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Is it still child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA) or sexual assault if the offender feels bad for it and feels guilty?
Answer by Dr. Laura
PhD Mental Health Nurse & Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner
Thank you for bringing up this important question. To answer your question simply: Yes, it is still considered COCSA or sexual assault even if the offender feels bad for their actions and feels guilty afterward. The feelings of the person who committed the harmful act do not change the nature of what happened or its impact on the person who was harmed.
Sexual abuse and assault are defined by actions that violate someone's boundaries and consent, regardless of the offender's intentions or subsequent emotions. While an offender's guilt may indicate that they recognize their behavior was wrong, it doesn't erase the harm caused or alter the fact that the behavior was abusive.
It's important to focus on the impact of the actions on the survivor. The survivor's feelings, experiences, and healing process are valid and deserve attention and support, irrespective of how the offender feels afterward. Healing from such experiences can be challenging, and acknowledging the reality of what happened is a crucial step toward recovery.
If the offender feels guilty, it may be a sign that they recognize the need to change their behavior and seek help. In cases involving children, it's possible that the child who caused harm may not have fully understood the seriousness of their actions at the time, and might benefit from professional guidance to prevent future harm.
However, the primary concern should always be the well-being of the person who was harmed. Their needs come first, and they deserve compassionate support. It's essential to remember that the responsibility for the abuse lies solely with the person who caused harm, regardless of any feelings of guilt or remorse they may have.
If you or someone you know has experienced COCSA or sexual assault, it might be helpful to reach out to a trusted adult, counselor, or professional who can provide support and guidance. Healing is possible, and you don't have to navigate this journey alone. Thank you for asking this question. We appreciate it.
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Grounding activity
Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud:
5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window)
4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?)
3 – things you can hear
2 – things you can smell
1 – thing you like about yourself.
Take a deep breath to end.
From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at.
Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one).
Take a deep breath to end.
Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud:
1. Where am I?
2. What day of the week is today?
3. What is today’s date?
4. What is the current month?
5. What is the current year?
6. How old am I?
7. What season is it?
Take a deep breath to end.
Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder.
Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud.
Take a deep breath to end.
Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment.
Take a deep breath to end.