--- title: A saga of tears and blood ~ Our Wave Community description: I remember that all of this started long before the internet. I remember growing up believing I was fundamentally bad — not struggling, not difficult, but... url: https://community.ourwave.org/en/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916.md --- {{customAnalyticsScripts}} [\[Image: Our Wave Logo\]\[Image: Our Wave Logo\]](/en/) [ Community ](/en/)[ Questions & Answers ](/en/learn)[ Find Support ](/en/resources) Share story Post a message 0 Users 0 Views 0 Reactions 0 Stories read ##### Need to take a break? Try a grounding activity For immediate help, visit {{resource}} Show resources for \[Image: Canada\]Canada [\[Image: United States\]United States](/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916?country=us)[\[Image: Argentina\]Argentina](/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916?country=ar)[\[Image: Australia\]Australia](/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916?country=au)[\[Image: Bolivia\]Bolivia](/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916?country=bo)[\[Image: Chile\]Chile](/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916?country=cl)[\[Image: Colombia\]Colombia](/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916?country=co)[\[Image: Costa Rica\]Costa Rica](/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916?country=cr)[\[Image: Cuba\]Cuba](/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916?country=cu)[\[Image: Dominican Republic\]Dominican Republic](/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916?country=do)[\[Image: Ecuador\]Ecuador](/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916?country=ec)[\[Image: El Salvador\]El Salvador](/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916?country=sv)[\[Image: Equatorial Guinea\]Equatorial Guinea](/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916?country=gq)[\[Image: Guatemala\]Guatemala](/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916?country=gt)[\[Image: Honduras\]Honduras](/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916?country=hn)[\[Image: Ireland\]Ireland](/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916?country=ie)[\[Image: Japan\]Japan](/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916?country=jp)[\[Image: Mexico\]Mexico](/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916?country=mx)[\[Image: Nicaragua\]Nicaragua](/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916?country=ni)[\[Image: New Zealand\]New Zealand](/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916?country=nz)[\[Image: Panama\]Panama](/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916?country=pa)[\[Image: Paraguay\]Paraguay](/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916?country=py)[\[Image: Peru\]Peru](/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916?country=pe)[\[Image: Puerto Rico\]Puerto Rico](/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916?country=pr)[\[Image: Spain\]Spain](/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916?country=es)[\[Image: United Kingdom\]United Kingdom](/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916?country=gb)[\[Image: Uruguay\]Uruguay](/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916?country=uy)[\[Image: Venezuela\]Venezuela](/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916?country=ve) English [English](/en/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916)[Español](/es/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916)[日本語](/ja/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916) [ About Us ](https://www.ourwave.org/en/who-we-are) Made with in Raleigh, NC Read our [Community Guidelines](https://www.ourwave.org/en/community-guidelines), [Privacy Policy](https://www.ourwave.org/en/privacy), and [Terms](https://www.ourwave.org/en/terms) Have feedback? Send it to us 🇨🇦 ##### Survivor story # A saga of tears and blood Original story ##### Message to a Survivor You're not broken. You're not unlovable. You're not pathetic, you're not hopeless. Every scar your body carries, whether in its soul or in its flesh, is real. I won't pretend I'm especially good at hope. But the hope I've managed to hold onto was never tied to some goal or some moral finish line. For me, hope shows up when I let myself feel what's around me — not when I figure everything out. If anyone reads this, there is still hope. There is still a way to heal, still joy to be had, still that rare, quiet kind of love that can make you feel the beauty of life again. It's hard. It's really, really hard. You're going to cry, you're going to be angry, you're going to be insanely scared. But there is beauty in it too. I've barely started healing. But it's worth it. It is the flowers that bloom from concrete and blood that are the most beautiful — more beautiful than the greatest gardens of all. ##### Message of Healing Healing, for me, is synonymous with feeling. Allowing myself, or rather my body, to feel everything that happened to me allowed me to cry. It allowed me to grieve. It allowed me to be angry. It also allowed me to feel the warmth from someone who truly loved me, and to feel the beauty of life and art I had never seen before, with my mind no longer clouded. It allowed me to create poetry, to draw, to talk, to express, and to explore the corners of my mind that were irrational. I couldn't think my way out of it. I had to feel my way out of it. For me, that is healing. There is also breaking my silence, and pursuing my aggressors in justice. I remember that all of this started long before the internet. I remember growing up believing I was fundamentally bad — not struggling, not difficult, but bad. Every meltdown I had, rooted in undiagnosed and unsupported autism and ADHD, was treated as a moral failure instead of a sign of distress. I remember being punished harshly, physically, for things I couldn't control. I remember being told that parts of me were hated, being called stupid, being humiliated in front of my sisters. I remember being so afraid of one parent that I would dissociate just to survive being in the house with them. I remember that expressing a need, an emotion, any pain at all, was consistently met with anger, threats, or silence — never comfort. I remember that when I made my first suicide attempt, the first reaction I got back was anger. That house never taught me I had a right to safety, or that my needs were legitimate. And that belief — built before I even had words for it — is what opened the door to everything that came after. A child who doesn't believe she deserves protection becomes an easy target for anyone willing to take advantage of that. I remember discovering the internet too young, and finding in it an escape that wasn't one. I was twelve. What started as curiosity became a dependency, then a need for stronger and stronger sensations just to feel anything at all. I went numb very fast. It was never really about the content — it was the forbiddenness, the vertigo, the one thing that made me feel alive at the end of a day when I felt nothing. I remember falling "in love" with an adult I met online. He didn't know my age — or he preferred not to know, until someone pushed me to tell him. He left. To this day, I still have a strange pull toward that kind of figure, a remnant of that period. I remember becoming hypersexual very young, seeking attention the only way I knew how, sending pictures of myself to strangers — some my age, most not. I remember deliberately seeking out those spaces, lying about my age in both directions depending on what I thought people wanted to hear. When my parents found out about part of it, the conversation turned to my behavior — why I was doing this, whether I lacked attention — rather than to the adults who were targeting me. I remember several adults who manipulated me during this period, each with different methods but the same underlying pattern: make me feel special, chosen, then push me further than I wanted to go, until I ended up asking for the very thing they'd conditioned me to want. I know now that wasn't desire. It was conditioning. I remember a summer at camp, around thirteen or fourteen, where an older, popular boy assaulted me. He told me he'd kill himself if I told anyone. He made me feel unique. I fell in love with him anyway — or because of all of it — and went back to camp the following year hoping to see him again. I remember several other episodes in the years that followed: dating apps while I was still a minor, a man who got me into his car and touched me before I escaped, an adult man who took advantage of me for an entire summer and openly admitted to being attracted to teenagers. I remember never managing to feel anything good in those moments, only a void I filled with the twisted belief that being wanted meant I existed. I remember a first suicide attempt around sixteen. And I remember that at seventeen, everything reached a breaking point. I was exhausted from needing more and more just to feel something. I was terrified of growing up, terrified of what I'd become, and I planned to die before turning eighteen so I'd never have to carry it. For a few weeks, I drifted toward extremely dangerous online spaces, still chasing that same familiar sensation of danger and inverted control. I never downloaded or distributed anything, never harmed anyone. But what I saw broke me. I started having nightmares, dissociating from reality. And then, something in me just stopped. I remember walking, shaking, into a hospital, and telling them everything. Doctors diagnosed me with PTSD and OCD — not a pedophilic disorder. They concluded I wasn't a danger to anyone. I spent time in a psychiatric ward, and slowly, I began to rebuild. I remember a period of substance dependency that followed — cocaine, GHB, benzodiazepines, anything that could quiet the noise. To fund that dependency, I turned to prostitution. One of my dealers, who knew my age, used it to keep me hooked so he could exploit me further. I eventually got clean, though I still drink and smoke too much, even now. I remember, despite all of it, finding real love. My first partner was a sex work colleague. I loved her like I had never felt love in my life. For the first time, I felt real emotions. And I cried for days, feeling every hand that touched me and every picture I had taken of myself for any sort of attention, for a single online person to tell me I was cute, remebering what I saw. She, however, treated me like a human being. We were all in pain, of course, but she accepted my pain. She protected me, loved me, and for the first time in my life, made me feel like I could be loved without my body as a transaction. And I loved her like I never loved anyone. I remeber a saturday morning where, for the first time in my life, I looked at the sky, and truly believed that everything was gonna be okay, since she was by my side . That I was safe. However, inevitably, the substances got to her head, and I now spend days not knowing if she is alive or dead. I credit this very painful but strangely therapeutic period of my life as my awakening, where I felt something for the first time in a long time. I remember, too, that my childhood before any of this was never a refuge: neglect, violence, an environment where my distress was treated as a character flaw instead of a warning sign. I'm autistic, I have ADHD, and no one ever connected my neurological differences to the vulnerability they created. I learned too early to confuse attention with safety, danger with wanting to be seen, panic with proof that something was wrong with me. I never hurt anyone. I stopped. I asked for help. I'm still here. I remember that I'm alive. And that counts. Today, I'm eighteen. I still struggle with addiction. Some days I still find it hard to love myself, to see myself as anything other than broken or guilty — to see myself, simply, as a victim, rather than someone who "chose" any of this. I'm writing this and sharing it not to be pitied. I'm sharing it because I want people to understand something: a hypersexual child is not a child who wants that. Early hypersexualization is a symptom, not a desire. It's often a sign of emotional neglect, a lack of safety, attachment, or co-regulation in childhood — a void that certain predators are especially skilled at spotting and exploiting. If the adults around me had been able to recognize that for what it was, instead of seeing a behavior problem or a bid for attention that needed correcting, a lot of this might have been avoidable. If my story helps even one person recognize those signs earlier — in a child, in themselves, or in someone they love — then it will have been worth telling. Random Story [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916#comments) - Report ### Discard message? You have a comment in progress, are you sure you want to discard it? Cancel Discard ##### Similar community content Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Aenean commodo ligula eget dolor. Aenean massa. Cum sociis natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient montes, nascetur ridiculus mus. Donec quam felis, ultricies nec, pellentesque eu, pretium quis, sem. Nulla consequat massa quis enim. Donec pede justo, fringilla vel, aliquet nec, vulputate Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Aenean commodo ligula eget dolor. Aenean massa. Cum sociis natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient montes, nascetur ridiculus mus. Donec quam felis, ultricies nec, pellentesque eu, pretium quis, sem. Nulla consequat massa quis enim. Donec pede justo, fringilla vel, aliquet nec, vulputate Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Aenean commodo ligula eget dolor. Aenean massa. Cum sociis natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient montes, nascetur ridiculus mus. Donec quam felis, ultricies nec, pellentesque eu, pretium quis, sem. Nulla consequat massa quis enim. Donec pede justo, fringilla vel, aliquet nec, vulputate 0 Users 0 Views 0 Reactions 0 Stories read ##### Need to take a break? Try a grounding activity For immediate help, visit {{resource}} Show resources for \[Image: Canada\]Canada [\[Image: United States\]United States](/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916?country=us)[\[Image: Argentina\]Argentina](/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916?country=ar)[\[Image: Australia\]Australia](/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916?country=au)[\[Image: Bolivia\]Bolivia](/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916?country=bo)[\[Image: Chile\]Chile](/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916?country=cl)[\[Image: Colombia\]Colombia](/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916?country=co)[\[Image: Costa Rica\]Costa Rica](/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916?country=cr)[\[Image: Cuba\]Cuba](/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916?country=cu)[\[Image: Dominican Republic\]Dominican Republic](/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916?country=do)[\[Image: Ecuador\]Ecuador](/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916?country=ec)[\[Image: El Salvador\]El Salvador](/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916?country=sv)[\[Image: Equatorial Guinea\]Equatorial Guinea](/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916?country=gq)[\[Image: Guatemala\]Guatemala](/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916?country=gt)[\[Image: Honduras\]Honduras](/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916?country=hn)[\[Image: Ireland\]Ireland](/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916?country=ie)[\[Image: Japan\]Japan](/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916?country=jp)[\[Image: Mexico\]Mexico](/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916?country=mx)[\[Image: Nicaragua\]Nicaragua](/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916?country=ni)[\[Image: New Zealand\]New Zealand](/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916?country=nz)[\[Image: Panama\]Panama](/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916?country=pa)[\[Image: Paraguay\]Paraguay](/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916?country=py)[\[Image: Peru\]Peru](/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916?country=pe)[\[Image: Puerto Rico\]Puerto Rico](/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916?country=pr)[\[Image: Spain\]Spain](/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916?country=es)[\[Image: United Kingdom\]United Kingdom](/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916?country=gb)[\[Image: Uruguay\]Uruguay](/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916?country=uy)[\[Image: Venezuela\]Venezuela](/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916?country=ve) English [English](/en/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916)[Español](/es/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916)[日本語](/ja/story/a-saga-of-tears-and-blood-1916) For immediate help, visit {{resource}} Made with in Raleigh, NC | Read our [Community Guidelines](https://www.ourwave.org/en/community-guidelines), [Privacy Policy](https://www.ourwave.org/en/privacy), and [Terms](https://www.ourwave.org/en/terms) | [ #### Resources ](/en/resources) ### Post a Message Share a message of support with the community. Continue We will send you an email as soon as your message is posted, as well as send helpful resources and support. Post Please adhere to our [Community Guidelines](https://www.ourwave.org/en/community-guidelines) to help us keep Our Wave a safe space. All messages will be reviewed and identifying information removed before they are posted. ### Ask a Question Ask a question about survivorship or supporting survivors. Continue We will send you an email as soon as your question is answered, as well as send helpful resources and support. Submit ### How can we help? Tell us why you are reporting this content. Our moderation team will review your report shortly. Violence, hate, or exploitation Threats, hateful language, or sexual coercion Bullying or unwanted contact Harassment, intimidation, or persistent unwanted messages Scam, fraud, or impersonation Deceptive requests or claiming to be someone else False information Misleading claims or deliberate disinformation Submit ### Share Feedback Tell us what’s working (and what isn't) so we can keep improving. Submit ### Log in Enter the email you used to submit to Our Wave and we'll send you a magic link to access your profile. Send link Grounding activity Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud: 5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window) 4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?) 3 – things you can hear 2 – things you can smell 1 – thing you like about yourself. Take a deep breath to end. From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at. Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one). Take a deep breath to end. Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud: 1\. Where am I? 2\. What day of the week is today? 3\. What is today’s date? 4\. What is the current month? 5\. What is the current year? 6\. How old am I? 7\. What season is it? Take a deep breath to end. Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder. Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud. Take a deep breath to end. Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment. Take a deep breath to end. Try another grounding activity I feel grounded and ready