At a sleepover when I was 8, the 10-year-old host found an adult video. After I fell asleep, the host later told me that she and another girl had touched me inappropriately while I was sleeping mimicking what they saw in the video. I don't remember this happening, but the comment "You made some funny noises" still haunts me. I've struggled with body shame for almost two decades (I'm 27 now). I'm hesitant to call this sexual assault or COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse). Is what happened to me considered COCSA even though I don't remember the actual incident?

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. What you shared could certainly be considered a form of child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA), although only you can label your experiences. COCSA refers to sexual activities between children that are not appropriate for their developmental stages, especially when there is an age difference, power imbalance, or lack of consent. In your case, the host girl was older, and you were asleep and therefore unable to consent or even be aware of what was happening at the time.

It's important to recognize that the other children involved were also young and were inappropriately exposed to adult sexual content. Children who act out sexually after viewing such material are often reacting to exposure they weren't developmentally ready to process. However, this context, while important to understand, doesn't diminish the harm that was caused to you. Even when perpetrated by other children, such actions can still be harmful and traumatic.

Not remembering the actual incident is completely understandable since you were asleep when it allegedly occurred. This adds another layer of confusion and distress to your experience - knowing something may have happened to your body while you were unconscious. The fact that you remember the comment and have experienced long-term effects like body shame suggests that this experience had a significant impact on you, even without specific memories of the incident itself.

Early exposure to pornography and involvement in sexual activities can be confusing and distressing for children, and it's understandable that this event has stayed with you. It's important to recognize that you were only eight years old at the time, and any responsibility for what happened does not lie with you. The shame you've carried is a common response to childhood sexual abuse. This shame isn't yours to bear - you did nothing wrong.

Only you can decide how to interpret and label your experience. Whether or not you choose to consider it COCSA or sexual assault, what's most important is acknowledging how it has affected you. The lingering feelings and the impact on your self-image indicate that this event has had a significant effect on you.

Healing from childhood sexual abuse is possible. Many survivors find that working with a trauma-informed therapist helps them process these experiences and release the shame that doesn't belong to them. A therapist can offer a safe and understanding space to explore your emotions and help you work through the shame you've been carrying. Organizations like RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) offer resources and support for survivors of all forms of sexual abuse, including COCSA.

Your experience matters, and your feelings are valid. By recognizing what happened and seeking understanding, you've already taken an important step in your healing journey. Please be gentle with yourself. What happened was not your fault, and you deserve compassion and understanding as you navigate these complex emotions. Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not alone.