---
title: Managing emotions and how you feel in your body: Expert Answers ~ Our Wave
description: Managing emotions and how you feel in your body: 83 survivor questions answered by trauma-informed experts in the Our Wave community.
url: https://community.ourwave.org/en/learn/topics/managing-emotions-and-how-you-feel-in-your-body.md
---

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# Managing emotions and how you feel in your body

Ask a question

Questions about the feelings and body responses trauma can leave behind, such as anxiety, numbness, flashbacks and trouble with touch, and ways to cope.

83 questions from survivors on this topic, each answered by a trauma-informed expert.

[

#### Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

🇺🇸

It is not uncommon for survivors to experience a wide range of confusing and conflicting emotions and sensations after their assault, including sexual arousal. This can be especially distressing for individuals who may feel guilty or ashamed for feeling aroused in response to a traumatic event.

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15 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

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[

#### Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

🇺🇸

Thank you so much for trusting us with this extremely difficult question. Please know you are not alone and this does not invalidate the trauma you experienced. Arousal during sexual assault is a possible, but involuntary physiological response that does not imply consent or enjoyment. Resist the feelings of shame and self-blame that you are feeling. It is not your fault and your experiences are valid.

](/en/answer/is-it-normal-to-have-experienced-pleasure-during-an-assault-i-think-i-may-have-had-an-orgasm-but-im-not-sure-i-feel-so-betrayed-by-my-body-im-just-too-embarrassed-and-ashamed-to-ask-my-therapist-87)

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[

#### How can I deal with “bad days” when I am healing from trauma?

🇺🇸

Healing from trauma is not a linear process, and it’s common and completely normal to have days that feel a lot worse than others. Having a bad day does not mean you are not improving. It does not mean that you are getting worse. If you take a step back and think about where you were when you first began your healing process, it can help you see the larger picture and find the improvements you have made and the growth you’ve experienced.

](/en/answer/how-can-i-deal-with-bad-days-when-i-am-healing-from-trauma-45)

5 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

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[

#### How do I understand why something triggers me?

🇺🇸

Highly emotional & stressful experiences “trigger” a part of the brain called the amygdala. Usually, the amygdala is helpful and works to keep us safe from dangerous situations by activating a fear response. After a ​traumatic experience, the amygdala can become overactive, causing fear responses even if you are not in any danger. Your reaction may be to fight, flee, or freeze, interfering with daily tasks and functioning, even if you’re in a completely safe situation.

](/en/answer/how-do-i-understand-why-something-triggers-me-54)

7 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

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[

#### I got assaulted, but I don’t really feel anything...is something wrong with me?

🇺🇸

The short answer is...no not at all. It is quite common for survivors to feel emotionally detached or drained after experiencing an assault, perhaps even at times feeling unaware of what is happening around them. Survivors can also experience feelings of denial, disbelief, or numbness as a reaction to their assault experience. These reactions should never be confused with "not caring" or with the assault being “not serious.” These feelings are how our body is coping with our experience, protecting us from its intensity. The body’s reaction to...

](/en/answer/i-got-assaulted-but-i-dont-really-feel-anything-is-something-wrong-with-me-2 "The short answer is...no not at all. It is quite common for survivors to feel emotionally detached or drained after experiencing an assault, perhaps even at times feeling unaware of what is happening around them. Survivors can also experience feelings of denial, disbelief, or numbness as a reaction to their assault experience. These reactions should never be confused with \"not caring\" or with the assault being “not serious.” These feelings are how our body is coping with our experience, protecting us from its intensity. The body’s reaction to...")

3 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

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[

#### I think I might've been groomed and sexually abused as a child, but my memory feels very scrambled. I feel guilty for thinking I might've been assaulted, what do I do?

🇺🇸

Thank you so much for trusting us with this question. To start, you are not alone. It is quite common for individuals who are processing childhood trauma to feel guilt, shame, and confusion. It is also common for survivors to not want to believe what happened to them was real, or for them to have memory gaps surrounding certain details of these events. Only you know what you have experienced, but here are some of our thoughts below.

](/en/answer/i-think-i-mightve-been-groomed-and-sexually-abused-as-a-child-but-my-memory-feels-very-scrambled-i-feel-guilty-for-thinking-i-mightve-been-assaulted-what-do-i-do-63)

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[

#### What is self-blame and how can I manage it?

🇺🇸

Self-blame is a complicated feeling that often accompanies past abuse or trauma. Self-blame can be felt for a variety of reasons. For example, sometimes survivors feel that their behavior encouraged or caused harm to occur to them. Other times survivors may blame themselves for the trauma symptoms they carry afterwards or “not healing fast enough.”

](/en/answer/what-is-self-blame-and-how-can-i-manage-it-47)

1 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

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[

#### How do I make this discomfort and confusion to go away?

🇧🇭

Thank you for asking this question and we are sorry you are dealing with so much discomfort and confusion. Those are some really challenging feelings to work through, but you are not alone. We want to start by saying that it is perfectly normal to feel discomfort and confusion after experiencing sexual violence. These feelings do not need to last forever, however, and will decrease over time.

](/en/answer/how-do-i-make-this-discomfort-and-confusion-to-go-away-39)

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[

#### Why does being assaulted or abused make some victims feel "dirty" or disgusted with themselves a lot of the time?

🇰🇼

Thank you for this question. This is a difficult and painful topic to discuss, but it is an extremely common sentiment that people have after experiencing assault or abuse. If you experienced assault or abuse and are feeling this way, you are not alone. Many survivors struggle with these feelings of being "dirty" or disgusted with themselves, and there are several reasons why this happens.

](/en/answer/why-does-being-assaulted-or-abused-make-some-victims-feel-dirty-or-disgusted-with-themselves-a-lot-of-the-time-243 "Thank you for this question. This is a difficult and painful topic to discuss, but it is an extremely common sentiment that people have after experiencing assault or abuse. If you experienced assault or abuse and are feeling this way, you are not alone. Many survivors struggle with these feelings of being \"dirty\" or disgusted with themselves, and there are several reasons why this happens.")

1 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

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[

#### How can I cope with the fact there are parts of my trauma and abuse I will never understand, know, or remember?

🇺🇸

Thank you so much for asking this question. Many survivors navigate complex emotions, uncertainties, and gaps in their memories as they embark on their paths towards healing. This can be challenging to cope with, particularly when the effects of this trauma start to impact your daily life.

](/en/answer/how-can-i-cope-with-the-fact-there-are-parts-of-my-trauma-and-abuse-i-will-never-understand-know-or-remember-86)

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[

#### Is there a way to relieve nausea I am feeling after being assaulted?

🇰🇼

I am so sorry you are feeing nausea that won't subside after your assault. While this is a common and understandable physicological response to trauma, hat sounds extremely uncomfortable. When you go through a traumatic event like an assault, your body's stress response system is activated, triggering the release of stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline. This is part of the "fight, flight, or freeze" response, an instinctive reaction to perceived threats. These hormones can affect various bodily functions, including your digest...

](/en/answer/is-there-a-way-to-relieve-nausea-i-am-feeling-after-being-assaulted-278 "I am so sorry you are feeing nausea that won't subside after your assault. While this is a common and understandable physicological response to trauma, hat sounds extremely uncomfortable. 
When you go through a traumatic event like an assault, your body's stress response system is activated, triggering the release of stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline. This is part of the \"fight, flight, or freeze\" response, an instinctive reaction to perceived threats. These hormones can affect various bodily functions, including your digest...")

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

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[

#### How can I deal with the mental and cognitive impacts of my trauma?

🇺🇸

Most people experience some form of emotional or cognitive symptoms after trauma. But, just because it’s common doesn’t mean that it’s always easy to cope with. Some common emotional effects of trauma are fear, numbness or detachment, heightened emotional reactivity, depression, guilt, and irritability. Some common cognitive effects include difficulties concentrating or remembering things, nightmares, disorientation, or intrusive thoughts.

](/en/answer/how-can-i-deal-with-the-mental-and-cognitive-impacts-of-my-trauma-49)

1 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

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[

#### Is it normal for me to miss the person who assaulted me? I even feel jealous when I learn other people get their attention positively or even negatively.

🇺🇸

Thank you for this question. When a person is assaulted, they may experience a variety of emotions in the aftermath, some of which may include feelings of attachment or longing towards the person who caused them harm. These feelings can be confusing and distressing, but it's important to remember that they do not diminish the seriousness of the assault you experienced.

](/en/answer/is-it-normal-for-me-to-miss-the-person-who-assaulted-me-i-even-feel-jealous-when-i-learn-other-people-get-their-attention-positively-or-even-negatively-69)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

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[

#### How do you work through the triggers from trauma in your daily life?

🇺🇸

Triggers are emotional reactions produced by the part of our brain called the amygdala. The amygdala activates the fight or flight response our bodies have when we feel that our lives are in danger. Our neural systems cannot tell the difference between emotional threats and physical ones, so our bodies respond similarly in both situations. When triggered, our bodies attempt to protect us by releasing stress-related hormones and peptides. A trigger is a response that seems disproportionate to the event that transpired.

](/en/answer/how-do-you-work-through-the-triggers-from-trauma-in-your-daily-life-10)

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[

#### Why do I self-harm and what is the best way to stop?

🇺🇸

First of all, talking about self-injury is really hard, so thank you for asking this question. We have asked our favorite psychiatrist to help answer this. We promise you, tons of other people are wondering the same thing. We believe in honest conversations about uncomfortable topics, ​but sometimes talking about self-injury can be triggering. If now is not a good time, bookmark this post for later. If you need help, The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available 24/7 at 800-273-8255.

](/en/answer/why-do-i-self-harm-and-what-is-the-best-way-to-stop-17)

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

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[

#### I don’t talk about my assault to my therapist because I’m scared to relive it, how do I move on?

🇺🇸

Talking about your trauma can be challenging, especially when recalling it triggers painful memories. Despite this, many people say disclosing their trauma to a trained professional can be helpful. It can be difficult to balance keeping yourself safe while allowing space for healing, however, so here are some tips.

](/en/answer/i-dont-talk-about-my-assault-to-my-therapist-im-scared-to-relive-it-how-do-i-move-on-15)

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[

#### Is it normal to feel so much guilt and shame even years after the rape I experienced at the hands of my then boyfriend? He has lied and deceived me and that has added to my trauma. I also have incomplete memories of the event that I cannot remember clearly.

🇮🇪

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us. It is not uncommon for survivors of sexual violence to experience lingering feelings of guilt and shame even years after abuse, especially when the assault was perpetrated by someone they trusted such as a partner. Particularly if there are complicating factors such as deceit and memory gaps, making sense of and managing this shame can be especially difficult.

](/en/answer/is-it-normal-to-feel-so-much-guilt-and-shame-even-years-after-the-rape-i-experienced-at-the-hands-of-my-then-boyfriend-he-has-lied-and-deceived-me-and-that-has-added-to-my-trauma-i-also-have-incomplete-memories-of-the-event-that-i-cannot-remember-clearly-95)

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[

#### Does anyone else feel like you made everything up? Like it’s all fake and it never happened?

🇺🇸

Many times after a traumatic event, our brains can feel disorganized and chaotic. "Am I remembering it wrong?" "Maybe it didn't happen like that." "Did I make that part up?" These questions are not uncommon to have. Sometimes, your brain can evoke a defense mechanism which represses your memory of the trauma, or perhaps due to the stress of the moment, you may only remember very specific details of your experience. Trauma memories are often not as coherent as regular ones. You may remember something specific like a smell, a sensation, or feeli...

](/en/answer/does-anyone-feel-like-you-made-everything-up-like-its-all-fake-and-never-happened-11 "Many times after a traumatic event, our brains can feel disorganized and chaotic. \"Am I remembering it wrong?\" \"Maybe it didn't happen like that.\" \"Did I make that part up?\" These questions are not uncommon to have.
Sometimes, your brain can evoke a defense mechanism which represses your memory of the trauma, or perhaps due to the stress of the moment, you may only remember very specific details of your experience. Trauma memories are often not as coherent as regular ones. You may remember something specific like a smell, a sensation, or feeli...")

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[

#### What are ways to deal with guilt over inability to trust loved ones?

🇰🇼

Thank you for opening up about these feelings of guilt. It's important for you to know that struggling to trust loved ones after experiencing trauma is a completely normal and understandable response. Your mind is trying to protect you, and while it may feel frustrating or isolating at times, it's not a reflection of your worth or your care for those around you.

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#### Is it normal for me to begin to forget my assault? I feel as though I am making progress and now I am forgetting what it was like to be assaulted and the memories are fading. Does this mean I overplayed the event or is this normal?

🇺🇸

Thank you for asking this question. It's common for people who experience sexual assault to experience changes in their traumatic memories over time. While some of that may be related to the passing of time generally, memories of traumatic events specifically can be especially fragmented, disjointed, or difficult to recall in the future. For some survivors, memories may become more vivid over time. For others, their memories might become more fuzzy or distant. Both are equally valid responses to traumatic events.

](/en/answer/is-it-normal-for-me-to-begin-to-forget-my-assault-i-feel-as-though-i-am-making-progress-and-now-i-am-forgetting-what-it-was-like-to-be-assaulted-and-the-memories-are-fading-does-this-mean-i-overplayed-the-event-or-is-this-normal-70)

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[

#### How long does it take for your mind to feel calm again after leaving a relationship? I broke up with my boyfriend 4 months ago and my mind feels so busy with memories of when he hurt me emotionally and sexually, mixed with memories of when he was nice to me. I feel alone and tired 💔

🇬🇧

Thank you for trusting us with your feelings. You are not alone. It is entirely normal to wish for a calmer mind and to wonder when you'll finally get some peace from such painful, conflicting memories. While four months can feel like an eternity when you are struggling, it makes sense that your mind still feels busy and exhausted. It sounds like you have a lot to process. Your brain is doing important work right now, even though it feels overwhelming and tiring.

](/en/answer/how-long-does-it-take-for-your-mind-to-feel-calm-again-after-leaving-a-relationship-i-broke-up-with-my-boyfriend-4-months-ago-and-my-mind-feels-so-busy-with-memories-of-when-he-hurt-me-emotionally-and)

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[

#### Why is it so difficult for me to manage my emotions?

🇺🇸

When you experience something traumatic, your body temporarily goes into “fight or flight mode,” meaning that it is adapting to stressful stimuli and going into survival mode to protect itself. Unfortunately, sometimes even when the threat has passed, particularly when it was chronic or repeated, your body can become stuck in that state of high alert.

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[NO MORE Silence, Speak Your Truth Community](https://stories.nomore.org)

[

#### What should I do about my anger towards the perpetrator?

🇯🇵

First, let me tell you that feeling anger towards someone who has hurt you is a very natural and valid reaction. There is no need to blame yourself or feel ashamed of your feelings, thinking, "I shouldn't be feeling this way" or "I should forgive the other person." The fact that you feel anger speaks to the fact that you have been hurt. Sometimes, anger can come over you in waves so strong that it's hard to process. Anger is a natural response to injustice and unfairness, especially when your important boundaries and dignity are violated. If y...

](/en/answer/what-should-i-do-about-my-anger-towards-the-perpetrator-824 "First, let me tell you that feeling anger towards someone who has hurt you is a very natural and valid reaction. There is no need to blame yourself or feel ashamed of your feelings, thinking, \"I shouldn't be feeling this way\" or \"I should forgive the other person.\" The fact that you feel anger speaks to the fact that you have been hurt. Sometimes, anger can come over you in waves so strong that it's hard to process. Anger is a natural response to injustice and unfairness, especially when your important boundaries and dignity are violated. If y...")

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#### There is so much going on in the world. My trauma feels insignificant compared to what others are going through. How do I manage that?

🇺🇸

There is something about our current state that can make any personal trauma feel unworthy. How can I feel this pain when I have a roof over my head? When I have a job? When I am healthy? While this reframing and acknowledgement of the intensity of others’ suffering is an important empathetic response, it also can harm our own processing of the events that impact us.

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#### How do I continue to heal while attempting to build a new relationship? How do I break old habits of dependency or fear of my partner?

🇺🇸

Thank you for asking this question. We are proud of you for prioritzing your healing while building new relationships. Healing while building a new relationship requires self-awareness, patience, and open communication with your partner. To start, honor your feelings. It is okay to slowly build trust and have the people in your life earn it. Be kind and patient with yourself.

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#### How can I learn to manage the anger, frustration, and aggression I feel?

🇿🇦

Thank you so much for this question. After we experience trauma and violence, we may experience a multitude of feelings, many of which can involve anger or frustration. We may feel angry that this happened to us. That life is not fair and that the world is not safe. We also may feel angry at our perpetrator or at people or systems in our lives that did not support us the way we deserve. Know that experiencing anger is healthy, normal, and okay. You are allowed to be angry. What you do with that anger, however, is something that you can learn t...

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#### I’m incredibly anxious about being harmed again. I'm scared to leave my house. What can I do about this?

🇰🇼

Thank you for reaching out to us. I understand how frightening and overwhelming your situation feels right now. It's completely natural to experience anxiety and fear after being harmed, and your desire to stay home where you feel safe is a normal response to trauma. However, it's important to remember that you have the strength within you to overcome these feelings and reclaim a sense of freedom in your life.

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#### I was sexually groomed and abused for years as a child. Now, as an adult, I frequently have sexual fantasies about being raped, even though I know I wouldn't actually want it to happen. I've been married for 21 years to a loving, understanding husband who knows about my past trauma. However, I only find sex with him truly exciting when it feels 'wrong' or forbidden. I'm rarely turned on by my husband's loving and trauma-aware approach, though I've never told him about my fantasies. I feel like something is broken in my mind and I want to understand and fix it. Can you explain why I'm struggling with this?

🇺🇸

First and foremost, I want to assure you that you are not broken. Your experiences and feelings, while distressing to you, are actually quite common among survivors of childhood sexual abuse and grooming. What you're describing is a complex response to trauma that many survivors grapple with.

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#### I've been in therapy for two years processing sexual trauma. Recently, I've started experiencing physical arousal when thinking about or processing the assault. This is particularly distressing since I'm gay and the assault was by someone of the opposite sex. Are these physical responses normal during trauma processing?

🇺🇸

Thank you for asking this. Physical arousal during trauma processing is a common and normal physiological response that many survivors experience, though it can feel deeply confusing and distressing. Our bodies can react to traumatic memories in complex ways, even when the experiences are painful or go against our sexual orientation. These responses occur because our nervous system remembers and can react to any type of touch or sexual content, whether wanted or unwanted.

](/en/answer/ive-been-in-therapy-for-two-years-processing-sexual-trauma-recently-ive-started-experiencing-physical-arousal-when-thinking-about-or-processing-the-assault-this-is-particularly-distressing-since-im-gay-and-the-assault-was-by-someone-of-the-opposite-sex-are-these-physical-responses-normal-during-trauma-processing-338)

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[

#### I was assaulted 6 years ago, but the memories are just beginning to flow back. I think about it every other day and it’s been causing me a lot of stress and depression. Could this be a sign that it was traumatic?

🇺🇸

Thank you for sharing this difficult experience. What you're describing is not uncommon for survivors of assault, and your feelings are entirely valid. First, let's define trauma. Individual trauma results from an event, series of events, or set of circumstances that is experienced by an individual as physically or emotionally harmful or life threatening and that has lasting adverse effects on the individual’s functioning and mental, physical, social, emotional, or spiritual well-being. It's important to note that trauma is subject...

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[

#### I feel sick all the time after experiencing trauma. I'm scared of everyone and can't feel safe, even with my friends. Nowhere feels safe, nothing feels secure, and I'm exhausted. I don't know how to navigate this pain that won't go away. I don't know who to ask for help or what I would even say. I just wish it all would leave me alone, but it never does. Could you tell me that it's going to be okay and that I'm safe?

🇺🇸

I hear how much pain and exhaustion you are feeling right now. While I can't personally guarantee your safety, I do want to assure you that healing is possible. Hang on to hope. The constant fear and sickness you're describing are common responses to trauma - you're not alone in feeling this way, and you're not wrong for having these reactions.

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[

#### I was sexually coerced by a friend of mine. I feel so guilty for avoiding him and feel as though I am doing the wrong thing, but I oscillate between hating him and not wanting him to feel bad/excluded. I hate feeling this way. Is this normal after assault by a friend?

🇦🇺

Thank you so much for this question. It can be so difficult to navigate situations when we are in social circles with people who have caused us harm in the past. The feelings you are feeling, while challenging, are not uncommon for people who have experienced sexual coersion the way you have. Survivors of sexual coercion and assault often feel conflicted and confused about their feelings towards the person who harmed them, especially if they knew them beforehand.

](/en/answer/i-was-sexually-coerced-by-a-friend-of-mine-lately-i-have-had-to-see-him-in-person-as-we-are-in-a-similar-friendship-group-and-someone-we-knew-passed-away-i-feel-so-guilty-for-avoiding-him)

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[

#### I experienced sexual violence. How do I get over the guilt of reporting it?

🇺🇸

Thank you for this question. I want to start by acknowledging your strength and courage in reaching out for support. Dealing with the aftermath of sexual violence is incredibly difficult, and the feelings of guilt you're experiencing are a common and valid response to trauma and the decisions survivors often need to make in the aftermath. Please know that the guilt is not yours to carry - the responsibility lies solely with the person who harmed you.

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#### How can I be in a functional relationship after experiencing trauma? Why do I feel so ashamed? Will I always feel this way?

🇺🇸

The trauma from previous experiences can make it extremely difficult to enter new relationships or to connect with someone new. It is not easy to be in a "functional" relationship when your trust has been broken or abused in the past. When you are healing from trauma, honor your feelings. It is okay to slowly build trust and have the people in your life earn it. Be kind and patient with yourself.

](/en/answer/how-can-i-be-in-a-functional-relationship-after-experiencing-trauma-why-do-i-feel-so-ashamed-will-i-always-feel-this-way-36 "The trauma from previous experiences can make it extremely difficult to enter new relationships or to connect with someone new. It is not easy to be in a \"functional\" relationship when your trust has been broken or abused in the past. When you are healing from trauma, honor your feelings. It is okay to slowly build trust and have the people in your life earn it. Be kind and patient with yourself.")

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#### Every year on the anniversary of my trauma, I feel a fresh pain deep down. I’m even triggered by holiday preparations, certain drinks, and other things that remind me of the season. How can I best support myself on an anniversary I don’t want to remember?

🇬🇷

Thank you so much for asking this really important question. Trauma anniversaries can be extremely painful. Triggers may come seemingly out of no where leading up to an anniversary of an event. This can be frightening, frustrating, or just plain inconvenient.

](/en/answer/every-year-on-the-anniversary-of-my-trauma-i-feel-a-fresh-pain-deep-down-im-even-triggered-by-holiday-preparations-certain-drinks-and-other-things-that-remind-me-of-the-season-how-can-i-best-support-myself-on-an-anniversary-i-dont-want-to-remember-38)

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#### I'm a man in my mid-30s trying to cope with the impact of childhood sexual abuse by multiple perpetrators over several years. The abuse began when I was very young and involved different people in various contexts—including family members, someone in a position of authority, and others in my life. This has left me with severe anxiety, compulsive sexual behaviors, and a profound struggle with my identity. I'm reaching out to see if anyone has found a path to healing from complex and repeated trauma.

🇮🇳

Thank you for trusting this space with your story. What you experienced was profound betrayal by multiple people who should have protected you, and the courage it takes to reach out and name these experiences is significant. You deserved safety, protection, and care throughout your childhood, and none of what happened to you was your fault.

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#### I was sexually assaulted by another man who was twice my size while I was intoxicated. When I think back to that moment, I question why I didn't fight harder. After the encounter, I sobered up quickly and felt very angry and disturbed. Why do I feel like it was my fault or like I wanted it when I clearly didn't?

🇺🇸

I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this. What happened to you was not your fault, but it's completely understandable that you're feeling angry, disturbed, and questioning yourself. When faced with a threatening situation, our bodies can respond in ways we might not expect. Freezing or feeling unable to fight back is a common reaction to trauma. It's a natural, involuntary response where the body goes into a state of shock or paralysis as a way to protect itself.

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#### I recently experienced a traumatic sexual encounter that I didn't consent to, despite expressing that I wasn't ready. It's left me struggling with anxiety, depression, and severe insomnia for the past 5 days. I'm feeling guilty, angry at myself, and experiencing physical symptoms like dehydration, migraine, and pain. I've even had thoughts of harming myself. How can I cope with these intense emotions and physical symptoms?

🇵🇭

I want to start by saying that I hear you, and I believe you. What you've experienced is deeply traumatic, and it's important to understand that your feelings and reactions are valid and normal responses to an abnormal and distressing situation. It's crucial to emphasize that what happened was not your fault. You expressed that you weren't ready, and your boundaries were violated. You bear no responsibility for the actions of the person who hurt you.

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#### Why do I feel so disgusted by myself? It's been months since he touched me and days since I was stalked, and I still feel so uncomfortable in my own skin. Why can't I move past this?

🇺🇸

There is nothing wrong with you for still feeling this way. The disgust you're feeling is not about who you are...it's about what was done to you. But trauma has a cruel way of turning that outward violation inward, making you feel like the wrongness lives inside your body rather than in the actions of the person who harmed you.

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[

#### What are some helpful strategies for managing flashbacks related to coercive control? Talking through the experience doesn't always feel helpful, and I'm looking for additional techniques to complement pausing and allowing the feelings to pass.

🇺🇸

Thank you for reaching out and for sharing your preferences with us. It's very common and understandable to look for additional strategies to manage flashbacks beyond talking, especially to complement the practice of pausing and letting feelings pass. Actively engaging in certain practices can indeed be very helpful in regaining a sense of presence and safety when these difficult moments arise.

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[

#### How do I recover from my rapist getting his charges expunged?

🇺🇸

Recovering from the expungement of charges against your rapist can be a difficult and painful process. First, we want to acknowledge and validate whatever feelings you may be having at this time. It is normal to feel a wide range of emotions when you are processing something as difficult as you are experiencing, including anger, betrayal, and despair. What happened to you was not fair.

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#### I didn’t know I lived with trauma until I started therapy...now I can’t help but minimize it?

🇺🇸

We received many questions about trauma processing and identity. Let’s talk about this in two parts with the help of a PhD prepared mental health nurse and sexual assault nurse examiner from @ourwavestories. We will start with talking about coming to terms with trauma as it relates to our identity, and then we will talk about integrating it into our identity.

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#### How do I make the feeling of being touched all over go away?

🇺🇸

I am so sorry you are still feeling lingering sensations related to the harm you experienced. It is understandable that you want the uncomfortable sensations and memories of being touched to go away. Unwanted sexual experiences can leave a person feeling very distressed, and it's common for survivors to feel like they can still feel sensations even after the abuse has ended. Know that these feelings can fade with time, but we will discuss a couple strategies and coping techniques that may help.

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#### Is it okay for me to not want to forgive the person who sexually assaulted me when we were both children? I've seen people not taking child-on-child sexual abuse seriously and making excuses because the perpetrator was also a child. Those messages make me feel bad about not wanting to forgive this person and still feeling anger toward them. I feel pressured to "get over it" just because they might have been a victim too, but they seemed to know what they were doing was wrong and appeared to enjoy it.

🇺🇸

Thank you for reaching out to us. It's absolutely okay for you not to want to forgive the person who sexually assaulted you. Your emotions are valid, and you have every right to feel hurt, angry, or even hateful toward someone who caused you harm. Child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA) is a serious and often overlooked issue, but that doesn't diminish its impact on survivors like you.

](/en/answer/is-it-okay-for-me-to-not-want-to-forgive-the-person-who-sexually-assaulted-me-when-we-were-both-children-ive-seen-people-not-taking-child-on-child-sexual-abuse-seriously-and-making-excuses-because-the "Is it okay for me to not want to forgive the person who sexually assaulted me when we were both children? I've seen people not taking child-on-child sexual abuse seriously and making excuses because the perpetrator was also a child. Those messages make me feel bad about not wanting to forgive this person and still feeling anger toward them. I feel pressured to \"get over it\" just because they might have been a victim too, but they seemed to know what they were doing was wrong and appeared to enjoy it.")

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#### I feel out of control and can feel my abuser's hands on me constantly. I can't tell which thoughts are mine versus his, and he feels so present in my mind and heart that I can't escape him. I feel like I'm having constant panic attacks and it's exhausting. How do I begin to deal with this? Is there anything I can do to stop this feeling or at least distract myself?

🇺🇸

I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. What you are experiencing is incredibly challenging and exhausting, and I want you to know that your feelings are completely valid. You've been through a traumatic experience, and these overwhelming sensations and thoughts are common responses to trauma. They don't mean you're broken or that there's something wrong with you.

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#### I keep seeing my old swimming instructor's face in my head over and over, and it makes me feel sick to my stomach. I don't remember anything specific about him and haven't thought about him in years, but I see his face so clearly and how he's looking at me. I've had other traumatic encounters before, and I'm scared there might be another one I don't remember. These thoughts are making me feel physically ill and giving me headaches. What could this mean?

🇺🇸

Thank you for reaching out to us. It sounds like you're experiencing a lot of confusion and distress seeing this person's face so vividly, especially when you have no clear memory or understanding of why it's bothering you now. What you're going through right now is incredibly overwhelming, and I want you to know that your fear and physical reactions are completely valid, regardless of what they ultimately mean or represent.

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#### I've engaged in self-mutilation with cutting after sexual assault. I target areas the perpetrator touched or aroused. My thoughts are to make my skin look different than the body they touched. I see my body in the mirror as my reflection right after the assault happened. Is this something common that doesn't get talked about? The more I scar myself, the more I feel like they're gone, or at least that's what I try to believe. I'm getting help through therapy for both the assault and self-injury. Is it normal to want to stop arousal and flashbacks by any means necessary?

🇺🇸

I'm so sorry you've been feeling this way, and I'm grateful you felt safe enough to share your experience. What you're describing is a trauma response that many sexual assault survivors experience but is rarely discussed openly. It's not unusual for survivors of sexual violence to feel an overwhelming need to reclaim their bodies in the aftermath, and self-harm can sometimes appear in these moments as a way to cope. When you mention cutting the very places he touched in order to make your skin look different, it sounds like it might reflect yo...

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Community note

This question contains references to self-harm or suicidal thoughts. If you or someone you know is struggling, please reach out to a crisis helpline.

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#### I have been in a relationship with my current significant other for about 5 months. They love me and treat me well. They know my past and make me feel safe. However, it has been hard for me to mentally move past my previous relationship, which had a lot of emotional abuse and sexual abuse. How do I get my brain out of the "survival" mode in relationships so I can truly love my partner the way they (and I) deserve?

🇺🇸

Thank you for reaching out to us. First and foremost, I want to acknowledge the strength you've shown in moving forward from an abusive relationship. The fact that you're now in a loving, supportive partnership is truly hopeful and a testament to your resilience.

](/en/answer/i-have-been-in-a-relationship-with-my-current-significant-other-for-about-5-months-they-love-me-and-treat-me-well-they-know-my-past-and-make-me-feel-safe-however-it-has-been-hard-for-me-to-mentally-move-past-my-previous-relationship-which-had-a-lot-of-emotional-abuse-and-sexual-abuse-how-do-i-get-my-brain-out-of-the-survival-mode-in-relationships-so-i-can-truly-love-my-partner-the-way-they-and-i-deserve-223 "I have been in a relationship with my current significant other for about 5 months. They love me and treat me well. They know my past and make me feel safe. However, it has been hard for me to mentally move past my previous relationship, which had a lot of emotional abuse and sexual abuse. How do I get my brain out of the \"survival\" mode in relationships so I can truly love my partner the way they (and I) deserve?")

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#### I often feel like a burden to others and wish I could disappear. My trauma happened long ago and continued for an extended period, so it feels normal to me now. However, I still encounter the person who hurt me regularly, and each time feels like reopening a wound. Shouldn't I be over this by now? How do I begin healing?

🇺🇸

Thank you for reaching out to us with such deeply personal feelings. I want to start by saying that it takes immense strength to name the pain you're carrying, and I'm honored that you've trusted us with your story. What you're experiencing--all of it--makes complete sense, and you are not alone in feeling this way.

](/en/answer/i-often-feel-like-a-burden-to-others-and-wish-i-could-disappear-my-trauma-happened-long-ago-and-continued-for-an-extended-period-so-it-feels-normal-to-me-now-however-i-still-encounter-the-person-who-h)

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#### Is it normal that I froze when a man masturbated next to me on the bus while looking at me? I couldn't move until I got home.

🇨🇱

I'm so sorry this happened to you. What you experienced was absolutely a normal reaction. Feeling like all you could do was stay completely still is a very common response to a frightening or upsetting situation, even if you think you "should" have done something else.

](/en/answer/is-it-normal-that-i-froze-when-a-man-masturbated-next-to-me-on-the-bus-while-looking-at-me-i-couldnt-move-until-i-got-home-783 "I'm so sorry this happened to you. What you experienced was absolutely a normal reaction. Feeling like all you could do was stay completely still is a very common response to a frightening or upsetting situation, even if you think you \"should\" have done something else.")

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#### Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

🇺🇸

It is not uncommon for survivors to experience a wide range of confusing and conflicting emotions and sensations after their assault, including sexual arousal. This can be especially distressing for individuals who may feel guilty or ashamed for feeling aroused in response to a traumatic event.

](/en/answer/why-do-i-get-sexually-aroused-when-thinking-about-my-childhood-sexual-assault-68)

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#### How do I understand why something triggers me?

🇺🇸

Highly emotional & stressful experiences “trigger” a part of the brain called the amygdala. Usually, the amygdala is helpful and works to keep us safe from dangerous situations by activating a fear response. After a ​traumatic experience, the amygdala can become overactive, causing fear responses even if you are not in any danger. Your reaction may be to fight, flee, or freeze, interfering with daily tasks and functioning, even if you’re in a completely safe situation.

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#### What is self-blame and how can I manage it?

🇺🇸

Self-blame is a complicated feeling that often accompanies past abuse or trauma. Self-blame can be felt for a variety of reasons. For example, sometimes survivors feel that their behavior encouraged or caused harm to occur to them. Other times survivors may blame themselves for the trauma symptoms they carry afterwards or “not healing fast enough.”

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#### How can I cope with the fact there are parts of my trauma and abuse I will never understand, know, or remember?

🇺🇸

Thank you so much for asking this question. Many survivors navigate complex emotions, uncertainties, and gaps in their memories as they embark on their paths towards healing. This can be challenging to cope with, particularly when the effects of this trauma start to impact your daily life.

](/en/answer/how-can-i-cope-with-the-fact-there-are-parts-of-my-trauma-and-abuse-i-will-never-understand-know-or-remember-86)

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#### Is it normal for me to miss the person who assaulted me? I even feel jealous when I learn other people get their attention positively or even negatively.

🇺🇸

Thank you for this question. When a person is assaulted, they may experience a variety of emotions in the aftermath, some of which may include feelings of attachment or longing towards the person who caused them harm. These feelings can be confusing and distressing, but it's important to remember that they do not diminish the seriousness of the assault you experienced.

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#### I don’t talk about my assault to my therapist because I’m scared to relive it, how do I move on?

🇺🇸

Talking about your trauma can be challenging, especially when recalling it triggers painful memories. Despite this, many people say disclosing their trauma to a trained professional can be helpful. It can be difficult to balance keeping yourself safe while allowing space for healing, however, so here are some tips.

](/en/answer/i-dont-talk-about-my-assault-to-my-therapist-im-scared-to-relive-it-how-do-i-move-on-15)

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#### What are ways to deal with guilt over inability to trust loved ones?

🇰🇼

Thank you for opening up about these feelings of guilt. It's important for you to know that struggling to trust loved ones after experiencing trauma is a completely normal and understandable response. Your mind is trying to protect you, and while it may feel frustrating or isolating at times, it's not a reflection of your worth or your care for those around you.

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#### Why is it so difficult for me to manage my emotions?

🇺🇸

When you experience something traumatic, your body temporarily goes into “fight or flight mode,” meaning that it is adapting to stressful stimuli and going into survival mode to protect itself. Unfortunately, sometimes even when the threat has passed, particularly when it was chronic or repeated, your body can become stuck in that state of high alert.

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#### How do I continue to heal while attempting to build a new relationship? How do I break old habits of dependency or fear of my partner?

🇺🇸

Thank you for asking this question. We are proud of you for prioritzing your healing while building new relationships. Healing while building a new relationship requires self-awareness, patience, and open communication with your partner. To start, honor your feelings. It is okay to slowly build trust and have the people in your life earn it. Be kind and patient with yourself.

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#### I was sexually groomed and abused for years as a child. Now, as an adult, I frequently have sexual fantasies about being raped, even though I know I wouldn't actually want it to happen. I've been married for 21 years to a loving, understanding husband who knows about my past trauma. However, I only find sex with him truly exciting when it feels 'wrong' or forbidden. I'm rarely turned on by my husband's loving and trauma-aware approach, though I've never told him about my fantasies. I feel like something is broken in my mind and I want to understand and fix it. Can you explain why I'm struggling with this?

🇺🇸

First and foremost, I want to assure you that you are not broken. Your experiences and feelings, while distressing to you, are actually quite common among survivors of childhood sexual abuse and grooming. What you're describing is a complex response to trauma that many survivors grapple with.

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#### I feel sick all the time after experiencing trauma. I'm scared of everyone and can't feel safe, even with my friends. Nowhere feels safe, nothing feels secure, and I'm exhausted. I don't know how to navigate this pain that won't go away. I don't know who to ask for help or what I would even say. I just wish it all would leave me alone, but it never does. Could you tell me that it's going to be okay and that I'm safe?

🇺🇸

I hear how much pain and exhaustion you are feeling right now. While I can't personally guarantee your safety, I do want to assure you that healing is possible. Hang on to hope. The constant fear and sickness you're describing are common responses to trauma - you're not alone in feeling this way, and you're not wrong for having these reactions.

](/en/answer/i-feel-sick-all-the-time-after-experiencing-trauma-im-scared-of-everyone-and-cant-feel-safe-even-with-my-friends-nowhere-feels-safe-nothing-feels-secure-and-im-exhausted-i-dont-know-how-to-navigate-this-pain-that-wont-go-away-i-dont-know-who-to-ask-for-help-or-what-i-would-even-say-i-just-wish-it-all-would-leave-me-alone-but-it-never-does-could-you-tell-me-that-its-going-to-be-okay-and-that-im-safe-309)

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[

#### How can I be in a functional relationship after experiencing trauma? Why do I feel so ashamed? Will I always feel this way?

🇺🇸

The trauma from previous experiences can make it extremely difficult to enter new relationships or to connect with someone new. It is not easy to be in a "functional" relationship when your trust has been broken or abused in the past. When you are healing from trauma, honor your feelings. It is okay to slowly build trust and have the people in your life earn it. Be kind and patient with yourself.

](/en/answer/how-can-i-be-in-a-functional-relationship-after-experiencing-trauma-why-do-i-feel-so-ashamed-will-i-always-feel-this-way-36 "The trauma from previous experiences can make it extremely difficult to enter new relationships or to connect with someone new. It is not easy to be in a \"functional\" relationship when your trust has been broken or abused in the past. When you are healing from trauma, honor your feelings. It is okay to slowly build trust and have the people in your life earn it. Be kind and patient with yourself.")

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#### I was sexually assaulted by another man who was twice my size while I was intoxicated. When I think back to that moment, I question why I didn't fight harder. After the encounter, I sobered up quickly and felt very angry and disturbed. Why do I feel like it was my fault or like I wanted it when I clearly didn't?

🇺🇸

I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this. What happened to you was not your fault, but it's completely understandable that you're feeling angry, disturbed, and questioning yourself. When faced with a threatening situation, our bodies can respond in ways we might not expect. Freezing or feeling unable to fight back is a common reaction to trauma. It's a natural, involuntary response where the body goes into a state of shock or paralysis as a way to protect itself.

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#### What are some helpful strategies for managing flashbacks related to coercive control? Talking through the experience doesn't always feel helpful, and I'm looking for additional techniques to complement pausing and allowing the feelings to pass.

🇺🇸

Thank you for reaching out and for sharing your preferences with us. It's very common and understandable to look for additional strategies to manage flashbacks beyond talking, especially to complement the practice of pausing and letting feelings pass. Actively engaging in certain practices can indeed be very helpful in regaining a sense of presence and safety when these difficult moments arise.

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#### How do I make the feeling of being touched all over go away?

🇺🇸

I am so sorry you are still feeling lingering sensations related to the harm you experienced. It is understandable that you want the uncomfortable sensations and memories of being touched to go away. Unwanted sexual experiences can leave a person feeling very distressed, and it's common for survivors to feel like they can still feel sensations even after the abuse has ended. Know that these feelings can fade with time, but we will discuss a couple strategies and coping techniques that may help.

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#### I keep seeing my old swimming instructor's face in my head over and over, and it makes me feel sick to my stomach. I don't remember anything specific about him and haven't thought about him in years, but I see his face so clearly and how he's looking at me. I've had other traumatic encounters before, and I'm scared there might be another one I don't remember. These thoughts are making me feel physically ill and giving me headaches. What could this mean?

🇺🇸

Thank you for reaching out to us. It sounds like you're experiencing a lot of confusion and distress seeing this person's face so vividly, especially when you have no clear memory or understanding of why it's bothering you now. What you're going through right now is incredibly overwhelming, and I want you to know that your fear and physical reactions are completely valid, regardless of what they ultimately mean or represent.

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#### I often feel like a burden to others and wish I could disappear. My trauma happened long ago and continued for an extended period, so it feels normal to me now. However, I still encounter the person who hurt me regularly, and each time feels like reopening a wound. Shouldn't I be over this by now? How do I begin healing?

🇺🇸

Thank you for reaching out to us with such deeply personal feelings. I want to start by saying that it takes immense strength to name the pain you're carrying, and I'm honored that you've trusted us with your story. What you're experiencing--all of it--makes complete sense, and you are not alone in feeling this way.

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#### Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

🇺🇸

Thank you so much for trusting us with this extremely difficult question. Please know you are not alone and this does not invalidate the trauma you experienced. Arousal during sexual assault is a possible, but involuntary physiological response that does not imply consent or enjoyment. Resist the feelings of shame and self-blame that you are feeling. It is not your fault and your experiences are valid.

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#### I got assaulted, but I don’t really feel anything...is something wrong with me?

🇺🇸

The short answer is...no not at all. It is quite common for survivors to feel emotionally detached or drained after experiencing an assault, perhaps even at times feeling unaware of what is happening around them. Survivors can also experience feelings of denial, disbelief, or numbness as a reaction to their assault experience. These reactions should never be confused with "not caring" or with the assault being “not serious.” These feelings are how our body is coping with our experience, protecting us from its intensity. The body’s reaction to...

](/en/answer/i-got-assaulted-but-i-dont-really-feel-anything-is-something-wrong-with-me-2 "The short answer is...no not at all. It is quite common for survivors to feel emotionally detached or drained after experiencing an assault, perhaps even at times feeling unaware of what is happening around them. Survivors can also experience feelings of denial, disbelief, or numbness as a reaction to their assault experience. These reactions should never be confused with \"not caring\" or with the assault being “not serious.” These feelings are how our body is coping with our experience, protecting us from its intensity. The body’s reaction to...")

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#### How do I make this discomfort and confusion to go away?

🇧🇭

Thank you for asking this question and we are sorry you are dealing with so much discomfort and confusion. Those are some really challenging feelings to work through, but you are not alone. We want to start by saying that it is perfectly normal to feel discomfort and confusion after experiencing sexual violence. These feelings do not need to last forever, however, and will decrease over time.

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#### Is there a way to relieve nausea I am feeling after being assaulted?

🇰🇼

I am so sorry you are feeing nausea that won't subside after your assault. While this is a common and understandable physicological response to trauma, hat sounds extremely uncomfortable. When you go through a traumatic event like an assault, your body's stress response system is activated, triggering the release of stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline. This is part of the "fight, flight, or freeze" response, an instinctive reaction to perceived threats. These hormones can affect various bodily functions, including your digest...

](/en/answer/is-there-a-way-to-relieve-nausea-i-am-feeling-after-being-assaulted-278 "I am so sorry you are feeing nausea that won't subside after your assault. While this is a common and understandable physicological response to trauma, hat sounds extremely uncomfortable. 
When you go through a traumatic event like an assault, your body's stress response system is activated, triggering the release of stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline. This is part of the \"fight, flight, or freeze\" response, an instinctive reaction to perceived threats. These hormones can affect various bodily functions, including your digest...")

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#### How do you work through the triggers from trauma in your daily life?

🇺🇸

Triggers are emotional reactions produced by the part of our brain called the amygdala. The amygdala activates the fight or flight response our bodies have when we feel that our lives are in danger. Our neural systems cannot tell the difference between emotional threats and physical ones, so our bodies respond similarly in both situations. When triggered, our bodies attempt to protect us by releasing stress-related hormones and peptides. A trigger is a response that seems disproportionate to the event that transpired.

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#### Is it normal to feel so much guilt and shame even years after the rape I experienced at the hands of my then boyfriend? He has lied and deceived me and that has added to my trauma. I also have incomplete memories of the event that I cannot remember clearly.

🇮🇪

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us. It is not uncommon for survivors of sexual violence to experience lingering feelings of guilt and shame even years after abuse, especially when the assault was perpetrated by someone they trusted such as a partner. Particularly if there are complicating factors such as deceit and memory gaps, making sense of and managing this shame can be especially difficult.

](/en/answer/is-it-normal-to-feel-so-much-guilt-and-shame-even-years-after-the-rape-i-experienced-at-the-hands-of-my-then-boyfriend-he-has-lied-and-deceived-me-and-that-has-added-to-my-trauma-i-also-have-incomplete-memories-of-the-event-that-i-cannot-remember-clearly-95)

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#### Is it normal for me to begin to forget my assault? I feel as though I am making progress and now I am forgetting what it was like to be assaulted and the memories are fading. Does this mean I overplayed the event or is this normal?

🇺🇸

Thank you for asking this question. It's common for people who experience sexual assault to experience changes in their traumatic memories over time. While some of that may be related to the passing of time generally, memories of traumatic events specifically can be especially fragmented, disjointed, or difficult to recall in the future. For some survivors, memories may become more vivid over time. For others, their memories might become more fuzzy or distant. Both are equally valid responses to traumatic events.

](/en/answer/is-it-normal-for-me-to-begin-to-forget-my-assault-i-feel-as-though-i-am-making-progress-and-now-i-am-forgetting-what-it-was-like-to-be-assaulted-and-the-memories-are-fading-does-this-mean-i-overplayed-the-event-or-is-this-normal-70)

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[NO MORE Silence, Speak Your Truth Community](https://stories.nomore.org)

[

#### What should I do about my anger towards the perpetrator?

🇯🇵

First, let me tell you that feeling anger towards someone who has hurt you is a very natural and valid reaction. There is no need to blame yourself or feel ashamed of your feelings, thinking, "I shouldn't be feeling this way" or "I should forgive the other person." The fact that you feel anger speaks to the fact that you have been hurt. Sometimes, anger can come over you in waves so strong that it's hard to process. Anger is a natural response to injustice and unfairness, especially when your important boundaries and dignity are violated. If y...

](/en/answer/what-should-i-do-about-my-anger-towards-the-perpetrator-824 "First, let me tell you that feeling anger towards someone who has hurt you is a very natural and valid reaction. There is no need to blame yourself or feel ashamed of your feelings, thinking, \"I shouldn't be feeling this way\" or \"I should forgive the other person.\" The fact that you feel anger speaks to the fact that you have been hurt. Sometimes, anger can come over you in waves so strong that it's hard to process. Anger is a natural response to injustice and unfairness, especially when your important boundaries and dignity are violated. If y...")

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#### How can I learn to manage the anger, frustration, and aggression I feel?

🇿🇦

Thank you so much for this question. After we experience trauma and violence, we may experience a multitude of feelings, many of which can involve anger or frustration. We may feel angry that this happened to us. That life is not fair and that the world is not safe. We also may feel angry at our perpetrator or at people or systems in our lives that did not support us the way we deserve. Know that experiencing anger is healthy, normal, and okay. You are allowed to be angry. What you do with that anger, however, is something that you can learn t...

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#### I've been in therapy for two years processing sexual trauma. Recently, I've started experiencing physical arousal when thinking about or processing the assault. This is particularly distressing since I'm gay and the assault was by someone of the opposite sex. Are these physical responses normal during trauma processing?

🇺🇸

Thank you for asking this. Physical arousal during trauma processing is a common and normal physiological response that many survivors experience, though it can feel deeply confusing and distressing. Our bodies can react to traumatic memories in complex ways, even when the experiences are painful or go against our sexual orientation. These responses occur because our nervous system remembers and can react to any type of touch or sexual content, whether wanted or unwanted.

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[

#### I was sexually coerced by a friend of mine. I feel so guilty for avoiding him and feel as though I am doing the wrong thing, but I oscillate between hating him and not wanting him to feel bad/excluded. I hate feeling this way. Is this normal after assault by a friend?

🇦🇺

Thank you so much for this question. It can be so difficult to navigate situations when we are in social circles with people who have caused us harm in the past. The feelings you are feeling, while challenging, are not uncommon for people who have experienced sexual coersion the way you have. Survivors of sexual coercion and assault often feel conflicted and confused about their feelings towards the person who harmed them, especially if they knew them beforehand.

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[

#### Every year on the anniversary of my trauma, I feel a fresh pain deep down. I’m even triggered by holiday preparations, certain drinks, and other things that remind me of the season. How can I best support myself on an anniversary I don’t want to remember?

🇬🇷

Thank you so much for asking this really important question. Trauma anniversaries can be extremely painful. Triggers may come seemingly out of no where leading up to an anniversary of an event. This can be frightening, frustrating, or just plain inconvenient.

](/en/answer/every-year-on-the-anniversary-of-my-trauma-i-feel-a-fresh-pain-deep-down-im-even-triggered-by-holiday-preparations-certain-drinks-and-other-things-that-remind-me-of-the-season-how-can-i-best-support-myself-on-an-anniversary-i-dont-want-to-remember-38)

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[

#### I recently experienced a traumatic sexual encounter that I didn't consent to, despite expressing that I wasn't ready. It's left me struggling with anxiety, depression, and severe insomnia for the past 5 days. I'm feeling guilty, angry at myself, and experiencing physical symptoms like dehydration, migraine, and pain. I've even had thoughts of harming myself. How can I cope with these intense emotions and physical symptoms?

🇵🇭

I want to start by saying that I hear you, and I believe you. What you've experienced is deeply traumatic, and it's important to understand that your feelings and reactions are valid and normal responses to an abnormal and distressing situation. It's crucial to emphasize that what happened was not your fault. You expressed that you weren't ready, and your boundaries were violated. You bear no responsibility for the actions of the person who hurt you.

](/en/answer/i-recently-experienced-a-traumatic-sexual-encounter-that-i-didnt-consent-to-despite-expressing-that-i-wasnt-ready-its-left-me-struggling-with-anxiety-depression-and-severe-insomnia-for-the-past-5-days-im-feeling-guilty-angry-at-myself-and-experiencing-physical-symptoms-like-dehydration-migraine-and-pain-ive-even-had-thoughts-of-harming-myself-how-can-i-cope-with-these-intense-emotions-and-physical-symptoms-283)

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[

#### How do I recover from my rapist getting his charges expunged?

🇺🇸

Recovering from the expungement of charges against your rapist can be a difficult and painful process. First, we want to acknowledge and validate whatever feelings you may be having at this time. It is normal to feel a wide range of emotions when you are processing something as difficult as you are experiencing, including anger, betrayal, and despair. What happened to you was not fair.

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#### Is it okay for me to not want to forgive the person who sexually assaulted me when we were both children? I've seen people not taking child-on-child sexual abuse seriously and making excuses because the perpetrator was also a child. Those messages make me feel bad about not wanting to forgive this person and still feeling anger toward them. I feel pressured to "get over it" just because they might have been a victim too, but they seemed to know what they were doing was wrong and appeared to enjoy it.

🇺🇸

Thank you for reaching out to us. It's absolutely okay for you not to want to forgive the person who sexually assaulted you. Your emotions are valid, and you have every right to feel hurt, angry, or even hateful toward someone who caused you harm. Child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA) is a serious and often overlooked issue, but that doesn't diminish its impact on survivors like you.

](/en/answer/is-it-okay-for-me-to-not-want-to-forgive-the-person-who-sexually-assaulted-me-when-we-were-both-children-ive-seen-people-not-taking-child-on-child-sexual-abuse-seriously-and-making-excuses-because-the "Is it okay for me to not want to forgive the person who sexually assaulted me when we were both children? I've seen people not taking child-on-child sexual abuse seriously and making excuses because the perpetrator was also a child. Those messages make me feel bad about not wanting to forgive this person and still feeling anger toward them. I feel pressured to \"get over it\" just because they might have been a victim too, but they seemed to know what they were doing was wrong and appeared to enjoy it.")

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[

#### I've engaged in self-mutilation with cutting after sexual assault. I target areas the perpetrator touched or aroused. My thoughts are to make my skin look different than the body they touched. I see my body in the mirror as my reflection right after the assault happened. Is this something common that doesn't get talked about? The more I scar myself, the more I feel like they're gone, or at least that's what I try to believe. I'm getting help through therapy for both the assault and self-injury. Is it normal to want to stop arousal and flashbacks by any means necessary?

🇺🇸

I'm so sorry you've been feeling this way, and I'm grateful you felt safe enough to share your experience. What you're describing is a trauma response that many sexual assault survivors experience but is rarely discussed openly. It's not unusual for survivors of sexual violence to feel an overwhelming need to reclaim their bodies in the aftermath, and self-harm can sometimes appear in these moments as a way to cope. When you mention cutting the very places he touched in order to make your skin look different, it sounds like it might reflect yo...

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Community note

This question contains references to self-harm or suicidal thoughts. If you or someone you know is struggling, please reach out to a crisis helpline.

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#### Is it normal that I froze when a man masturbated next to me on the bus while looking at me? I couldn't move until I got home.

🇨🇱

I'm so sorry this happened to you. What you experienced was absolutely a normal reaction. Feeling like all you could do was stay completely still is a very common response to a frightening or upsetting situation, even if you think you "should" have done something else.

](/en/answer/is-it-normal-that-i-froze-when-a-man-masturbated-next-to-me-on-the-bus-while-looking-at-me-i-couldnt-move-until-i-got-home-783 "I'm so sorry this happened to you. What you experienced was absolutely a normal reaction. Feeling like all you could do was stay completely still is a very common response to a frightening or upsetting situation, even if you think you \"should\" have done something else.")

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[

#### How can I deal with “bad days” when I am healing from trauma?

🇺🇸

Healing from trauma is not a linear process, and it’s common and completely normal to have days that feel a lot worse than others. Having a bad day does not mean you are not improving. It does not mean that you are getting worse. If you take a step back and think about where you were when you first began your healing process, it can help you see the larger picture and find the improvements you have made and the growth you’ve experienced.

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#### I think I might've been groomed and sexually abused as a child, but my memory feels very scrambled. I feel guilty for thinking I might've been assaulted, what do I do?

🇺🇸

Thank you so much for trusting us with this question. To start, you are not alone. It is quite common for individuals who are processing childhood trauma to feel guilt, shame, and confusion. It is also common for survivors to not want to believe what happened to them was real, or for them to have memory gaps surrounding certain details of these events. Only you know what you have experienced, but here are some of our thoughts below.

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[

#### Why does being assaulted or abused make some victims feel "dirty" or disgusted with themselves a lot of the time?

🇰🇼

Thank you for this question. This is a difficult and painful topic to discuss, but it is an extremely common sentiment that people have after experiencing assault or abuse. If you experienced assault or abuse and are feeling this way, you are not alone. Many survivors struggle with these feelings of being "dirty" or disgusted with themselves, and there are several reasons why this happens.

](/en/answer/why-does-being-assaulted-or-abused-make-some-victims-feel-dirty-or-disgusted-with-themselves-a-lot-of-the-time-243 "Thank you for this question. This is a difficult and painful topic to discuss, but it is an extremely common sentiment that people have after experiencing assault or abuse. If you experienced assault or abuse and are feeling this way, you are not alone. Many survivors struggle with these feelings of being \"dirty\" or disgusted with themselves, and there are several reasons why this happens.")

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[

#### How can I deal with the mental and cognitive impacts of my trauma?

🇺🇸

Most people experience some form of emotional or cognitive symptoms after trauma. But, just because it’s common doesn’t mean that it’s always easy to cope with. Some common emotional effects of trauma are fear, numbness or detachment, heightened emotional reactivity, depression, guilt, and irritability. Some common cognitive effects include difficulties concentrating or remembering things, nightmares, disorientation, or intrusive thoughts.

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#### Why do I self-harm and what is the best way to stop?

🇺🇸

First of all, talking about self-injury is really hard, so thank you for asking this question. We have asked our favorite psychiatrist to help answer this. We promise you, tons of other people are wondering the same thing. We believe in honest conversations about uncomfortable topics, ​but sometimes talking about self-injury can be triggering. If now is not a good time, bookmark this post for later. If you need help, The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available 24/7 at 800-273-8255.

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#### Does anyone else feel like you made everything up? Like it’s all fake and it never happened?

🇺🇸

Many times after a traumatic event, our brains can feel disorganized and chaotic. "Am I remembering it wrong?" "Maybe it didn't happen like that." "Did I make that part up?" These questions are not uncommon to have. Sometimes, your brain can evoke a defense mechanism which represses your memory of the trauma, or perhaps due to the stress of the moment, you may only remember very specific details of your experience. Trauma memories are often not as coherent as regular ones. You may remember something specific like a smell, a sensation, or feeli...

](/en/answer/does-anyone-feel-like-you-made-everything-up-like-its-all-fake-and-never-happened-11 "Many times after a traumatic event, our brains can feel disorganized and chaotic. \"Am I remembering it wrong?\" \"Maybe it didn't happen like that.\" \"Did I make that part up?\" These questions are not uncommon to have.
Sometimes, your brain can evoke a defense mechanism which represses your memory of the trauma, or perhaps due to the stress of the moment, you may only remember very specific details of your experience. Trauma memories are often not as coherent as regular ones. You may remember something specific like a smell, a sensation, or feeli...")

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#### How long does it take for your mind to feel calm again after leaving a relationship? I broke up with my boyfriend 4 months ago and my mind feels so busy with memories of when he hurt me emotionally and sexually, mixed with memories of when he was nice to me. I feel alone and tired 💔

🇬🇧

Thank you for trusting us with your feelings. You are not alone. It is entirely normal to wish for a calmer mind and to wonder when you'll finally get some peace from such painful, conflicting memories. While four months can feel like an eternity when you are struggling, it makes sense that your mind still feels busy and exhausted. It sounds like you have a lot to process. Your brain is doing important work right now, even though it feels overwhelming and tiring.

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#### There is so much going on in the world. My trauma feels insignificant compared to what others are going through. How do I manage that?

🇺🇸

There is something about our current state that can make any personal trauma feel unworthy. How can I feel this pain when I have a roof over my head? When I have a job? When I am healthy? While this reframing and acknowledgement of the intensity of others’ suffering is an important empathetic response, it also can harm our own processing of the events that impact us.

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#### I’m incredibly anxious about being harmed again. I'm scared to leave my house. What can I do about this?

🇰🇼

Thank you for reaching out to us. I understand how frightening and overwhelming your situation feels right now. It's completely natural to experience anxiety and fear after being harmed, and your desire to stay home where you feel safe is a normal response to trauma. However, it's important to remember that you have the strength within you to overcome these feelings and reclaim a sense of freedom in your life.

](/en/answer/im-incredibly-anxious-about-being-harmed-again-im-scared-to-leave-my-house-what-can-i-do-about-this-226)

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[

#### I was assaulted 6 years ago, but the memories are just beginning to flow back. I think about it every other day and it’s been causing me a lot of stress and depression. Could this be a sign that it was traumatic?

🇺🇸

Thank you for sharing this difficult experience. What you're describing is not uncommon for survivors of assault, and your feelings are entirely valid. First, let's define trauma. Individual trauma results from an event, series of events, or set of circumstances that is experienced by an individual as physically or emotionally harmful or life threatening and that has lasting adverse effects on the individual’s functioning and mental, physical, social, emotional, or spiritual well-being. It's important to note that trauma is subject...

](/en/answer/i-was-assaulted-6-years-ago-but-the-memories-are-just-beginning-to-flow-back-i-think-about-it-every-other-day-and-its-been-causing-me-a-lot-of-stress-and-depression-could-this-be-a-sign-that-it-was-traumatic-202)

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[

#### I experienced sexual violence. How do I get over the guilt of reporting it?

🇺🇸

Thank you for this question. I want to start by acknowledging your strength and courage in reaching out for support. Dealing with the aftermath of sexual violence is incredibly difficult, and the feelings of guilt you're experiencing are a common and valid response to trauma and the decisions survivors often need to make in the aftermath. Please know that the guilt is not yours to carry - the responsibility lies solely with the person who harmed you.

](/en/answer/i-experienced-sexual-violence-how-do-i-get-over-the-guilt-of-reporting-it-124)

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#### I'm a man in my mid-30s trying to cope with the impact of childhood sexual abuse by multiple perpetrators over several years. The abuse began when I was very young and involved different people in various contexts—including family members, someone in a position of authority, and others in my life. This has left me with severe anxiety, compulsive sexual behaviors, and a profound struggle with my identity. I'm reaching out to see if anyone has found a path to healing from complex and repeated trauma.

🇮🇳

Thank you for trusting this space with your story. What you experienced was profound betrayal by multiple people who should have protected you, and the courage it takes to reach out and name these experiences is significant. You deserved safety, protection, and care throughout your childhood, and none of what happened to you was your fault.

](/en/answer/im-a-man-in-my-mid-30s-trying-to-cope-with-the-impact-of-childhood-sexual-abuse-by-multiple-perpetrators-over-several-years-the-abuse-began-when-i-was-very-young-and-involved-different-people-in-vario)

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[

#### Why do I feel so disgusted by myself? It's been months since he touched me and days since I was stalked, and I still feel so uncomfortable in my own skin. Why can't I move past this?

🇺🇸

There is nothing wrong with you for still feeling this way. The disgust you're feeling is not about who you are...it's about what was done to you. But trauma has a cruel way of turning that outward violation inward, making you feel like the wrongness lives inside your body rather than in the actions of the person who harmed you.

](/en/answer/why-do-i-feel-so-disgusted-by-myself-its-been-months-since-he-touched-me-and-days-since-i-was-stalked-and-i-still-feel-so-uncomfortable-in-my-own-skin-why-cant-i-move-past-this-858)

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#### I didn’t know I lived with trauma until I started therapy...now I can’t help but minimize it?

🇺🇸

We received many questions about trauma processing and identity. Let’s talk about this in two parts with the help of a PhD prepared mental health nurse and sexual assault nurse examiner from @ourwavestories. We will start with talking about coming to terms with trauma as it relates to our identity, and then we will talk about integrating it into our identity.

](/en/answer/i-didnt-know-i-lived-with-trauma-until-started-therapy-now-cant-help-but-minimize-7)

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[

#### I feel out of control and can feel my abuser's hands on me constantly. I can't tell which thoughts are mine versus his, and he feels so present in my mind and heart that I can't escape him. I feel like I'm having constant panic attacks and it's exhausting. How do I begin to deal with this? Is there anything I can do to stop this feeling or at least distract myself?

🇺🇸

I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. What you are experiencing is incredibly challenging and exhausting, and I want you to know that your feelings are completely valid. You've been through a traumatic experience, and these overwhelming sensations and thoughts are common responses to trauma. They don't mean you're broken or that there's something wrong with you.

](/en/answer/i-feel-out-of-control-and-can-feel-my-abusers-hands-on-me-constantly-i-cant-tell-which-thoughts-are-mine-versus-his-and-he-feels-so-present-in-my-mind-and-heart-that-i-cant-escape-him-i-feel-like-im-h)

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[

#### I have been in a relationship with my current significant other for about 5 months. They love me and treat me well. They know my past and make me feel safe. However, it has been hard for me to mentally move past my previous relationship, which had a lot of emotional abuse and sexual abuse. How do I get my brain out of the "survival" mode in relationships so I can truly love my partner the way they (and I) deserve?

🇺🇸

Thank you for reaching out to us. First and foremost, I want to acknowledge the strength you've shown in moving forward from an abusive relationship. The fact that you're now in a loving, supportive partnership is truly hopeful and a testament to your resilience.

](/en/answer/i-have-been-in-a-relationship-with-my-current-significant-other-for-about-5-months-they-love-me-and-treat-me-well-they-know-my-past-and-make-me-feel-safe-however-it-has-been-hard-for-me-to-mentally-move-past-my-previous-relationship-which-had-a-lot-of-emotional-abuse-and-sexual-abuse-how-do-i-get-my-brain-out-of-the-survival-mode-in-relationships-so-i-can-truly-love-my-partner-the-way-they-and-i-deserve-223 "I have been in a relationship with my current significant other for about 5 months. They love me and treat me well. They know my past and make me feel safe. However, it has been hard for me to mentally move past my previous relationship, which had a lot of emotional abuse and sexual abuse. How do I get my brain out of the \"survival\" mode in relationships so I can truly love my partner the way they (and I) deserve?")

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## More topics

[

Making sense of childhood experiences

](/en/learn/topics/making-sense-of-childhood-experiences)[

Understanding specific types of trauma and harm

](/en/learn/topics/understanding-specific-types-of-trauma-and-harm)[

Making sense of adult experiences

](/en/learn/topics/making-sense-of-adult-experiences)[

Seeking help after trauma

](/en/learn/topics/seeking-help-after-trauma)[

Sex, sexuality, and intimacy after trauma

](/en/learn/topics/sex-sexuality-and-intimacy-after-trauma)[

Sharing your story with others

](/en/learn/topics/sharing-your-story-with-others)

[See all topics](/en/learn/topics)

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Grounding activity

Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud:

5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window)

4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?)

3 – things you can hear

2 – things you can smell

1 – thing you like about yourself.

Take a deep breath to end.

From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at.

Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one).

Take a deep breath to end.

Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud:

1\. Where am I?

2\. What day of the week is today?

3\. What is today’s date?

4\. What is the current month?

5\. What is the current year?

6\. How old am I?

7\. What season is it?

Take a deep breath to end.

Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder.

Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud.

Take a deep breath to end.

Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment.

Take a deep breath to end.

Try another grounding activity

I feel grounded and ready