Could something be grooming if I didn't feel emotionally connected to the person who did it? I have a family member who, when I was a young teen and he was in his 30s, did inappropriate things to me. I never wanted any of it, but I didn't confront him and let it continue until he stopped. He was unusually nice to me. My mom told me he said I was his favorite family member, and during celebrations, he gives me more money than others, which makes me feel guilty or indebted. My friend suggested his behavior was grooming - isolating me, presenting himself positively, testing boundaries, escalating behavior, and normalizing inappropriate actions. We had a normal relationship after he stopped, but he's starting to scare me again, and I think he might have inappropriately touched me recently. I'm unsure if this can be grooming since I don't feel emotionally close to him. I feel indebted and don't feel I have the right to refuse him.

Thank you so much for reaching out and sharing your story with us. Yes, what you're describing absolutely can be grooming, even without feeling emotionally connected to the person. Grooming isn't dependent on the victim's feelings toward the person; it's more about the actions and intentions of the abuser. Groomers often use kindness, gifts, special attention, and other manipulative tactics to establish trust and create a sense of obligation or guilt. This can make it incredibly confusing and difficult to recognize what's happening, especially when it's someone within your family.

What you've described contains many classic elements of grooming: giving special attention and gifts (more money than others receive), creating a "special relationship" (being told you're the "favorite"), and gradually escalating inappropriate behaviors over time. These tactics are deliberately designed to create exactly the feeling of obligation and confusion you're experiencing. The fact that you feel indebted to him and unable to refuse his requests is not coincidental - it's often the intended outcome of grooming.

Feeling guilty, like you owe him something, or believing you don't have the right to refuse are common responses to grooming and abuse. These feelings are not a reflection of any failing on your part but are actually indications of the manipulative tactics he's employed. It's important to remember that none of this is your fault. You were placed in a position without the power or knowledge to fully understand or consent to what was happening.

Your body's reaction of fear around this person is significant. Our bodies often recognize danger before our minds can fully process it. The confusion you feel about your emotions is also very normal for survivors. It can be incredibly challenging to process these feelings when someone who has hurt you is also someone you see regularly or who is viewed positively by others in your family. The confusion and mixed emotions you're experiencing are completely valid.

The normalization of inappropriate behavior is particularly concerning. When inappropriate behaviors become normalized through repeated exposure, it can distort our natural protective instincts. This is a sign of how abuse can impact our perception through repeated boundary violations.

It's also significant that he's starting to scare you again and that you believe he might have assaulted you recently. Trust your instincts and feelings about this. You have every right to set boundaries and to feel safe around family members. Your right to safety and bodily autonomy is absolute - you do not owe anyone access to your body, regardless of their role in your life or what they've given you.

Please consider reaching out to someone you trust, whether it's a friend, family member, or professional who can offer support. Talking to a counselor or therapist who understands these issues could provide you with a safe space to explore your feelings and help you navigate this difficult situation. Remember, you are not alone, and you deserve to feel safe and respected. Your feelings and experiences are valid, and it's okay to seek help. Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not alone.