---
title: Sharing your story with others: Expert Answers ~ Our Wave
description: Sharing your story with others: 35 survivor questions answered by trauma-informed experts in the Our Wave community.
url: https://community.ourwave.org/en/learn/topics/sharing-your-story-with-others.md
---

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# Sharing your story with others

Ask a question

Questions about telling others what happened, from deciding whether and when to share to how people may respond.

35 questions from survivors on this topic, each answered by a trauma-informed expert.

[We-Speak Community](https://www.wespeak.ie)

[

#### Can I write a poem instead of a story on the platform?

🇮🇪

Thank you for reaching out, and yes, absolutely, you can. After harm, it's common to feel unsure about what space you're allowed to take up. This space is yours, and you don't need permission to use it in whatever way is most helpful for your healing.

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#### Why can sharing your trauma story be therapeutic?

🇺🇸

Sharing your story is an important part of the healing journey after trauma. Assessing whether or not you are ready to share your story, however, is a deeply personal and can be influenced by a variety of factors. Before you start, consider why you want to share your story. This can help you make decisions about how you share your story and who you share it with. Be clear about your intentions and what you hope to achieve by sharing your story. This will increase the likelihood that the act of sharing will be a therapeutic experience for you....

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[

#### Why did everyone believe him (the person who harmed me) and not me, even my best friend who had just met him?

🇺🇸

Thank you for asking this question to us. I'm so sorry this happened to you. Being disbelieved is one of the most painful experiences a survivor can face, and when it comes from people you trusted (especially your best friend) that betrayal cuts incredibly deep. What you're describing is unfortunately common, and I want you to know that the fact people believed him says nothing about the truth of what happened to you. It says everything about how our society has been conditioned to respond to disclosures of sexual violence.

](/en/answer/why-did-everyone-believe-him-the-person-who-harmed-me-and-not-me-even-my-best-friend-who-had-just-met-him-838)

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[

#### I have been wanting to confront my abuser. He's my brother. Is this a good idea?

🇺🇸

Thank you for asking this difficult question. Confronting your abuser, especially when they are a close family member like your brother, is a brave and deeply personal decision. It's important to acknowledge that there is no single "right" answer, and what may be best for one survivor may not be the best path for another. I will share some things for your to consider as you make this decision.

](/en/answer/i-have-been-wanting-to-confront-my-abuser-hes-my-brother-is-this-a-good-idea-147 "Thank you for asking this difficult question. Confronting your abuser, especially when they are a close family member like your brother, is a brave and deeply personal decision. It's important to acknowledge that there is no single \"right\" answer, and what may be best for one survivor may not be the best path for another. I will share some things for your to consider as you make this decision.")

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#### I don’t talk about my assault to my therapist because I’m scared to relive it, how do I move on?

🇺🇸

Talking about your trauma can be challenging, especially when recalling it triggers painful memories. Despite this, many people say disclosing their trauma to a trained professional can be helpful. It can be difficult to balance keeping yourself safe while allowing space for healing, however, so here are some tips.

](/en/answer/i-dont-talk-about-my-assault-to-my-therapist-im-scared-to-relive-it-how-do-i-move-on-15)

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[

#### How do I disclose my trauma to my friends and family?

🇺🇸

It can feel really daunting to talk about your trauma history with those close to you. The first thing to remember is that your story is yours and yours alone. Whether you want to tell important people in your life immediately, much later, or not at all is your choice. If you’re feeling ready to tell someone about what happened, here are some things to think about.

](/en/answer/how-do-i-disclose-my-trauma-to-my-friends-and-family-6)

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#### How do I tell my parents I was raped as a teenager?

🇺🇸

It can feel really daunting to share your trauma history with your parents. You may feel that you need to protect them. You may feel angry at them for not noticing you were struggling. You may worry they will judge you or not believe you. You may also feel some relief or hope that they will understand or support you. Whatever you are feeling. It is valid.

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#### What do I do if some of the men trafficking me are in positions of power as in local and state police or county officials?

🇺🇸

Thank you for reaching out to us and trusting us with this information. This is an incredibly dangerous and frightening situation, especially when those who should protect you are involved in exploitation. Your safety is the top priority. Even when local law enforcement is involved, there are still ways to get help, although it makes sense to be cautious. Federal agencies and national organizations operate independently from local/state authorities and have specific protocols for handling cases involving corrupt officials.

](/en/answer/what-do-i-do-if-some-of-the-men-trafficking-me-are-in-positions-of-power-as-in-local-and-state-police-or-county-officials-450)

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[

#### How do you disclose to a family member that something traumatic happened to you without feeling judged?

🇦🇷

Thank you for asking this. Disclosing a personal and possibly painful experience to a family member can be a daunting task, especially when there's fear of being judged. It's important to approach this conversation in a way that feels safe and comfortable for you. First, consider choosing a time and place where you won't be interrupted and where you feel at ease. A private, quiet setting can help reduce anxiety and create a space where both of you can focus on the conversation. It might be helpful to plan what you want to say in advance. Writi...

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#### After experiencing a PTSD breakdown, I shared details about my sexual assault with my boyfriend's mother. Even though she responded with kindness, I now feel overwhelmed and like she knows too much about me. I feel smaller, confined, and like I'm drowning. Why might I be feeling this way, and how can I cope with these feelings?

🇺🇸

Thank you for reaching out to us. I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. What you're experiencing makes complete sense, and I want you to know that these feelings are a normal response to sharing something so deeply personal during a vulnerable moment. What you're describing sounds like what many people call a "vulnerability hangover" - that overwhelming sense of regret, shame, or discomfort that can follow after opening up about something deeply personal, even when the person responds with kindness.

](/en/answer/after-experiencing-a-ptsd-breakdown-i-shared-details-about-my-sexual-assault-with-my-boyfriends-mother-even-though-she-responded-with-kindness-i-now-feel-overwhelmed-and-like-she-knows-too-much-about "Thank you for reaching out to us. I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. What you're experiencing makes complete sense, and I want you to know that these feelings are a normal response to sharing something so deeply personal during a vulnerable moment. What you're describing sounds like what many people call a \"vulnerability hangover\" - that overwhelming sense of regret, shame, or discomfort that can follow after opening up about something deeply personal, even when the person responds with kindness.")

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[

#### As a survivor of sexual assault who has worked through healing, am I obligated to share my experience with others - whether they're friends, family, or romantic partners? I'm wondering about the boundaries around disclosure and what I do or don't owe to others in terms of sharing my story.

🇺🇸

Thank you for reaching out to us with this important question. The simple and direct answer is no - you never have to share your story of sexual assault with anyone. Healing from sexual trauma is a deeply personal journey, and you have complete autonomy over your story and how you choose to carry it forward in your life.

](/en/answer/as-a-survivor-of-sexual-assault-who-has-worked-through-healing-am-i-obligated-to-share-my-experience-with-others-whether-theyre-friends-family-or-romantic-partners-im-wondering-about-the-boundaries-ar)

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[

#### Do you have any tips for talking to friends about my past sexual assault and my boundaries as a result of it? How do I approach that when they’re also triggered by sexual assault? I feel like if I just got it off my chest I’d finally feel better, but I don’t know how to do that without ruining our friendship. Thank you so much. The work that y’all do is so valuable and you’ve helped me work through stuff a lot in the past.

🇺🇸

Thank you so much for reaching out and for your kind words. I'm glad to hear that our support has been helpful to you in the past. It means a lot to hear your positive feedback. This work is extremely important to us. It's completely understandable that you want to share your experience with your friends and establish and explain your boundaries as a result of it. Opening up about such personal matters can be a significant step toward healing, but it can also feel daunting, especially when you're concerned about triggering others who may have...

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[

#### I'm a survivor who is now studying social work. I'm interested in connecting with other survivors to learn about their experiences and gather demographic information for my studies. Is it possible to connect with other survivors through this platform?

🇳🇱

It's wonderful that you're pursuing social work and want to use your own experiences to inform your understanding and support of others. That kind of personal insight can be incredibly valuable in this field. It's also completely understandable that you'd want to connect with other survivors, especially as someone who has walked a similar path. Many survivors do seek out community for shared understanding and to discover they're not alone.

](/en/answer/im-a-survivor-who-is-now-studying-social-work-im-interested-in-connecting-with-other-survivors-to-learn-about-their-experiences-and-gather-demographic-information-for-my-studies-is-it-possible-to-conn)

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[

#### I recently unlocked a memory from when I was young (around 5 years old) that's bothering me. My best friend and I, who was the same age, were playing with dolls in her bedroom. At one point, we inserted the heads of the dolls into our private areas. I remember feeling uncomfortable. I'm not sure if this would be considered child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA) or if I'm overreacting. I feel ashamed about this memory and hesitant to bring it up with my therapist. Was this COCSA, or am I misinterpreting what happened?

🇫🇷

Thank you for sharing this memory and your concerns. It can be challenging to reflect on childhood experiences that leave us confused or uncomfortable and we appreciate your trust in us. What you're describing sounds like a form of childhood sexual exploration, which is actually quite common. Children around ages 3-6 often engage in exploratory play as they begin to develop curiosity about bodies and sensations. This type of exploration between children of similar ages who are discovering their bodies without an understanding of sexual meaning...

](/en/answer/i-recently-unlocked-a-memory-from-when-i-was-young-around-5-years-old-thats-bothering-me-my-best-friend-and-i-who-was-the-same-age-were-playing-with-dolls-in-her-bedroom-at-one-point-we-inserted-the-h)

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#### How can I explain to my Mom that I mentally blocked out my sexual assault for two years?

🇺🇸

It can feel really daunting to share your trauma history with a parent, particularly when you blocked it out of your mind for a significant period of time. First, know that it is not uncommon for the brain to react this way after you experience a traumatic event. It is it's way of protecting you from overwhelming distress. You may worry, however, that your parent will judge you or not believe you as a result. You may also feel some relief or hope that they will understand or support you if you tell them what you experienced. Whatever you are f...

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[NO MORE Silence, Speak Your Truth Community](https://stories.nomore.org)

[

#### How do I start telling my story?

🇺🇸

Starting to tell your story is such a significant step. Thank you for asking us about this! Sharing your story can begin in quiet, gentle ways. You might find that writing down what happened feels more manageable at first, allowing you to release thoughts onto paper without worrying about anyone else's reactions. This could be in a journal, notes on your phone, or even just fragments of thoughts as they come to you. Some people find that creative expression through art, poetry, or music helps them access and communicate their experiences in wa...

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#### I've been through a lot of trauma and am thinking about starting a blog to share my experiences and survival. Do you have any advice for someone wanting to start writing publicly about trauma and abuse? Also, how did Our Wave come to be?

🇺🇸

Thank you for reaching out to us! It sounds like you have a wealth of experiences and insights to share, and a desire to help others by opening up about them. Many people healing from trauma find it both empowering and comforting to write publicly, and readers often feel less alone when they see their own experiences reflected in someone else's words. Your unique story, and the resilience you've built, can truly touch others who are seeking hope, community, and practical understanding.

](/en/answer/ive-been-through-a-lot-of-trauma-and-am-thinking-about-starting-a-blog-to-share-my-experiences-and-survival-do-you-have-any-advice-for-someone-wanting-to-start-writing-publicly-about-trauma-and-abuse)

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[

#### How do I confront my older cousin who caused me harm years ago? She's never taken responsibility for what happened, and I can see the lasting impact it's had on me. We both live in the same city now. How should I approach contacting her about this?

🇺🇸

Deciding whether and how to confront someone who harmed you is an incredibly personal choice that deserves careful consideration. There's no single "right" way to handle this situation, and whatever you decide should prioritize your safety, healing, and wellbeing above all else.

](/en/answer/how-do-i-confront-my-older-cousin-who-caused-me-harm-years-ago-shes-never-taken-responsibility-for-what-happened-and-i-can-see-the-lasting-impact-its-had-on-me-we-both-live-in-the-same-city-now-how-sh "Deciding whether and how to confront someone who harmed you is an incredibly personal choice that deserves careful consideration. There's no single \"right\" way to handle this situation, and whatever you decide should prioritize your safety, healing, and wellbeing above all else.")

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#### I was a kid in middle school this other kid would follow me around smiling following me in line I would move around in the front or the back he would follow then one day we was in class he took his hand and grabbed my thigh upper part of my thigh closer to my waist bone and squeezed a little and I told him to stop he did it a few times and he smiled I then got up. What is this considered? I’m an adult now I never told anyone and it creeps up constantly making me want to cry.

🇺🇸

Thank you for sharing this experience with us. What you're describing sounds like unwanted and inappropriate touching that occurred without your consent. Even though you both were young at the time, his actions were not okay, especially since you told him to stop and he continued.

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#### I told a close friend and my cousin about what happened to me, and it felt good for a few days. But now I can't stop replaying the memory over and over, which I hadn't been doing for months. I don't understand why this is happening again when I thought I was getting better. Why does it feel like things are getting worse?

🇺🇸

Thank you for reaching out to us. What you're experiencing is actually a really common part of the healing process, even though I know it doesn't feel that way right now. When you shared your story with your friend and cousin, you did something incredibly brave. Opening up about what happened can initially bring relief because you're no longer carrying it alone, and that validation and support can feel powerful. But sharing your story can also stir up memories and feelings that had been sitting beneath the surface. It's like you opened a door...

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[

#### I came out as bisexual to my family recently, and I am afraid that they won't believe me and won't let me date girls. Is this normal? I have a very understanding and supportive family, and I talk about everything with my mom, but it feels like I can't talk about this to her.

🇺🇸

I'm sorry you're feeling anxious about talking to your family after coming out as bisexual. It's understandable to have concerns, even with a supportive family. What you're experiencing is fairly common. Despite having a good relationship with understanding parents, it can still feel daunting to open up about your sexual orientation to the ones you love. There may be fears about being judged, criticized, or having your identity invalidated.

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#### I'm struggling with intense imposter syndrome in survivor spaces. Even though no one is actively pressuring me to share details of my abuse, I feel caught in an impossible situation - like I'm not a 'real' survivor if I keep my story private, but I'm also terrified of not being taken seriously if I do share, given the nature of my abuse. This internal conflict is constant. Sometimes I even find myself wishing someone would invalidate my experience by telling me it wasn't real abuse - which feels deeply confusing because I simultaneously struggle with fears that maybe I'm making it all up or that it 'wasn't bad enough' to count. I need help understanding why I'm experiencing these contradictory thoughts and feelings about my abuse, and how I can break free from this cycle of self-doubt. Why might I be simultaneously seeking validation and invalidation? How can I feel more secure in my own experiences and my place in survivor spaces without feeling pressured to share more than I'm comfortable with?

🇬🇧

Thank you for sharing your feelings so openly. It's completely understandable to experience these conflicting thoughts and emotions. Many survivors grapple with feelings of self-doubt and questioning the validity of their experiences, even when those experiences have had a significant impact on them.

](/en/answer/im-struggling-with-intense-imposter-syndrome-in-survivor-spaces-even-though-no-one-is-actively-pressuring-me-to-share-details-of-my-abuse-i-feel-caught-in-an-impossible-situation-like-im-not-a-real-su)

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#### I went through a sexual assault a few months ago and I'm having a really hard time dealing with it on my own. I want to tell my friends what happened because I think that it would make it feel less shameful. I'm worried that if I tell them, they will stress over it all the time or that it will ruin their day or week, and I can't get past that fear. How do you go about telling a friend something like this without having them worry too much about you and your situation?

🇨🇦

I am so sorry you went through that. It's completely natural to want to share your experience with friends, especially when dealing with the aftermath of sexual assault on your own. Sharing your experience with friends can be an important step in your healing journey. Many survivors find that talking to someone they trust helps alleviate some of the burden and makes things feel less overwhelming.

](/en/answer/i-went-through-a-sexual-assault-a-few-months-ago-and-im-having-a-really-hard-time-dealing-with-it-on-my-own-i-want-to-tell-my-friends-what-happened-because-i-think-that-it-would-make-it-feel-less-sham)

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#### How can I tell my sister about what happened with our other sister when I was 6-7 and she was 11-12? She would make me touch her and kiss her when we were alone, and when I didn't want to, she would say "it's okay." I want to tell my other sister but don't know how to approach this conversation.

🇺🇸

Thank you so much for trusting us with this. What you experienced was not okay, and I want you to know that none of it was your fault. The fact that you said no and were overridden shows that your boundaries were violated, and your feelings about this experience are completely valid.

](/en/answer/how-can-i-tell-my-sister-about-what-happened-with-our-other-sister-when-i-was-6-7-and-she-was-11-12-she-would-make-me-touch-her-and-kiss-her-when-we-were-alone-and-when-i-didnt-want-to-she-would-say-i "How can I tell my sister about what happened with our other sister when I was 6-7 and she was 11-12? She would make me touch her and kiss her when we were alone, and when I didn't want to, she would say \"it's okay.\" I want to tell my other sister but don't know how to approach this conversation.")

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#### I'm struggling to find the courage to report someone who has been grooming me. Even though he has sexually abused me and others, I still maintain contact with him because I feel attached - he's been nice to me at times and promised to stop the abuse. I think I might be the only one of his victims who is in a position to report him, so I feel a sense of pressure and responsibility. But taking that step feels overwhelming. I'm torn between wanting to protect others and struggling with my complicated feelings about him. How do I handle this situation?

🇨🇦

Thank you for reaching out to us. This situatoin sounds extremely challenging and I can hear how torn you are between your attachment to this person and your understanding that reporting him could protect others. These conflicting emotions are completely normal when dealing with someone who has built a connection with you while also causing harm.

](/en/answer/im-struggling-to-find-the-courage-to-report-someone-who-has-been-grooming-me-even-though-he-has-sexually-abused-me-and-others-i-still-maintain-contact-with-him-because-i-feel-attached-hes-been-nice-to)

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#### My grandmother's partner groomed me from a young age sexually assaulted me while I was drunk as an adult. My husband witnessed and stopped the assault. This has caused significant trauma and issues in our marriage. Now my husband is giving me an ultimatum: I must tell my grandmother about the assault and limit contact with her, or he will leave me. My grandmother is terminally ill with cancer. Is it fair for my husband to demand this of me? I'm not ready to tell my family, and I don't want to lose my grandmother before I have to. I'm also afraid that if I choose to leave instead, he'll tell my family anyway. What should I do?

🇺🇸

Wow. This is a really tough situation. Thank you for sharing it with us. To start, while your husband's concern for your well-being is understandable, issuing ultimatums in such sensitive matters is rarely productive and can add unnecessary pressure to an already traumatic situation. Putting you in that position is extremely unfair. Your healing process should proceed at your own pace, and forcing disclosure before you're ready could potentially be harmful to your mental health and family relationships.

](/en/answer/my-grandmothers-partner-groomed-me-from-a-young-age-sexually-assaulted-me-while-i-was-drunk-as-an-adult-my-husband-witnessed-and-stopped-the-assault-this-has-caused-significant-trauma-and-issues-in-our-marriage-now-my-husband-is-giving-me-an-ultimatum-i-must-tell-my-grandmother-about-the-assault-and-limit-contact-with-her-or-he-will-leave-me-my-grandmother-is-terminally-ill-with-cancer-is-it-fair-for-my-husband-to-demand-this-of-me-im-not-ready-to-tell-my-family-and-i-dont-want-to-lose-my-grandmother-before-i-have-to-im-also-afraid-that-if-i-choose-to-leave-instead-hell-tell-my-family-anyway-what-should-i-do-178)

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#### For a long time, I was afraid to have kids. I used to think, "What if I am like them?" I don't want to harm anyone—that was a battle into my late 20s. My kids are now 14 and 17, and I'm so proud of them just being able to be kids. How do you tell your children your story? And how do you stop the verbal abuse from replaying in your mind at times when you weren't even thinking about it? Something on TV triggers a memory, and now you're just stuck. It's triggers everywhere, and every day I'm apologizing to my younger self because she didn't deserve any of that.

🇺🇸

Thank you for reaching out to us with this. First, I want to acknowledge the incredible strength it takes to break cycles and create a different experience for your children. Your pride in simply allowing your kids to experience their own uncomplicated childhoods is a testament to how deeply you value their safety and happiness, and that love will guide any conversations you choose to have with them.

](/en/answer/for-a-long-time-i-was-afraid-to-have-kids-i-used-to-think-what-if-i-am-like-them-i-dont-want-to-harm-anyonethat-was-a-battle-into-my-late-20s-my-kids-are-now-14-and-17-and-im-so-proud-of-them-just-bei "For a long time, I was afraid to have kids. I used to think, \"What if I am like them?\" I don't want to harm anyone—that was a battle into my late 20s. My kids are now 14 and 17, and I'm so proud of them just being able to be kids. How do you tell your children your story? And how do you stop the verbal abuse from replaying in your mind at times when you weren't even thinking about it? Something on TV triggers a memory, and now you're just stuck. It's triggers everywhere, and every day I'm apologizing to my younger self because she didn't deserve any of that.")

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#### I recently remembered my perpetrator, who I had just started dating, sort of apologizing after he raped me. He cursed himself, calling himself a "bastard," but didn't fully admit what he'd done. He then told me I was "amazing and special." Was he feeling shame or manipulating me? Do perpetrators often use manipulation to avoid consequences? Also, when I've tried to speak out about my experience, I've gotten very negative reactions. I thought I was helping other women, but now I feel more guilt and shame for talking about it. Is this normal?

🇮🇪

Thank you for sharing this deeply personal experience. What you've been through is incredibly difficult, and it's understandable that you're grappling with distressing emotions and memories. Regarding your perpetrator's behavior, the situation you're describing is complex and confusing. His self-deprecation, vague apology, and compliments could be due to a mix of shame and manipulation. Some perpetrators might feel momentary remorse, while also trying to avoid consequences. The "apology" without fully admitting wrongdoing, followed by co...

](/en/answer/i-recently-remembered-my-perpetrator-who-i-had-just-started-dating-sort-of-apologizing-after-he-raped-me-he-cursed-himself-calling-himself-a-bastard-but-didnt-fully-admit-what-hed-done-he-then-told-me-i-was-amazing-and-special-was-he-feeling-shame-or-manipulating-me-do-perpetrators-often-use-manipulation-to-avoid-consequences-also-when-ive-tried-to-speak-out-about-my-experience-ive-gotten-very-negative-reactions-i-thought-i-was-helping-other-women-but-now-i-feel-more-guilt-and-shame-for-talking-about-it-is-this-normal-181 "Thank you for sharing this deeply personal experience. What you've been through is incredibly difficult, and it's understandable that you're grappling with distressing emotions and memories. 
Regarding your perpetrator's behavior, the situation you're describing is complex and confusing. His self-deprecation, vague apology, and compliments could be due to a mix of shame and manipulation. Some perpetrators might feel momentary remorse, while also trying to avoid consequences. The \"apology\" without fully admitting wrongdoing, followed by co...")

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#### My memories of what happened are somewhat out of order. When I was around 11-12 years old, an incident occurred with a girl who was a year younger than me. I reluctantly agreed at first to kissing her in a bathtub, but then it escalated beyond kissing and moved to the couch. At that point, I made it clear I was uncomfortable, but she didn't listen. Her mother never touched me sexually but was also very inappropriate towards me. What would this experience be categorized as? I feel dramatic calling it COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse) or sexual abuse, but I'm not sure how to understand what happened.

🇺🇸

Thank you for sharing your story with us. The fragmented nature of your memories is completely normal - our brains often process difficult experiences this way, particularly those that occurred during childhood when our minds were still developing. What you've described involves a complex situation where your boundaries were clearly violated. When you expressed discomfort and the other child didn't listen, that indicates a significant disregard for your consent. Child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA) refers to sexual activities between children t...

](/en/answer/my-memories-of-what-happened-are-somewhat-out-of-order-when-i-was-around-11-12-years-old-an-incident-occurred-with-a-girl-who-was-a-year-younger-than-me-i-reluctantly-agreed-at-first-to-kissing-her-in)

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#### I have a severe fear of the dark that stems from childhood experiences where I was locked in rooms as punishment. I struggle with how to communicate this fear to others in situations where it matters. I want them to understand it's serious without having to share my full trauma history or make things awkward. How can I explain my need to avoid dark spaces without trauma dumping?

🇺🇸

Thank you so much for asking this important question. It sounds like you've been living with a deeply rooted fear that goes beyond a simple dislike of darkness, and it's completely understandable that you'd want others around you to appreciate the seriousness without having to share all the upsetting details. Many trauma survivors face this exact challenge-- needing others to understand the seriousness of certain triggers without feeling obligated to share painful details or justify their experiences.

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#### When I was 7 or 8, my older brother (10 or 11) with learning disabilities engaged in inappropriate sexual behavior towards me, including dry humping and other actions. I didn't resist or consent, just accepted it as I thought that's how things were. I told my mom when I was 13, but she doesn't seem to take it as seriously as I do, possibly because she experienced worse things in her childhood. The experience has affected my relationships, and I feel anxious and afraid. My brother and I still live in the same house, and he continues to struggle with viewing porn and looking at me in a sexual way. I want to seek therapy, but my mom doesn't think it's serious enough, and I'm afraid to tell my dad. Is this valid trauma, and how should I proceed?

🇺🇸

Thank you for sharing this difficult experience. What happened to you was not your fault, and your feelings are entirely valid. The behavior you described from your brother could indeed be a sexually traumatic experience. It is perfectly acceptable to label this as trauma if it is having an ongoing impact on your wellbeing.

](/en/answer/when-i-was-7-or-8-my-older-brother-10-or-11-with-learning-disabilities-engaged-in-inappropriate-sexual-behavior-towards-me-including-dry-humping-and-other-actions-i-didnt-resist-or-consent-just-accepted-it-as-i-thought-thats-how-things-were-i-told-my-mom-when-i-was-13-but-she-doesnt-seem-to-take-it-as-seriously-as-i-do-possibly-because-she-experienced-worse-things-in-her-childhood-the-experience-has-affected-my-relationships-and-i-feel-anxious-and-afraid-my-brother-and-i-still-live-in-the-same-house-and-he-continues-to-struggle-with-viewing-porn-and-looking-at-me-in-a-sexual-way-i-want-to-seek-therapy-but-my-mom-doesnt-think-its-serious-enough-and-im-afraid-to-tell-my-dad-is-this-valid-trauma-and-how-should-i-proceed-204)

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#### I've experienced abuse from multiple people throughout my life. When I've tried to share my story before, others have asked me to stop because they found it too difficult to hear. I want to share my experiences in a way that might help other survivors/ victims, but I'm unsure if this is an appropriate space. Is it okay to share a longer, complex story about survival here?

🇬🇧

Thank you for trusting us enough to consider sharing your story. It must have been difficult to have others ask you to stop sharing in the past - that experience alone can feel like another layer of silencing on top of what you've already endured. Living through multiple experiences of abuse is already overwhelming; being unable to fully share your truth adds another burden you shouldn't have to carry.

](/en/answer/ive-experienced-abuse-from-multiple-people-throughout-my-life-when-ive-tried-to-share-my-story-before-others-have-asked-me-to-stop-because-they-found-it-too-difficult-to-hear-i-want-to-share-my-experiences-in-a-way-that-might-help-other-survivors-victims-but-im-unsure-if-this-is-an-appropriate-space-is-it-okay-to-share-a-longer-complex-story-about-survival-here-317)

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#### I have a deep desire to be more open about my childhood sexual trauma and join local survivor support and activist groups. However, I often hesitate because my experience involved child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA). Since the person who sexually abused me was also very young, I struggle with feeling like my voice might matter less in these spaces, or that my experience might not be seen as "real" abuse. I believe strongly that discussing COCSA is crucial – it shows how abuse can create ripple effects through entire communities. But I worry that others, especially in survivor spaces, might privately judge my experiences as less serious or valid, even if they don't say it directly. I want to help raise awareness about childhood sexual abuse, particularly COCSA, since it's rarely discussed in academic or public conversations. How can I move past these fears and step into advocacy work while honoring the complexity of my experience?

🇬🇧

Thank you so much for asking us this question. We get a lot of questions from COCSA survivors and I think this highlights the importance of having more people with lived experience with COCSA in advocacy spaces. The fact that you're considering using your experience to create positive change, despite your fears, speaks volumes about your strength and dedication to breaking the silence around this important issue.

](/en/answer/i-have-a-deep-desire-to-be-more-open-about-my-childhood-sexual-trauma-and-join-local-survivor-support-and-activist-groups-however-i-often-hesitate-because-my-experience-involved-child-on-child-sexual "I have a deep desire to be more open about my childhood sexual trauma and join local survivor support and activist groups. However, I often hesitate because my experience involved child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA). Since the person who sexually abused me was also very young, I struggle with feeling like my voice might matter less in these spaces, or that my experience might not be seen as \"real\" abuse.
I believe strongly that discussing COCSA is crucial – it shows how abuse can create ripple effects through entire communities. But I worry that others, especially in survivor spaces, might privately judge my experiences as less serious or valid, even if they don't say it directly.
I want to help raise awareness about childhood sexual abuse, particularly COCSA, since it's rarely discussed in academic or public conversations. How can I move past these fears and step into advocacy work while honoring the complexity of my experience?")

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#### Now that I'm an adult, I understand what grooming is. Some of the people who abused me, I thought were my family, and later found out we weren't even related. What I thought was spending time with my grandmother was really her grooming me for my grandfather. How do I stop referring to them as grandma and grandpa? I know we weren't related from a very young age, but they were all I knew. I've tried to refer to them by their first names, but it just doesn't feel right. But I also don't like what happens to my chest when I say grandma and grandpa either.

🇺🇸

Thank you for trusting us with this. What you're describing is such a profound betrayal on multiple levels. It sounds like these people manipulated not only your body and your boundaries, but also your understanding of who they were to you and what family meant. The grief and confusion you're experiencing around what to call them makes complete sense because language is tied to identity, memory, and meaning. It sounds like you're not just changing names. You're reworking your entire understanding of those relationships, and it's understandable...

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#### I'm struggling to understand an experience I had when I was 17. A guy the same age as me was driving, while his friend gave me alcohol in the backseat. I became extremely incapacitated, slurring my speech. My best friend was in the passenger seat. The driver, who hadn't been drinking, moved to the backseat and performed oral sex on me and digitally penetrated me. I never consented when he asked, and I felt only pain, not pleasure. I was barely conscious due to the alcohol. Immediately after, I self-harmed for the first time in a long while. When I got home, I showered right away because I felt disgusting. I didn't think much about it until the girl who was there told me she thought it was sexual assault. Following this event, my mental health deteriorated significantly. I became suicidal and self-harmed frequently. I'm confused about how to feel because my old friend said it was both his and my fault, while my mom said the opposite. We were only acquaintances before this happened. Given that we were both minors and I was incapacitated, was this sexual assault? How should I understand and process this experience?

🇺🇸

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. Wow...that sounds like a terrible situation. I am deeply sorry you experienced this traumatic event. While only you can ultimately decide how to label your experience, what you've described does align with the definition of sexual assault. Let me explain...

](/en/answer/im-struggling-to-understand-an-experience-i-had-when-i-was-17-a-guy-the-same-age-as-me-was-driving-while-his-friend-gave-me-alcohol-in-the-backseat-i-became-extremely-incapacitated-slurring-my-speech-my-best-friend-was-in-the-passenger-seat-the-driver-who-hadnt-been-drinking-moved-to-the-backseat-and-performed-oral-sex-on-me-and-digitally-penetrated-me-i-never-consented-when-he-asked-and-i-felt-only-pain-not-pleasure-i-was-barely-conscious-due-to-the-alcohol-immediately-after-i-self-harmed-for-the-first-time-in-a-long-while-when-i-got-home-i-showered-right-away-because-i-felt-disgusting-i-didnt-think-much-about-it-until-the-girl-who-was-there-told-me-she-thought-it-was-sexual-assault-following-this-event-my-mental-health-deteriorated-significantly-i-became-suicidal-and-self-harmed-frequently-im-confused-about-how-to-feel-because-my-old-friend-said-it-was-both-his-and-my-fault-while-my-mom-said-the-opposite-we-were-only-acquaintances-before-this-happened-given-that-we-were-both-minors-and-i-was-incapacitated-was-this-sexual-assault-how-should-i-understand-and-process-this-experience-227)

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[We-Speak Community](https://www.wespeak.ie)

[

#### Can I write a poem instead of a story on the platform?

🇮🇪

Thank you for reaching out, and yes, absolutely, you can. After harm, it's common to feel unsure about what space you're allowed to take up. This space is yours, and you don't need permission to use it in whatever way is most helpful for your healing.

](/en/answer/can-i-write-a-poam-966)

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[

#### I have been wanting to confront my abuser. He's my brother. Is this a good idea?

🇺🇸

Thank you for asking this difficult question. Confronting your abuser, especially when they are a close family member like your brother, is a brave and deeply personal decision. It's important to acknowledge that there is no single "right" answer, and what may be best for one survivor may not be the best path for another. I will share some things for your to consider as you make this decision.

](/en/answer/i-have-been-wanting-to-confront-my-abuser-hes-my-brother-is-this-a-good-idea-147 "Thank you for asking this difficult question. Confronting your abuser, especially when they are a close family member like your brother, is a brave and deeply personal decision. It's important to acknowledge that there is no single \"right\" answer, and what may be best for one survivor may not be the best path for another. I will share some things for your to consider as you make this decision.")

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[

#### How do I tell my parents I was raped as a teenager?

🇺🇸

It can feel really daunting to share your trauma history with your parents. You may feel that you need to protect them. You may feel angry at them for not noticing you were struggling. You may worry they will judge you or not believe you. You may also feel some relief or hope that they will understand or support you. Whatever you are feeling. It is valid.

](/en/answer/how-do-i-tell-my-parents-i-was-raped-as-a-teenager-71)

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[

#### After experiencing a PTSD breakdown, I shared details about my sexual assault with my boyfriend's mother. Even though she responded with kindness, I now feel overwhelmed and like she knows too much about me. I feel smaller, confined, and like I'm drowning. Why might I be feeling this way, and how can I cope with these feelings?

🇺🇸

Thank you for reaching out to us. I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. What you're experiencing makes complete sense, and I want you to know that these feelings are a normal response to sharing something so deeply personal during a vulnerable moment. What you're describing sounds like what many people call a "vulnerability hangover" - that overwhelming sense of regret, shame, or discomfort that can follow after opening up about something deeply personal, even when the person responds with kindness.

](/en/answer/after-experiencing-a-ptsd-breakdown-i-shared-details-about-my-sexual-assault-with-my-boyfriends-mother-even-though-she-responded-with-kindness-i-now-feel-overwhelmed-and-like-she-knows-too-much-about "Thank you for reaching out to us. I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. What you're experiencing makes complete sense, and I want you to know that these feelings are a normal response to sharing something so deeply personal during a vulnerable moment. What you're describing sounds like what many people call a \"vulnerability hangover\" - that overwhelming sense of regret, shame, or discomfort that can follow after opening up about something deeply personal, even when the person responds with kindness.")

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[

#### I'm a survivor who is now studying social work. I'm interested in connecting with other survivors to learn about their experiences and gather demographic information for my studies. Is it possible to connect with other survivors through this platform?

🇳🇱

It's wonderful that you're pursuing social work and want to use your own experiences to inform your understanding and support of others. That kind of personal insight can be incredibly valuable in this field. It's also completely understandable that you'd want to connect with other survivors, especially as someone who has walked a similar path. Many survivors do seek out community for shared understanding and to discover they're not alone.

](/en/answer/im-a-survivor-who-is-now-studying-social-work-im-interested-in-connecting-with-other-survivors-to-learn-about-their-experiences-and-gather-demographic-information-for-my-studies-is-it-possible-to-conn)

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[NO MORE Silence, Speak Your Truth Community](https://stories.nomore.org)

[

#### How do I start telling my story?

🇺🇸

Starting to tell your story is such a significant step. Thank you for asking us about this! Sharing your story can begin in quiet, gentle ways. You might find that writing down what happened feels more manageable at first, allowing you to release thoughts onto paper without worrying about anyone else's reactions. This could be in a journal, notes on your phone, or even just fragments of thoughts as they come to you. Some people find that creative expression through art, poetry, or music helps them access and communicate their experiences in wa...

](/en/answer/how-do-i-start-telling-my-story-766)

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[

#### I was a kid in middle school this other kid would follow me around smiling following me in line I would move around in the front or the back he would follow then one day we was in class he took his hand and grabbed my thigh upper part of my thigh closer to my waist bone and squeezed a little and I told him to stop he did it a few times and he smiled I then got up. What is this considered? I’m an adult now I never told anyone and it creeps up constantly making me want to cry.

🇺🇸

Thank you for sharing this experience with us. What you're describing sounds like unwanted and inappropriate touching that occurred without your consent. Even though you both were young at the time, his actions were not okay, especially since you told him to stop and he continued.

](/en/answer/i-was-a-kid-in-middle-school-this-other-kid-would-follow-me-around-smiling-following-me-in-line-i-would-move-around-in-the-front-or-the-back-he-would-follow-then-one-day-we-was-in-class-he-took-his-ha)

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[

#### I'm struggling with intense imposter syndrome in survivor spaces. Even though no one is actively pressuring me to share details of my abuse, I feel caught in an impossible situation - like I'm not a 'real' survivor if I keep my story private, but I'm also terrified of not being taken seriously if I do share, given the nature of my abuse. This internal conflict is constant. Sometimes I even find myself wishing someone would invalidate my experience by telling me it wasn't real abuse - which feels deeply confusing because I simultaneously struggle with fears that maybe I'm making it all up or that it 'wasn't bad enough' to count. I need help understanding why I'm experiencing these contradictory thoughts and feelings about my abuse, and how I can break free from this cycle of self-doubt. Why might I be simultaneously seeking validation and invalidation? How can I feel more secure in my own experiences and my place in survivor spaces without feeling pressured to share more than I'm comfortable with?

🇬🇧

Thank you for sharing your feelings so openly. It's completely understandable to experience these conflicting thoughts and emotions. Many survivors grapple with feelings of self-doubt and questioning the validity of their experiences, even when those experiences have had a significant impact on them.

](/en/answer/im-struggling-with-intense-imposter-syndrome-in-survivor-spaces-even-though-no-one-is-actively-pressuring-me-to-share-details-of-my-abuse-i-feel-caught-in-an-impossible-situation-like-im-not-a-real-su)

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[

#### I'm struggling to find the courage to report someone who has been grooming me. Even though he has sexually abused me and others, I still maintain contact with him because I feel attached - he's been nice to me at times and promised to stop the abuse. I think I might be the only one of his victims who is in a position to report him, so I feel a sense of pressure and responsibility. But taking that step feels overwhelming. I'm torn between wanting to protect others and struggling with my complicated feelings about him. How do I handle this situation?

🇨🇦

Thank you for reaching out to us. This situatoin sounds extremely challenging and I can hear how torn you are between your attachment to this person and your understanding that reporting him could protect others. These conflicting emotions are completely normal when dealing with someone who has built a connection with you while also causing harm.

](/en/answer/im-struggling-to-find-the-courage-to-report-someone-who-has-been-grooming-me-even-though-he-has-sexually-abused-me-and-others-i-still-maintain-contact-with-him-because-i-feel-attached-hes-been-nice-to)

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[

#### I recently remembered my perpetrator, who I had just started dating, sort of apologizing after he raped me. He cursed himself, calling himself a "bastard," but didn't fully admit what he'd done. He then told me I was "amazing and special." Was he feeling shame or manipulating me? Do perpetrators often use manipulation to avoid consequences? Also, when I've tried to speak out about my experience, I've gotten very negative reactions. I thought I was helping other women, but now I feel more guilt and shame for talking about it. Is this normal?

🇮🇪

Thank you for sharing this deeply personal experience. What you've been through is incredibly difficult, and it's understandable that you're grappling with distressing emotions and memories. Regarding your perpetrator's behavior, the situation you're describing is complex and confusing. His self-deprecation, vague apology, and compliments could be due to a mix of shame and manipulation. Some perpetrators might feel momentary remorse, while also trying to avoid consequences. The "apology" without fully admitting wrongdoing, followed by co...

](/en/answer/i-recently-remembered-my-perpetrator-who-i-had-just-started-dating-sort-of-apologizing-after-he-raped-me-he-cursed-himself-calling-himself-a-bastard-but-didnt-fully-admit-what-hed-done-he-then-told-me-i-was-amazing-and-special-was-he-feeling-shame-or-manipulating-me-do-perpetrators-often-use-manipulation-to-avoid-consequences-also-when-ive-tried-to-speak-out-about-my-experience-ive-gotten-very-negative-reactions-i-thought-i-was-helping-other-women-but-now-i-feel-more-guilt-and-shame-for-talking-about-it-is-this-normal-181 "Thank you for sharing this deeply personal experience. What you've been through is incredibly difficult, and it's understandable that you're grappling with distressing emotions and memories. 
Regarding your perpetrator's behavior, the situation you're describing is complex and confusing. His self-deprecation, vague apology, and compliments could be due to a mix of shame and manipulation. Some perpetrators might feel momentary remorse, while also trying to avoid consequences. The \"apology\" without fully admitting wrongdoing, followed by co...")

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[

#### When I was 7 or 8, my older brother (10 or 11) with learning disabilities engaged in inappropriate sexual behavior towards me, including dry humping and other actions. I didn't resist or consent, just accepted it as I thought that's how things were. I told my mom when I was 13, but she doesn't seem to take it as seriously as I do, possibly because she experienced worse things in her childhood. The experience has affected my relationships, and I feel anxious and afraid. My brother and I still live in the same house, and he continues to struggle with viewing porn and looking at me in a sexual way. I want to seek therapy, but my mom doesn't think it's serious enough, and I'm afraid to tell my dad. Is this valid trauma, and how should I proceed?

🇺🇸

Thank you for sharing this difficult experience. What happened to you was not your fault, and your feelings are entirely valid. The behavior you described from your brother could indeed be a sexually traumatic experience. It is perfectly acceptable to label this as trauma if it is having an ongoing impact on your wellbeing.

](/en/answer/when-i-was-7-or-8-my-older-brother-10-or-11-with-learning-disabilities-engaged-in-inappropriate-sexual-behavior-towards-me-including-dry-humping-and-other-actions-i-didnt-resist-or-consent-just-accepted-it-as-i-thought-thats-how-things-were-i-told-my-mom-when-i-was-13-but-she-doesnt-seem-to-take-it-as-seriously-as-i-do-possibly-because-she-experienced-worse-things-in-her-childhood-the-experience-has-affected-my-relationships-and-i-feel-anxious-and-afraid-my-brother-and-i-still-live-in-the-same-house-and-he-continues-to-struggle-with-viewing-porn-and-looking-at-me-in-a-sexual-way-i-want-to-seek-therapy-but-my-mom-doesnt-think-its-serious-enough-and-im-afraid-to-tell-my-dad-is-this-valid-trauma-and-how-should-i-proceed-204)

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[

#### Now that I'm an adult, I understand what grooming is. Some of the people who abused me, I thought were my family, and later found out we weren't even related. What I thought was spending time with my grandmother was really her grooming me for my grandfather. How do I stop referring to them as grandma and grandpa? I know we weren't related from a very young age, but they were all I knew. I've tried to refer to them by their first names, but it just doesn't feel right. But I also don't like what happens to my chest when I say grandma and grandpa either.

🇺🇸

Thank you for trusting us with this. What you're describing is such a profound betrayal on multiple levels. It sounds like these people manipulated not only your body and your boundaries, but also your understanding of who they were to you and what family meant. The grief and confusion you're experiencing around what to call them makes complete sense because language is tied to identity, memory, and meaning. It sounds like you're not just changing names. You're reworking your entire understanding of those relationships, and it's understandable...

](/en/answer/now-that-im-an-adult-i-understand-what-grooming-is-some-of-the-people-who-abused-me-i-thought-were-my-family-and-later-found-out-we-werent-even-related-what-i-thought-was-spending-time-with-my-grandmo)

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[

#### Why can sharing your trauma story be therapeutic?

🇺🇸

Sharing your story is an important part of the healing journey after trauma. Assessing whether or not you are ready to share your story, however, is a deeply personal and can be influenced by a variety of factors. Before you start, consider why you want to share your story. This can help you make decisions about how you share your story and who you share it with. Be clear about your intentions and what you hope to achieve by sharing your story. This will increase the likelihood that the act of sharing will be a therapeutic experience for you....

](/en/answer/why-can-sharing-your-trauma-story-be-therapeutic-79)

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[

#### I don’t talk about my assault to my therapist because I’m scared to relive it, how do I move on?

🇺🇸

Talking about your trauma can be challenging, especially when recalling it triggers painful memories. Despite this, many people say disclosing their trauma to a trained professional can be helpful. It can be difficult to balance keeping yourself safe while allowing space for healing, however, so here are some tips.

](/en/answer/i-dont-talk-about-my-assault-to-my-therapist-im-scared-to-relive-it-how-do-i-move-on-15)

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[

#### What do I do if some of the men trafficking me are in positions of power as in local and state police or county officials?

🇺🇸

Thank you for reaching out to us and trusting us with this information. This is an incredibly dangerous and frightening situation, especially when those who should protect you are involved in exploitation. Your safety is the top priority. Even when local law enforcement is involved, there are still ways to get help, although it makes sense to be cautious. Federal agencies and national organizations operate independently from local/state authorities and have specific protocols for handling cases involving corrupt officials.

](/en/answer/what-do-i-do-if-some-of-the-men-trafficking-me-are-in-positions-of-power-as-in-local-and-state-police-or-county-officials-450)

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[

#### As a survivor of sexual assault who has worked through healing, am I obligated to share my experience with others - whether they're friends, family, or romantic partners? I'm wondering about the boundaries around disclosure and what I do or don't owe to others in terms of sharing my story.

🇺🇸

Thank you for reaching out to us with this important question. The simple and direct answer is no - you never have to share your story of sexual assault with anyone. Healing from sexual trauma is a deeply personal journey, and you have complete autonomy over your story and how you choose to carry it forward in your life.

](/en/answer/as-a-survivor-of-sexual-assault-who-has-worked-through-healing-am-i-obligated-to-share-my-experience-with-others-whether-theyre-friends-family-or-romantic-partners-im-wondering-about-the-boundaries-ar)

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[

#### I recently unlocked a memory from when I was young (around 5 years old) that's bothering me. My best friend and I, who was the same age, were playing with dolls in her bedroom. At one point, we inserted the heads of the dolls into our private areas. I remember feeling uncomfortable. I'm not sure if this would be considered child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA) or if I'm overreacting. I feel ashamed about this memory and hesitant to bring it up with my therapist. Was this COCSA, or am I misinterpreting what happened?

🇫🇷

Thank you for sharing this memory and your concerns. It can be challenging to reflect on childhood experiences that leave us confused or uncomfortable and we appreciate your trust in us. What you're describing sounds like a form of childhood sexual exploration, which is actually quite common. Children around ages 3-6 often engage in exploratory play as they begin to develop curiosity about bodies and sensations. This type of exploration between children of similar ages who are discovering their bodies without an understanding of sexual meaning...

](/en/answer/i-recently-unlocked-a-memory-from-when-i-was-young-around-5-years-old-thats-bothering-me-my-best-friend-and-i-who-was-the-same-age-were-playing-with-dolls-in-her-bedroom-at-one-point-we-inserted-the-h)

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[

#### I've been through a lot of trauma and am thinking about starting a blog to share my experiences and survival. Do you have any advice for someone wanting to start writing publicly about trauma and abuse? Also, how did Our Wave come to be?

🇺🇸

Thank you for reaching out to us! It sounds like you have a wealth of experiences and insights to share, and a desire to help others by opening up about them. Many people healing from trauma find it both empowering and comforting to write publicly, and readers often feel less alone when they see their own experiences reflected in someone else's words. Your unique story, and the resilience you've built, can truly touch others who are seeking hope, community, and practical understanding.

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#### I told a close friend and my cousin about what happened to me, and it felt good for a few days. But now I can't stop replaying the memory over and over, which I hadn't been doing for months. I don't understand why this is happening again when I thought I was getting better. Why does it feel like things are getting worse?

🇺🇸

Thank you for reaching out to us. What you're experiencing is actually a really common part of the healing process, even though I know it doesn't feel that way right now. When you shared your story with your friend and cousin, you did something incredibly brave. Opening up about what happened can initially bring relief because you're no longer carrying it alone, and that validation and support can feel powerful. But sharing your story can also stir up memories and feelings that had been sitting beneath the surface. It's like you opened a door...

](/en/answer/i-told-a-close-friend-and-my-cousin-about-what-happened-to-me-and-it-felt-good-for-a-few-days-but-now-i-cant-stop-replaying-the-memory-over-and-over-which-i-hadnt-been-doing-for-months-i-dont-understa)

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#### I went through a sexual assault a few months ago and I'm having a really hard time dealing with it on my own. I want to tell my friends what happened because I think that it would make it feel less shameful. I'm worried that if I tell them, they will stress over it all the time or that it will ruin their day or week, and I can't get past that fear. How do you go about telling a friend something like this without having them worry too much about you and your situation?

🇨🇦

I am so sorry you went through that. It's completely natural to want to share your experience with friends, especially when dealing with the aftermath of sexual assault on your own. Sharing your experience with friends can be an important step in your healing journey. Many survivors find that talking to someone they trust helps alleviate some of the burden and makes things feel less overwhelming.

](/en/answer/i-went-through-a-sexual-assault-a-few-months-ago-and-im-having-a-really-hard-time-dealing-with-it-on-my-own-i-want-to-tell-my-friends-what-happened-because-i-think-that-it-would-make-it-feel-less-sham)

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#### My grandmother's partner groomed me from a young age sexually assaulted me while I was drunk as an adult. My husband witnessed and stopped the assault. This has caused significant trauma and issues in our marriage. Now my husband is giving me an ultimatum: I must tell my grandmother about the assault and limit contact with her, or he will leave me. My grandmother is terminally ill with cancer. Is it fair for my husband to demand this of me? I'm not ready to tell my family, and I don't want to lose my grandmother before I have to. I'm also afraid that if I choose to leave instead, he'll tell my family anyway. What should I do?

🇺🇸

Wow. This is a really tough situation. Thank you for sharing it with us. To start, while your husband's concern for your well-being is understandable, issuing ultimatums in such sensitive matters is rarely productive and can add unnecessary pressure to an already traumatic situation. Putting you in that position is extremely unfair. Your healing process should proceed at your own pace, and forcing disclosure before you're ready could potentially be harmful to your mental health and family relationships.

](/en/answer/my-grandmothers-partner-groomed-me-from-a-young-age-sexually-assaulted-me-while-i-was-drunk-as-an-adult-my-husband-witnessed-and-stopped-the-assault-this-has-caused-significant-trauma-and-issues-in-our-marriage-now-my-husband-is-giving-me-an-ultimatum-i-must-tell-my-grandmother-about-the-assault-and-limit-contact-with-her-or-he-will-leave-me-my-grandmother-is-terminally-ill-with-cancer-is-it-fair-for-my-husband-to-demand-this-of-me-im-not-ready-to-tell-my-family-and-i-dont-want-to-lose-my-grandmother-before-i-have-to-im-also-afraid-that-if-i-choose-to-leave-instead-hell-tell-my-family-anyway-what-should-i-do-178)

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[

#### My memories of what happened are somewhat out of order. When I was around 11-12 years old, an incident occurred with a girl who was a year younger than me. I reluctantly agreed at first to kissing her in a bathtub, but then it escalated beyond kissing and moved to the couch. At that point, I made it clear I was uncomfortable, but she didn't listen. Her mother never touched me sexually but was also very inappropriate towards me. What would this experience be categorized as? I feel dramatic calling it COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse) or sexual abuse, but I'm not sure how to understand what happened.

🇺🇸

Thank you for sharing your story with us. The fragmented nature of your memories is completely normal - our brains often process difficult experiences this way, particularly those that occurred during childhood when our minds were still developing. What you've described involves a complex situation where your boundaries were clearly violated. When you expressed discomfort and the other child didn't listen, that indicates a significant disregard for your consent. Child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA) refers to sexual activities between children t...

](/en/answer/my-memories-of-what-happened-are-somewhat-out-of-order-when-i-was-around-11-12-years-old-an-incident-occurred-with-a-girl-who-was-a-year-younger-than-me-i-reluctantly-agreed-at-first-to-kissing-her-in)

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#### I've experienced abuse from multiple people throughout my life. When I've tried to share my story before, others have asked me to stop because they found it too difficult to hear. I want to share my experiences in a way that might help other survivors/ victims, but I'm unsure if this is an appropriate space. Is it okay to share a longer, complex story about survival here?

🇬🇧

Thank you for trusting us enough to consider sharing your story. It must have been difficult to have others ask you to stop sharing in the past - that experience alone can feel like another layer of silencing on top of what you've already endured. Living through multiple experiences of abuse is already overwhelming; being unable to fully share your truth adds another burden you shouldn't have to carry.

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#### I'm struggling to understand an experience I had when I was 17. A guy the same age as me was driving, while his friend gave me alcohol in the backseat. I became extremely incapacitated, slurring my speech. My best friend was in the passenger seat. The driver, who hadn't been drinking, moved to the backseat and performed oral sex on me and digitally penetrated me. I never consented when he asked, and I felt only pain, not pleasure. I was barely conscious due to the alcohol. Immediately after, I self-harmed for the first time in a long while. When I got home, I showered right away because I felt disgusting. I didn't think much about it until the girl who was there told me she thought it was sexual assault. Following this event, my mental health deteriorated significantly. I became suicidal and self-harmed frequently. I'm confused about how to feel because my old friend said it was both his and my fault, while my mom said the opposite. We were only acquaintances before this happened. Given that we were both minors and I was incapacitated, was this sexual assault? How should I understand and process this experience?

🇺🇸

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. Wow...that sounds like a terrible situation. I am deeply sorry you experienced this traumatic event. While only you can ultimately decide how to label your experience, what you've described does align with the definition of sexual assault. Let me explain...

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[

#### Why did everyone believe him (the person who harmed me) and not me, even my best friend who had just met him?

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Thank you for asking this question to us. I'm so sorry this happened to you. Being disbelieved is one of the most painful experiences a survivor can face, and when it comes from people you trusted (especially your best friend) that betrayal cuts incredibly deep. What you're describing is unfortunately common, and I want you to know that the fact people believed him says nothing about the truth of what happened to you. It says everything about how our society has been conditioned to respond to disclosures of sexual violence.

](/en/answer/why-did-everyone-believe-him-the-person-who-harmed-me-and-not-me-even-my-best-friend-who-had-just-met-him-838)

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#### How do I disclose my trauma to my friends and family?

🇺🇸

It can feel really daunting to talk about your trauma history with those close to you. The first thing to remember is that your story is yours and yours alone. Whether you want to tell important people in your life immediately, much later, or not at all is your choice. If you’re feeling ready to tell someone about what happened, here are some things to think about.

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#### How do you disclose to a family member that something traumatic happened to you without feeling judged?

🇦🇷

Thank you for asking this. Disclosing a personal and possibly painful experience to a family member can be a daunting task, especially when there's fear of being judged. It's important to approach this conversation in a way that feels safe and comfortable for you. First, consider choosing a time and place where you won't be interrupted and where you feel at ease. A private, quiet setting can help reduce anxiety and create a space where both of you can focus on the conversation. It might be helpful to plan what you want to say in advance. Writi...

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#### Do you have any tips for talking to friends about my past sexual assault and my boundaries as a result of it? How do I approach that when they’re also triggered by sexual assault? I feel like if I just got it off my chest I’d finally feel better, but I don’t know how to do that without ruining our friendship. Thank you so much. The work that y’all do is so valuable and you’ve helped me work through stuff a lot in the past.

🇺🇸

Thank you so much for reaching out and for your kind words. I'm glad to hear that our support has been helpful to you in the past. It means a lot to hear your positive feedback. This work is extremely important to us. It's completely understandable that you want to share your experience with your friends and establish and explain your boundaries as a result of it. Opening up about such personal matters can be a significant step toward healing, but it can also feel daunting, especially when you're concerned about triggering others who may have...

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#### How can I explain to my Mom that I mentally blocked out my sexual assault for two years?

🇺🇸

It can feel really daunting to share your trauma history with a parent, particularly when you blocked it out of your mind for a significant period of time. First, know that it is not uncommon for the brain to react this way after you experience a traumatic event. It is it's way of protecting you from overwhelming distress. You may worry, however, that your parent will judge you or not believe you as a result. You may also feel some relief or hope that they will understand or support you if you tell them what you experienced. Whatever you are f...

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#### How do I confront my older cousin who caused me harm years ago? She's never taken responsibility for what happened, and I can see the lasting impact it's had on me. We both live in the same city now. How should I approach contacting her about this?

🇺🇸

Deciding whether and how to confront someone who harmed you is an incredibly personal choice that deserves careful consideration. There's no single "right" way to handle this situation, and whatever you decide should prioritize your safety, healing, and wellbeing above all else.

](/en/answer/how-do-i-confront-my-older-cousin-who-caused-me-harm-years-ago-shes-never-taken-responsibility-for-what-happened-and-i-can-see-the-lasting-impact-its-had-on-me-we-both-live-in-the-same-city-now-how-sh "Deciding whether and how to confront someone who harmed you is an incredibly personal choice that deserves careful consideration. There's no single \"right\" way to handle this situation, and whatever you decide should prioritize your safety, healing, and wellbeing above all else.")

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#### I came out as bisexual to my family recently, and I am afraid that they won't believe me and won't let me date girls. Is this normal? I have a very understanding and supportive family, and I talk about everything with my mom, but it feels like I can't talk about this to her.

🇺🇸

I'm sorry you're feeling anxious about talking to your family after coming out as bisexual. It's understandable to have concerns, even with a supportive family. What you're experiencing is fairly common. Despite having a good relationship with understanding parents, it can still feel daunting to open up about your sexual orientation to the ones you love. There may be fears about being judged, criticized, or having your identity invalidated.

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[

#### How can I tell my sister about what happened with our other sister when I was 6-7 and she was 11-12? She would make me touch her and kiss her when we were alone, and when I didn't want to, she would say "it's okay." I want to tell my other sister but don't know how to approach this conversation.

🇺🇸

Thank you so much for trusting us with this. What you experienced was not okay, and I want you to know that none of it was your fault. The fact that you said no and were overridden shows that your boundaries were violated, and your feelings about this experience are completely valid.

](/en/answer/how-can-i-tell-my-sister-about-what-happened-with-our-other-sister-when-i-was-6-7-and-she-was-11-12-she-would-make-me-touch-her-and-kiss-her-when-we-were-alone-and-when-i-didnt-want-to-she-would-say-i "How can I tell my sister about what happened with our other sister when I was 6-7 and she was 11-12? She would make me touch her and kiss her when we were alone, and when I didn't want to, she would say \"it's okay.\" I want to tell my other sister but don't know how to approach this conversation.")

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#### For a long time, I was afraid to have kids. I used to think, "What if I am like them?" I don't want to harm anyone—that was a battle into my late 20s. My kids are now 14 and 17, and I'm so proud of them just being able to be kids. How do you tell your children your story? And how do you stop the verbal abuse from replaying in your mind at times when you weren't even thinking about it? Something on TV triggers a memory, and now you're just stuck. It's triggers everywhere, and every day I'm apologizing to my younger self because she didn't deserve any of that.

🇺🇸

Thank you for reaching out to us with this. First, I want to acknowledge the incredible strength it takes to break cycles and create a different experience for your children. Your pride in simply allowing your kids to experience their own uncomplicated childhoods is a testament to how deeply you value their safety and happiness, and that love will guide any conversations you choose to have with them.

](/en/answer/for-a-long-time-i-was-afraid-to-have-kids-i-used-to-think-what-if-i-am-like-them-i-dont-want-to-harm-anyonethat-was-a-battle-into-my-late-20s-my-kids-are-now-14-and-17-and-im-so-proud-of-them-just-bei "For a long time, I was afraid to have kids. I used to think, \"What if I am like them?\" I don't want to harm anyone—that was a battle into my late 20s. My kids are now 14 and 17, and I'm so proud of them just being able to be kids. How do you tell your children your story? And how do you stop the verbal abuse from replaying in your mind at times when you weren't even thinking about it? Something on TV triggers a memory, and now you're just stuck. It's triggers everywhere, and every day I'm apologizing to my younger self because she didn't deserve any of that.")

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#### I have a severe fear of the dark that stems from childhood experiences where I was locked in rooms as punishment. I struggle with how to communicate this fear to others in situations where it matters. I want them to understand it's serious without having to share my full trauma history or make things awkward. How can I explain my need to avoid dark spaces without trauma dumping?

🇺🇸

Thank you so much for asking this important question. It sounds like you've been living with a deeply rooted fear that goes beyond a simple dislike of darkness, and it's completely understandable that you'd want others around you to appreciate the seriousness without having to share all the upsetting details. Many trauma survivors face this exact challenge-- needing others to understand the seriousness of certain triggers without feeling obligated to share painful details or justify their experiences.

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#### I have a deep desire to be more open about my childhood sexual trauma and join local survivor support and activist groups. However, I often hesitate because my experience involved child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA). Since the person who sexually abused me was also very young, I struggle with feeling like my voice might matter less in these spaces, or that my experience might not be seen as "real" abuse. I believe strongly that discussing COCSA is crucial – it shows how abuse can create ripple effects through entire communities. But I worry that others, especially in survivor spaces, might privately judge my experiences as less serious or valid, even if they don't say it directly. I want to help raise awareness about childhood sexual abuse, particularly COCSA, since it's rarely discussed in academic or public conversations. How can I move past these fears and step into advocacy work while honoring the complexity of my experience?

🇬🇧

Thank you so much for asking us this question. We get a lot of questions from COCSA survivors and I think this highlights the importance of having more people with lived experience with COCSA in advocacy spaces. The fact that you're considering using your experience to create positive change, despite your fears, speaks volumes about your strength and dedication to breaking the silence around this important issue.

](/en/answer/i-have-a-deep-desire-to-be-more-open-about-my-childhood-sexual-trauma-and-join-local-survivor-support-and-activist-groups-however-i-often-hesitate-because-my-experience-involved-child-on-child-sexual "I have a deep desire to be more open about my childhood sexual trauma and join local survivor support and activist groups. However, I often hesitate because my experience involved child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA). Since the person who sexually abused me was also very young, I struggle with feeling like my voice might matter less in these spaces, or that my experience might not be seen as \"real\" abuse.
I believe strongly that discussing COCSA is crucial – it shows how abuse can create ripple effects through entire communities. But I worry that others, especially in survivor spaces, might privately judge my experiences as less serious or valid, even if they don't say it directly.
I want to help raise awareness about childhood sexual abuse, particularly COCSA, since it's rarely discussed in academic or public conversations. How can I move past these fears and step into advocacy work while honoring the complexity of my experience?")

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## More topics

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Making sense of childhood experiences

](/en/learn/topics/making-sense-of-childhood-experiences)[

Understanding specific types of trauma and harm

](/en/learn/topics/understanding-specific-types-of-trauma-and-harm)[

Making sense of adult experiences

](/en/learn/topics/making-sense-of-adult-experiences)[

Managing emotions and how you feel in your body

](/en/learn/topics/managing-emotions-and-how-you-feel-in-your-body)[

Seeking help after trauma

](/en/learn/topics/seeking-help-after-trauma)[

Sex, sexuality, and intimacy after trauma

](/en/learn/topics/sex-sexuality-and-intimacy-after-trauma)

[See all topics](/en/learn/topics)

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Grounding activity

Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud:

5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window)

4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?)

3 – things you can hear

2 – things you can smell

1 – thing you like about yourself.

Take a deep breath to end.

From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at.

Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one).

Take a deep breath to end.

Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud:

1\. Where am I?

2\. What day of the week is today?

3\. What is today’s date?

4\. What is the current month?

5\. What is the current year?

6\. How old am I?

7\. What season is it?

Take a deep breath to end.

Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder.

Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud.

Take a deep breath to end.

Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment.

Take a deep breath to end.

Try another grounding activity

I feel grounded and ready