---
title: Sex, sexuality, and intimacy after trauma: Expert Answers ~ Our Wave
description: Sex, sexuality, and intimacy after trauma: 35 survivor questions answered by trauma-informed experts in the Our Wave community.
url: https://community.ourwave.org/en/learn/topics/sex-sexuality-and-intimacy-after-trauma.md
---

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# Sex, sexuality, and intimacy after trauma

Ask a question

Questions about desire, consent, intimacy and feeling safe during sex after sexual harm.

35 questions from survivors on this topic, each answered by a trauma-informed expert.

[

#### I'm confused about some of my brother's behavior during childhood and adolescence and whether it could explain my current intimacy issues. I'm 30F and have struggled with intimacy throughout my life. While I enjoy kissing and cuddling, I completely freeze up as soon as it goes further and just want it to be over. When I was 7 and my brother was 10, he showed me how to pleasure himself and made me do it. A few years later when he was 14-15, he would occasionally come into my room at night after drinking and watch me while I pretended to sleep. Sometimes he touched me between my legs, and I would move as if I was rolling over in my sleep, causing him to leave. This continued for a few months until he stopped. We now have a close relationship. Could these experiences be causing my difficulty with intimacy? I can't find another explanation, and it's becoming a real hurdle for me.

🇳🇿

Thank you for sharing your story and trusting us with your feelings. The experiences you've described with your brother during childhood were inappropriate boundary crossings that could certainly influence how you experience intimacy today. Children deserve to have their bodies respected and to develop an understanding of physical boundaries in their own time and in age-appropriate ways.

](/en/answer/im-confused-about-some-of-my-brothers-behavior-during-childhood-and-adolescence-and-whether-it-could-explain-my-current-intimacy-issues-im-30f-and-have-struggled-with-intimacy-throughout-my-life-while)

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[

#### Why can people who experience sexual harm experience hypersexuality after these experiences?

🇰🇼

After experiencing sexual harm, some individuals may find themselves experiencing hypersexuality, a heightened interest or engagement in sexual activities. This response can be multifaceted, often stemming from complex psychological and emotional reactions to the trauma endured. In some cases, hypersexuality may serve as a coping mechanism, offering a temporary sense of control or empowerment in the aftermath of a traumatic experience. It's crucial to recognize that this reaction is not uncommon and does not invalidate the survivor's traumatic...

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[

#### Why did I become hypersexual around males after being sexually assaulted? Could this be connected to the assaults or to growing up with an abusive father? Or is this just who I am?

🇺🇸

Thank you for trusting us with this. I want to start by addressing your last question first...no, this is not "just who you are." The fact that you're asking this question at all tells me that this behavior feels foreign to you, like something that doesn't quite align with who you know yourself to be underneath it all. That instinct is worth trusting.

](/en/answer/why-did-i-become-hypersexual-around-males-after-being-sexually-assaulted-could-this-be-connected-to-the-assaults-or-to-growing-up-with-an-abusive-father-or-is-this-just-who-i-am-857 "Thank you for trusting us with this. I want to start by addressing your last question first...no, this is not \"just who you are.\" The fact that you're asking this question at all tells me that this behavior feels foreign to you, like something that doesn't quite align with who you know yourself to be underneath it all. That instinct is worth trusting.")

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[‘me too’ Community](https://stories.metoomvmt.org)

[

#### Am I valid in identifying as asexual after experiencing sexual assault? I had some of these feelings before the relationship, but they've become much stronger since.

🇺🇸

Thank you for reaching out to us. I want to affirm that your feelings and identity are absolutely valid, and you get to define your own sexual orientation. There's no "right" or "wrong" way to experience your sexuality after trauma, and whatever you're feeling deserves respect and acknowledgment.

](/en/answer/am-i-valid-in-identifying-as-asexual-after-experiencing-sexual-assault-i-had-some-of-these-feelings-before-the-relationship-but-theyve-become-much-stronger-since-805 "Thank you for reaching out to us. I want to affirm that your feelings and identity are absolutely valid, and you get to define your own sexual orientation. There's no \"right\" or \"wrong\" way to experience your sexuality after trauma, and whatever you're feeling deserves respect and acknowledgment.")

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[

#### Will I as a sexual assault survivor be able to have a "normal" romantic/sexual relationship someday? I have never had that kind of relationship before. I think I'm afraid of that kind of intimacy and physical touch because my first experience of sexual touch was someone approaching and grabbing me. I hate that there are people who think they can misuse other people's bodies.

🇺🇸

Thank you for trusting us with this question. Sexual assault is a deeply traumatic experience that can have lasting impacts on survivors, particularly in intimate relationships. The fear and anxiety you're experiencing around intimacy and physical touch are natural responses to trauma. It's important to recognize that these feelings don't reflect any shortcoming on your part, but rather are a normal reaction to an abnormal and violating experience.

](/en/answer/will-i-as-a-sexual-assault-survivor-be-able-to-have-a-normal-romantic-sexual-relationship-someday-i-have-never-had-that-kind-of-relationship-before-i-think-im-afraid-of-that-kind-of-intimacy-and-physical-touch-because-my-first-experience-of-sexual-touch-was-someone-approaching-and-grabbing-me-i-hate-that-there-are-people-who-think-they-can-misuse-other-peoples-bodies-271)

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[

#### Why do I get aroused when I talk about my sexual abuse?

🇺🇸

Thank you for this question. Experiencing arousal when discussing sexual abuse can be a confusing and distressing response, but it's important to understand that it's not an uncommon reaction for many survivors. This physical response doesn't imply consent or enjoyment, rather, it may be a result of the body's physiological reactions to stress and trauma.

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#### What is the difference between curiosity driven by developing hormones versus intent to achieve sexual gratification in early adolescence?

🇺🇸

Sexual curiosity during the preteen years often comes from a natural sense of wonder about changing bodies and emotions. At twelve or thirteen, many children are just beginning to notice new physical and emotional sensations tied to maturing hormones. This curiosity usually involves questions about anatomy, private thoughts about attraction, or an urge to understand how bodies work. Children at this age might share jokes, ask each other questions, or become interested in harmless forms of exploration because they’re trying to make sense...

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[

#### Can digital (finger) penetration be considered oral? Or is that not accurate terminology?

🇫🇷

Thank you for reaching out with this question. It's completely understandable to feel uncertain about these terms, as they can sometimes be confusing. Digital penetration specifically refers to the use of fingers ("digits") to penetrate a body opening such as the vagina or anus. This is considered a form of sexual activity involving penetration, but it is not classified as oral sex. Oral sex specifically involves the use of the mouth to stimulate the genitals or intimate areas of another person. If someone uses their fingers to penetrate anoth...

](/en/answer/can-digital-finger-penetration-be-considered-oral-or-is-that-not-accurate-terminology-594 "Thank you for reaching out with this question. It's completely understandable to feel uncertain about these terms, as they can sometimes be confusing.
Digital penetration specifically refers to the use of fingers (\"digits\") to penetrate a body opening such as the vagina or anus. This is considered a form of sexual activity involving penetration, but it is not classified as oral sex. Oral sex specifically involves the use of the mouth to stimulate the genitals or intimate areas of another person. If someone uses their fingers to penetrate anoth...")

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[

#### Since my attack, I’ve had sex. However, I can’t seem to feel…connected. It’s like I’m just going through the motions. I’m afraid to open up emotionally to anyone, and I’m not sure how to get past that.

🇺🇸

Trauma and violence can affect the way you experience sexual intimacy in a multitude of ways. While it may feel different or overwhelming to be with someone sexually in the beginning, it is possible to enjoy sexual intimacy again one day. After experiencing sexual violence, many survivors find that sexual situations make them feel afraid or anxious even when they’re with someone they trust. Some survivors experience distressing flashbacks or memories during sex, which can make it hard to relax and feel safe. Other common exper...

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[

#### I can only finish with clitoral stimulation, but because of trauma, when a partner is the one doing it, it often becomes painful. Things will be going well, it feels good at first, and then something shifts and nothing feels right and I get completely in my head. I keep having emotional reactions afterward. I'm terrified this is just how I'm wired now and will never get better. My partner tells me not to beat myself up, but I don't know how to do that, and it's starting to feel all-consuming.

🇺🇸

Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not broken and this is not just how you are wired. I know that probably feels impossible to believe when it keeps happening, but it is true. Trauma does not live only in your memories or your thoughts. It takes up residence in your body, specifically in your nervous system, which is constantly scanning the world and deciding whether you are safe. The nervous system is not logical. It does not care that you want this, or that things are going well, or that nothing is actually wrong in the room. When...

](/en/answer/im-someone-who-can-only-finish-with-clitoral-stimulation-but-due-to-trauma-that-stimulation-when-administered-by-a-partner-is-often-painful-things-will-be-going-good-and-then-itll-get-to-my-clit-and-f)

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[

#### I was sexually groomed and abused for years as a child. Now, as an adult, I frequently have sexual fantasies about being raped, even though I know I wouldn't actually want it to happen. I've been married for 21 years to a loving, understanding husband who knows about my past trauma. However, I only find sex with him truly exciting when it feels 'wrong' or forbidden. I'm rarely turned on by my husband's loving and trauma-aware approach, though I've never told him about my fantasies. I feel like something is broken in my mind and I want to understand and fix it. Can you explain why I'm struggling with this?

🇺🇸

First and foremost, I want to assure you that you are not broken. Your experiences and feelings, while distressing to you, are actually quite common among survivors of childhood sexual abuse and grooming. What you're describing is a complex response to trauma that many survivors grapple with.

](/en/answer/i-was-sexually-groomed-and-abused-for-years-as-a-child-now-as-an-adult-i-frequently-have-sexual-fantasies-about-being-raped-even-though-i-know-i-wouldnt-actually-want-it-to-happen-ive-been-married-for-21-years-to-a-loving-understanding-husband-who-knows-about-my-past-trauma-however-i-only-find-sex-with-him-truly-exciting-when-it-feels-wrong-or-forbidden-im-rarely-turned-on-by-my-husbands-loving-and-trauma-aware-approach-though-ive-never-told-him-about-my-fantasies-i-feel-like-something-is-broken-in-my-mind-and-i-want-to-understand-and-fix-it-can-you-explain-why-im-struggling-with-this-173)

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[

#### When I was a teenager, I was sexually abused in a relationship, and afterward I became hypersexual. Now, years later, I struggle to enjoy sex or stay present, even with a long-term partner who respects my boundaries and makes me feel safe and comfortable. Is it normal for trauma responses to change like this over time? How can I learn to enjoy sex again without past feelings taking over?

🇨🇦

Thank you so much for reaching out and trusting us with something so personal. Wanting to feel present and connected with someone you love is such an understandable hope, and the changes you are noticing make a lot of sense given what you went through. Many survivors find their responses to sex shifting across the years in exactly this way, and you are not alone in it.

](/en/answer/after-experiencing-sexual-abuse-in-a-relationship-as-a-teenager-i-became-hypersexual-years-later-i-now-struggle-to-enjoy-sex-or-stay-present-even-with-a-long-term-partner-who-respects-my-boundaries-an-968)

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#### When I was a child my neighbor (also a child) showed me sexual things. I only know it happened because I have flash memories of it and her asking if it felt good. I don’t remember ever saying no, or stop, or I don’t like it. After we moved, I was really hypersexual and would masturbate a lot. I would cry and feel terrible about myself because I thought it was wrong. Would this be considered child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA) or am I just being dramatic??

🇺🇸

Thank you so much for this question. I want to start by saying that you are not being dramatic. Sexual activities between children can be extremely confusing to process. We have actually received many similar questions to this in the past, so we created a blog post to share what we know about this type of abuse. Take a look at that here: Child-on-child Sexual Abuse (COCSA): Frequently Asked Questions and Considerations ~ Making Waves (ourwave.org)

](/en/answer/when-i-was-child-my-neighbor-showed-me-sexual-things-would-this-be-considered-child-on-child-sexual-abuse-cocsa-or-am-i-just-being-dramatic-101)

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#### I was assaulted (a stranger was walking around me acting all weird and he grabbed my bottom). Part of my reaction is "I never want anyone to touch me there again," but another part is "What would it feel like if someone touched me there and I wanted them to touch me?" I think someday I want to experience intimate touch with someone I love and trust. Is this feeling my brain trying to help me reclaim my body? How do I reconcile these feelings?

🇺🇸

Thank you for sharing these complex feelings. Your experiences and emotions are valid, and it's common for assault survivors to have conflicting thoughts about touch and intimacy. The feelings you're describing indeed sound like a part of your mind's process of trying to heal and reclaim your sense of bodily autonomy. Your reaction "I never want anyone to touch me there again" is a protective response. Your brain is trying to keep you safe from further harm, which is a normal reaction to trauma. At the same time, the thought "What would it fee...

](/en/answer/i-was-assaulted-a-stranger-was-walking-around-me-acting-all-weird-and-he-grabbed-my-bottom-part-of-my-reaction-is-i-never-want-anyone-to-touch-me-there-again-but-another-part-is-what-would-it-feel-like-if-someone-touched-me-there-and-i-wanted-them-to-touch-me-i-think-someday-i-want-to-experience-intimate-touch-with-someone-i-love-and-trust-is-this-feeling-my-brain-trying-to-help-me-reclaim-my-body-how-do-i-reconcile-these-feelings-272 "Thank you for sharing these complex feelings. Your experiences and emotions are valid, and it's common for assault survivors to have conflicting thoughts about touch and intimacy.
The feelings you're describing indeed sound like a part of your mind's process of trying to heal and reclaim your sense of bodily autonomy. Your reaction \"I never want anyone to touch me there again\" is a protective response. Your brain is trying to keep you safe from further harm, which is a normal reaction to trauma. At the same time, the thought \"What would it fee...")

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[

#### Will I be able to feel aroused again after childhood sexual assault? I am 30-year-old female and have found it extremely difficult to enjoy sex or masturbation for years now, let alone orgasm. What’s going on?

🇵🇷

Thank you for sharing this sensitive and important question. What you're experiencing is a common and understandable reaction to childhood sexual assault. Many survivors struggle with sexual difficulties, including low arousal, trouble enjoying sexual activities, and difficulty reaching orgasm. These issues often stem from the trauma's impact on your mind and body's associations with sex and intimacy.

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[

#### Why so some people become hypersexual or asexual after sexual assault?

🇲🇼

Both hypersexuality and asexuality after sexual assault are incredibly common responses, and neither one means something is wrong with you. They are two very different but equally valid ways that the mind and body can respond to trauma and it's even possible to move between the two at different points in your healing.

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#### I’ve heard that trauma can often cause the victim to develop kinks related to it, but what’s the youngest this can happen? I've had certain preoccupations since elementary school that I don't understand. Is this related to early experiences, and why might it happen?

🇰🇼

Thank you for reaching out about this sensitive topic. It's understandable to have questions about your experiences and feelings. Trauma can influence a person's interests or fixations, but it's important to understand that this is a complex topic without simple answers. The development of interests, including sexual ones, is influenced by many factors and can begin at different ages for different individuals.

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#### When I was 13, I was on a trip with my uncle and we shared a room. He invited me to take off my pajamas, and he was naked too. He touched me and fingered me, and I had my first orgasm. He told me to say stop if I felt uncomfortable, but I didn't say anything even though I felt terribly uncomfortable. It only happened once, and he's acted completely normal ever since, like it never happened. We still see each other at family gatherings. I don't know what to think about this. Sometimes it feels like nothing really happened because we didn't have sex and it only happened once. But I also have a lot of feelings of guilt and shame because I didn't say stop. What should I think about this experience?

🇨🇿

I'm so sorry you went through such a painful and confusing experience. It can be deeply upsetting to look back on an event like that and question everything, especially when it's someone in your family who made you feel uncomfortable. What your uncle did to you was sexual abuse. You were a child, and he was an adult in a position of trust and authority who had much more power and responsibility. Even if there was no visible force or "traditional" form of rape, what happened to you was still a violation.

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#### Is a partner/spouse entitled to know about past sexual experiences or trauma, including incidents that occurred during childhood?

🇫🇷

Thank you for asking this question. No partner or spouse is automatically "entitled" to know everything about your past, including childhood sexual experiences or trauma. What you choose to share within your relationship is ultimately your decision, based on your comfort level, sense of safety, and the context of your relationship.

](/en/answer/is-a-partner-spouse-entitled-to-know-about-past-sexual-experiences-or-trauma-including-incidents-that-occurred-during-childhood-608 "Thank you for asking this question. No partner or spouse is automatically \"entitled\" to know everything about your past, including childhood sexual experiences or trauma. What you choose to share within your relationship is ultimately your decision, based on your comfort level, sense of safety, and the context of your relationship.")

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#### I experienced childhood sexual trauma (oral abuse) and now struggle with vaginismus causing painful intercourse, despite the abuse not involving vaginal penetration. This has caused some issues in my relationship as we want children one day but I cannot handle vaginal sex. Pelvic floor exercises and dilators have provided minimal help. Why might I have vaginismus given the nature of my trauma, and how can I manage its effects?

🇬🇧

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. We appreciate you reaching out and want to acknowledge the progress you've already made—this is a huge accomplishment. Your question addresses issues that many survivors face but often struggle to share with professionals, so we're grateful for your vulnerability and trust in us.

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#### I've been reconnecting with my sexuality and watching porn, but I came across a video of a woman being assaulted. It triggered memories of my own experience, and now I feel disgusted with porn. I'm not ready to fully process my own trauma right now. How can I navigate this?

🇺🇸

Thank you for trusting us with something so personal. I'm really sorry you experienced this, and I can tell how upsetting it must have been to come across that material unexpectedly. Stumbling upon assault depicted in pornography can be deeply disturbing, especially when you're a survivor yourself. It's understandable to feel disgusted or even ashamed, given the painful memories it triggered. Sometimes, when we're trying to explore our sexuality again, even small reminders can bring us back to moments that were traumatic. It can be hard to let...

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#### When I was younger, a close family member sexually abused me for several months, which has significantly impacted my mental health with insomnia, depression, and worsened anxiety. This same person also forced unwanted physical contact when we were both even younger. I've never told my family about the abuse. Now I have an older cousin who makes inappropriate comments and is overly touchy with me, which makes me uncomfortable in the moment. However, I've noticed that afterward when I'm alone, I find myself having disturbing thoughts where I actually want him to assault me or imagine encouraging him to go further. This makes me feel disgusting and crazy. Is this normal behavior after experiencing sexual abuse?

🇨🇦

I'm so sorry to hear about everything you've been through. It takes a lot of courage to share such personal experiences, and I'm glad you reached out. What happened to you was not your fault, and your feelings are completely valid. When someone violates your boundaries, especially someone you trust or someone within your family, it can be incredibly confusing and painful. Similarly, having a family member who disregards your comfort and makes inappropriate advances adds another layer of complexity to your healing journey.

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#### I understand that sexual arousal can sometimes occur during trauma flashbacks for survivors. I'm seeking to understand from a mental health perspective: Is it psychologically healthy or harmful to engage in consensual sexual activity (either alone or with a partner) when experiencing these trauma responses? How can survivors navigate these complex physical reactions in a way that supports healing?

🇺🇸

Thank you for reaching out with this important question. I am hearing your concern about navigating these complex feelings and responses and will try to provide information to support you the best I can. Experiencing sexual arousal during flashbacks is a reaction that many survivors encounter, but I understand that it can be both confusing and distressing. Please know that you're not alone.

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#### I dealt with sexual abuse and trauma from childhood into early adulthood. I never knew how to give or revoke consent because it had just been so murky all of my life. When my wife and I started dating, I would often have sex out of guilt of not "putting out." She didn't know I was uncomfortable. After much therapy and healing, I have started to learn what consent really means to me. But now I feel sickened at the idea of sex with her because of how our relationship started. What can I do?

🇺🇸

Thank you so much for trusting us with this. First, I want to acknowledge how much courage and hard work it takes to reach the place you're describing, years of therapy, healing, and genuinely learning what consent means to you. That is no small thing, and it deserves to be acknowledged. Getting clearer about your own truth can suddenly make your entire past look different, and that new view can be painful.

](/en/answer/i-dealt-with-sexual-abuse-and-trauma-from-childhood-into-early-adulthood-i-never-knew-how-to-give-or-revoke-consent-because-it-had-just-been-so-murky-all-of-my-life-when-my-wife-and-i-started-dating-i "I dealt with sexual abuse and trauma from childhood into early adulthood. I never knew how to give or revoke consent because it had just been so murky all of my life. When my wife and I started dating, I would often have sex out of guilt of not \"putting out.\" She didn't know I was uncomfortable. After much therapy and healing, I have started to learn what consent really means to me. But now I feel sickened at the idea of sex with her because of how our relationship started. What can I do?")

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#### I'm a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and COCSA. I'm scared that if I ever decide to explore relationships romantically and sexually, I'm going to harm others. Everyone I see talks about concerns of being assaulted again, never about fearing becoming an assailant themselves. Am I broken for this? I feel damaged in a way that I'll only hurt anyone who comes close to me. Am I a monster? What do I do?

🇺🇸

Thank you for trusting us with this. What you're experiencing is actually more common than you might think, though it's talked about far less openly. Many survivors carry the worry that the abuse they experienced might somehow have "infected" them or made them dangerous to others. This fear doesn't make you broken, and it certainly doesn't make you a monster. In fact, the very anxiety you're feeling often indicates the opposite: you care deeply about not causing harm, which is fundamentally incompatible with being someone who would actually hu...

](/en/answer/im-a-survivor-of-childhood-sexual-abuse-and-cocsa-im-scared-that-if-i-ever-decide-to-explore-relationships-romantically-and-sexually-im-going-to-harm-others-everyone-i-see-talks-about-concerns-of-bein "Thank you for trusting us with this. What you're experiencing is actually more common than you might think, though it's talked about far less openly. Many survivors carry the worry that the abuse they experienced might somehow have \"infected\" them or made them dangerous to others. This fear doesn't make you broken, and it certainly doesn't make you a monster. In fact, the very anxiety you're feeling often indicates the opposite: you care deeply about not causing harm, which is fundamentally incompatible with being someone who would actually hu...")

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#### As a child, I experienced sexual abuse and repeated exposure to sexual content from a very young age. During my adolescence, I sometimes used these memories for stimulation, and once I became aroused by explicit video content. I feel tremendous guilt about these reactions and wonder if it's possible to forgive myself. I also notice that certain sounds arouse me and don't know if this is normal. Is it possible to heal from this guilt and understand these reactions?

🇨🇴

I want to begin by telling you that your ability to reflect on these experiences with such honesty requires extraordinary courage. What you describe are completely understandable responses to early trauma and premature sexual exposure. When children are exposed to sexual content or experiences before being developmentally ready, the brain stores these experiences in complex ways that can influence physical and emotional responses years later. Your body learned to respond to certain stimuli during a critical developmental period, and these neur...

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#### When I was young, my older female cousin made me preform oral on her. At the time I didn't know it was inappropriate, and I was curious about it. I even asked to 'play' again later. As an adult, I realized it was sexual assault and feel deep shame, particularly because part of me didn't hate the experience. This has been difficult to process. Is this normal? Additionally, now that I'm married, sometimes during sexual activities my body gets a strange feeling at a certain point that makes me want to stop immediately, even if I was enjoying it before. What might be happening?

🇺🇸

Thank you for sharing your story with us. It takes a lot of courage to open up about such personal experiences, and I want you to know that your feelings are valid. It's not uncommon for people who have had similar experiences to feel a mix of emotions, including confusion, shame, and guilt, especially when those experiences involve childhood and family members.

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#### I experienced sexual abuse as a child by two uncles. I believe I have PTSD, depression, and developed OCD. I feel very bad because I think that sometimes I fantasized about my two uncles when I was a teenager and a few years ago (around age 21-22). I'm not sure if this is real because my OCD involves false memories. But I seem to remember that while dancing with one uncle, I liked feeling him close. I'm wondering if this happens with other survivors.

🇨🇴

Thank you for trusting us with this. What you're describing is something that many survivors experience, and I want you to know that having these kinds of thoughts or feelings does not make what happened to you any less wrong, nor does it mean you wanted or caused the abuse. The confusion you're feeling is a common and understandable response to childhood sexual abuse, especially when the abuse was perpetrated by family members.

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#### I experienced unwanted sexual contact on a bus when a man put his face against my bottom. It was my first sexual contact, and when I turned around, I found him attractive. Is it normal to feel sexually attracted to my assailant? Lately, I've been wanting to see him again (though I can't). Is this self-destructive behavior or a desire to rewrite my story? I believe his actions were intentional based on how he looked at me and didn't move away quickly.

🇳🇱

This is a really tough question and we appreciate you trusting us with it. Your experience and the complex feelings you're having in response are not uncommon for survivors of unwanted sexual contact. It's important to understand that your reactions are valid and don't diminish the seriousness of what happened to you.

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#### When I was 6, I was bribed into performing an unwanted sexual act with a boy by his older sister. They seemed to know what they were doing, as they were smirking throughout and never gave me the promised bribe, instead finding amusement in my disappointment. I cannot remember the full details of what happened, just before and after. What's bothering me is that I agreed to it because of the bribe, while my younger sister was able to refuse. Can it still be considered sexual abuse if I went along with it? I feel this childhood experience may be affecting my adult intimacy issues, including vaginismus. Could these problems possibly be connected to this childhood event?

🇬🇧

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your experience with us. I want to start by saying yes what you experienced can still be considered sexual abuse. When you were six years old, you were encouraged—through bribery and pressure—by older children to engage in a sexual act that you didn't truly want to do. Children cannot consent to sexual activities, regardless of whether they appear to "go along with" something. A 6-year-old child lacks the developmental capacity to understand sexual acts or provide meaningful consent. The...

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#### I feel disconnected from myself. I experienced sexual abuse when I was very young (at 4 or 5 years old by my uncles) and was exposed to inappropriate situations, which caused my memory to fragment. For months now, I've been dealing with severe OCD focused on false memories and sexuality. I have obsessive doubts about whether I became aroused while watching explicit content, and I feel overwhelming guilt and depression. I'm terrified that I might be like the people who abused me, or that I acted inappropriately in ways I don't remember. How can I cope with these intrusive thoughts and the intense guilt I'm experiencing?

🇨🇴

Thank you for reaching out and sharing what you're going through. I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you, and I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. Experiencing abuse at such a young age can have profound and lasting effects, and it's understandable that you're grappling with these painful emotions and thoughts now.

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#### Throughout my life, I've had experiences with older people when I was younger - one when I was around 10-12 and another at 16-17. While these felt like romantic relationships at the time, they sometimes involved requests for photos and videos. I know there are more severe cases, but there are things I don't understand about my own reactions. I experience impulses that make my body react - sometimes imagining scenarios involving those adults and my younger self, or my adult self with my child self. When I doubt these experiences, I get caught in cycles that are difficult to break. This includes searching for content that resembles what happened or trying to recreate it through fictional characters. I don't understand why this compulsive pattern happens, especially since what occurred doesn't seem that serious to me. Can things that "just happen" really be that impactful?

🇲🇽

I'm so sorry you've been carrying such confusion about all of this. When someone who's older enters a relationship with a child or teen in a way that involves sexual or romantic behavior, it's understandable to feel torn about how serious or "bad" it was, especially if it didn't fit the kind of extreme abuse stories you've heard elsewhere. Yes, experiences that might seem "minor" or that "just happened" can absolutely have significant and lasting impacts. What you're describing, relationships with significant age gaps during childhood and adol...

](/en/answer/throughout-my-life-ive-had-experiences-with-older-people-when-i-was-younger-one-when-i-was-around-10-12-and-another-at-16-17-while-these-felt-like-romantic-relationships-at-the-time-they-sometimes-inv "Throughout my life, I've had experiences with older people when I was younger - one when I was around 10-12 and another at 16-17. While these felt like romantic relationships at the time, they sometimes involved requests for photos and videos. I know there are more severe cases, but there are things I don't understand about my own reactions. I experience impulses that make my body react - sometimes imagining scenarios involving those adults and my younger self, or my adult self with my child self. When I doubt these experiences, I get caught in cycles that are difficult to break. This includes searching for content that resembles what happened or trying to recreate it through fictional characters. I don't understand why this compulsive pattern happens, especially since what occurred doesn't seem that serious to me. Can things that \"just happen\" really be that impactful?")

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#### I'm a survivor of sexual assault who is trying to understand sexual arousal and intimacy. I have mixed feelings - there's a natural desire for intimate connection, but also fear based on my past experiences. Sometimes I experience sensations that feel like an adrenaline rush (similar to riding a roller coaster), and I'm trying to understand what these physical responses mean. I want to better understand how sexual arousal works physiologically for women, particularly in the context of processing trauma and potentially developing healthy intimate relationships in the future.

🇺🇸

Thank you for your thoughtful question about understanding sexual arousal and intimacy after trauma. Let me provide some information that I hope will help you understand both the physiological and emotional aspects of what you're experiencing, with particular emphasis on an essential point: arousal never equals consent.

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#### When I was around 7 years old, I experienced sexual abuse by another boy the same age as me. I pushed those feelings down for years and it mostly worked, but after my first breakup recently, everything came rushing back. Now I can't stop thinking about wanting someone to hurt me the same way, but worse. I even find myself thinking about how to get with an older person to make that happen. I know it doesn't make sense, but the wanting feels real and I don't know where it's coming from. I also feel this weird anxiety about getting older, like there is a window closing and I am running out of time to feel this way. I also feel like if I actually went through with it and got hurt, it would be my fault because I was the one looking for it. Am I a bad person for feeling this way?

🇺🇸

Thank you for sharing this. You are not a bad person and what you are feeling has a real explanation. What you are describing sounds like something clinicians call trauma reenactment, and it is one of the most documented and least talked-about responses to early sexual trauma. When something overwhelming happens to a child before they have any framework for understanding their own body or what safety means, the brain can get stuck trying to finish what it never got to resolve. Think of it like a song that got cut off in the middle. The m...

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Community note

This post discusses childhood sexual abuse and explores feelings of wanting to recreate painful experiences after trauma. Read at your own pace and take care of yourself as you do.

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#### I'm coming to terms with experiences from my childhood and wondering if I'm overthinking their impact. In 2nd-4th grade, my same-age friend would isolate me from adults during recess and touch me inappropriately, putting her hands in my shirt or pants. Similar things happened during sleepovers at her house. I never said no and pretended to like it because I feared losing her friendship - she was my only source of attention while I was dealing with being ignored at home and struggling socially due to autism. When I moved schools in 5th grade, this stopped. I constantly battle with myself about whether this was actually harmful or if I'm just sensitive. I've never told anyone because I worry it doesn't count since we were both children, and I was physically larger and perceived as more masculine since I am Black in our predominantly white school. If it wasn't that bad, why did it impact me so deeply? These experiences have affected my relationships - I simultaneously hate being touched but feel that without physical intimacy, I'm not truly loved. This has led to situations where I don't explicitly refuse sex but don't truly consent, often ending up crying afterward. Was this experience actually harmful, or am I overreacting? I'd appreciate any insight or advice.

🇺🇸

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. What you experienced sounds like unwanted sexual contact that occurred without your full, enthusiastic consent - and yes, it matters. Children cannot truly consent to sexual activity, even with other children, because they don't have the emotional and cognitive development to understand the implications. The fact that you were both young doesn't diminish the impact this had on you.

](/en/answer/im-coming-to-terms-with-experiences-from-my-childhood-and-wondering-if-im-overthinking-their-impact-in-2nd-4th-grade-my-same-age-friend-would-isolate-me-from-adults-during-recess-and-touch-me-inapprop)

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#### I'm confused about some of my brother's behavior during childhood and adolescence and whether it could explain my current intimacy issues. I'm 30F and have struggled with intimacy throughout my life. While I enjoy kissing and cuddling, I completely freeze up as soon as it goes further and just want it to be over. When I was 7 and my brother was 10, he showed me how to pleasure himself and made me do it. A few years later when he was 14-15, he would occasionally come into my room at night after drinking and watch me while I pretended to sleep. Sometimes he touched me between my legs, and I would move as if I was rolling over in my sleep, causing him to leave. This continued for a few months until he stopped. We now have a close relationship. Could these experiences be causing my difficulty with intimacy? I can't find another explanation, and it's becoming a real hurdle for me.

🇳🇿

Thank you for sharing your story and trusting us with your feelings. The experiences you've described with your brother during childhood were inappropriate boundary crossings that could certainly influence how you experience intimacy today. Children deserve to have their bodies respected and to develop an understanding of physical boundaries in their own time and in age-appropriate ways.

](/en/answer/im-confused-about-some-of-my-brothers-behavior-during-childhood-and-adolescence-and-whether-it-could-explain-my-current-intimacy-issues-im-30f-and-have-struggled-with-intimacy-throughout-my-life-while)

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#### Am I valid in identifying as asexual after experiencing sexual assault? I had some of these feelings before the relationship, but they've become much stronger since.

🇺🇸

Thank you for reaching out to us. I want to affirm that your feelings and identity are absolutely valid, and you get to define your own sexual orientation. There's no "right" or "wrong" way to experience your sexuality after trauma, and whatever you're feeling deserves respect and acknowledgment.

](/en/answer/am-i-valid-in-identifying-as-asexual-after-experiencing-sexual-assault-i-had-some-of-these-feelings-before-the-relationship-but-theyve-become-much-stronger-since-805 "Thank you for reaching out to us. I want to affirm that your feelings and identity are absolutely valid, and you get to define your own sexual orientation. There's no \"right\" or \"wrong\" way to experience your sexuality after trauma, and whatever you're feeling deserves respect and acknowledgment.")

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#### What is the difference between curiosity driven by developing hormones versus intent to achieve sexual gratification in early adolescence?

🇺🇸

Sexual curiosity during the preteen years often comes from a natural sense of wonder about changing bodies and emotions. At twelve or thirteen, many children are just beginning to notice new physical and emotional sensations tied to maturing hormones. This curiosity usually involves questions about anatomy, private thoughts about attraction, or an urge to understand how bodies work. Children at this age might share jokes, ask each other questions, or become interested in harmless forms of exploration because they’re trying to make sense...

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#### I can only finish with clitoral stimulation, but because of trauma, when a partner is the one doing it, it often becomes painful. Things will be going well, it feels good at first, and then something shifts and nothing feels right and I get completely in my head. I keep having emotional reactions afterward. I'm terrified this is just how I'm wired now and will never get better. My partner tells me not to beat myself up, but I don't know how to do that, and it's starting to feel all-consuming.

🇺🇸

Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not broken and this is not just how you are wired. I know that probably feels impossible to believe when it keeps happening, but it is true. Trauma does not live only in your memories or your thoughts. It takes up residence in your body, specifically in your nervous system, which is constantly scanning the world and deciding whether you are safe. The nervous system is not logical. It does not care that you want this, or that things are going well, or that nothing is actually wrong in the room. When...

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#### When I was a child my neighbor (also a child) showed me sexual things. I only know it happened because I have flash memories of it and her asking if it felt good. I don’t remember ever saying no, or stop, or I don’t like it. After we moved, I was really hypersexual and would masturbate a lot. I would cry and feel terrible about myself because I thought it was wrong. Would this be considered child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA) or am I just being dramatic??

🇺🇸

Thank you so much for this question. I want to start by saying that you are not being dramatic. Sexual activities between children can be extremely confusing to process. We have actually received many similar questions to this in the past, so we created a blog post to share what we know about this type of abuse. Take a look at that here: Child-on-child Sexual Abuse (COCSA): Frequently Asked Questions and Considerations ~ Making Waves (ourwave.org)

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#### Why so some people become hypersexual or asexual after sexual assault?

🇲🇼

Both hypersexuality and asexuality after sexual assault are incredibly common responses, and neither one means something is wrong with you. They are two very different but equally valid ways that the mind and body can respond to trauma and it's even possible to move between the two at different points in your healing.

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#### Is a partner/spouse entitled to know about past sexual experiences or trauma, including incidents that occurred during childhood?

🇫🇷

Thank you for asking this question. No partner or spouse is automatically "entitled" to know everything about your past, including childhood sexual experiences or trauma. What you choose to share within your relationship is ultimately your decision, based on your comfort level, sense of safety, and the context of your relationship.

](/en/answer/is-a-partner-spouse-entitled-to-know-about-past-sexual-experiences-or-trauma-including-incidents-that-occurred-during-childhood-608 "Thank you for asking this question. No partner or spouse is automatically \"entitled\" to know everything about your past, including childhood sexual experiences or trauma. What you choose to share within your relationship is ultimately your decision, based on your comfort level, sense of safety, and the context of your relationship.")

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#### When I was younger, a close family member sexually abused me for several months, which has significantly impacted my mental health with insomnia, depression, and worsened anxiety. This same person also forced unwanted physical contact when we were both even younger. I've never told my family about the abuse. Now I have an older cousin who makes inappropriate comments and is overly touchy with me, which makes me uncomfortable in the moment. However, I've noticed that afterward when I'm alone, I find myself having disturbing thoughts where I actually want him to assault me or imagine encouraging him to go further. This makes me feel disgusting and crazy. Is this normal behavior after experiencing sexual abuse?

🇨🇦

I'm so sorry to hear about everything you've been through. It takes a lot of courage to share such personal experiences, and I'm glad you reached out. What happened to you was not your fault, and your feelings are completely valid. When someone violates your boundaries, especially someone you trust or someone within your family, it can be incredibly confusing and painful. Similarly, having a family member who disregards your comfort and makes inappropriate advances adds another layer of complexity to your healing journey.

](/en/answer/when-i-was-younger-a-close-family-member-sexually-abused-me-for-several-months-which-has-significantly-impacted-my-mental-health-with-insomnia-depression-and-worsened-anxiety-this-same-person-also-for)

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#### I'm a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and COCSA. I'm scared that if I ever decide to explore relationships romantically and sexually, I'm going to harm others. Everyone I see talks about concerns of being assaulted again, never about fearing becoming an assailant themselves. Am I broken for this? I feel damaged in a way that I'll only hurt anyone who comes close to me. Am I a monster? What do I do?

🇺🇸

Thank you for trusting us with this. What you're experiencing is actually more common than you might think, though it's talked about far less openly. Many survivors carry the worry that the abuse they experienced might somehow have "infected" them or made them dangerous to others. This fear doesn't make you broken, and it certainly doesn't make you a monster. In fact, the very anxiety you're feeling often indicates the opposite: you care deeply about not causing harm, which is fundamentally incompatible with being someone who would actually hu...

](/en/answer/im-a-survivor-of-childhood-sexual-abuse-and-cocsa-im-scared-that-if-i-ever-decide-to-explore-relationships-romantically-and-sexually-im-going-to-harm-others-everyone-i-see-talks-about-concerns-of-bein "Thank you for trusting us with this. What you're experiencing is actually more common than you might think, though it's talked about far less openly. Many survivors carry the worry that the abuse they experienced might somehow have \"infected\" them or made them dangerous to others. This fear doesn't make you broken, and it certainly doesn't make you a monster. In fact, the very anxiety you're feeling often indicates the opposite: you care deeply about not causing harm, which is fundamentally incompatible with being someone who would actually hu...")

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#### I experienced sexual abuse as a child by two uncles. I believe I have PTSD, depression, and developed OCD. I feel very bad because I think that sometimes I fantasized about my two uncles when I was a teenager and a few years ago (around age 21-22). I'm not sure if this is real because my OCD involves false memories. But I seem to remember that while dancing with one uncle, I liked feeling him close. I'm wondering if this happens with other survivors.

🇨🇴

Thank you for trusting us with this. What you're describing is something that many survivors experience, and I want you to know that having these kinds of thoughts or feelings does not make what happened to you any less wrong, nor does it mean you wanted or caused the abuse. The confusion you're feeling is a common and understandable response to childhood sexual abuse, especially when the abuse was perpetrated by family members.

](/en/answer/i-experienced-sexual-abuse-as-a-child-by-two-uncles-i-believe-i-have-ptsd-depression-and-developed-ocd-i-feel-very-bad-because-i-think-that-sometimes-i-fantasized-about-my-two-uncles-when-i-was-a-teen)

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#### I feel disconnected from myself. I experienced sexual abuse when I was very young (at 4 or 5 years old by my uncles) and was exposed to inappropriate situations, which caused my memory to fragment. For months now, I've been dealing with severe OCD focused on false memories and sexuality. I have obsessive doubts about whether I became aroused while watching explicit content, and I feel overwhelming guilt and depression. I'm terrified that I might be like the people who abused me, or that I acted inappropriately in ways I don't remember. How can I cope with these intrusive thoughts and the intense guilt I'm experiencing?

🇨🇴

Thank you for reaching out and sharing what you're going through. I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you, and I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. Experiencing abuse at such a young age can have profound and lasting effects, and it's understandable that you're grappling with these painful emotions and thoughts now.

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#### When I was around 7 years old, I experienced sexual abuse by another boy the same age as me. I pushed those feelings down for years and it mostly worked, but after my first breakup recently, everything came rushing back. Now I can't stop thinking about wanting someone to hurt me the same way, but worse. I even find myself thinking about how to get with an older person to make that happen. I know it doesn't make sense, but the wanting feels real and I don't know where it's coming from. I also feel this weird anxiety about getting older, like there is a window closing and I am running out of time to feel this way. I also feel like if I actually went through with it and got hurt, it would be my fault because I was the one looking for it. Am I a bad person for feeling this way?

🇺🇸

Thank you for sharing this. You are not a bad person and what you are feeling has a real explanation. What you are describing sounds like something clinicians call trauma reenactment, and it is one of the most documented and least talked-about responses to early sexual trauma. When something overwhelming happens to a child before they have any framework for understanding their own body or what safety means, the brain can get stuck trying to finish what it never got to resolve. Think of it like a song that got cut off in the middle. The m...

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Community note

This post discusses childhood sexual abuse and explores feelings of wanting to recreate painful experiences after trauma. Read at your own pace and take care of yourself as you do.

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#### Why can people who experience sexual harm experience hypersexuality after these experiences?

🇰🇼

After experiencing sexual harm, some individuals may find themselves experiencing hypersexuality, a heightened interest or engagement in sexual activities. This response can be multifaceted, often stemming from complex psychological and emotional reactions to the trauma endured. In some cases, hypersexuality may serve as a coping mechanism, offering a temporary sense of control or empowerment in the aftermath of a traumatic experience. It's crucial to recognize that this reaction is not uncommon and does not invalidate the survivor's traumatic...

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#### Will I as a sexual assault survivor be able to have a "normal" romantic/sexual relationship someday? I have never had that kind of relationship before. I think I'm afraid of that kind of intimacy and physical touch because my first experience of sexual touch was someone approaching and grabbing me. I hate that there are people who think they can misuse other people's bodies.

🇺🇸

Thank you for trusting us with this question. Sexual assault is a deeply traumatic experience that can have lasting impacts on survivors, particularly in intimate relationships. The fear and anxiety you're experiencing around intimacy and physical touch are natural responses to trauma. It's important to recognize that these feelings don't reflect any shortcoming on your part, but rather are a normal reaction to an abnormal and violating experience.

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#### Can digital (finger) penetration be considered oral? Or is that not accurate terminology?

🇫🇷

Thank you for reaching out with this question. It's completely understandable to feel uncertain about these terms, as they can sometimes be confusing. Digital penetration specifically refers to the use of fingers ("digits") to penetrate a body opening such as the vagina or anus. This is considered a form of sexual activity involving penetration, but it is not classified as oral sex. Oral sex specifically involves the use of the mouth to stimulate the genitals or intimate areas of another person. If someone uses their fingers to penetrate anoth...

](/en/answer/can-digital-finger-penetration-be-considered-oral-or-is-that-not-accurate-terminology-594 "Thank you for reaching out with this question. It's completely understandable to feel uncertain about these terms, as they can sometimes be confusing.
Digital penetration specifically refers to the use of fingers (\"digits\") to penetrate a body opening such as the vagina or anus. This is considered a form of sexual activity involving penetration, but it is not classified as oral sex. Oral sex specifically involves the use of the mouth to stimulate the genitals or intimate areas of another person. If someone uses their fingers to penetrate anoth...")

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#### I was sexually groomed and abused for years as a child. Now, as an adult, I frequently have sexual fantasies about being raped, even though I know I wouldn't actually want it to happen. I've been married for 21 years to a loving, understanding husband who knows about my past trauma. However, I only find sex with him truly exciting when it feels 'wrong' or forbidden. I'm rarely turned on by my husband's loving and trauma-aware approach, though I've never told him about my fantasies. I feel like something is broken in my mind and I want to understand and fix it. Can you explain why I'm struggling with this?

🇺🇸

First and foremost, I want to assure you that you are not broken. Your experiences and feelings, while distressing to you, are actually quite common among survivors of childhood sexual abuse and grooming. What you're describing is a complex response to trauma that many survivors grapple with.

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#### I was assaulted (a stranger was walking around me acting all weird and he grabbed my bottom). Part of my reaction is "I never want anyone to touch me there again," but another part is "What would it feel like if someone touched me there and I wanted them to touch me?" I think someday I want to experience intimate touch with someone I love and trust. Is this feeling my brain trying to help me reclaim my body? How do I reconcile these feelings?

🇺🇸

Thank you for sharing these complex feelings. Your experiences and emotions are valid, and it's common for assault survivors to have conflicting thoughts about touch and intimacy. The feelings you're describing indeed sound like a part of your mind's process of trying to heal and reclaim your sense of bodily autonomy. Your reaction "I never want anyone to touch me there again" is a protective response. Your brain is trying to keep you safe from further harm, which is a normal reaction to trauma. At the same time, the thought "What would it fee...

](/en/answer/i-was-assaulted-a-stranger-was-walking-around-me-acting-all-weird-and-he-grabbed-my-bottom-part-of-my-reaction-is-i-never-want-anyone-to-touch-me-there-again-but-another-part-is-what-would-it-feel-like-if-someone-touched-me-there-and-i-wanted-them-to-touch-me-i-think-someday-i-want-to-experience-intimate-touch-with-someone-i-love-and-trust-is-this-feeling-my-brain-trying-to-help-me-reclaim-my-body-how-do-i-reconcile-these-feelings-272 "Thank you for sharing these complex feelings. Your experiences and emotions are valid, and it's common for assault survivors to have conflicting thoughts about touch and intimacy.
The feelings you're describing indeed sound like a part of your mind's process of trying to heal and reclaim your sense of bodily autonomy. Your reaction \"I never want anyone to touch me there again\" is a protective response. Your brain is trying to keep you safe from further harm, which is a normal reaction to trauma. At the same time, the thought \"What would it fee...")

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#### I’ve heard that trauma can often cause the victim to develop kinks related to it, but what’s the youngest this can happen? I've had certain preoccupations since elementary school that I don't understand. Is this related to early experiences, and why might it happen?

🇰🇼

Thank you for reaching out about this sensitive topic. It's understandable to have questions about your experiences and feelings. Trauma can influence a person's interests or fixations, but it's important to understand that this is a complex topic without simple answers. The development of interests, including sexual ones, is influenced by many factors and can begin at different ages for different individuals.

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#### I experienced childhood sexual trauma (oral abuse) and now struggle with vaginismus causing painful intercourse, despite the abuse not involving vaginal penetration. This has caused some issues in my relationship as we want children one day but I cannot handle vaginal sex. Pelvic floor exercises and dilators have provided minimal help. Why might I have vaginismus given the nature of my trauma, and how can I manage its effects?

🇬🇧

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. We appreciate you reaching out and want to acknowledge the progress you've already made—this is a huge accomplishment. Your question addresses issues that many survivors face but often struggle to share with professionals, so we're grateful for your vulnerability and trust in us.

](/en/answer/i-experienced-childhood-sexual-trauma-oral-abuse-and-now-struggle-with-vaginismus-causing-painful-intercourse-despite-the-abuse-not-involving-vaginal-penetration-this-has-caused-some-issues-in-my-relationship-as-we-want-children-one-day-but-i-cannot-handle-vaginal-sex-pelvic-floor-exercises-and-dilators-have-provided-minimal-help-why-might-i-have-vaginismus-given-the-nature-of-my-trauma-and-how-can-i-manage-its-effects-266)

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#### I understand that sexual arousal can sometimes occur during trauma flashbacks for survivors. I'm seeking to understand from a mental health perspective: Is it psychologically healthy or harmful to engage in consensual sexual activity (either alone or with a partner) when experiencing these trauma responses? How can survivors navigate these complex physical reactions in a way that supports healing?

🇺🇸

Thank you for reaching out with this important question. I am hearing your concern about navigating these complex feelings and responses and will try to provide information to support you the best I can. Experiencing sexual arousal during flashbacks is a reaction that many survivors encounter, but I understand that it can be both confusing and distressing. Please know that you're not alone.

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#### As a child, I experienced sexual abuse and repeated exposure to sexual content from a very young age. During my adolescence, I sometimes used these memories for stimulation, and once I became aroused by explicit video content. I feel tremendous guilt about these reactions and wonder if it's possible to forgive myself. I also notice that certain sounds arouse me and don't know if this is normal. Is it possible to heal from this guilt and understand these reactions?

🇨🇴

I want to begin by telling you that your ability to reflect on these experiences with such honesty requires extraordinary courage. What you describe are completely understandable responses to early trauma and premature sexual exposure. When children are exposed to sexual content or experiences before being developmentally ready, the brain stores these experiences in complex ways that can influence physical and emotional responses years later. Your body learned to respond to certain stimuli during a critical developmental period, and these neur...

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#### I experienced unwanted sexual contact on a bus when a man put his face against my bottom. It was my first sexual contact, and when I turned around, I found him attractive. Is it normal to feel sexually attracted to my assailant? Lately, I've been wanting to see him again (though I can't). Is this self-destructive behavior or a desire to rewrite my story? I believe his actions were intentional based on how he looked at me and didn't move away quickly.

🇳🇱

This is a really tough question and we appreciate you trusting us with it. Your experience and the complex feelings you're having in response are not uncommon for survivors of unwanted sexual contact. It's important to understand that your reactions are valid and don't diminish the seriousness of what happened to you.

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#### Throughout my life, I've had experiences with older people when I was younger - one when I was around 10-12 and another at 16-17. While these felt like romantic relationships at the time, they sometimes involved requests for photos and videos. I know there are more severe cases, but there are things I don't understand about my own reactions. I experience impulses that make my body react - sometimes imagining scenarios involving those adults and my younger self, or my adult self with my child self. When I doubt these experiences, I get caught in cycles that are difficult to break. This includes searching for content that resembles what happened or trying to recreate it through fictional characters. I don't understand why this compulsive pattern happens, especially since what occurred doesn't seem that serious to me. Can things that "just happen" really be that impactful?

🇲🇽

I'm so sorry you've been carrying such confusion about all of this. When someone who's older enters a relationship with a child or teen in a way that involves sexual or romantic behavior, it's understandable to feel torn about how serious or "bad" it was, especially if it didn't fit the kind of extreme abuse stories you've heard elsewhere. Yes, experiences that might seem "minor" or that "just happened" can absolutely have significant and lasting impacts. What you're describing, relationships with significant age gaps during childhood and adol...

](/en/answer/throughout-my-life-ive-had-experiences-with-older-people-when-i-was-younger-one-when-i-was-around-10-12-and-another-at-16-17-while-these-felt-like-romantic-relationships-at-the-time-they-sometimes-inv "Throughout my life, I've had experiences with older people when I was younger - one when I was around 10-12 and another at 16-17. While these felt like romantic relationships at the time, they sometimes involved requests for photos and videos. I know there are more severe cases, but there are things I don't understand about my own reactions. I experience impulses that make my body react - sometimes imagining scenarios involving those adults and my younger self, or my adult self with my child self. When I doubt these experiences, I get caught in cycles that are difficult to break. This includes searching for content that resembles what happened or trying to recreate it through fictional characters. I don't understand why this compulsive pattern happens, especially since what occurred doesn't seem that serious to me. Can things that \"just happen\" really be that impactful?")

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#### I'm coming to terms with experiences from my childhood and wondering if I'm overthinking their impact. In 2nd-4th grade, my same-age friend would isolate me from adults during recess and touch me inappropriately, putting her hands in my shirt or pants. Similar things happened during sleepovers at her house. I never said no and pretended to like it because I feared losing her friendship - she was my only source of attention while I was dealing with being ignored at home and struggling socially due to autism. When I moved schools in 5th grade, this stopped. I constantly battle with myself about whether this was actually harmful or if I'm just sensitive. I've never told anyone because I worry it doesn't count since we were both children, and I was physically larger and perceived as more masculine since I am Black in our predominantly white school. If it wasn't that bad, why did it impact me so deeply? These experiences have affected my relationships - I simultaneously hate being touched but feel that without physical intimacy, I'm not truly loved. This has led to situations where I don't explicitly refuse sex but don't truly consent, often ending up crying afterward. Was this experience actually harmful, or am I overreacting? I'd appreciate any insight or advice.

🇺🇸

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. What you experienced sounds like unwanted sexual contact that occurred without your full, enthusiastic consent - and yes, it matters. Children cannot truly consent to sexual activity, even with other children, because they don't have the emotional and cognitive development to understand the implications. The fact that you were both young doesn't diminish the impact this had on you.

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#### Why did I become hypersexual around males after being sexually assaulted? Could this be connected to the assaults or to growing up with an abusive father? Or is this just who I am?

🇺🇸

Thank you for trusting us with this. I want to start by addressing your last question first...no, this is not "just who you are." The fact that you're asking this question at all tells me that this behavior feels foreign to you, like something that doesn't quite align with who you know yourself to be underneath it all. That instinct is worth trusting.

](/en/answer/why-did-i-become-hypersexual-around-males-after-being-sexually-assaulted-could-this-be-connected-to-the-assaults-or-to-growing-up-with-an-abusive-father-or-is-this-just-who-i-am-857 "Thank you for trusting us with this. I want to start by addressing your last question first...no, this is not \"just who you are.\" The fact that you're asking this question at all tells me that this behavior feels foreign to you, like something that doesn't quite align with who you know yourself to be underneath it all. That instinct is worth trusting.")

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#### Why do I get aroused when I talk about my sexual abuse?

🇺🇸

Thank you for this question. Experiencing arousal when discussing sexual abuse can be a confusing and distressing response, but it's important to understand that it's not an uncommon reaction for many survivors. This physical response doesn't imply consent or enjoyment, rather, it may be a result of the body's physiological reactions to stress and trauma.

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#### Since my attack, I’ve had sex. However, I can’t seem to feel…connected. It’s like I’m just going through the motions. I’m afraid to open up emotionally to anyone, and I’m not sure how to get past that.

🇺🇸

Trauma and violence can affect the way you experience sexual intimacy in a multitude of ways. While it may feel different or overwhelming to be with someone sexually in the beginning, it is possible to enjoy sexual intimacy again one day. After experiencing sexual violence, many survivors find that sexual situations make them feel afraid or anxious even when they’re with someone they trust. Some survivors experience distressing flashbacks or memories during sex, which can make it hard to relax and feel safe. Other common exper...

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#### When I was a teenager, I was sexually abused in a relationship, and afterward I became hypersexual. Now, years later, I struggle to enjoy sex or stay present, even with a long-term partner who respects my boundaries and makes me feel safe and comfortable. Is it normal for trauma responses to change like this over time? How can I learn to enjoy sex again without past feelings taking over?

🇨🇦

Thank you so much for reaching out and trusting us with something so personal. Wanting to feel present and connected with someone you love is such an understandable hope, and the changes you are noticing make a lot of sense given what you went through. Many survivors find their responses to sex shifting across the years in exactly this way, and you are not alone in it.

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#### Will I be able to feel aroused again after childhood sexual assault? I am 30-year-old female and have found it extremely difficult to enjoy sex or masturbation for years now, let alone orgasm. What’s going on?

🇵🇷

Thank you for sharing this sensitive and important question. What you're experiencing is a common and understandable reaction to childhood sexual assault. Many survivors struggle with sexual difficulties, including low arousal, trouble enjoying sexual activities, and difficulty reaching orgasm. These issues often stem from the trauma's impact on your mind and body's associations with sex and intimacy.

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#### When I was 13, I was on a trip with my uncle and we shared a room. He invited me to take off my pajamas, and he was naked too. He touched me and fingered me, and I had my first orgasm. He told me to say stop if I felt uncomfortable, but I didn't say anything even though I felt terribly uncomfortable. It only happened once, and he's acted completely normal ever since, like it never happened. We still see each other at family gatherings. I don't know what to think about this. Sometimes it feels like nothing really happened because we didn't have sex and it only happened once. But I also have a lot of feelings of guilt and shame because I didn't say stop. What should I think about this experience?

🇨🇿

I'm so sorry you went through such a painful and confusing experience. It can be deeply upsetting to look back on an event like that and question everything, especially when it's someone in your family who made you feel uncomfortable. What your uncle did to you was sexual abuse. You were a child, and he was an adult in a position of trust and authority who had much more power and responsibility. Even if there was no visible force or "traditional" form of rape, what happened to you was still a violation.

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#### I've been reconnecting with my sexuality and watching porn, but I came across a video of a woman being assaulted. It triggered memories of my own experience, and now I feel disgusted with porn. I'm not ready to fully process my own trauma right now. How can I navigate this?

🇺🇸

Thank you for trusting us with something so personal. I'm really sorry you experienced this, and I can tell how upsetting it must have been to come across that material unexpectedly. Stumbling upon assault depicted in pornography can be deeply disturbing, especially when you're a survivor yourself. It's understandable to feel disgusted or even ashamed, given the painful memories it triggered. Sometimes, when we're trying to explore our sexuality again, even small reminders can bring us back to moments that were traumatic. It can be hard to let...

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#### I dealt with sexual abuse and trauma from childhood into early adulthood. I never knew how to give or revoke consent because it had just been so murky all of my life. When my wife and I started dating, I would often have sex out of guilt of not "putting out." She didn't know I was uncomfortable. After much therapy and healing, I have started to learn what consent really means to me. But now I feel sickened at the idea of sex with her because of how our relationship started. What can I do?

🇺🇸

Thank you so much for trusting us with this. First, I want to acknowledge how much courage and hard work it takes to reach the place you're describing, years of therapy, healing, and genuinely learning what consent means to you. That is no small thing, and it deserves to be acknowledged. Getting clearer about your own truth can suddenly make your entire past look different, and that new view can be painful.

](/en/answer/i-dealt-with-sexual-abuse-and-trauma-from-childhood-into-early-adulthood-i-never-knew-how-to-give-or-revoke-consent-because-it-had-just-been-so-murky-all-of-my-life-when-my-wife-and-i-started-dating-i "I dealt with sexual abuse and trauma from childhood into early adulthood. I never knew how to give or revoke consent because it had just been so murky all of my life. When my wife and I started dating, I would often have sex out of guilt of not \"putting out.\" She didn't know I was uncomfortable. After much therapy and healing, I have started to learn what consent really means to me. But now I feel sickened at the idea of sex with her because of how our relationship started. What can I do?")

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#### When I was young, my older female cousin made me preform oral on her. At the time I didn't know it was inappropriate, and I was curious about it. I even asked to 'play' again later. As an adult, I realized it was sexual assault and feel deep shame, particularly because part of me didn't hate the experience. This has been difficult to process. Is this normal? Additionally, now that I'm married, sometimes during sexual activities my body gets a strange feeling at a certain point that makes me want to stop immediately, even if I was enjoying it before. What might be happening?

🇺🇸

Thank you for sharing your story with us. It takes a lot of courage to open up about such personal experiences, and I want you to know that your feelings are valid. It's not uncommon for people who have had similar experiences to feel a mix of emotions, including confusion, shame, and guilt, especially when those experiences involve childhood and family members.

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#### When I was 6, I was bribed into performing an unwanted sexual act with a boy by his older sister. They seemed to know what they were doing, as they were smirking throughout and never gave me the promised bribe, instead finding amusement in my disappointment. I cannot remember the full details of what happened, just before and after. What's bothering me is that I agreed to it because of the bribe, while my younger sister was able to refuse. Can it still be considered sexual abuse if I went along with it? I feel this childhood experience may be affecting my adult intimacy issues, including vaginismus. Could these problems possibly be connected to this childhood event?

🇬🇧

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your experience with us. I want to start by saying yes what you experienced can still be considered sexual abuse. When you were six years old, you were encouraged—through bribery and pressure—by older children to engage in a sexual act that you didn't truly want to do. Children cannot consent to sexual activities, regardless of whether they appear to "go along with" something. A 6-year-old child lacks the developmental capacity to understand sexual acts or provide meaningful consent. The...

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#### I'm a survivor of sexual assault who is trying to understand sexual arousal and intimacy. I have mixed feelings - there's a natural desire for intimate connection, but also fear based on my past experiences. Sometimes I experience sensations that feel like an adrenaline rush (similar to riding a roller coaster), and I'm trying to understand what these physical responses mean. I want to better understand how sexual arousal works physiologically for women, particularly in the context of processing trauma and potentially developing healthy intimate relationships in the future.

🇺🇸

Thank you for your thoughtful question about understanding sexual arousal and intimacy after trauma. Let me provide some information that I hope will help you understand both the physiological and emotional aspects of what you're experiencing, with particular emphasis on an essential point: arousal never equals consent.

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Making sense of childhood experiences

](/en/learn/topics/making-sense-of-childhood-experiences)[

Understanding specific types of trauma and harm

](/en/learn/topics/understanding-specific-types-of-trauma-and-harm)[

Making sense of adult experiences

](/en/learn/topics/making-sense-of-adult-experiences)[

Managing emotions and how you feel in your body

](/en/learn/topics/managing-emotions-and-how-you-feel-in-your-body)[

Seeking help after trauma

](/en/learn/topics/seeking-help-after-trauma)[

Sharing your story with others

](/en/learn/topics/sharing-your-story-with-others)

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Grounding activity

Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud:

5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window)

4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?)

3 – things you can hear

2 – things you can smell

1 – thing you like about yourself.

Take a deep breath to end.

From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at.

Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one).

Take a deep breath to end.

Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud:

1\. Where am I?

2\. What day of the week is today?

3\. What is today’s date?

4\. What is the current month?

5\. What is the current year?

6\. How old am I?

7\. What season is it?

Take a deep breath to end.

Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder.

Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud.

Take a deep breath to end.

Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment.

Take a deep breath to end.

Try another grounding activity

I feel grounded and ready