---
title: Understanding and embracing healing: Expert Answers ~ Our Wave
description: Understanding and embracing healing: 30 survivor questions answered by trauma-informed experts in the Our Wave community.
url: https://community.ourwave.org/en/learn/topics/understanding-and-embracing-healing.md
---

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# Understanding and embracing healing

Ask a question

Questions about what healing can look like, why it is rarely a straight line, and how people move forward at their own pace.

30 questions from survivors on this topic, each answered by a trauma-informed expert.

[

#### How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

🇺🇸

The healing process can be an opportunity to regain the control and autonomy that is often taken away during a traumatic experience. You are in the driver seat of your recovery and you decide how you want to navigate your healing and what’s best for you.

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#### How can I deal with “bad days” when I am healing from trauma?

🇺🇸

Healing from trauma is not a linear process, and it’s common and completely normal to have days that feel a lot worse than others. Having a bad day does not mean you are not improving. It does not mean that you are getting worse. If you take a step back and think about where you were when you first began your healing process, it can help you see the larger picture and find the improvements you have made and the growth you’ve experienced.

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#### How did you recover from sexual assault?

🇺🇸

Thank you for asking this. Recovery after sexual assault is a deeply personal journey that unfolds differently for each survivor. Drawing from research on trauma healing, I want to share some insights about the recovery process while acknowledging that there is no single "right" way to heal. Your path and timeline are your own.

](/en/answer/how-did-you-recover-from-sexual-assault-466 "Thank you for asking this. Recovery after sexual assault is a deeply personal journey that unfolds differently for each survivor. Drawing from research on trauma healing, I want to share some insights about the recovery process while acknowledging that there is no single \"right\" way to heal. Your path and timeline are your own.")

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#### So how do you heal from trauma?

🇺🇸

While there is no simple answer to this question, here is a summary of what we discussed this week that may help. First, safety and security is an important foundation to trauma recovery. If you are able, separate yourself from locations or people that trigger painful memories or perpetuate abuse. Establish a safe and nurturing environment to provide a strong foundation and minimize harm that can occur when you do not have a safe place to heal.

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[

#### How do you navigate the feeling that you'll never get past your trauma?? Feeling frustrated because of it.

🇦🇷

Thank you for reaching out to us. I hear how heavy and frustrating this feels for you right now. You are not alone. Living with trauma can sometimes feel like carrying a weight that just won't lift, and it's completely understandable to feel discouraged and frustrated when it seems like it's affecting everything in your life.

](/en/answer/how-do-you-navigate-the-feeling-that-youll-never-get-past-your-trauma-feeling-frustrated-because-of-it-423)

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[

#### How do I know if I am ready to face my trauma?

🇺🇸

It's natural to wonder how you'll recognize that you're prepared to explore painful memories and experiences more openly. Often, it begins with little signs of curiosity about what happened or a sense that you're tired of avoiding certain thoughts, places, or conversations. You may also notice a growing desire to understand why you respond to situations in certain ways, or an urge to reconnect with parts of yourself that you've kept hidden. Feeling the weight of the trauma lingering and wanting relief can be another signal of readiness. Someti...

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#### Is it possible to get flashbacks despite being healed? Does feeling nothing mean I've healed?

🇺🇸

Many survivors of sexual violence describe recovery as an ongoing process that takes time. You might notice some days feel really good, while other days are more difficult to get through. There are so many different ways our bodies & minds respond to trauma. While we are all unique in our experiences, & in the ways we cope & recover, there are some patterns & commonalities that many survivors share.

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[

#### How does forgiveness play into trauma recovery?

🇺🇸

Forgiveness plays an incredibly complicated and sometimes contentious role in the traμma recovery. After experiencing traμma, it is not uncommon for people to tell you that forgiveness is the only path forward to recovery. However, this is not entirely true.

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[

#### Someone rubbed their hand up my inner thigh in a sexual way without my consent. Although it happened 10 years ago it is playing on my mind now. Part of me is telling myself that it isn't a big deal as it was only my inner thighs that were touched and that I am making a mountain out of nothing. I think this thinking is doing more harm than good as I keep going into a thought spiral. How do I stop this kind of thinking and is that form of touching assault?

🇬🇧

Thank you for trusting us with this and I am sorry you feel like you are spiraling. What you're describing - unwanted sexual touching without consent - could certainly be considered sexual assault, but it's entirely up to you how you want to think about and label your experience. There's no requirement to use any particular term, and only you can decide what words feel right for you in understanding what happened. But I want to be very clear: you are not making a mountain out of nothing.

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[

#### I experience intrusive thoughts about past unwanted experiences repeating themselves, either with people I know or in general situations. I understand these thoughts don't reflect my actual desires, but I'm unsure how to handle them. Should I try to ignore these thoughts? How can I better cope with them when they arise?

🇰🇼

Thank you for trusting us with this. I want to assure you that intrusive thoughts about past unwanted experiences are an incredibly common response - they don't reflect your desires or values, and having them doesn't mean anything negative about you. Your understanding that these are just thoughts, not wishes, already shows important self-awareness.

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[

#### How can I move from a victim to a survivor mentality?

🇵🇰

Moving from a victim to a survivor mindset can be a difficult and personal journey. First, it is important to note that it is okay if you are in a place where you feel like a victim. You experienced something traumautic and how you choose to define yourself is up to you. If you are interested in redefining your relationship with your traumatic experience, some steps that may be helpful in making this transition include:

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#### I feel like my trauma will always be a part of me. Is that a bad thing to think?

🇺🇸

Now let’s talk a little bit about how trauma can be a part of your identity after you recognize it’s severity. Once the numbness or minimization subsides, depending on the nature of your trauma, you may experience feelings of hopelessness or overwhelm. In this phase, you can feel overpowered by your feelings or triggered by many things around you. This is the most difficult time to engage in healing work, but also can be the most critical. To get through this time, try acknowledging and naming your feelings without ruminating on them. You can...

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[

#### When I was a child between ages 6-13, I experienced sexual abuse from three different people at separate times. Now that I'm in high school, I notice that interactions with male teachers - even appropriate, friendly academic relationships - trigger feelings of discomfort and unsafety. These feelings remind me of past trauma, even though I rationally believe these teachers would never harm me. I'm struggling with these reactions and wondering if this response is normal and how to cope with it.

🇨🇦

Thank you for asking this difficult but important question. It's completely understandable that you're experiencing discomfort and anxiety around your older male teachers, given both the inherent power dynamics in teacher-student relationships and your past experiences of abuse.

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[

#### I'm a man in my mid-30s trying to cope with the impact of childhood sexual abuse by multiple perpetrators over several years. The abuse began when I was very young and involved different people in various contexts—including family members, someone in a position of authority, and others in my life. This has left me with severe anxiety, compulsive sexual behaviors, and a profound struggle with my identity. I'm reaching out to see if anyone has found a path to healing from complex and repeated trauma.

🇮🇳

Thank you for trusting this space with your story. What you experienced was profound betrayal by multiple people who should have protected you, and the courage it takes to reach out and name these experiences is significant. You deserved safety, protection, and care throughout your childhood, and none of what happened to you was your fault.

](/en/answer/im-a-man-in-my-mid-30s-trying-to-cope-with-the-impact-of-childhood-sexual-abuse-by-multiple-perpetrators-over-several-years-the-abuse-began-when-i-was-very-young-and-involved-different-people-in-vario)

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[

#### Why do I feel so disgusted by myself? It's been months since he touched me and days since I was stalked, and I still feel so uncomfortable in my own skin. Why can't I move past this?

🇺🇸

There is nothing wrong with you for still feeling this way. The disgust you're feeling is not about who you are...it's about what was done to you. But trauma has a cruel way of turning that outward violation inward, making you feel like the wrongness lives inside your body rather than in the actions of the person who harmed you.

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[

#### I find myself being triggered by seemingly unrelated things, including certain words that aren't inherently sexual. Everyday triggers keep bringing up memories of past experiences. How can I manage these unexpected reminders?

🇰🇼

Thank you for bringing up something that many survivors experience but often feel confused or alone about. It's completely normal for our brains to create associations between past experiences and seemingly unrelated words, sounds, smells, or situations. These connections might not make logical sense, but they're actually our brain's way of trying to keep us safe by staying alert to anything it associates with past experiences.

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[Is it ever possible to fully make amends with the person who abused or assaulted you?🇰🇼Thank you for this question. This is a really tough one. Forgiveness plays an incredibly complicated and sometimes contentious role in trauma recovery. Is it possible to make amends with your abuser? Sure...in theory. Is it necessary for your healing? That is up to you.](/en/answer/is-it-ever-possible-to-fully-make-amends-with-the-person-who-abused-or-assaulted-you-99)

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[

#### I still have the sweatshirt that I wore on the day when I was assaulted. It’s very comfortable and I still wear it a lot. Is it healthy that I do that and am I making a mountain out of a molehill about it?

🇺🇸

Thank you for bringing this here. When you ask whether you might be “making a mountain out of a molehill,” you’re wondering whether you’re making something small into a bigger deal than it really is. We appreciate that you are paying this kind of attention to your inner life. It shows how seriously you are taking your own healing.

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[

#### When I was very young (still in diapers), my older cousin sexually abused me. To my knowledge, she hadn't experienced sexual abuse herself or been exposed to pornography or other factors that might explain this behavior. Can you help me understand why she may have done this and offer guidance on how I might process and move on from this experience?

🇺🇸

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been through. What happened to you was not your fault, and your feelings—whatever they may be—are completely valid. First, I want to acknowledge the strength it shows that you're seeking to understand this difficult part of your past. The confusion about why your cousin would have done this without having experienced abuse herself is completely understandable. When events like this happen, especially in childhood, it can leave us with deep questions and a yearning to make sense of something th...

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#### I've been working hard on healing through therapy for years, practicing self-care, and recently joined a support group. I even tried pursuing legal action, but it didn't work out. Despite trying everything that's recommended, I feel like these efforts have only helped a little. I'm exhausted from constantly having to deal with the impact of someone else's actions. How do I move forward with my life?

🇺🇸

Thank you for sharing your experience with such honesty. I feel the exhaustion and frustration in your words, and I want to acknowledge how deeply challenging it is to keep working at healing when progress feels small despite your significant efforts. Many survivors reach this point of feeling worn down by the constant work of recovery, especially when they've done everything "right" - therapy, self-care, support groups - and still find themselves struggling.

](/en/answer/ive-been-working-hard-on-healing-through-therapy-for-years-practicing-self-care-and-recently-joined-a-support-group-i-even-tried-pursuing-legal-action-but-it-didnt-work-out-despite-trying-everything-thats-recommended-i-feel-like-these-efforts-have-only-helped-a-little-im-exhausted-from-constantly-having-to-deal-with-the-impact-of-someone-elses-actions-how-do-i-move-forward-with-my-life-407 "Thank you for sharing your experience with such honesty. I feel the exhaustion and frustration in your words, and I want to acknowledge how deeply challenging it is to keep working at healing when progress feels small despite your significant efforts. Many survivors reach this point of feeling worn down by the constant work of recovery, especially when they've done everything \"right\" - therapy, self-care, support groups - and still find themselves struggling.")

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[

#### I often feel like a burden to others and wish I could disappear. My trauma happened long ago and continued for an extended period, so it feels normal to me now. However, I still encounter the person who hurt me regularly, and each time feels like reopening a wound. Shouldn't I be over this by now? How do I begin healing?

🇺🇸

Thank you for reaching out to us with such deeply personal feelings. I want to start by saying that it takes immense strength to name the pain you're carrying, and I'm honored that you've trusted us with your story. What you're experiencing--all of it--makes complete sense, and you are not alone in feeling this way.

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[

#### I am a survivor of abuse struggling with difficult feelings about my trauma. I find myself experiencing thoughts of craving situations similar to my past abuse. I understand this may be a trauma response, but I need help understanding and managing these distressing feelings in a healthy way. What guidance can you offer about processing and coping with these complex emotions?

🇰🇼

Thank you for having the courage to reach out about these difficult feelings. What you're experiencing is a recognized trauma response that many survivors face, though it's rarely discussed due to shame and fear of judgment. Please know that having these thoughts doesn't make you "broken" or diminish your experience of abuse - they are your mind's complex way of trying to process trauma.

](/en/answer/i-am-a-survivor-of-abuse-struggling-with-difficult-feelings-about-my-trauma-i-find-myself-experiencing-thoughts-of-craving-situations-similar-to-my-past-abuse-i-understand-this-may-be-a-trauma-respons "Thank you for having the courage to reach out about these difficult feelings. What you're experiencing is a recognized trauma response that many survivors face, though it's rarely discussed due to shame and fear of judgment. Please know that having these thoughts doesn't make you \"broken\" or diminish your experience of abuse - they are your mind's complex way of trying to process trauma.")

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#### Two years ago my teacher started grooming me and started an inappropriate relationship with me. I had liked him for years so I was excited, but the first time he ever touched me he didn't ask for consent and put his hands where he wanted. I was uncomfortable but didn't say anything cause we were in public. Later he took my virginity. For almost a year we had a "relationship" but then we got caught and he went to jail. I still miss him and think about all the stuff that happened. I can't get over him and hope to see him one day. I now hate how I look and feel like I got so much uglier and annoying. And I don't know what to do cause I've tried everything to cope but nothing helps. How can I understand why I'm feeling this way and start feeling better?

🇺🇸

Thank you for sharing your story and complex feelings with us. Your struggle to process what happened to you makes complete sense. Missing someone who hurt you, even wanting to see them again, is an extremely common response to this type of relationship - especially when it involved someone in a position of trust like a teacher.

](/en/answer/two-years-ago-my-teacher-started-grooming-me-and-started-an-inappropriate-relationship-with-me-i-had-liked-him-for-years-so-i-was-excited-but-the-first-time-he-ever-touched-me-he-didnt-ask-for-consent "Two years ago my teacher started grooming me and started an inappropriate relationship with me. I had liked him for years so I was excited, but the first time he ever touched me he didn't ask for consent and put his hands where he wanted. I was uncomfortable but didn't say anything cause we were in public. Later he took my virginity. For almost a year we had a \"relationship\" but then we got caught and he went to jail.
I still miss him and think about all the stuff that happened. I can't get over him and hope to see him one day. I now hate how I look and feel like I got so much uglier and annoying. And I don't know what to do cause I've tried everything to cope but nothing helps. How can I understand why I'm feeling this way and start feeling better?")

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#### How do you cope with feeling that life is unfair, especially after trauma? I've started therapy but don't feel understood. How can I deal with these feelings of injustice while trying to heal?

🇦🇷

Thank you for reaching out to us with your feelings and frustrations. The sense of injustice after trauma can feel overwhelming, and it's particularly hard when the very support system meant to help you heal doesn't feel like the right fit. Feeling that life is unfair after trauma is a natural and valid response. You've experienced something that shouldn't have happened, and there's a profound unfairness in having to carry the weight of someone else's actions. It's okay to feel angry, hurt, or frustrated about this. These feelings aren't a fai...

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#### The person who was grooming me recently ended contact, saying he wanted to change and improve himself. I'm experiencing conflicting emotions - anger and resentment, but also relief since I had hoped he would seek help. I feel confused about these mixed feelings and question whether I'm being selfish for having them. How do I process these complex emotions about someone who harmed me but claims to want to change?

🇨🇦

Thank you for reaching out to us. It's completely understandable to have a mix of emotions in this situation. Feeling resentful, angry, glad, and confused all at once doesn't make you selfish—it makes you human.You've been through a complex and difficult experience, and it's normal to have conflicting feelings when someone who has caused you harm says they want to change and then leaves. On one hand, you might have hoped for them to get better, and on the other, you might feel hurt by their actions and the impact they've had on your life...

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#### I (26F) am trying to process childhood sexual abuse from my older sister (29F) that occurred between ages 3-11. It began as 'playing house' but escalated to serious sexual abuse, involving both me and our younger brother. We lived with our single, alcoholic father who was often absent. Around age 10, the situation worsened when my sister (then 13) became involved with a 49-year-old family friend, leading to further exploitation. The abuse ended when I finally refused her advances a year later. We've never discussed it since. Both my sister and I have multiple mental health diagnoses including bipolar disorder and BPD (she also has schizophrenia). I've only partially disclosed this to one friend and a therapist years ago. How do I process this trauma?

🇺🇸

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I can only imagine how difficult it must have been to revisit these memories and put them into words. What you went through as a child was deeply unfair and overwhelming. You were placed in situations that no child should ever have to face, and it's important to acknowledge that none of this was your fault. You were navigating a challenging environment without the support and protection that you deserved.

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#### I need help processing my childhood trauma. I have been harmed by many people, but my mother specifically maintained deeply inappropriate boundaries with me. She would force physical intimacy during bathroom/hygiene routines, make sexual comments about my body, share explicit details about her relationships, and treated me more like a partner than her child. She'd force me to watch her in public restrooms, threatening worse abuse if I refused. What's really haunting me is that at around age 7-8, she unknowingly became my sexual awakening through these bathroom-related incidents, and I developed fetishes that I still have as an adult. While I've made peace with my sexuality, I'm horrified realizing she shaped it through abuse. She denies everything now, claiming I was just "coddled." My therapist validates that this was sexual abuse and assault, but I struggle with the ambiguity since it wasn't penetrative rape. Am I misinterpreting things because of how it affected my sexuality? I just want to be able to name what happened to me, but the lack of clarity makes it so hard.

🇺🇸

Thank you so much for trusting us with your story. I'm deeply sorry that you've had to endure such painful and confusing experiences. What you've described are serious violations of your boundaries and trust by someone who should have protected and cared for you. Your feelings of hurt, confusion, and betrayal are completely valid.The behaviors you've detailed involving your mother indeed sound like forms of abuse. Treating you as a companion rather than a child, exposing you to inappropriate content, invading your privacy, making unsettling co...

](/en/answer/i-need-help-processing-my-childhood-trauma-i-have-been-harmed-by-many-people-but-my-mother-specifically-maintained-deeply-inappropriate-boundaries-with-me-she-would-force-physical-intimacy-during-bathroom-hygiene-routines-make-sexual-comments-about-my-body-share-explicit-details-about-her-relationships-and-treated-me-more-like-a-partner-than-her-child-shed-force-me-to-watch-her-in-public-restrooms-threatening-worse-abuse-if-i-refused-whats-really-haunting-me-is-that-at-around-age-7-8-she-unknowingly-became-my-sexual-awakening-through-these-bathroom-related-incidents-and-i-developed-fetishes-that-i-still-have-as-an-adult-while-ive-made-peace-with-my-sexuality-im-horrified-realizing-she-shaped-it-through-abuse-she-denies-everything-now-claiming-i-was-just-coddled-my-therapist-validates-that-this-was-sexual-abuse-and-assault-but-i-struggle-with-the-ambiguity-since-it-wasnt-penetrative-rape-am-i-misinterpreting-things-because-of-how-it-affected-my-sexuality-i-just-want-to-be-able-to-name-what-happened-to-me-but-the-lack-of-clarity-makes-it-so-hard-382 "I need help processing my childhood trauma. I have been harmed by many people, but my mother specifically maintained deeply inappropriate boundaries with me. She would force physical intimacy during bathroom/hygiene routines, make sexual comments about my body, share explicit details about her relationships, and treated me more like a partner than her child. She'd force me to watch her in public restrooms, threatening worse abuse if I refused.
What's really haunting me is that at around age 7-8, she unknowingly became my sexual awakening through these bathroom-related incidents, and I developed fetishes that I still have as an adult. While I've made peace with my sexuality, I'm horrified realizing she shaped it through abuse. She denies everything now, claiming I was just \"coddled.\"
My therapist validates that this was sexual abuse and assault, but I struggle with the ambiguity since it wasn't penetrative rape. Am I misinterpreting things because of how it affected my sexuality? I just want to be able to name what happened to me, but the lack of clarity makes it so hard.")

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#### I'm struggling with self-harm as a response to trauma from childhood sexual abuse. I think I self-harm because I want to punish myself for all the abuse I have endured. When I was 7, I experienced a violent sexual assault. One of my most triggering memories is of my abuser bathing me afterward - particularly how he washed my hair. Taking baths now triggers memories of feeling unsafe, betrayed, and questioning what I did to deserve this. Although I'm a therapist myself and understand trauma professionally, I'm having difficulty processing this personally. I confided in a colleague who suggested I view the experience with gratitude as it shaped who I am today. While I understand this perspective intellectually, it doesn't address the deep shame and feeling of being permanently marked by the abuse. How do I process these feelings of being 'tainted' by what happened? And how can I express that when I talk about my trauma, I'm not wallowing in self-pity but am trying to convey the way past abuse continues to impact my present? I want to understand how to handle both the emotional turmoil and the physical urge to self-harm.

🇺🇸

Thank you for sharing such a deeply personal and painful experience with us. Thank you also for your work supporting the mental health of those in your community. I can only imagine how challenging it must be to carry these memories and the weight they bring. You deserve support in processing this trauma - both as a survivor and as a therapist who carries their own wounds.

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This question contains references to self-harm or suicidal thoughts. If you or someone you know is struggling, please reach out to a crisis helpline.

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#### Someone touched me repeatedly over the course of seven years. They always made it seem like a joke, and the friends who were around when it happened didn't seem bothered by it, so I've spent a long time questioning whether it was real or whether it counts. The touching was things like shoulder massages, standing uncomfortably close to my face. It wasn't overtly sexual. Can it still be classed as sexual harassment? I've recently started talking about it with a therapist, and I'm noticing something confusing happening. Feelings I had toward the original person, including something that felt like love alongside anger and hopelessness and confusion, seem to be coming up again but getting projected onto my therapist, even though I know they are safe and nothing like that person. Is this normal? And I'm sorry if any of this sounds silly.

🇬🇧

Nothing about what you're carrying sounds silly. The fact that it took years and involves touches that were framed as casual, with witnesses who shrugged it off, makes it harder to name and harder to trust your own read on, not easier. To answer your first question, sexual harassment does not require overtly sexual touching to be real or to qualify legally or clinically. What you're describing, repeated physical contact over seven years, closer-than-wanted proximity, contact that happened without your consent and was minimized when you re...

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#### I'm currently processing a difficult situation in my marriage. A few months ago, during a period when I was struggling with depression and trauma from a sexual assault that occurred before meeting my husband, an incident happened that has left me confused and hurting. One night, while my husband was intoxicated, he initiated sex. I clearly declined because I wasn't in a good mental state. After I went to sleep, I woke up to discover he had removed my pajama bottoms and was engaging in sexual acts without my consent. Since this happened, I've been grappling with complex emotions and uncertainty about whether my feelings are valid or if I'm being influenced by my previous trauma. My husband has shown deep remorse - he's stopped drinking completely and seems to be struggling emotionally with what he did. I asked him to move out temporarily, and we've started couples counseling to see if we can work through this. However, I'm finding it difficult to process everything. I worry that if I can't move past this, I'm destroying my family's stability and causing my husband pain. I'm unsure if my previous assault is making me more sensitive to this situation or if my feelings of violation and breach of trust are warranted on their own.

🇬🇧

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. I am so sorry you are going through this. I want to acknowledge the depth and complexity of what you are experiencing, particularly given the layered context of processing both past and present trauma during a vulnerable time in your life.

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#### How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

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The healing process can be an opportunity to regain the control and autonomy that is often taken away during a traumatic experience. You are in the driver seat of your recovery and you decide how you want to navigate your healing and what’s best for you.

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#### So how do you heal from trauma?

🇺🇸

While there is no simple answer to this question, here is a summary of what we discussed this week that may help. First, safety and security is an important foundation to trauma recovery. If you are able, separate yourself from locations or people that trigger painful memories or perpetuate abuse. Establish a safe and nurturing environment to provide a strong foundation and minimize harm that can occur when you do not have a safe place to heal.

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#### Is it possible to get flashbacks despite being healed? Does feeling nothing mean I've healed?

🇺🇸

Many survivors of sexual violence describe recovery as an ongoing process that takes time. You might notice some days feel really good, while other days are more difficult to get through. There are so many different ways our bodies & minds respond to trauma. While we are all unique in our experiences, & in the ways we cope & recover, there are some patterns & commonalities that many survivors share.

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#### I experience intrusive thoughts about past unwanted experiences repeating themselves, either with people I know or in general situations. I understand these thoughts don't reflect my actual desires, but I'm unsure how to handle them. Should I try to ignore these thoughts? How can I better cope with them when they arise?

🇰🇼

Thank you for trusting us with this. I want to assure you that intrusive thoughts about past unwanted experiences are an incredibly common response - they don't reflect your desires or values, and having them doesn't mean anything negative about you. Your understanding that these are just thoughts, not wishes, already shows important self-awareness.

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#### When I was a child between ages 6-13, I experienced sexual abuse from three different people at separate times. Now that I'm in high school, I notice that interactions with male teachers - even appropriate, friendly academic relationships - trigger feelings of discomfort and unsafety. These feelings remind me of past trauma, even though I rationally believe these teachers would never harm me. I'm struggling with these reactions and wondering if this response is normal and how to cope with it.

🇨🇦

Thank you for asking this difficult but important question. It's completely understandable that you're experiencing discomfort and anxiety around your older male teachers, given both the inherent power dynamics in teacher-student relationships and your past experiences of abuse.

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#### I find myself being triggered by seemingly unrelated things, including certain words that aren't inherently sexual. Everyday triggers keep bringing up memories of past experiences. How can I manage these unexpected reminders?

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Thank you for bringing up something that many survivors experience but often feel confused or alone about. It's completely normal for our brains to create associations between past experiences and seemingly unrelated words, sounds, smells, or situations. These connections might not make logical sense, but they're actually our brain's way of trying to keep us safe by staying alert to anything it associates with past experiences.

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#### When I was very young (still in diapers), my older cousin sexually abused me. To my knowledge, she hadn't experienced sexual abuse herself or been exposed to pornography or other factors that might explain this behavior. Can you help me understand why she may have done this and offer guidance on how I might process and move on from this experience?

🇺🇸

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been through. What happened to you was not your fault, and your feelings—whatever they may be—are completely valid. First, I want to acknowledge the strength it shows that you're seeking to understand this difficult part of your past. The confusion about why your cousin would have done this without having experienced abuse herself is completely understandable. When events like this happen, especially in childhood, it can leave us with deep questions and a yearning to make sense of something th...

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#### I am a survivor of abuse struggling with difficult feelings about my trauma. I find myself experiencing thoughts of craving situations similar to my past abuse. I understand this may be a trauma response, but I need help understanding and managing these distressing feelings in a healthy way. What guidance can you offer about processing and coping with these complex emotions?

🇰🇼

Thank you for having the courage to reach out about these difficult feelings. What you're experiencing is a recognized trauma response that many survivors face, though it's rarely discussed due to shame and fear of judgment. Please know that having these thoughts doesn't make you "broken" or diminish your experience of abuse - they are your mind's complex way of trying to process trauma.

](/en/answer/i-am-a-survivor-of-abuse-struggling-with-difficult-feelings-about-my-trauma-i-find-myself-experiencing-thoughts-of-craving-situations-similar-to-my-past-abuse-i-understand-this-may-be-a-trauma-respons "Thank you for having the courage to reach out about these difficult feelings. What you're experiencing is a recognized trauma response that many survivors face, though it's rarely discussed due to shame and fear of judgment. Please know that having these thoughts doesn't make you \"broken\" or diminish your experience of abuse - they are your mind's complex way of trying to process trauma.")

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#### The person who was grooming me recently ended contact, saying he wanted to change and improve himself. I'm experiencing conflicting emotions - anger and resentment, but also relief since I had hoped he would seek help. I feel confused about these mixed feelings and question whether I'm being selfish for having them. How do I process these complex emotions about someone who harmed me but claims to want to change?

🇨🇦

Thank you for reaching out to us. It's completely understandable to have a mix of emotions in this situation. Feeling resentful, angry, glad, and confused all at once doesn't make you selfish—it makes you human.You've been through a complex and difficult experience, and it's normal to have conflicting feelings when someone who has caused you harm says they want to change and then leaves. On one hand, you might have hoped for them to get better, and on the other, you might feel hurt by their actions and the impact they've had on your life...

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#### I'm struggling with self-harm as a response to trauma from childhood sexual abuse. I think I self-harm because I want to punish myself for all the abuse I have endured. When I was 7, I experienced a violent sexual assault. One of my most triggering memories is of my abuser bathing me afterward - particularly how he washed my hair. Taking baths now triggers memories of feeling unsafe, betrayed, and questioning what I did to deserve this. Although I'm a therapist myself and understand trauma professionally, I'm having difficulty processing this personally. I confided in a colleague who suggested I view the experience with gratitude as it shaped who I am today. While I understand this perspective intellectually, it doesn't address the deep shame and feeling of being permanently marked by the abuse. How do I process these feelings of being 'tainted' by what happened? And how can I express that when I talk about my trauma, I'm not wallowing in self-pity but am trying to convey the way past abuse continues to impact my present? I want to understand how to handle both the emotional turmoil and the physical urge to self-harm.

🇺🇸

Thank you for sharing such a deeply personal and painful experience with us. Thank you also for your work supporting the mental health of those in your community. I can only imagine how challenging it must be to carry these memories and the weight they bring. You deserve support in processing this trauma - both as a survivor and as a therapist who carries their own wounds.

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Community note

This question contains references to self-harm or suicidal thoughts. If you or someone you know is struggling, please reach out to a crisis helpline.

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#### How can I deal with “bad days” when I am healing from trauma?

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Healing from trauma is not a linear process, and it’s common and completely normal to have days that feel a lot worse than others. Having a bad day does not mean you are not improving. It does not mean that you are getting worse. If you take a step back and think about where you were when you first began your healing process, it can help you see the larger picture and find the improvements you have made and the growth you’ve experienced.

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#### How do you navigate the feeling that you'll never get past your trauma?? Feeling frustrated because of it.

🇦🇷

Thank you for reaching out to us. I hear how heavy and frustrating this feels for you right now. You are not alone. Living with trauma can sometimes feel like carrying a weight that just won't lift, and it's completely understandable to feel discouraged and frustrated when it seems like it's affecting everything in your life.

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#### How does forgiveness play into trauma recovery?

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Forgiveness plays an incredibly complicated and sometimes contentious role in the traμma recovery. After experiencing traμma, it is not uncommon for people to tell you that forgiveness is the only path forward to recovery. However, this is not entirely true.

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#### How can I move from a victim to a survivor mentality?

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Moving from a victim to a survivor mindset can be a difficult and personal journey. First, it is important to note that it is okay if you are in a place where you feel like a victim. You experienced something traumautic and how you choose to define yourself is up to you. If you are interested in redefining your relationship with your traumatic experience, some steps that may be helpful in making this transition include:

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#### I'm a man in my mid-30s trying to cope with the impact of childhood sexual abuse by multiple perpetrators over several years. The abuse began when I was very young and involved different people in various contexts—including family members, someone in a position of authority, and others in my life. This has left me with severe anxiety, compulsive sexual behaviors, and a profound struggle with my identity. I'm reaching out to see if anyone has found a path to healing from complex and repeated trauma.

🇮🇳

Thank you for trusting this space with your story. What you experienced was profound betrayal by multiple people who should have protected you, and the courage it takes to reach out and name these experiences is significant. You deserved safety, protection, and care throughout your childhood, and none of what happened to you was your fault.

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[Is it ever possible to fully make amends with the person who abused or assaulted you?🇰🇼Thank you for this question. This is a really tough one. Forgiveness plays an incredibly complicated and sometimes contentious role in trauma recovery. Is it possible to make amends with your abuser? Sure...in theory. Is it necessary for your healing? That is up to you.](/en/answer/is-it-ever-possible-to-fully-make-amends-with-the-person-who-abused-or-assaulted-you-99)

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#### I've been working hard on healing through therapy for years, practicing self-care, and recently joined a support group. I even tried pursuing legal action, but it didn't work out. Despite trying everything that's recommended, I feel like these efforts have only helped a little. I'm exhausted from constantly having to deal with the impact of someone else's actions. How do I move forward with my life?

🇺🇸

Thank you for sharing your experience with such honesty. I feel the exhaustion and frustration in your words, and I want to acknowledge how deeply challenging it is to keep working at healing when progress feels small despite your significant efforts. Many survivors reach this point of feeling worn down by the constant work of recovery, especially when they've done everything "right" - therapy, self-care, support groups - and still find themselves struggling.

](/en/answer/ive-been-working-hard-on-healing-through-therapy-for-years-practicing-self-care-and-recently-joined-a-support-group-i-even-tried-pursuing-legal-action-but-it-didnt-work-out-despite-trying-everything-thats-recommended-i-feel-like-these-efforts-have-only-helped-a-little-im-exhausted-from-constantly-having-to-deal-with-the-impact-of-someone-elses-actions-how-do-i-move-forward-with-my-life-407 "Thank you for sharing your experience with such honesty. I feel the exhaustion and frustration in your words, and I want to acknowledge how deeply challenging it is to keep working at healing when progress feels small despite your significant efforts. Many survivors reach this point of feeling worn down by the constant work of recovery, especially when they've done everything \"right\" - therapy, self-care, support groups - and still find themselves struggling.")

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#### Two years ago my teacher started grooming me and started an inappropriate relationship with me. I had liked him for years so I was excited, but the first time he ever touched me he didn't ask for consent and put his hands where he wanted. I was uncomfortable but didn't say anything cause we were in public. Later he took my virginity. For almost a year we had a "relationship" but then we got caught and he went to jail. I still miss him and think about all the stuff that happened. I can't get over him and hope to see him one day. I now hate how I look and feel like I got so much uglier and annoying. And I don't know what to do cause I've tried everything to cope but nothing helps. How can I understand why I'm feeling this way and start feeling better?

🇺🇸

Thank you for sharing your story and complex feelings with us. Your struggle to process what happened to you makes complete sense. Missing someone who hurt you, even wanting to see them again, is an extremely common response to this type of relationship - especially when it involved someone in a position of trust like a teacher.

](/en/answer/two-years-ago-my-teacher-started-grooming-me-and-started-an-inappropriate-relationship-with-me-i-had-liked-him-for-years-so-i-was-excited-but-the-first-time-he-ever-touched-me-he-didnt-ask-for-consent "Two years ago my teacher started grooming me and started an inappropriate relationship with me. I had liked him for years so I was excited, but the first time he ever touched me he didn't ask for consent and put his hands where he wanted. I was uncomfortable but didn't say anything cause we were in public. Later he took my virginity. For almost a year we had a \"relationship\" but then we got caught and he went to jail.
I still miss him and think about all the stuff that happened. I can't get over him and hope to see him one day. I now hate how I look and feel like I got so much uglier and annoying. And I don't know what to do cause I've tried everything to cope but nothing helps. How can I understand why I'm feeling this way and start feeling better?")

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#### I (26F) am trying to process childhood sexual abuse from my older sister (29F) that occurred between ages 3-11. It began as 'playing house' but escalated to serious sexual abuse, involving both me and our younger brother. We lived with our single, alcoholic father who was often absent. Around age 10, the situation worsened when my sister (then 13) became involved with a 49-year-old family friend, leading to further exploitation. The abuse ended when I finally refused her advances a year later. We've never discussed it since. Both my sister and I have multiple mental health diagnoses including bipolar disorder and BPD (she also has schizophrenia). I've only partially disclosed this to one friend and a therapist years ago. How do I process this trauma?

🇺🇸

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I can only imagine how difficult it must have been to revisit these memories and put them into words. What you went through as a child was deeply unfair and overwhelming. You were placed in situations that no child should ever have to face, and it's important to acknowledge that none of this was your fault. You were navigating a challenging environment without the support and protection that you deserved.

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#### Someone touched me repeatedly over the course of seven years. They always made it seem like a joke, and the friends who were around when it happened didn't seem bothered by it, so I've spent a long time questioning whether it was real or whether it counts. The touching was things like shoulder massages, standing uncomfortably close to my face. It wasn't overtly sexual. Can it still be classed as sexual harassment? I've recently started talking about it with a therapist, and I'm noticing something confusing happening. Feelings I had toward the original person, including something that felt like love alongside anger and hopelessness and confusion, seem to be coming up again but getting projected onto my therapist, even though I know they are safe and nothing like that person. Is this normal? And I'm sorry if any of this sounds silly.

🇬🇧

Nothing about what you're carrying sounds silly. The fact that it took years and involves touches that were framed as casual, with witnesses who shrugged it off, makes it harder to name and harder to trust your own read on, not easier. To answer your first question, sexual harassment does not require overtly sexual touching to be real or to qualify legally or clinically. What you're describing, repeated physical contact over seven years, closer-than-wanted proximity, contact that happened without your consent and was minimized when you re...

](/en/answer/if-someone-touched-you-over-the-space-of-7-years-but-made-out-that-it-was-only-jokingly-and-your-friends-who-witnessed-it-dont-seem-very-bothered-by-it-could-it-still-be-classed-as-sexual-harrassment)

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#### How did you recover from sexual assault?

🇺🇸

Thank you for asking this. Recovery after sexual assault is a deeply personal journey that unfolds differently for each survivor. Drawing from research on trauma healing, I want to share some insights about the recovery process while acknowledging that there is no single "right" way to heal. Your path and timeline are your own.

](/en/answer/how-did-you-recover-from-sexual-assault-466 "Thank you for asking this. Recovery after sexual assault is a deeply personal journey that unfolds differently for each survivor. Drawing from research on trauma healing, I want to share some insights about the recovery process while acknowledging that there is no single \"right\" way to heal. Your path and timeline are your own.")

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#### How do I know if I am ready to face my trauma?

🇺🇸

It's natural to wonder how you'll recognize that you're prepared to explore painful memories and experiences more openly. Often, it begins with little signs of curiosity about what happened or a sense that you're tired of avoiding certain thoughts, places, or conversations. You may also notice a growing desire to understand why you respond to situations in certain ways, or an urge to reconnect with parts of yourself that you've kept hidden. Feeling the weight of the trauma lingering and wanting relief can be another signal of readiness. Someti...

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#### Someone rubbed their hand up my inner thigh in a sexual way without my consent. Although it happened 10 years ago it is playing on my mind now. Part of me is telling myself that it isn't a big deal as it was only my inner thighs that were touched and that I am making a mountain out of nothing. I think this thinking is doing more harm than good as I keep going into a thought spiral. How do I stop this kind of thinking and is that form of touching assault?

🇬🇧

Thank you for trusting us with this and I am sorry you feel like you are spiraling. What you're describing - unwanted sexual touching without consent - could certainly be considered sexual assault, but it's entirely up to you how you want to think about and label your experience. There's no requirement to use any particular term, and only you can decide what words feel right for you in understanding what happened. But I want to be very clear: you are not making a mountain out of nothing.

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#### I feel like my trauma will always be a part of me. Is that a bad thing to think?

🇺🇸

Now let’s talk a little bit about how trauma can be a part of your identity after you recognize it’s severity. Once the numbness or minimization subsides, depending on the nature of your trauma, you may experience feelings of hopelessness or overwhelm. In this phase, you can feel overpowered by your feelings or triggered by many things around you. This is the most difficult time to engage in healing work, but also can be the most critical. To get through this time, try acknowledging and naming your feelings without ruminating on them. You can...

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#### Why do I feel so disgusted by myself? It's been months since he touched me and days since I was stalked, and I still feel so uncomfortable in my own skin. Why can't I move past this?

🇺🇸

There is nothing wrong with you for still feeling this way. The disgust you're feeling is not about who you are...it's about what was done to you. But trauma has a cruel way of turning that outward violation inward, making you feel like the wrongness lives inside your body rather than in the actions of the person who harmed you.

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#### I still have the sweatshirt that I wore on the day when I was assaulted. It’s very comfortable and I still wear it a lot. Is it healthy that I do that and am I making a mountain out of a molehill about it?

🇺🇸

Thank you for bringing this here. When you ask whether you might be “making a mountain out of a molehill,” you’re wondering whether you’re making something small into a bigger deal than it really is. We appreciate that you are paying this kind of attention to your inner life. It shows how seriously you are taking your own healing.

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#### I often feel like a burden to others and wish I could disappear. My trauma happened long ago and continued for an extended period, so it feels normal to me now. However, I still encounter the person who hurt me regularly, and each time feels like reopening a wound. Shouldn't I be over this by now? How do I begin healing?

🇺🇸

Thank you for reaching out to us with such deeply personal feelings. I want to start by saying that it takes immense strength to name the pain you're carrying, and I'm honored that you've trusted us with your story. What you're experiencing--all of it--makes complete sense, and you are not alone in feeling this way.

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#### How do you cope with feeling that life is unfair, especially after trauma? I've started therapy but don't feel understood. How can I deal with these feelings of injustice while trying to heal?

🇦🇷

Thank you for reaching out to us with your feelings and frustrations. The sense of injustice after trauma can feel overwhelming, and it's particularly hard when the very support system meant to help you heal doesn't feel like the right fit. Feeling that life is unfair after trauma is a natural and valid response. You've experienced something that shouldn't have happened, and there's a profound unfairness in having to carry the weight of someone else's actions. It's okay to feel angry, hurt, or frustrated about this. These feelings aren't a fai...

](/en/answer/how-do-you-cope-with-feeling-that-life-is-unfair-especially-after-trauma-ive-started-therapy-but-dont-feel-understood-how-can-i-deal-with-these-feelings-of-injustice-while-trying-to-heal-417)

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#### I need help processing my childhood trauma. I have been harmed by many people, but my mother specifically maintained deeply inappropriate boundaries with me. She would force physical intimacy during bathroom/hygiene routines, make sexual comments about my body, share explicit details about her relationships, and treated me more like a partner than her child. She'd force me to watch her in public restrooms, threatening worse abuse if I refused. What's really haunting me is that at around age 7-8, she unknowingly became my sexual awakening through these bathroom-related incidents, and I developed fetishes that I still have as an adult. While I've made peace with my sexuality, I'm horrified realizing she shaped it through abuse. She denies everything now, claiming I was just "coddled." My therapist validates that this was sexual abuse and assault, but I struggle with the ambiguity since it wasn't penetrative rape. Am I misinterpreting things because of how it affected my sexuality? I just want to be able to name what happened to me, but the lack of clarity makes it so hard.

🇺🇸

Thank you so much for trusting us with your story. I'm deeply sorry that you've had to endure such painful and confusing experiences. What you've described are serious violations of your boundaries and trust by someone who should have protected and cared for you. Your feelings of hurt, confusion, and betrayal are completely valid.The behaviors you've detailed involving your mother indeed sound like forms of abuse. Treating you as a companion rather than a child, exposing you to inappropriate content, invading your privacy, making unsettling co...

](/en/answer/i-need-help-processing-my-childhood-trauma-i-have-been-harmed-by-many-people-but-my-mother-specifically-maintained-deeply-inappropriate-boundaries-with-me-she-would-force-physical-intimacy-during-bathroom-hygiene-routines-make-sexual-comments-about-my-body-share-explicit-details-about-her-relationships-and-treated-me-more-like-a-partner-than-her-child-shed-force-me-to-watch-her-in-public-restrooms-threatening-worse-abuse-if-i-refused-whats-really-haunting-me-is-that-at-around-age-7-8-she-unknowingly-became-my-sexual-awakening-through-these-bathroom-related-incidents-and-i-developed-fetishes-that-i-still-have-as-an-adult-while-ive-made-peace-with-my-sexuality-im-horrified-realizing-she-shaped-it-through-abuse-she-denies-everything-now-claiming-i-was-just-coddled-my-therapist-validates-that-this-was-sexual-abuse-and-assault-but-i-struggle-with-the-ambiguity-since-it-wasnt-penetrative-rape-am-i-misinterpreting-things-because-of-how-it-affected-my-sexuality-i-just-want-to-be-able-to-name-what-happened-to-me-but-the-lack-of-clarity-makes-it-so-hard-382 "I need help processing my childhood trauma. I have been harmed by many people, but my mother specifically maintained deeply inappropriate boundaries with me. She would force physical intimacy during bathroom/hygiene routines, make sexual comments about my body, share explicit details about her relationships, and treated me more like a partner than her child. She'd force me to watch her in public restrooms, threatening worse abuse if I refused.
What's really haunting me is that at around age 7-8, she unknowingly became my sexual awakening through these bathroom-related incidents, and I developed fetishes that I still have as an adult. While I've made peace with my sexuality, I'm horrified realizing she shaped it through abuse. She denies everything now, claiming I was just \"coddled.\"
My therapist validates that this was sexual abuse and assault, but I struggle with the ambiguity since it wasn't penetrative rape. Am I misinterpreting things because of how it affected my sexuality? I just want to be able to name what happened to me, but the lack of clarity makes it so hard.")

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#### I'm currently processing a difficult situation in my marriage. A few months ago, during a period when I was struggling with depression and trauma from a sexual assault that occurred before meeting my husband, an incident happened that has left me confused and hurting. One night, while my husband was intoxicated, he initiated sex. I clearly declined because I wasn't in a good mental state. After I went to sleep, I woke up to discover he had removed my pajama bottoms and was engaging in sexual acts without my consent. Since this happened, I've been grappling with complex emotions and uncertainty about whether my feelings are valid or if I'm being influenced by my previous trauma. My husband has shown deep remorse - he's stopped drinking completely and seems to be struggling emotionally with what he did. I asked him to move out temporarily, and we've started couples counseling to see if we can work through this. However, I'm finding it difficult to process everything. I worry that if I can't move past this, I'm destroying my family's stability and causing my husband pain. I'm unsure if my previous assault is making me more sensitive to this situation or if my feelings of violation and breach of trust are warranted on their own.

🇬🇧

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. I am so sorry you are going through this. I want to acknowledge the depth and complexity of what you are experiencing, particularly given the layered context of processing both past and present trauma during a vulnerable time in your life.

](/en/answer/im-currently-processing-a-difficult-situation-in-my-marriage-a-few-months-ago-during-a-period-when-i-was-struggling-with-depression-and-trauma-from-a-sexual-assault-that-occurred-before-meeting-my-hus)

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## More topics

[

Making sense of childhood experiences

](/en/learn/topics/making-sense-of-childhood-experiences)[

Understanding specific types of trauma and harm

](/en/learn/topics/understanding-specific-types-of-trauma-and-harm)[

Making sense of adult experiences

](/en/learn/topics/making-sense-of-adult-experiences)[

Managing emotions and how you feel in your body

](/en/learn/topics/managing-emotions-and-how-you-feel-in-your-body)[

Seeking help after trauma

](/en/learn/topics/seeking-help-after-trauma)[

Sex, sexuality, and intimacy after trauma

](/en/learn/topics/sex-sexuality-and-intimacy-after-trauma)

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Grounding activity

Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud:

5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window)

4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?)

3 – things you can hear

2 – things you can smell

1 – thing you like about yourself.

Take a deep breath to end.

From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at.

Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one).

Take a deep breath to end.

Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud:

1\. Where am I?

2\. What day of the week is today?

3\. What is today’s date?

4\. What is the current month?

5\. What is the current year?

6\. How old am I?

7\. What season is it?

Take a deep breath to end.

Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder.

Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud.

Take a deep breath to end.

Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment.

Take a deep breath to end.

Try another grounding activity

I feel grounded and ready