It's been 32 years and I still struggle. When I was young, an older man initiated me into sexual things near my home. A few weeks later, I physically assaulted him (I'm a non-violent person, but I did) and my family punished me without ever asking why. Around the same time, my "best friend" abused me for an entire summer, using access to a PC as leverage to make me pleasure him. I never told anyone until 2 years ago. When I told my wife, she didn't fully understand, and I wasn't able to share everything. I acted it out until my late 20s and carry a lot of shame around that, especially because I was already in a relationship at the time. I've been in therapy for 6 years, but my therapist seems to minimize what I experienced. How do I overcome this?

Thank you for trusting us with this. That fact that you are seeking understanding after 32 years of carrying this, is a testament to your strength, even if it is hard to recognize that in this moment. What you endured was real and serious, and the ways it has rippled through your life make complete sense.

The physical response toward the man who initiated you into sexual things is something worth holding with a lot of compassion. Children who experience sexual harm often don't have the words or the safe adults to tell, and sometimes the body and the spirit find other outlets. That act was not evidence of a character flaw. It was a child trying to respond to something overwhelming that no child should ever face. The fact that your family punished you without curiosity, without asking why their calm, non-violent child had acted so out of character, is itself a significant wound. That silence and misattribution of blame can be just as lasting as the original harm.

What your friend did, using access and leverage to coerce you into sexual acts, is a form of abuse that is often misunderstood, especially when it happens between peers or people close in age. The confusion, the shame, and the way it can blur in memory because it came from someone who was supposed to be safe is a very normal response to something that was not normal or okay.

Acting it out in your later years is something many survivors experience, and it is one of the least talked about and most shame-inducing parts of surviving childhood sexual harm. It is not a moral failing. It is a trauma response. The shame you feel is understandable, but it does not mean you are a bad person. It means you were a person who was hurt and never given the tools to heal.

Regarding your therapist minimizing what you perceive as abuse, please trust your perception. You do not need a clinical label or someone else's validation to know that what happened to you caused harm. Six years is a long time to invest in a therapeutic relationship, and if you are consistently feeling minimized, it may be worth exploring whether this particular therapist is well-matched to trauma work, specifically complex or childhood trauma. Trauma-specialized modalities such as EMDR, somatic therapy, or trauma-focused approaches have strong evidence behind them and are worth asking about or seeking out. You deserve a therapist who meets the full weight of your experience with the seriousness it deserves.

Telling your wife, even partially, after 32 years of silence was an enormous act of courage. The fact that she didn't fully understand is painful, but it is also unfortunately not uncommon. Partners often don't have the framework to comprehend this kind of harm, especially when it's shared in pieces. Some survivors find that couples therapy with a trauma-informed therapist helps bridge that gap, not to relitigate the past, but to build a shared language going forward.

Healing from something this layered and this long-carried is not linear, and "overcoming" it may look less like making it disappear and more like slowly loosening its grip. I wish you more moments of peace, more self-compassion, and more room to live fully. That is possible and you deserve that.