I'm currently processing a difficult situation in my marriage. A few months ago, during a period when I was struggling with depression and trauma from a sexual assault that occurred before meeting my husband, an incident happened that has left me confused and hurting. One night, while my husband was intoxicated, he initiated sex. I clearly declined because I wasn't in a good mental state. After I went to sleep, I woke up to discover he had removed my pajama bottoms and was engaging in sexual acts without my consent. Since this happened, I've been grappling with complex emotions and uncertainty about whether my feelings are valid or if I'm being influenced by my previous trauma. My husband has shown deep remorse - he's stopped drinking completely and seems to be struggling emotionally with what he did. I asked him to move out temporarily, and we've started couples counseling to see if we can work through this. However, I'm finding it difficult to process everything. I worry that if I can't move past this, I'm destroying my family's stability and causing my husband pain. I'm unsure if my previous assault is making me more sensitive to this situation or if my feelings of violation and breach of trust are warranted on their own.

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. I am so sorry you are going through this. I want to acknowledge the depth and complexity of what you are experiencing, particularly given the layered context of processing both past and present trauma during a vulnerable time in your life.

Based on the details you've shared  (waking up to discover your husband engaging in sexual acts after you explicitly declined consent while awake, and while you were sleeping and therefore unable to consent) these behaviors do seem to align with the legal and clinical definitions of sexual assault. The fact that you were in a particularly vulnerable state, dealing with depression and processing previous trauma, adds important context for understanding the severity of this violation of trust within your marriage. However, it's crucial to emphasize that only you can decide how to label or understand your experience, as this is a deeply personal process that varies for each individual.

I want to share a bit of my perspective to validate some of the concerns and emotional responses you shared. You clearly communicated your boundaries by declining sexual activity when your husband was intoxicated. He then waited until you were asleep - a state where consent is impossible - and violated those explicitly stated boundaries. Your husband's intoxicated state doesn't excuse this behavior, though his subsequent sobriety and evident remorse suggest he recognizes the gravity of his actions. This recognition, while important, doesn't negate the impact of the boundary violation on your sense of safety and trust.

The confusion you're experiencing is a common response when someone we trust commits a violation. Your body and mind remember both past and present experiences, working together to alert you when your boundaries have been crossed. Your previous trauma doesn't make you "oversensitive." Instead, it has given you a deep understanding of the importance of sexual consent and bodily autonomy. This awareness isn't a weakness; it's a wisdom gained through difficult experience. The fact that this incident has triggered feelings similar to your previous trauma is completely understandable. Trauma responses exist to protect us, and your body and mind are telling you something important about your sense of safety in this relationship.

Your decision to request physical separation and pursue couples counseling demonstrates remarkable strength and self-advocacy. You're not "blowing up" your family - you're responding to a serious breach of trust and taking necessary steps to protect your mental and physical safety. The impact on your family stems from the violation of these fundamental principles, not from your response to them. This can be especially complex when the person shows genuine remorse and takes steps to change, like your husband's decision to stop drinking. However, his positive changes, while significant, don't eliminate your need to process and heal.

I strongly encourage you to consider working with a trauma-informed therapist individually, in addition to couples counseling. A personal therapist can help you process both past and present traumas and support you in establishing what healthy intimacy and trust look like for you moving forward. They can help you develop tools for managing triggers and establishing healthy boundaries that honor your need for safety and autonomy.

Remember: Your feelings aren't "wrong" or "overreactive" - they're providing important information about your sense of safety and trust. You don't have to choose between protecting yourself and preserving your relationship right now. Taking space to heal and establish clear boundaries isn't selfish - it's necessary for any potential relationship repair, whether within this marriage or in future connections. You have the right to take whatever time you need to process this experience and decide what feels safe for you moving forward.

Thank you so much for trusting us and for taking the steps you need for safety and healing. The road may feel difficult, but you are not alone.