--- title: A realization. ~ Our Wave Community description: For so long I’ve been in the back of my mind, I’ve always felt something was wrong with me. Constantly feeling like a terrible person, never able to maintain... url: https://community.ourwave.org/en/story/a-realization-1877.md --- {{customAnalyticsScripts}} [\[Image: Our Wave Logo\]\[Image: Our Wave Logo\]](/en/) [ Community ](/en/)[ Questions & Answers ](/en/learn)[ Find Support ](/en/resources) Share story Post a message 0 Users 0 Views 0 Reactions 0 Stories read ##### Need to take a break? 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Send it to us 🇺🇸 ##### Survivor story # A realization. Original story ##### Message to a Survivor If you are going through abuse please do not feel the need to brush it off. Get Help, tell someone. ##### Message of Healing My healing goals are being able to feel comfortable in my body again. For a long time and even now, I still feel that I don’t deserve anything but hell itself. I’m working on that though. For so long I’ve been in the back of my mind, I’ve always felt something was wrong with me. Constantly feeling like a terrible person, never able to maintain a stable relationship romantically. I am Neurodivergent (ADHD) so I assumed most of my actions were because of that and/or other things I’ve been through but, as of today I feel like I’ve come to a relaization that from about 8 until at least 14 i’ve been through some sort of sexual harrasment and abuse as a child, which I feel like dictated a lot of my actions during that developmental stage of my life which caused me to hurt others as a child without really knowing why. My earliest memory is being at an older cousins house (a girl) and her wanting to play kissing games with me (at the time 4/5) then another girl in my family and I kissing in the basement of my child hood home (around 6 yrs old.) then at 7 or 8 years old I was pushed down and humped on by another classmate during recess. I had an older friend about two years older then me who would talk about pornography and shownme his genitals and actually introduced me to porn and at one point would make me smell his fingers after having sex. Then another memory of mine was my youngest adopted sister who came from the foster system they’d been sexually abused as well by people in there biological family I came remember her forcing a kiss on me and trying to tell my mom and no one believed me, which led to her starting to hump me and I eventually started liking it (I was 10 or 11) then as I got older (around 12/13) I began experimenting with my sexuality and got with a boy who I was a friend with and he at one point gave me oral sex while I was asleep and it was something I didn’t ask for and I remember trying to tell a friend in that moment and he just called me gay, and the other denied it which ended up causing a conflict and slowly broke that relationship apart. Within this time, I was really into pornography (12/14) and I would around this time start to inflict the same thing onto my other adopted sister, by groping her breast and humping her. She (also abused by her biological family member) began to do what she only knew how which was what I believe was a survival instinct. The law got involved, I don’t blame her for that I just began to blame myself from that point forward not actually understanding why. And to this day I’ve had self confidence issues, a bad history with being in a romantic because I feel I never deserve it so I would end up breaking it off. I’ve been to therapy but I felt as if my therapist wasn’t very much help and so I’ve been trying to find someone who can actually help me work through these things I’ve been through in my past. With my own self work i’ve gotten a lot better but still those feelings remain constantly fighting with myself wishing it would have been different if anyone has advice it would help. Random Story [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/story/a-realization-1877#comments) - Report #### Just Checking... #### Discard Message? You have a comment in progress, are you sure you want to discard it? Cancel Discard ##### Similar community content Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Aenean commodo ligula eget dolor. Aenean massa. Cum sociis natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient montes, nascetur ridiculus mus. Donec quam felis, ultricies nec, pellentesque eu, pretium quis, sem. Nulla consequat massa quis enim. Donec pede justo, fringilla vel, aliquet nec, vulputate Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Aenean commodo ligula eget dolor. Aenean massa. Cum sociis natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient montes, nascetur ridiculus mus. Donec quam felis, ultricies nec, pellentesque eu, pretium quis, sem. Nulla consequat massa quis enim. Donec pede justo, fringilla vel, aliquet nec, vulputate Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Aenean commodo ligula eget dolor. Aenean massa. Cum sociis natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient montes, nascetur ridiculus mus. Donec quam felis, ultricies nec, pellentesque eu, pretium quis, sem. Nulla consequat massa quis enim. Donec pede justo, fringilla vel, aliquet nec, vulputate 0 Users 0 Views 0 Reactions 0 Stories read ##### Need to take a break? Try a grounding activity For immediate help, visit {{resource}} Show resources for \[Image: Dominican Republic\]Dominican Republic [\[Image: United States\]United States](/story/a-realization-1877?country=us)[\[Image: Argentina\]Argentina](/story/a-realization-1877?country=ar)[\[Image: Australia\]Australia](/story/a-realization-1877?country=au)[\[Image: Bolivia\]Bolivia](/story/a-realization-1877?country=bo)[\[Image: Canada\]Canada](/story/a-realization-1877?country=ca)[\[Image: Chile\]Chile](/story/a-realization-1877?country=cl)[\[Image: Colombia\]Colombia](/story/a-realization-1877?country=co)[\[Image: Costa Rica\]Costa Rica](/story/a-realization-1877?country=cr)[\[Image: Cuba\]Cuba](/story/a-realization-1877?country=cu)[\[Image: Ecuador\]Ecuador](/story/a-realization-1877?country=ec)[\[Image: El Salvador\]El Salvador](/story/a-realization-1877?country=sv)[\[Image: Equatorial Guinea\]Equatorial Guinea](/story/a-realization-1877?country=gq)[\[Image: Guatemala\]Guatemala](/story/a-realization-1877?country=gt)[\[Image: Honduras\]Honduras](/story/a-realization-1877?country=hn)[\[Image: Ireland\]Ireland](/story/a-realization-1877?country=ie)[\[Image: Japan\]Japan](/story/a-realization-1877?country=jp)[\[Image: Mexico\]Mexico](/story/a-realization-1877?country=mx)[\[Image: Nicaragua\]Nicaragua](/story/a-realization-1877?country=ni)[\[Image: New Zealand\]New Zealand](/story/a-realization-1877?country=nz)[\[Image: Panama\]Panama](/story/a-realization-1877?country=pa)[\[Image: Paraguay\]Paraguay](/story/a-realization-1877?country=py)[\[Image: Peru\]Peru](/story/a-realization-1877?country=pe)[\[Image: Puerto Rico\]Puerto Rico](/story/a-realization-1877?country=pr)[\[Image: Spain\]Spain](/story/a-realization-1877?country=es)[\[Image: United Kingdom\]United Kingdom](/story/a-realization-1877?country=gb)[\[Image: Uruguay\]Uruguay](/story/a-realization-1877?country=uy)[\[Image: Venezuela\]Venezuela](/story/a-realization-1877?country=ve) English [English](/en/story/a-realization-1877)[Español](/es/story/a-realization-1877)[日本語](/ja/story/a-realization-1877) For immediate help, visit {{resource}} Made with in Raleigh, NC | Read our [Community Guidelines](https://www.ourwave.org/en/community-guidelines), [Privacy Policy](https://www.ourwave.org/en/privacy), and [Terms](https://www.ourwave.org/en/terms) | [ #### Resources ](/en/resources) ### Post a Message Share a message of support with the community. 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Name the following out loud: 5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window) 4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?) 3 – things you can hear 2 – things you can smell 1 – thing you like about yourself. Take a deep breath to end. From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at. Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one). Take a deep breath to end. Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud: 1\. Where am I? 2\. What day of the week is today? 3\. What is today’s date? 4\. What is the current month? 5\. What is the current year? 6\. How old am I? 7\. What season is it? Take a deep breath to end. Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder. Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud. Take a deep breath to end. Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment. Take a deep breath to end. Try another grounding activity I feel grounded and ready