--- title: A secret to share with strangers. My COCSA story. ~ Our Wave Community description: Hi, when I was 8 my older brother, who was 5 years older than me, asked me to take my pants off and show him my private parts, I was confused, we were super... url: https://community.ourwave.org/en/story/a-secret-to-share-with-strangers-my-cocsa-story-1990.md --- {{customAnalyticsScripts}} [\[Image: Our Wave Logo\]\[Image: Our Wave Logo\]](/en/) [ Community ](/en/)[ Questions & Answers ](/en/learn)[ Find Support ](/en/resources) Share story Post a message 0 Users 0 Views 0 Reactions 0 Stories read ##### Need to take a break? 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Send it to us 🇺🇸 ###### Survivor story # A secret to share with strangers. My COCSA story. Original story ##### Message to a Survivor You’re not the only one, you’re not alone. You’re not crazy, it’s not your fault. You’re not dramatic, you’re not invalid. ##### Message of Healing I guess for me healing would be having a clear understanding and acceptance of what happened, so I can shut the box and move on, let it go, and just live my life without that disgust. Hi, when I was 8 my older brother, who was 5 years older than me, asked me to take my pants off and show him my private parts, I was confused, we were super close, people even used to call us twins, although we weren’t. For some reason, despite how strange it was and how confused I was, it didn’t occur to me that I could say no, so I didn’t. He thanked me and asked me if I wanted to see his parts, I did not, and I said no thank you. After that, he left, and I thought, I did what he asked, he thanked me, so I did a good thing and it’s over? Both of those assumptions were wrong. The next day, he came into the bathroom while I was showering. There was no soap in the shower, and I needed some. For whatever reason, my mom thought it was a good idea to send my older brother in to give it to me. And he gave it to me, but then he opened the curtain and looked at my bare body, called me pretty, and touched me. Thanked me, then left. I don’t remember feeling flattered or happy, just numb, I’m not sure what I felt, I just went back to showering and never gave it thought. The third and final time something like this happened with my brother was when he pulled down my pants and touched and bit my butt, I don’t know if I laughed or just stayed silent, either way, I didn’t stop him. Honestly, I didn’t even know what to do. After that instance, he stopped, never mentioned it, never acknowledged it, and neither did I, it just ended. And then began a similar situation with my sister. Still, I think I was 8 or 9, regardless my older sister is two years older, so older but still young, still a kid. And when we were kids we played this game together, we’d make up characters and stories and act as each of the characters, one day, a character she made and was acting as in this game liked a character I made and was acting as, I didn’t expect it, to this day it’s wild but the only thing I can think to make sense of it is that she must’ve been influenced by movies she shouldn’t have seen or our older siblings, I’m not sure but she got on top of me and began straddling my body, that’s the best way I can think to describe it, she rocked back in forth on top of me and acted out a whole scene. I was still the first time it happened, I mean I was stunned, not necessarily scared, I don’t think it had quite hit me yet, but that was the beginning and unfortunately things escalated and went on long before the end was near. She did all sorts of things, all of which I never liked, wanted, or agreed to, not that I could at that age. She made me kiss her, touch her, she made me do oral things, and it got to a point where I dreaded night time because I knew I’d “have” to do those things for her, and sometimes I’d rush to the bathroom afterwards to spit and clean my mouth with water for 30 mins straight till I felt “clean” again, I’d just shut down afterwards, once I got mad at her and lashed out, saying I didn’t wanna play the “game” the particular night, that I was tried, but then she cried and asked what she did wrong, and why I hated her, something of the sort, because according to her I’d act strange afterwards, and I just lied and told her that it was cause our parents were fighting, that I was sorry. I think I just didn’t want to upset her, I really don’t think I ever stopped to think no was an option. This went on for a long time, and one day, it stopped, not without words though. The night it ended, we were playing the “game” and she stopped and just told me she didn’t think we should be doing what “we” were doing, that our siblings played their games but we didn’t have to , I don’t remember it all, but regardless of what she said, she called it quits and that was that. I was relieved, but also angry? Not cause I wanted to continue, but because it felt like she had randomly turned me into a toy for her pleasure, and then once she was done, once she realized it was wrong she just put me down and gave me a moral lesson, that’s how it felt, and I definitely couldn’t express it like that at age 8 but it did something to me. In both cases, I felt like a toy, picked up, put down, moved on from. Much like my brother, never acknowledged. Years later, in my teens, at age 14, it hit me. Like a wave, up in the middle of the night, sitting on my bed in the dark, across from my sister, I went back to those memories that while I had never forgotten about, I never acknowledged either. And I cried, probably the whole night? Just shaking, holding my hand over my mouth in horror. I know it may seem dramatic, but I wanted to puke, I think I almost did, I felt so so sick. And it dawned on me, that what happened was probably sexual assault. In the present, I can say with certainty it was COCSA, but I only concluded after research and a whole lot of confusion and pain. It still affects me to this day, I cannot share drinks, because when I have someone’s spit in my mouth, it reminds me of being forced to kiss my sister or do oral and I have a meltdown and cry and puke, and shove my fingers down my throat to gag and spit till my throat hurts and I feel like my mouth is clean. I hope this isn’t too crude or graphic, but I’m traumatized. When I think about it, I feel sick, and I have never told anyone in my family, worse part is I don’t think my sister or brother remember or care, and while part of me resents them, not only do I still love them dearly, but I also cannot hate or blame them, even if I don’t know if I should. Because they were kids too, I don’t know who to blame and sometimes I blame myself. I feel disgusting, I feel guilty, ashamed, and confused to this day. I don’t really know what to do with myself. If I tell someone, and they believe me, I’m worried I’ll ruin my whole family, and if I tell, and no one believes me, then I look like a gross creep. I was taught sexual assault was a child and an adult, or two adults, a girl and a boy, so imagine how I felt when what was done to me was done by two children, I was related to, loved, and trusted, one of which was a girl same as me. COCSA is talked about enough if at all, I didn’t even know it existed for so long, and so I wasn’t sure if what happened to me “counted” as anything. I hope sharing this can maybe make a difference or even just help me cope. Because the truth is part of me doesn’t know or trust what it was that happened to me, I feel like I don’t get to say I’m a victim, that I endured sexual abuse. I once read that being forced to do sexual oral acts counts as rape, I’m not sure, but that’s what makes COCSA so hard, because it’s complex, and you can’t classify things the same way you do with other actions of the sort. But this is my story, thank you for listening. Random Story [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/story/a-secret-to-share-with-strangers-my-cocsa-story-1990#comments) - Report ### Discard message? You have a comment in progress, are you sure you want to discard it? Cancel Discard ##### Similar community content Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. 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Try a grounding activity For immediate help, visit {{resource}} Show resources for \[Image: United States\]United States [\[Image: Argentina\]Argentina](/story/a-secret-to-share-with-strangers-my-cocsa-story-1990?country=ar)[\[Image: Australia\]Australia](/story/a-secret-to-share-with-strangers-my-cocsa-story-1990?country=au)[\[Image: Bolivia\]Bolivia](/story/a-secret-to-share-with-strangers-my-cocsa-story-1990?country=bo)[\[Image: Canada\]Canada](/story/a-secret-to-share-with-strangers-my-cocsa-story-1990?country=ca)[\[Image: Chile\]Chile](/story/a-secret-to-share-with-strangers-my-cocsa-story-1990?country=cl)[\[Image: Colombia\]Colombia](/story/a-secret-to-share-with-strangers-my-cocsa-story-1990?country=co)[\[Image: Costa Rica\]Costa Rica](/story/a-secret-to-share-with-strangers-my-cocsa-story-1990?country=cr)[\[Image: Cuba\]Cuba](/story/a-secret-to-share-with-strangers-my-cocsa-story-1990?country=cu)[\[Image: Dominican Republic\]Dominican Republic](/story/a-secret-to-share-with-strangers-my-cocsa-story-1990?country=do)[\[Image: Ecuador\]Ecuador](/story/a-secret-to-share-with-strangers-my-cocsa-story-1990?country=ec)[\[Image: El Salvador\]El Salvador](/story/a-secret-to-share-with-strangers-my-cocsa-story-1990?country=sv)[\[Image: Equatorial Guinea\]Equatorial Guinea](/story/a-secret-to-share-with-strangers-my-cocsa-story-1990?country=gq)[\[Image: Guatemala\]Guatemala](/story/a-secret-to-share-with-strangers-my-cocsa-story-1990?country=gt)[\[Image: Honduras\]Honduras](/story/a-secret-to-share-with-strangers-my-cocsa-story-1990?country=hn)[\[Image: Ireland\]Ireland](/story/a-secret-to-share-with-strangers-my-cocsa-story-1990?country=ie)[\[Image: Japan\]Japan](/story/a-secret-to-share-with-strangers-my-cocsa-story-1990?country=jp)[\[Image: Mexico\]Mexico](/story/a-secret-to-share-with-strangers-my-cocsa-story-1990?country=mx)[\[Image: Nicaragua\]Nicaragua](/story/a-secret-to-share-with-strangers-my-cocsa-story-1990?country=ni)[\[Image: New Zealand\]New Zealand](/story/a-secret-to-share-with-strangers-my-cocsa-story-1990?country=nz)[\[Image: Panama\]Panama](/story/a-secret-to-share-with-strangers-my-cocsa-story-1990?country=pa)[\[Image: Paraguay\]Paraguay](/story/a-secret-to-share-with-strangers-my-cocsa-story-1990?country=py)[\[Image: Peru\]Peru](/story/a-secret-to-share-with-strangers-my-cocsa-story-1990?country=pe)[\[Image: Puerto Rico\]Puerto Rico](/story/a-secret-to-share-with-strangers-my-cocsa-story-1990?country=pr)[\[Image: Spain\]Spain](/story/a-secret-to-share-with-strangers-my-cocsa-story-1990?country=es)[\[Image: United Kingdom\]United Kingdom](/story/a-secret-to-share-with-strangers-my-cocsa-story-1990?country=gb)[\[Image: Uruguay\]Uruguay](/story/a-secret-to-share-with-strangers-my-cocsa-story-1990?country=uy)[\[Image: Venezuela\]Venezuela](/story/a-secret-to-share-with-strangers-my-cocsa-story-1990?country=ve) English [English](/en/story/a-secret-to-share-with-strangers-my-cocsa-story-1990)[Español](/es/story/a-secret-to-share-with-strangers-my-cocsa-story-1990)[日本語](/ja/story/a-secret-to-share-with-strangers-my-cocsa-story-1990) For immediate help, visit {{resource}} Made with in Raleigh, NC | Read our [Community Guidelines](https://www.ourwave.org/en/community-guidelines), [Privacy Policy](https://www.ourwave.org/en/privacy), and [Terms](https://www.ourwave.org/en/terms) | [ #### Resources ](/en/resources) ### Post a Message Share a message of support with the community. 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Name the following out loud: 5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window) 4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?) 3 – things you can hear 2 – things you can smell 1 – thing you like about yourself. Take a deep breath to end. From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at. Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one). Take a deep breath to end. Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud: 1\. Where am I? 2\. What day of the week is today? 3\. What is today’s date? 4\. What is the current month? 5\. What is the current year? 6\. How old am I? 7\. What season is it? Take a deep breath to end. Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder. Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud. Take a deep breath to end. Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment. Take a deep breath to end. Try another grounding activity I feel grounded and ready