Back when I was 11-12 years old in sixth grade, I remember hanging out with older eighth grade boys who talked about sex and porn frequently, asking me sexual questions and making sexual comments about me. Nothing physical happened, but there was a looming idea of them potentially having sex with me (which never occurred). I had no proper sex education since we attended a Catholic school, and my only exposure to sex was through pornography. Being into anime and desensitized by certain types of cartoon porn made me think minor/adult relations were acceptable. The boys knew more about sex than I did. My sister thinks it was child-on-child sexual harassment rather than abuse since nothing physical happened. Does what I experienced constitute sexual harassment, grooming, or abuse?

Thank you so much for trusting us with this. When you were 11 or 12 years old, being exposed to sexual conversations and comments from older peers can be overwhelming and inappropriate. The eighth-grade boys making sexual remarks and asking you intimate questions created an environment that was likely uncomfortable and possibly distressing for you. It's understandable that you're now wondering how to define what happened.

Child-on-child sexual harassment involves unwelcome sexual behavior between minors, which can include sexual comments, gestures, or questions that make someone feel offended, humiliated, or intimidated. In your case, the persistent sexual discussions and remarks directed at you by the older boys align with this definition. Even though no physical contact occurred, the impact of their words and the pressure of the situation can be significant and harmful.

Child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA) typically refers to sexual activities between minors that are inappropriate for their developmental stage, especially when there's an imbalance of power, coercion, or lack of consent. Since your experience didn't involve physical contact or explicit coercion into sexual activities, it might not fall strictly under COCSA. However, it's important to acknowledge that the emotional and psychological effects of sexual harassment can be profound, regardless of physical involvement.

Grooming is a process where someone builds trust and emotional connection to manipulate and exploit another person, often leading to abuse. While grooming is commonly associated with adult perpetrators, it can sometimes occur among peers, especially when there's a power imbalance or significant difference in knowledge about sexual matters. The older boys' behavior—introducing you to sexual topics and pushing boundaries—could be seen as a form of peer-on-peer grooming, intended to normalize inappropriate behavior.

Your exposure to pornography at a young age, particularly without proper sex education, may have further complicated your understanding of healthy relationships and boundaries. It's not uncommon for young people to feel desensitized or develop misconceptions about sexuality when their primary information comes from pornography, especially content depicting unrealistic and inappropriate scenarios involving minors.

The age difference between sixth and eighth grade (generally 2-3 years) created a power imbalance, as older children typically have more social power and influence. This dynamic, combined with your lack of formal sex education, made you more vulnerable in this situation. Many others have similar experiences where lack of information about healthy sexuality and relationships made it difficult to recognize inappropriate behavior.

It's important to recognize that your feelings and concerns are valid. The confusion you felt then, and perhaps still feel now, is a normal response to being placed in a situation that wasn't appropriate for your age or developmental stage. Reflecting on these experiences with the insight you have now can be a crucial step toward understanding and healing.

Processing these experiences can be complex. Consider reaching out to a mental health professional or counselor who specializes in adolescent development or trauma. They can provide a safe space for you to explore these feelings and help you make sense of how these experiences may have impacted you. Remember, seeking support is a sign of strength, and you don't have to navigate these complex emotions alone.

Above all, be gentle with yourself. It's okay to have questions and to seek clarity about your past. Thank you for sharing your story with us. We appreciate you.