From ages 5-10, my slightly older sister would make me act out sexual scenarios with toys, either participating herself or watching me. She assured me it was just pretend when I expressed discomfort. She told me explicit sexual stories and reenacted them with me until our only play was sexual in nature. This stopped when she was 13-14, but she continued making sexual comments about my body and encouraging me to watch porn. I became hypersexual but repressed it, convincing myself her comments were harmless despite my discomfort. I've since cut contact but still wonder about her intentions and blame myself for participating. I feel sick thinking about it and can't feel normal about my body or sexuality anymore. I don't know if there's language to describe what happened or if it qualifies as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA) since she didn't touch me. I'm unsure if my discomfort is valid or if I can blame her since we were both young.

I'm so sorry you experienced this confusing and distressing situation with your sister. What you've described could certainly be a form of sibling sexual abuse, even though there was no direct touching involved. Your sister engaged you in a repeated pattern of inappropriate, sexually charged behaviors and comments throughout your childhood. This was not normal, healthy play but a violation of your boundaries and sense of safety.

It's important to recognize that some degree of sexual curiosity and experimentation between children is normal and developmentally expected. Many children will explore their bodies and play "doctor" games with siblings or friends at some point. When this play is mutual, lighthearted, and easily redirected by adults, it's usually not cause for concern.

However, what you've described seems to go beyond typical childhood experimentation. The sexual play appears to have become chronic, one-sided, and escalated in intensity until it was your primary form of interaction. Your discomfort and confusion are completely valid. Even though your sister was also young, she was old enough to be the leader and hold more responsibility in the dynamic. Her assurances that it was "just pretend" were likely an attempt to normalize the behavior, but that doesn't mean it was okay or harmless. Coercing you to participate in increasingly explicit sexual stories and scenarios despite your discomfort is very concerning and not your fault, no matter how your body responded. Grooming and sexual abuse can feel physically pleasurable to a child's body - this is a normal physiological response and does not mean you wanted or were responsible for the abuse.

The fact that the inappropriate sexual attention continued into your teen years through her objectifying comments and pornography pressure is also very concerning. This likely contributed to feeling confused, ashamed and disconnected from your body and sexuality. It's understandable to have mixed emotions toward your sister and question her intentions. She may have been acting out her own trauma or imitating something she was exposed to. However, her reasons don't minimize the harm done to you.

Ultimately, only you can decide what language and labels feel true to your experience. It's okay if terms like "abuse" or "COCSA" don't feel right to you. What matters most is that you honor your emotional response and the impact this experience had on you. Your feelings of discomfort, shame, guilt, and confusion are important signals that something was not right, even if you're still sorting out exactly what to call it.

Healing from sibling sexual abuse is a complex journey, as you navigate the loss of an important family relationship in addition to the abuse itself. I encourage you to be patient and compassionate with yourself. You did nothing wrong - you were a child who should have been protected, not abused. Your feelings and reactions are not only allowed but important signals that something very wrong took place. Consider reaching out to a therapist who specializes in childhood sexual trauma and can help you process your story and find healing. You are not alone. Thank you so much for trusting us with this question.