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How can someone who has been groomed online break the cycle of seeking out abusive relationships, and what can friends or loved ones do to support them?

Dr. Laura

Answer by Dr. Laura

PhD Mental Health Nurse & Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner

Online grooming is a serious issue that can have long-lasting effects on the mental health and well-being of people who experience it. It is not uncommon for those who have experienced grooming to find themselves in a pattern of seeking out similar abusive relationships. This behavior can be attributed to a variety of factors, including low self-esteem, a distorted perception of what constitutes a healthy relationship, and unresolved trauma.

To help someone break the cycle of seeking out abusive relationships, it is essential to approach the situation with empathy, understanding, and support. To start, make sure you continualy provide a safe space for your friend. Let them know that you are there to listen without judgment. Encourage open communication and validate their feelings. You might also gently point out any patterns you notice in their behavior or relationships that may be concerning. Help them understand what a healthy relationship looks like.

Your friend might also need assistance in creating healthy boundaries with the people they meet online. This may include setting limits on communication with abusive individuals and learning to say "no" when necessary. You can support them in this process by talking things through with them or by helping them engage in activities that promote self-care, such as hobbies, exercise, or spending time with positive influences outside of their online relationships. 

You might also encourage them to seek out professional help or assistance from a mental health professional who specializes in trauma and abuse. Therapy can help them work through their experiences, develop coping strategies, and build healthier relationships. 

Ultimately, I know it is hard, but try to be patient. Healing from trauma is a process, and it may take time for your friend to break the cycle of seeking out abusive relationships. Continue to offer support and understanding throughout their journey. Remember, while you can offer support and guidance, it is ultimately your friend's responsibility to take steps towards healing. If you feel overwhelmed or unequipped to handle the situation, don't hesitate to seek help from a qualified professional or direct your friend to appropriate resources, such as helplines or support groups for survivors of online grooming and abuse. Recognize your own boundaries and ensure you are promoting their autonomy while also protecting your own mental and emotional wellbeing. You are not alone. Thank you for reaching out to us.

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Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud:

5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window)

4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?)

3 – things you can hear

2 – things you can smell

1 – thing you like about yourself.

Take a deep breath to end.

From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at.

Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one).

Take a deep breath to end.

Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud:

1. Where am I?

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4. What is the current month?

5. What is the current year?

6. How old am I?

7. What season is it?

Take a deep breath to end.

Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder.

Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud.

Take a deep breath to end.

Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment.

Take a deep breath to end.