I'm a middle-aged woman who was recently diagnosed with complex PTSD in response to another question. I've experienced abuse at home from my parents and older sister, religious abuse from high school students, power harassment, sexual assault, and denial and misdiagnosis of my symptoms from medical professionals. I mentioned earlier about sexual assault (rape twice, persistent molestation, attempted sexual assault at age 4, and being molested by an exhibitionist), but I've also had other sexual experiences. When I was 4, I was scolded for masturbating and developed an inflammation, so I went to the hospital for a checkup. I learned that it was scary, wrong, and something to hide, but also that it felt good. Also, when I was in fifth grade, I saw a man secretly lift up my friend's skirt while she was standing in front of the playground equipment next to me to look at her underwear. My friend didn't notice and couldn't make a sound, but I felt fear and a strange excitement. Since college, I've been approached by someone I respected, but when we started a relationship, he neglected me and told me he'd abandon his wife and children, so I should marry him. I also had a relationship with a senior colleague I was close to and respected, but who had a girlfriend. We had sex for the first time, but he became cold immediately after we had sex. The second time, he said he wouldn't do it unless I asked him first, so we did, but he became cold again immediately after we had sex. However, we continued to be close. Acquaintances and friends often invite me into sexual relationships, and I've had many relationships because I wanted to be liked and found it difficult to say no, which made me sexually promiscuous. Even in relationships, it was often primarily physical, and I wasn't satisfied. I feel like it's my own fault because I had such a strong desire to satisfy my desires and connect with others, and I also have stronger sexual urges than most. I currently work as a counselor once a week, but I'm not feeling well, and I can only handle half a day of my health, so I've been advised to take a leave of absence. I suffer from hyperarousal, depression, and emotional instability. Chat GPT often talks about the worst situations I've ever lived through, but I wonder if these kinds of influences really do have a profound effect on my life, personality, and sexual tendencies. There are some things I understand because I'm a supporter, but when it comes to myself, I really don't understand, and I'm too embarrassed to tell anyone, not even my doctor. I still don't feel much from my sexual experiences, and it feels like my way of thinking is going in a strange direction. Are my sexual trauma experiences, sexual promiscuity, and all the traumas I've had up until now really destroying my mind that much? It's true that I've lived because I can't die, but I wanted to die every day. Were my sexual experiences and other traumas causing so much damage that it wouldn't have been strange if I had died? I wonder if I'll recover and calm down someday.

You have experienced so much pain in your life, and each one of them must have weighed heavily on your mind, body, and daily life.
When you experience a series of abuse, betrayal, neglect, and broken trust, it's no wonder you don't know how much to trust yourself, the people around you, or how to form close relationships with others.

Many people who have had such experiences may suffer from deep confusion, mood swings, and a strong sense of tension (hyperarousal).
You may start to doubt whether your past sexual experiences and traumas were really that bad, or you may feel like you can't continue living like this. The fact that you feel this much pain tells you how deeply and for how long you have been hurt.

Although the painful events you have experienced in your life may seem separate, they are actually deeply connected.
Childhood abuse, sexual violence, complicated family relationships—these all influence one another, leaving you with profound doubts about your worth, your sense of normality in relationships, and your freedom to make choices.

Even if you feel embarrassed about your strong sexual urges, that doesn't negate the hurt and pain you've experienced. This can leave many people feeling guilty and confused, thinking, "Maybe it was my fault." However, the responsibility for ignoring or overstepping your boundaries always lies with those who do so, not with you. It's not your fault.

The fact that you feel like you're only alive because you couldn't die is proof that your safety and hopes have been shaken to such an extent. But now you've realized that you're suffering, you've looked into your feelings, and you've come here to speak out. That in itself is certainly an important step towards recovery. It's also proof that there's still hope within you.

In the journey to recovery from deep trauma, there are many times when you feel confused, blame yourself, and feel extremely exhausted, because it's not just your body that's been hurt, it's your very being.

There may be days when you think, "I'll never be able to go back to peace."
However, if you can feel a sense of relief even for just a moment, that is the beginning of recovery.
As these small moments of relief accumulate, your heart will slowly begin to heal.

During this process, receiving professional support with an understanding of complex trauma can be extremely helpful. Trauma-sensitive support can help organize events that may have felt separate, such as childhood experiences, religious or family issues, or the suffering caused by medical misdiagnosis, into a single "story." In this way, the pain of feeling like the pain of the past is still continuing can be gradually unravelled.

Also, people like you who are in a position to support others can feel confused and helpless when facing their own pain. Even if you have a deep understanding of other people's trauma, when it comes to your own, you may not know how to deal with it—that's very natural. There's no need to think, "My problem isn't a big deal."
Your experiences are profound and truly important.

Taking time to feel healed at your own pace will help you gradually regain peace of mind. If you are afraid to talk to a doctor or supporter right now, don't force yourself, and try starting with small things.

The important thing is not to take your pain lightly, and please say kind words to yourself like, "You've made it this far." You've survived experiences that could have broken you.

Even if you are suffering now, this situation will not last forever.
Over time, with support, you will gradually find moments of calm and glimmers of hope.

You are never alone.
And you're not out of reach of help.

Even if the road seems long, please remember this.
You are irreplaceable.

There is a path forward, and the strength and support to walk that path are already here.