I'm questioning whether I experienced sexual abuse as a child. When my mom was out of town, my dad would pressure me to sleep in his bed. If I said no, he would express hurt feelings and say I slept with mom when he was gone, so why wouldn't I sleep with him? I would eventually give in. During these nights, he taught me about spooning and said he and my mom did it together. He was always naked and would cuddle and spoon with me. Eventually I started sleeping naked too. This continued through my teen years until he passed away when I was 17. I don't remember if anything happened beyond this contact, but I feel really ashamed now. He also sometimes came into the bathroom to talk to me while I was showering, which made me uncomfortable, but I didn't voice my discomfort. Was I sexually abused, or am I overthinking this? Should I feel ashamed?

I'm so sorry to hear that you are grappling with these complex emotions. What you're describing can absolutely be considered sexual abuse. Sleeping naked with your father, engaging in spooning, and being pressured to share a bed are behaviors that cross the appropriate boundaries between a parent and child. Additionally, him entering the bathroom while you were showering, despite your discomfort, further violates personal space and privacy. These actions are not appropriate parental behavior.

The manipulation your father used-- making you feel guilty by comparing the situation to sleeping with your mother and expressing "hurt feelings" when you initially said no-- is a classic tactic unsafe adults use to override a child's natural discomfort and boundaries. Children should never be made to feel responsible for managing an adult's emotions, especially around inappropriate requests. Your instinct to say no initially was absolutely correct and healthy.

It's important to recognize that as a child and teenager, you were in a vulnerable position with no real power to refuse or stop what was happening. Children often rely on their parents for guidance on what is normal or acceptable, and it can be incredibly confusing when a parent initiates inappropriate behavior. Your feelings of shame and discomfort are valid and understandable reactions to what happened, but this shame belongs to your father, not to you.

Feeling uncertain about labeling these experiences as abuse is common, especially when they involve a family member. Many survivors of childhood sexual abuse struggle with self-doubt, particularly when the abuse involved manipulation, gradual boundary violations, or was presented as "normal" by the person who harmed them. You are not overthinking things, and you have every right to acknowledge the impact these experiences have had on you. The responsibility lies entirely with your father, who should have maintained appropriate boundaries and respected your autonomy.

You deserve support in processing these experiences and the complex emotions that come with them. It might be helpful to speak with a mental health professional who specializes in childhood sexual abuse and trauma. A therapist can provide a safe space for you to explore your emotions and help you navigate the healing process. 

You do not have to carry this burden alone. Seeking support is a brave and positive step toward understanding and healing. You deserve compassion, understanding, and to live free from the shame that was never rightfully yours to carry. Healing is possible. Thank you for trusting us with this.