I keep getting triggered by childhood memories and worry I may have engaged in COCSA behavior. When I was around 8-10, I had sexual curiosity and would sometimes touch myself, usually in private but occasionally in public settings without realizing others might notice. One specific memory troubles me: when I was about 9, I was with a family friend who was a few years younger, and I touched myself while she was nearby. It wasn't directed at her and she wasn't forced to watch or participate, but I feel deep shame wondering if this could have impacted her, especially since neither of us understood what was happening at the time. We've remained friendly over the years when we see each other, but I can't stop worrying that I hurt her or committed some form of abuse. What exactly were my actions, and how can I better understand this situation?

Thank you for reaching out to us. It sounds like you're carrying a great deal of worry about what happened during a time when you were still learning about your body and its sensations. The unease and shame you feel are real and can be very upsetting, especially when you look back with the understanding you have now as an adult. Your courage in examining these childhood memories shows tremendous self-awareness and care for others' wellbeing, but it's important to view these experiences through the proper developmental lens.

In childhood, it is natural to have curiosity about your body, and at around nine years old, there's only so much understanding you can have of what you're actually doing. You were discovering sensations without the mature framework about sexuality and boundaries that you have today, and you're not alone in feeling embarrassed or unsettled by what you later recognize as sexual exploration from childhood. What you're describing sounds like normal childhood sexual exploration that occurred within your own developmental stage. Children between ages 8-10 commonly engage in self-stimulating behaviors as they discover their bodies, and doing this occasionally in the presence of others, without directing it toward them or involving them, falls within the range of typical childhood behavior.

When sexual behavior occurs between children of similar ages, professionals often look at whether there was a significant difference in maturity or a power imbalance, and whether the behavior was coercive, aggressive, or significantly beyond what's developmentally appropriate. In your memory, it doesn't sound like you specifically intended to engage the other child or expose her to something harmful. Instead, you described an internal focus, rubbing your thighs together for your own sense of comfort or curiosity, and you didn't involve her in any direct way. You also didn't coerce her, force her to watch, or make it about her in any manner that she had to participate in. The fact that this wasn't directed at the other child, didn't involve her participation, and wasn't something you were trying to get her to watch or engage with distinguishes it from harmful sexual behavior.

The shame you feel in the present might be your grown-up mind placing adult interpretations on a situation that occurred when you had a childlike view of the world. Children in that age range don't fully grasp the implications of sexual behaviors or consent, and they often explore their bodies with no intent to harm another person. It is very natural to feel unsettled when you look back at that exploration through adult eyes. The intrusive thoughts and shame spirals you're experiencing may actually be a trauma response themselves. Sometimes our brains latch onto childhood memories and reframe them through an adult lens, creating guilt about behaviors that were actually age-appropriate.

If your family friend appears comfortable around you and remains on good terms, it could indicate that your past actions did not register as hurtful or violating to her. For many people, simply naming these complicated feelings and learning that childhood sexual curiosity is not the same as abuse can bring relief. The fact that you are so worried about the possibility of harming someone suggests a strong moral compass, rather than an indication that you had the intention to cause any harm. You were a young person exploring sensations without understanding their meaning, and the empathy you're showing now, looking back, is a sign of your kindness and sense of responsibility toward others.

Your description of having "a tendency to overthink" suggests this pattern of ruminating and self-blame might be part of a broader pattern of anxiety or intrusive thinking that could benefit from professional support. If you continue to feel unsettled, focusing on how you behave now (e.g. showing respect and care in your relationships, and maintaining healthy boundaries) might help you make peace with the past. 

It's okay to acknowledge those confusing moments in childhood, accept them as part of your learning process, and remember that you're allowed to find healing and self-forgiveness as the adult you are today. You deserve understanding and compassion, especially from yourself. Thanks for trusting us with this.