing yourself exactly as you were after he hurt you can be incredibly painful. Trauma can freeze certain images and sensations in our minds, making us feel stuck in that moment even when we're safe, and altering your skin may feel like a way to distance yourself from those memories and separate your present self from those traumatic moments.

Feeling that you will do whatever it takes to stop arousal or flashbacks is also a response many survivors recognize and is completely understandable. These involuntary bodily responses can feel like ongoing violations, making you feel as though your body is still connected to the assault in ways that are deeply distressing. Trauma can lead us to seek any means of relief when faced with overwhelming reminders, and self-harm becomes a desperate attempt to quiet that turmoil, blot out that sense of helplessness, or serve as a momentary release. Many survivors describe feeling betrayed by their own physical responses and desperately seeking ways to regain control. What you're feeling can certainly be a facet of the broader range of self-harm, and it doesn't make you any less worthy of help and compassion.

I hear that you're already getting therapy and I want you to know that seeking support is such a courageous and important step. It's encouraging that you're working with a therapist who understands both sexual trauma and self-injury. Speaking openly with a professional can help you develop healthier ways to cope and to gradually replace self-injury with a sense of safety and self-care. Recovery from sexual assault often involves learning new ways to manage flashbacks and reconnect with your body in positive ways through body-based therapies, grounding techniques, and trauma-focused treatments that can be particularly helpful in processing these specific experiences and developing coping strategies that still provide the sense of control and relief you're seeking.

When you feel ready, there are alternative ways to reclaim your body and manage intense emotions that can provide some of the same relief without causing physical harm. Some survivors find that using washable markers or temporary tattoos on areas they want to alter gives them a sense of changing their appearance without permanent damage. Ice cubes held against the skin or flicking the skin with a rubberband can provide intense physical sensation that interrupts emotional overwhelm. Creating new positive associations with your body through gentle self-massage with scented lotions, or covering areas with beautiful temporary decorations like henna, can help you reclaim ownership in nurturing ways. Intense physical exercise, cold showers, or progressive muscle relaxation can help discharge the energy that builds up before self-harm urges. For flashbacks specifically, grounding techniques like naming five things you can see, four you can touch, three you can hear, two you can smell, and one you can taste can help bring you back to the present moment and remind your nervous system that you are safe now. These are just some ideas, but only you can experiment with what works for you.

It doesn't mean these urges will disappear overnight, and it doesn't mean you can't experience setbacks, but it does mean there is a way forward that doesn't involve harming yourself. You deserve patience and kindness from yourself in the same way you give it to others, especially in the aftermath of such a painful violation. You're not alone in this, and the urge to separate yourself from those memories is something other survivors have felt. Your healing journey is valid, and the feelings you're experiencing are a normal response to an abnormal and traumatic situation. Healing might not always be straightforward, but you're taking courageous steps by acknowledging these feelings and working with someone who can guide you. With continued support and treatment, many survivors find ways to feel safe and at peace in their bodies again. You deserve to feel safe in your own skin again.