---
title: Navigating relationships after trauma: Expert Answers ~ Our Wave
description: Navigating relationships after trauma: 19 survivor questions answered by trauma-informed experts in the Our Wave community.
url: https://community.ourwave.org/en/learn/topics/navigating-relationships-after-trauma.md
---

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# Navigating relationships after trauma

Ask a question

Questions about trust, boundaries and closeness with partners, family and friends after trauma.

19 questions from survivors on this topic, each answered by a trauma-informed expert.

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#### Are there ways I can heal my trust issues in relationships?

🇺🇸

Entering into a relationship at any time can be messy. Relationships can build you up or tear you down. They can breed life or they can breed toxicity. However, even as one enters into a healthy relationship, the trauma from previous experiences can make it extremely difficult to connect with someone new. It is not easy to jump into relationships when your trust has been broken or abused in the past.

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#### Are we as survivors still able to be loved?

🇺🇸

Thank you for trusting us with this emotional question. Of course survivors of violence and abuse can be loved. You are absolutely worthy and deserving of love, care, and healthy relationships. Experiencing violence or abuse does not define you or diminish your value as a person in any way. While trauma can certainly impact how we view ourselves and interact with others, it does not make us unlovable or less deserving of compassion and affection.

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#### How do I deal with family members who do not take my traumatic history seriously?

🇺🇸

It can be incredibly upsetting and frustrating to deal with people who don’t take your traμma seriously, particularly when those people are your own family. People often misunderstand what traμma actually is and the different ways it can affect someone.

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#### Is it wrong or creepy to make my original characters experience the same things that happened to me? I use this as a way to process and relate to my experiences since I haven't met other survivors and don't feel comfortable talking about it. A friend recently called me a creep for doing this, even though they knew what I was going through when it was happening. I don't feel like it's fair if my characters don't suffer the way I did. I need something to relate to. Am I weird for this?

🇩🇿

You are absolutely not a creep, and you are not weird. What you're describing is actually a common and legitimate way that many trauma survivors process their experiences. Using creative expression, including writing characters who have gone through similar experiences of sexual assault, is a recognized coping mechanism and can be part of healing.

](/en/answer/is-it-wrong-or-creepy-to-make-my-original-characters-experience-the-same-things-that-happened-to-me-i-use-this-as-a-way-to-process-and-relate-to-my-experiences-since-i-havent-met-other-survivors-and-d)

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#### How do I continue to heal while attempting to build a new relationship? How do I break old habits of dependency or fear of my partner?

🇺🇸

Thank you for asking this question. We are proud of you for prioritzing your healing while building new relationships. Healing while building a new relationship requires self-awareness, patience, and open communication with your partner. To start, honor your feelings. It is okay to slowly build trust and have the people in your life earn it. Be kind and patient with yourself.

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#### I think I have feelings of love toward the person who abused me and I'm struggling to understand and cope with these emotions. Can you help me make sense of this?

🇰🇼

Thank you for sharing something so personal and challenging. Having feelings of love toward someone who has caused harm is an experience that many survivors face, and it often creates deep confusion and internal conflict. When abuse occurs within relationships, our emotional responses become incredibly complex. Our brains and hearts can hold seemingly contradictory feelings simultaneously - both care or attachment alongside fear or hurt. This is particularly common when the abuse occurred within a relationship that also had moments of co...

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#### How can I be in a functional relationship after experiencing trauma? Why do I feel so ashamed? Will I always feel this way?

🇺🇸

The trauma from previous experiences can make it extremely difficult to enter new relationships or to connect with someone new. It is not easy to be in a "functional" relationship when your trust has been broken or abused in the past. When you are healing from trauma, honor your feelings. It is okay to slowly build trust and have the people in your life earn it. Be kind and patient with yourself.

](/en/answer/how-can-i-be-in-a-functional-relationship-after-experiencing-trauma-why-do-i-feel-so-ashamed-will-i-always-feel-this-way-36 "The trauma from previous experiences can make it extremely difficult to enter new relationships or to connect with someone new. It is not easy to be in a \"functional\" relationship when your trust has been broken or abused in the past. When you are healing from trauma, honor your feelings. It is okay to slowly build trust and have the people in your life earn it. Be kind and patient with yourself.")

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#### After being groomed as a teen by someone older, all the relationships I seek out are with people around the same age as my assailant. I just don’t feel attracted to others. Is this normal. Can it be healthy?

🇺🇸

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. It takes courage to open up about such a sensitive and personal topic. I want you to know that your feelings and experiences are valid, and you're not alone in what you're going through. It's not uncommon for survivors of grooming and sexual abuse to be drawn to partners similar in age to their assailant. This pattern often stems from the trauma you experienced during a formative time in your life. I understand that might feel distressing or confusing. Let me expand on some potential reasons why y...

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#### I'm in a wonderful but very new one-month relationship, and my partner just told me he's entering a 90-day treatment program. I'm one year into my own healing journey and didn't realize how new he was to his. He's asked me to wait for him, but I'm unsure - it's difficult to put my life on hold without knowing if his feelings will change during treatment. A lot of healing can shift perspectives. What should I do?

🇨🇦

Thank you for reaching out to us. It is understandable that you're feeling uncertain about this relationship. While your connection feels meaningful, one month is a relatively short time to build the foundation needed for a 90-day separation, especially when both people are at different stages in their healing journeys.

](/en/answer/im-in-a-wonderful-but-very-new-one-month-relationship-and-my-partner-just-told-me-hes-entering-a-90-day-treatment-program-im-one-year-into-my-own-healing-journey-and-didnt-realize-how-new-he-was-to-his-hes-asked-me-to-wait-for-him-but-im-unsure-its-difficult-to-put-my-life-on-hold-without-knowing-if-his-feelings-will-change-during-treatment-a-lot-of-healing-can-shift-perspectives-what-should-i-do-303)

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#### Is a partner/spouse entitled to know about past sexual experiences or trauma, including incidents that occurred during childhood?

🇫🇷

Thank you for asking this question. No partner or spouse is automatically "entitled" to know everything about your past, including childhood sexual experiences or trauma. What you choose to share within your relationship is ultimately your decision, based on your comfort level, sense of safety, and the context of your relationship.

](/en/answer/is-a-partner-spouse-entitled-to-know-about-past-sexual-experiences-or-trauma-including-incidents-that-occurred-during-childhood-608 "Thank you for asking this question. No partner or spouse is automatically \"entitled\" to know everything about your past, including childhood sexual experiences or trauma. What you choose to share within your relationship is ultimately your decision, based on your comfort level, sense of safety, and the context of your relationship.")

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#### I have been in a relationship with my current significant other for about 5 months. They love me and treat me well. They know my past and make me feel safe. However, it has been hard for me to mentally move past my previous relationship, which had a lot of emotional abuse and sexual abuse. How do I get my brain out of the "survival" mode in relationships so I can truly love my partner the way they (and I) deserve?

🇺🇸

Thank you for reaching out to us. First and foremost, I want to acknowledge the strength you've shown in moving forward from an abusive relationship. The fact that you're now in a loving, supportive partnership is truly hopeful and a testament to your resilience.

](/en/answer/i-have-been-in-a-relationship-with-my-current-significant-other-for-about-5-months-they-love-me-and-treat-me-well-they-know-my-past-and-make-me-feel-safe-however-it-has-been-hard-for-me-to-mentally-move-past-my-previous-relationship-which-had-a-lot-of-emotional-abuse-and-sexual-abuse-how-do-i-get-my-brain-out-of-the-survival-mode-in-relationships-so-i-can-truly-love-my-partner-the-way-they-and-i-deserve-223 "I have been in a relationship with my current significant other for about 5 months. They love me and treat me well. They know my past and make me feel safe. However, it has been hard for me to mentally move past my previous relationship, which had a lot of emotional abuse and sexual abuse. How do I get my brain out of the \"survival\" mode in relationships so I can truly love my partner the way they (and I) deserve?")

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#### I'm a survivor of sexual assault who wants to pursue intimate relationships in the future, but I have specific concerns: First, I worry about experiencing flashbacks or other trauma responses during intimate moments, even when I want to be intimate. I'm concerned that past painful memories might interfere with my ability to stay present and continue with wanted intimacy. Second, I struggle with trust issues stemming from my assault. While I logically know there are trustworthy people, I fear potential boundary violations in future relationships. The assault has affected my basic trust in others. How can I work through these fears about intimacy and trust to eventually build healthy relationships?

🇺🇸

Thank you for trusting us with these important concerns about navigating future intimacy as a survivor. Let me help you understand both the physical and emotional aspects of what you're experiencing, as well as provide some concrete guidance that might be helpful for moving forward with healing and communication.

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#### I'm a survivor of childhood sexual abuse that started around age 10 and intensified at 15. I've never had consensual sex, and I struggle with intrusive thoughts and fantasies about my trauma - it's the only thing that triggers arousal for me, which fills me with intense shame and makes me question whether I was somehow responsible. I find myself obsessing over masturbation while simultaneously being terrified of real-world intimacy. I both crave and fear sexual relationships. Are these conflicting feelings normal for survivors? Why does the same trauma that makes me afraid of sex also make me want it? I feel so disgusting.

🇺🇸

I want to start by saying: you are not disgusting, you are not at fault, and your responses are actually very common among survivors. What you're experiencing - the mix of fear and desire, the intrusive thoughts, the shame, and even the trauma-related arousal - are all well-documented responses to sexual abuse. Many survivors struggle with these exact same feelings. This isn't happening because there's something wrong with you or because you wanted the abuse - it's happening because your brain and body were forced to process complex traum...

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#### My ex-boyfriend repeatedly touched me inappropriately in public after I clearly asked him to stop multiple times. At the time, I convinced myself I was okay with what happened, but now I realize how uncomfortable and violated it made me feel. It's been several months since we broke up, and I'm struggling with whether I should address this with him or if it's too late to say anything. How do I process these feelings, and what should I consider when deciding whether to confront him about his behavior?

🇨🇦

Thank you so much for reaching out to us and I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling this way about what happened. What you experienced was a clear violation of your boundaries and consent, and your feelings of discomfort and violation are completely valid.

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#### My grandmother's partner groomed me from a young age sexually assaulted me while I was drunk as an adult. My husband witnessed and stopped the assault. This has caused significant trauma and issues in our marriage. Now my husband is giving me an ultimatum: I must tell my grandmother about the assault and limit contact with her, or he will leave me. My grandmother is terminally ill with cancer. Is it fair for my husband to demand this of me? I'm not ready to tell my family, and I don't want to lose my grandmother before I have to. I'm also afraid that if I choose to leave instead, he'll tell my family anyway. What should I do?

🇺🇸

Wow. This is a really tough situation. Thank you for sharing it with us. To start, while your husband's concern for your well-being is understandable, issuing ultimatums in such sensitive matters is rarely productive and can add unnecessary pressure to an already traumatic situation. Putting you in that position is extremely unfair. Your healing process should proceed at your own pace, and forcing disclosure before you're ready could potentially be harmful to your mental health and family relationships.

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#### I'm a college student in therapy, working through a past sexual assault. There's someone in my English class I'm attracted to. We tried to plan a hike together but it fell through due to scheduling conflicts. I'm considering whether to suggest another meetup, maybe something different like having lunch again at the cafeteria. However, I'm hesitant, even though he's never done anything concerning. My fear about the hike, despite it being a normal activity, feels like a trauma response. I'm experiencing internal conflict - wanting connection while being afraid of it. Physical touch is particularly complicated for me now - it's my natural way of expressing affection, but past experiences have made it feel unsafe. How can I navigate these conflicting feelings about wanting to date while dealing with trust and safety concerns?

🇺🇸

Thank you for sharing your story with such honesty and self-awareness. I want to first acknowledge how insightful you are about your own reactions - recognizing your trauma response and understanding the complexity of your feelings about physical touch.

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#### I’m a sexual assault survivor that is currently in a healthy relationship. My boyfriend is aware of what I experienced as a child. He’s timid when it comes physical touch because he doesn’t want to trigger any past trauma. How can I reassure him that it’s okay to show affection?

🇺🇸

Thank you so much for this question. It's truly a testament to your strength that despite what you have been through, you have cultivated a healthy and supportive relationship with your boyfriend. His sensitivity to your past and desire not to trigger any painful memories demonstrates his care and respect for you.

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#### I'm looking for advice on managing dissociation from past trauma. I experienced sexually traumatic events in two previous relationships, but wasn't able to report what happened due to threats. Now I'm in a healthier relationship and would like advice on how to communicate my needs for support to my current boyfriend. How can I discuss this with him?

🇨🇦

Thank you so much for reaching out to us. Let me start by talking a bit about dissociation and then I can share some tips about how to discuss it with your current boyfriend. I want to take a moment to explain what's happening in your brain and body when you experience dissociation. Dissociation is actually your mind's clever way of protecting itself, like an automatic circuit breaker. Just as a circuit breaker cuts power to prevent damage from an electrical surge, dissociation creates a sense of disconnection to protect you from overwhelming...

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#### As a child, I experienced inappropriate sexual behavior from an older sibling. This included verbal comments, jokes, and expressions of romantic interest. Now, as an adult, I sometimes use crude humor, though not to the same extent. When my friends comment on my sense of humor, even lightheartedly, it triggers memories of the past abuse and makes me feel uncomfortable. I've been trying to reduce my use of sexual humor, but I'm unsure how to address this with my friends without revealing my traumatic past. How can I navigate this situation and set boundaries without disclosing information I'm not comfortable sharing?

🇺🇸

Thank you so much for reaching out to us for advice and for sharing this difficult experience. Your feelings and concerns are entirely valid and understandable. The inappropriate sexual behavior you experienced from your older sibling during childhood has clearly left a lasting impact, and it's completely normal for seemingly harmless comments from friends to trigger memories of past abuse.

](/en/answer/as-a-child-i-experienced-inappropriate-sexual-behavior-from-an-older-sibling-this-included-verbal-comments-jokes-and-expressions-of-romantic-interest-now-as-an-adult-i-sometimes-use-crude-humor-though-not-to-the-same-extent-when-my-friends-comment-on-my-sense-of-humor-even-lightheartedly-it-triggers-memories-of-the-past-abuse-and-makes-me-feel-uncomfortable-ive-been-trying-to-reduce-my-use-of-sexual-humor-but-im-unsure-how-to-address-this-with-my-friends-without-revealing-my-traumatic-past-how-can-i-navigate-this-situation-and-set-boundaries-without-disclosing-information-im-not-comfortable-sharing-166)

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#### Are there ways I can heal my trust issues in relationships?

🇺🇸

Entering into a relationship at any time can be messy. Relationships can build you up or tear you down. They can breed life or they can breed toxicity. However, even as one enters into a healthy relationship, the trauma from previous experiences can make it extremely difficult to connect with someone new. It is not easy to jump into relationships when your trust has been broken or abused in the past.

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#### Is it wrong or creepy to make my original characters experience the same things that happened to me? I use this as a way to process and relate to my experiences since I haven't met other survivors and don't feel comfortable talking about it. A friend recently called me a creep for doing this, even though they knew what I was going through when it was happening. I don't feel like it's fair if my characters don't suffer the way I did. I need something to relate to. Am I weird for this?

🇩🇿

You are absolutely not a creep, and you are not weird. What you're describing is actually a common and legitimate way that many trauma survivors process their experiences. Using creative expression, including writing characters who have gone through similar experiences of sexual assault, is a recognized coping mechanism and can be part of healing.

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#### How can I be in a functional relationship after experiencing trauma? Why do I feel so ashamed? Will I always feel this way?

🇺🇸

The trauma from previous experiences can make it extremely difficult to enter new relationships or to connect with someone new. It is not easy to be in a "functional" relationship when your trust has been broken or abused in the past. When you are healing from trauma, honor your feelings. It is okay to slowly build trust and have the people in your life earn it. Be kind and patient with yourself.

](/en/answer/how-can-i-be-in-a-functional-relationship-after-experiencing-trauma-why-do-i-feel-so-ashamed-will-i-always-feel-this-way-36 "The trauma from previous experiences can make it extremely difficult to enter new relationships or to connect with someone new. It is not easy to be in a \"functional\" relationship when your trust has been broken or abused in the past. When you are healing from trauma, honor your feelings. It is okay to slowly build trust and have the people in your life earn it. Be kind and patient with yourself.")

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#### Is a partner/spouse entitled to know about past sexual experiences or trauma, including incidents that occurred during childhood?

🇫🇷

Thank you for asking this question. No partner or spouse is automatically "entitled" to know everything about your past, including childhood sexual experiences or trauma. What you choose to share within your relationship is ultimately your decision, based on your comfort level, sense of safety, and the context of your relationship.

](/en/answer/is-a-partner-spouse-entitled-to-know-about-past-sexual-experiences-or-trauma-including-incidents-that-occurred-during-childhood-608 "Thank you for asking this question. No partner or spouse is automatically \"entitled\" to know everything about your past, including childhood sexual experiences or trauma. What you choose to share within your relationship is ultimately your decision, based on your comfort level, sense of safety, and the context of your relationship.")

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#### I'm a survivor of childhood sexual abuse that started around age 10 and intensified at 15. I've never had consensual sex, and I struggle with intrusive thoughts and fantasies about my trauma - it's the only thing that triggers arousal for me, which fills me with intense shame and makes me question whether I was somehow responsible. I find myself obsessing over masturbation while simultaneously being terrified of real-world intimacy. I both crave and fear sexual relationships. Are these conflicting feelings normal for survivors? Why does the same trauma that makes me afraid of sex also make me want it? I feel so disgusting.

🇺🇸

I want to start by saying: you are not disgusting, you are not at fault, and your responses are actually very common among survivors. What you're experiencing - the mix of fear and desire, the intrusive thoughts, the shame, and even the trauma-related arousal - are all well-documented responses to sexual abuse. Many survivors struggle with these exact same feelings. This isn't happening because there's something wrong with you or because you wanted the abuse - it's happening because your brain and body were forced to process complex traum...

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#### I'm a college student in therapy, working through a past sexual assault. There's someone in my English class I'm attracted to. We tried to plan a hike together but it fell through due to scheduling conflicts. I'm considering whether to suggest another meetup, maybe something different like having lunch again at the cafeteria. However, I'm hesitant, even though he's never done anything concerning. My fear about the hike, despite it being a normal activity, feels like a trauma response. I'm experiencing internal conflict - wanting connection while being afraid of it. Physical touch is particularly complicated for me now - it's my natural way of expressing affection, but past experiences have made it feel unsafe. How can I navigate these conflicting feelings about wanting to date while dealing with trust and safety concerns?

🇺🇸

Thank you for sharing your story with such honesty and self-awareness. I want to first acknowledge how insightful you are about your own reactions - recognizing your trauma response and understanding the complexity of your feelings about physical touch.

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#### As a child, I experienced inappropriate sexual behavior from an older sibling. This included verbal comments, jokes, and expressions of romantic interest. Now, as an adult, I sometimes use crude humor, though not to the same extent. When my friends comment on my sense of humor, even lightheartedly, it triggers memories of the past abuse and makes me feel uncomfortable. I've been trying to reduce my use of sexual humor, but I'm unsure how to address this with my friends without revealing my traumatic past. How can I navigate this situation and set boundaries without disclosing information I'm not comfortable sharing?

🇺🇸

Thank you so much for reaching out to us for advice and for sharing this difficult experience. Your feelings and concerns are entirely valid and understandable. The inappropriate sexual behavior you experienced from your older sibling during childhood has clearly left a lasting impact, and it's completely normal for seemingly harmless comments from friends to trigger memories of past abuse.

](/en/answer/as-a-child-i-experienced-inappropriate-sexual-behavior-from-an-older-sibling-this-included-verbal-comments-jokes-and-expressions-of-romantic-interest-now-as-an-adult-i-sometimes-use-crude-humor-though-not-to-the-same-extent-when-my-friends-comment-on-my-sense-of-humor-even-lightheartedly-it-triggers-memories-of-the-past-abuse-and-makes-me-feel-uncomfortable-ive-been-trying-to-reduce-my-use-of-sexual-humor-but-im-unsure-how-to-address-this-with-my-friends-without-revealing-my-traumatic-past-how-can-i-navigate-this-situation-and-set-boundaries-without-disclosing-information-im-not-comfortable-sharing-166)

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#### Are we as survivors still able to be loved?

🇺🇸

Thank you for trusting us with this emotional question. Of course survivors of violence and abuse can be loved. You are absolutely worthy and deserving of love, care, and healthy relationships. Experiencing violence or abuse does not define you or diminish your value as a person in any way. While trauma can certainly impact how we view ourselves and interact with others, it does not make us unlovable or less deserving of compassion and affection.

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#### How do I continue to heal while attempting to build a new relationship? How do I break old habits of dependency or fear of my partner?

🇺🇸

Thank you for asking this question. We are proud of you for prioritzing your healing while building new relationships. Healing while building a new relationship requires self-awareness, patience, and open communication with your partner. To start, honor your feelings. It is okay to slowly build trust and have the people in your life earn it. Be kind and patient with yourself.

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#### After being groomed as a teen by someone older, all the relationships I seek out are with people around the same age as my assailant. I just don’t feel attracted to others. Is this normal. Can it be healthy?

🇺🇸

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. It takes courage to open up about such a sensitive and personal topic. I want you to know that your feelings and experiences are valid, and you're not alone in what you're going through. It's not uncommon for survivors of grooming and sexual abuse to be drawn to partners similar in age to their assailant. This pattern often stems from the trauma you experienced during a formative time in your life. I understand that might feel distressing or confusing. Let me expand on some potential reasons why y...

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#### I have been in a relationship with my current significant other for about 5 months. They love me and treat me well. They know my past and make me feel safe. However, it has been hard for me to mentally move past my previous relationship, which had a lot of emotional abuse and sexual abuse. How do I get my brain out of the "survival" mode in relationships so I can truly love my partner the way they (and I) deserve?

🇺🇸

Thank you for reaching out to us. First and foremost, I want to acknowledge the strength you've shown in moving forward from an abusive relationship. The fact that you're now in a loving, supportive partnership is truly hopeful and a testament to your resilience.

](/en/answer/i-have-been-in-a-relationship-with-my-current-significant-other-for-about-5-months-they-love-me-and-treat-me-well-they-know-my-past-and-make-me-feel-safe-however-it-has-been-hard-for-me-to-mentally-move-past-my-previous-relationship-which-had-a-lot-of-emotional-abuse-and-sexual-abuse-how-do-i-get-my-brain-out-of-the-survival-mode-in-relationships-so-i-can-truly-love-my-partner-the-way-they-and-i-deserve-223 "I have been in a relationship with my current significant other for about 5 months. They love me and treat me well. They know my past and make me feel safe. However, it has been hard for me to mentally move past my previous relationship, which had a lot of emotional abuse and sexual abuse. How do I get my brain out of the \"survival\" mode in relationships so I can truly love my partner the way they (and I) deserve?")

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#### My ex-boyfriend repeatedly touched me inappropriately in public after I clearly asked him to stop multiple times. At the time, I convinced myself I was okay with what happened, but now I realize how uncomfortable and violated it made me feel. It's been several months since we broke up, and I'm struggling with whether I should address this with him or if it's too late to say anything. How do I process these feelings, and what should I consider when deciding whether to confront him about his behavior?

🇨🇦

Thank you so much for reaching out to us and I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling this way about what happened. What you experienced was a clear violation of your boundaries and consent, and your feelings of discomfort and violation are completely valid.

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#### I’m a sexual assault survivor that is currently in a healthy relationship. My boyfriend is aware of what I experienced as a child. He’s timid when it comes physical touch because he doesn’t want to trigger any past trauma. How can I reassure him that it’s okay to show affection?

🇺🇸

Thank you so much for this question. It's truly a testament to your strength that despite what you have been through, you have cultivated a healthy and supportive relationship with your boyfriend. His sensitivity to your past and desire not to trigger any painful memories demonstrates his care and respect for you.

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#### How do I deal with family members who do not take my traumatic history seriously?

🇺🇸

It can be incredibly upsetting and frustrating to deal with people who don’t take your traμma seriously, particularly when those people are your own family. People often misunderstand what traμma actually is and the different ways it can affect someone.

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#### I think I have feelings of love toward the person who abused me and I'm struggling to understand and cope with these emotions. Can you help me make sense of this?

🇰🇼

Thank you for sharing something so personal and challenging. Having feelings of love toward someone who has caused harm is an experience that many survivors face, and it often creates deep confusion and internal conflict. When abuse occurs within relationships, our emotional responses become incredibly complex. Our brains and hearts can hold seemingly contradictory feelings simultaneously - both care or attachment alongside fear or hurt. This is particularly common when the abuse occurred within a relationship that also had moments of co...

](/en/answer/i-think-i-have-feelings-of-love-toward-the-person-who-abused-me-and-im-struggling-to-understand-and-cope-with-these-emotions-can-you-help-me-make-sense-of-this-404)

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#### I'm in a wonderful but very new one-month relationship, and my partner just told me he's entering a 90-day treatment program. I'm one year into my own healing journey and didn't realize how new he was to his. He's asked me to wait for him, but I'm unsure - it's difficult to put my life on hold without knowing if his feelings will change during treatment. A lot of healing can shift perspectives. What should I do?

🇨🇦

Thank you for reaching out to us. It is understandable that you're feeling uncertain about this relationship. While your connection feels meaningful, one month is a relatively short time to build the foundation needed for a 90-day separation, especially when both people are at different stages in their healing journeys.

](/en/answer/im-in-a-wonderful-but-very-new-one-month-relationship-and-my-partner-just-told-me-hes-entering-a-90-day-treatment-program-im-one-year-into-my-own-healing-journey-and-didnt-realize-how-new-he-was-to-his-hes-asked-me-to-wait-for-him-but-im-unsure-its-difficult-to-put-my-life-on-hold-without-knowing-if-his-feelings-will-change-during-treatment-a-lot-of-healing-can-shift-perspectives-what-should-i-do-303)

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[

#### I'm a survivor of sexual assault who wants to pursue intimate relationships in the future, but I have specific concerns: First, I worry about experiencing flashbacks or other trauma responses during intimate moments, even when I want to be intimate. I'm concerned that past painful memories might interfere with my ability to stay present and continue with wanted intimacy. Second, I struggle with trust issues stemming from my assault. While I logically know there are trustworthy people, I fear potential boundary violations in future relationships. The assault has affected my basic trust in others. How can I work through these fears about intimacy and trust to eventually build healthy relationships?

🇺🇸

Thank you for trusting us with these important concerns about navigating future intimacy as a survivor. Let me help you understand both the physical and emotional aspects of what you're experiencing, as well as provide some concrete guidance that might be helpful for moving forward with healing and communication.

](/en/answer/im-a-survivor-of-sexual-assault-who-wants-to-pursue-intimate-relationships-in-the-future-but-i-have-specific-concerns-first-i-worry-about-experiencing-flashbacks-or-other-trauma-responses-during-intim)

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[

#### My grandmother's partner groomed me from a young age sexually assaulted me while I was drunk as an adult. My husband witnessed and stopped the assault. This has caused significant trauma and issues in our marriage. Now my husband is giving me an ultimatum: I must tell my grandmother about the assault and limit contact with her, or he will leave me. My grandmother is terminally ill with cancer. Is it fair for my husband to demand this of me? I'm not ready to tell my family, and I don't want to lose my grandmother before I have to. I'm also afraid that if I choose to leave instead, he'll tell my family anyway. What should I do?

🇺🇸

Wow. This is a really tough situation. Thank you for sharing it with us. To start, while your husband's concern for your well-being is understandable, issuing ultimatums in such sensitive matters is rarely productive and can add unnecessary pressure to an already traumatic situation. Putting you in that position is extremely unfair. Your healing process should proceed at your own pace, and forcing disclosure before you're ready could potentially be harmful to your mental health and family relationships.

](/en/answer/my-grandmothers-partner-groomed-me-from-a-young-age-sexually-assaulted-me-while-i-was-drunk-as-an-adult-my-husband-witnessed-and-stopped-the-assault-this-has-caused-significant-trauma-and-issues-in-our-marriage-now-my-husband-is-giving-me-an-ultimatum-i-must-tell-my-grandmother-about-the-assault-and-limit-contact-with-her-or-he-will-leave-me-my-grandmother-is-terminally-ill-with-cancer-is-it-fair-for-my-husband-to-demand-this-of-me-im-not-ready-to-tell-my-family-and-i-dont-want-to-lose-my-grandmother-before-i-have-to-im-also-afraid-that-if-i-choose-to-leave-instead-hell-tell-my-family-anyway-what-should-i-do-178)

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[

#### I'm looking for advice on managing dissociation from past trauma. I experienced sexually traumatic events in two previous relationships, but wasn't able to report what happened due to threats. Now I'm in a healthier relationship and would like advice on how to communicate my needs for support to my current boyfriend. How can I discuss this with him?

🇨🇦

Thank you so much for reaching out to us. Let me start by talking a bit about dissociation and then I can share some tips about how to discuss it with your current boyfriend. I want to take a moment to explain what's happening in your brain and body when you experience dissociation. Dissociation is actually your mind's clever way of protecting itself, like an automatic circuit breaker. Just as a circuit breaker cuts power to prevent damage from an electrical surge, dissociation creates a sense of disconnection to protect you from overwhelming...

](/en/answer/im-looking-for-advice-on-managing-dissociation-from-past-trauma-i-experienced-sexually-traumatic-events-in-two-previous-relationships-but-wasnt-able-to-report-what-happened-due-to-threats-now-im-in-a-healthier-relationship-and-would-like-advice-on-how-to-communicate-my-needs-for-support-to-my-current-boyfriend-how-can-i-discuss-this-with-him-311)

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## More topics

[

Making sense of childhood experiences

](/en/learn/topics/making-sense-of-childhood-experiences)[

Understanding specific types of trauma and harm

](/en/learn/topics/understanding-specific-types-of-trauma-and-harm)[

Making sense of adult experiences

](/en/learn/topics/making-sense-of-adult-experiences)[

Managing emotions and how you feel in your body

](/en/learn/topics/managing-emotions-and-how-you-feel-in-your-body)[

Seeking help after trauma

](/en/learn/topics/seeking-help-after-trauma)[

Sex, sexuality, and intimacy after trauma

](/en/learn/topics/sex-sexuality-and-intimacy-after-trauma)

[See all topics](/en/learn/topics)

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Grounding activity

Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud:

5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window)

4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?)

3 – things you can hear

2 – things you can smell

1 – thing you like about yourself.

Take a deep breath to end.

From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at.

Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one).

Take a deep breath to end.

Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud:

1\. Where am I?

2\. What day of the week is today?

3\. What is today’s date?

4\. What is the current month?

5\. What is the current year?

6\. How old am I?

7\. What season is it?

Take a deep breath to end.

Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder.

Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud.

Take a deep breath to end.

Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment.

Take a deep breath to end.

Try another grounding activity

I feel grounded and ready