---
title: Making sense of childhood experiences: Expert Answers ~ Our Wave
description: Making sense of childhood experiences: 398 survivor questions answered by trauma-informed experts in the Our Wave community.
url: https://community.ourwave.org/en/learn/topics/making-sense-of-childhood-experiences.md
---

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# Making sense of childhood experiences

Ask a question

Questions about harm that happened in childhood, from abuse by adults to experiences with other children, and how those memories can shape life now.

398 questions from survivors on this topic, each answered by a trauma-informed expert.

[

#### A few years ago, I had a memory resurface of when I was 11-12 years old. I briefly (for a few seconds) placed the back of my hand on a family friend's (5-year-old male) private area. I remember him saying 'that is my private area' and I immediately removed my hand and never did that again. I'm not sure why I did it. I had a lot of sexual curiosity at that age and exposure to pornography. No other sexual actions occurred between us, and there was no intent to do anything sexual. I think I was just curious. I spoke to a therapist who said this wasn't COCSA or any sexual crime, and that it's not uncommon. She noted that although there was an age difference, there were no sexual actions taken or force/manipulation used. Do you agree with my therapist? I'm not sure if this was a crime or just normal childhood exploration.

🇦🇺

Thank you for sharing this memory with us and seeking clarity about it. The confusion and concern you are feeling are completely understandable, and it shows your care for others that you're reflecting on this experience thoughtfully. Your therapist's assessment aligns with what many professionals would consider about this situation. What you're describing appears to be a brief moment of childhood curiosity rather than COCSA or criminal behavior. Several factors support this. For example, the contact was very brief, you immediately stopped whe...

](/en/answer/a-few-years-ago-i-had-a-memory-resurface-of-when-i-was-11-12-years-old-i-briefly-for-a-few-seconds-placed-the-back-of-my-hand-on-a-family-friends-5-year-old-male-private-area-i-remember-him-saying-tha)

7 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

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[

#### When I was young, my younger sibling who was 6 at the time repeatedly engaged in sexual acts with me over the course of a week. I allowed it to happen because it felt good at the time and I didn't think it was wrong. Does this count as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA)?

🇺🇸

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us. What you've described is a complex and confusing situation that some children face, but aren't sure how to make sense of as adults. Developmentally, it's common for children, especially young ones, to explore their bodies and engage in sexual play with other children as part of learning about their bodies and sexuality. In this vein, some degree of exploratory play between siblings is also not unusual, particularly if there hasn't been a lot of education about boundaries. However, dependin...

](/en/answer/when-i-was-young-my-younger-sibling-who-was-6-at-the-time-repeatedly-engaged-in-sexual-acts-with-me-over-the-course-of-a-week-i-allowed-it-to-happen-because-it-felt-good-at-the-time-and-i-didnt-think-it-was-wrong-does-this-count-as-child-on-child-sexual-abuse-cocsa-156)

5 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

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[

#### When I was a child, my parents repeatedly forced enemas on me. I remember screaming and begging to stop then finally giving in, freezing and dissociating. I've only recently (30 years later) had the courage to recall this memory, of which I used to have flashbacks that made me sick. My parents are nice people, but I feel like I am a survivor of a kind of sexual abuse. Can you help me understand what happened to me?

🇮🇹

Thank you for this question. First and foremost, I want to commend you for your bravery in confronting this painful memory and seeking understanding. Recognizing the impact of childhood experiences is a courageous step in the healing process. What you've described - being repeatedly subjected to forced enemas despite your protests and distress - sounds deeply distressing and violating. The fact that you recall screaming, begging, and then dissociating (a common trauma response) underscores the emotional impact of these experiences.

](/en/answer/when-i-was-a-child-my-parents-repeatedly-forced-enemas-on-me-i-remember-screaming-and-begging-to-stop-then-finally-giving-in-freezing-and-dissociating-ive-only-recently-30-years-later-had-the-courage-to-recall-this-memory-of-which-i-used-to-have-flashbacks-that-made-me-sick-my-parents-are-nice-people-but-i-feel-like-i-am-a-survivor-of-a-kind-of-sexual-abuse-can-you-help-me-understand-what-happened-to-me-119)

5 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

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8 Comment(s) Comment(s)

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[

#### I'm struggling to differentiate between normal childhood curiosity and sexual abuse. These are two hypothetical situations: 1. A twelve-year-old started touching and kissing a four-year-old. She asked them to stop. This happened twice. 2. A twelve-year-old briefly inappropriately touched a four-year-old's private area over clothing, and when asked to stop, they immediately did and nothing more happened ever again. Would situation 1 be viewed as sexual assault/abuse, and situation 2 be viewed as normal childhood curiosity?

🇺🇸

Thanks for asking aboout this. The distinction between normal childhood curiosity and problematic sexual behavior involves several important factors, with age differences and genuine mutuality being key considerations. A key difference lies in the age gap between the children and the presence or absence of genuine mutuality. When a four-year-old is interacting with a twelve-year-old, there is already a significant disparity in power, understanding, and development. Children that young do not have the capacity to consent, and a much older child...

](/en/answer/im-struggling-to-differentiate-between-normal-childhood-curiosity-and-sexual-abuse-these-are-two-hypothetical-situations-1-a-twelve-year-old-started-touching-and-kissing-a-four-year-old-she-asked-them)

4 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

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16 Comment(s) Comment(s)

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[

#### Why did my cousin and I touch each other's private parts when we were little? Is this normal or does it mean something concerning?

🇲🇽

It's completely understandable to wonder about childhood memories like these. When we look back on our early years, it's natural to have questions about behaviors that seem confusing or surprising in hindsight, and it's brave of you to seek information to better understand what happened.

](/en/answer/why-did-my-cousin-and-i-touch-each-others-private-parts-when-we-were-little-is-this-normal-or-does-it-mean-something-concerning-699)

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[

#### When I was around 8-10 years old, I was involved in inappropriate sexual play with two cousins during summer visits. While my older cousin initiated most of these interactions through games like truth or dare, I also initiated an incident with my younger cousin that I deeply regret and know caused harm. Their families know but mine doesn't. I carry intense guilt and shame about this, complicated by my own history of family abuse. While we remain on friendly terms, I've never addressed it. I now have a loving girlfriend and am close with my mom and brother, but I'm terrified of losing them if they found out about what I did as a child. How do I process these feelings and handle the fear of losing my loved ones?

🇺🇸

Thank you for having the courage to share your experience with us. First and foremost, please know that what happened when you were a child does not define who you are today. You were a young child yourself, navigating complex situations while also experiencing abuse in your own home. Your feelings of remorse and concern for the impact of your actions show your deep capacity for empathy and growth.

](/en/answer/when-i-was-around-8-10-years-old-i-was-involved-in-inappropriate-sexual-play-with-two-cousins-during-summer-visits-while-my-older-cousin-initiated-most-of-these-interactions-through-games-like-truth-or-dare-i-also-initiated-an-incident-with-my-younger-cousin-that-i-deeply-regret-and-know-caused-harm-their-families-know-but-mine-doesnt-i-carry-intense-guilt-and-shame-about-this-complicated-by-my-own-history-of-family-abuse-while-we-remain-on-friendly-terms-ive-never-addressed-it-i-now-have-a-loving-girlfriend-and-am-close-with-my-mom-and-brother-but-im-terrified-of-losing-them-if-they-found-out-about-what-i-did-as-a-child-how-do-i-process-these-feelings-and-handle-the-fear-of-losing-my-loved-ones-321)

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[

#### I think I might've been groomed and sexually abused as a child, but my memory feels very scrambled. I feel guilty for thinking I might've been assaulted, what do I do?

🇺🇸

Thank you so much for trusting us with this question. To start, you are not alone. It is quite common for individuals who are processing childhood trauma to feel guilt, shame, and confusion. It is also common for survivors to not want to believe what happened to them was real, or for them to have memory gaps surrounding certain details of these events. Only you know what you have experienced, but here are some of our thoughts below.

](/en/answer/i-think-i-mightve-been-groomed-and-sexually-abused-as-a-child-but-my-memory-feels-very-scrambled-i-feel-guilty-for-thinking-i-mightve-been-assaulted-what-do-i-do-63)

3 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

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[

#### When I was about 4 years old my 9 year old sister started forcing me to kiss her on the mouth, I never wanted to do it but she forced me to, does it count as abuse? Or am I just being dramatic?

🇲🇽

Thank you so much for this question. You are not being dramatic. First and foremost, it’s important to remember that only you can define what happened to you. Sexual violence is deeply personal, and how you understand and process your experiences is entirely up to you. While we aim to provide support and information, please know that we are not here to label or define your experience. Your experience is yours and yours alone.

](/en/answer/when-i-was-about-4-years-old-my-9-year-old-sister-started-forcing-me-to-kiss-her-on-the-mouth-i-never-wanted-to-do-it-but-she-forced-me-to-does-it-count-as-abuse-102)

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[

#### I was exposed to adult content online at a very young age (8-9) when given unrestricted internet access. This led me to engage in inappropriate sexual behavior with my younger sister on one occasion. Even though I've told my parents and closest friends who all believe I deserve forgiveness, I'm consumed by guilt and feel like I don't deserve anything good in my life. How do I move forward from this?

🇺🇸

Thank you for trusting us with this. I hear the pain and remorse in your words and I understand why the memory of that moment continues to trouble you. What you're describing is actually more common than many people realize, and your feelings of guilt show both your moral development and your capacity for empathy. From what you've described, you were both very young at the time, navigating curiosity about things you'd seen that you were not old enough to process. While it may feel overwhelming, it is important to remember that you were a child...

](/en/answer/i-was-exposed-to-adult-content-online-at-a-very-young-age-8-9-when-given-unrestricted-internet-access-this-led-me-to-engage-in-inappropriate-sexual-behavior-with-my-younger-sister-on-one-occasion-even)

6 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

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[

#### I was nine when I was first abused. Can a nine-year-old assault another nine-year-old?

🇺🇸

Thank you so much for asking this question. Yes, a nine-year-old can certainly abuse or assault another nine-year-old. For an example of this, take a look at this question we recently responded to another survivor who experienced abuse by a peer at age nine. You can also learn more about child-on-child sexual abuse here. Thank you so much for asking this question. Your experience matters and you are not alone.

](/en/answer/i-was-nine-when-i-was-first-abused-can-a-nine-year-old-assault-another-nine-year-old-171)

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[

#### When I was 13, someone older inappropriately touched me. I'm still unsure if the touch was sexual in nature, but it left me feeling confused and angry. I kept quiet about it for a long time, though it made me sad. Will I ever stop feeling guilty about not speaking up sooner?

🇦🇷

Thank you so much for sharing your intimate feelings with us. Feelings of guilt about not speaking up sooner are completely normal, but please know that keeping quiet was not wrong or your fault. Many people stay silent about uncomfortable or traumatic experiences, especially when they happen during childhood. Confusion about the nature of the touch is absolutely valid - our minds and bodies often need time to process experiences that feel violating or uncomfortable. Your courage in exploring these feelings now shows incredible strength.

](/en/answer/when-i-was-13-someone-older-inappropriately-touched-me-im-still-unsure-if-the-touch-was-sexual-in-nature-but-it-left-me-feeling-confused-and-angry-i-kept-quiet-about-it-for-a-long-time-though-it-made-me-sad-will-i-ever-stop-feeling-guilty-about-not-speaking-up-sooner-335)

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[

#### I’ve heard that trauma can often cause the victim to develop kinks related to it, but what’s the youngest this can happen? I've had certain preoccupations since elementary school that I don't understand. Is this related to early experiences, and why might it happen?

🇰🇼

Thank you for reaching out about this sensitive topic. It's understandable to have questions about your experiences and feelings. Trauma can influence a person's interests or fixations, but it's important to understand that this is a complex topic without simple answers. The development of interests, including sexual ones, is influenced by many factors and can begin at different ages for different individuals.

](/en/answer/ive-heard-that-trauma-can-often-cause-the-victim-to-develop-kinks-related-to-it-but-whats-the-youngest-this-can-happen-ive-had-certain-preoccupations-since-elementary-school-that-i-dont-understand-is-this-related-to-early-experiences-and-why-might-it-happen-221)

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[

#### Is it still considered childhood-on-child-sexual abuse (COCSA) if I was forced to say yes during the experience?

🇺🇸

Thank you for reaching out with this important question. I'm sorry to hear that you're grappling with such a difficult and confusing experience. Consent must be given freely, willingly, and without any form of pressure, manipulation, or coercion. If you were forced to say "yes," then genuine consent was not present. Being forced to give consent is not true consent at all--it is coercion and it completely invalidates any verbal agreement you may have given.

](/en/answer/is-it-still-considered-childhood-on-child-sexual-abuse-cocsa-if-i-was-forced-to-say-yes-during-the-experience-685 "Thank you for reaching out with this important question. I'm sorry to hear that you're grappling with such a difficult and confusing experience. Consent must be given freely, willingly, and without any form of pressure, manipulation, or coercion. If you were forced to say \"yes,\" then genuine consent was not present. Being forced to give consent is not true consent at all--it is coercion and it completely invalidates any verbal agreement you may have given.")

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[

#### Is it still sexual assault if I was told by an adult to send nude photos of myself, even if it was only over text?

🇺🇸

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your question. Yes, what you experienced is a form of sexual exploitation and abuse, and in many jurisdictions, it's classified as a crime. When an adult solicits nude images from someone, they are engaging in sexually abusive behavior that violates boundaries and consent. The fact that this occurred through text messages doesn't diminish the seriousness of what happened. This behavior is a serious violation of trust and boundaries, and it is illegal in many places.

](/en/answer/is-it-still-sexual-assault-if-i-was-told-by-an-adult-to-send-nude-photos-of-myself-even-if-it-was-only-over-text-634)

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[

#### Can two younger children (e.g. ages 9-11) consent to sex? I don't believe they can. But if no adult is around to monitor what's going on, how does the child on the receiving end of the other child's behavior (initiated and lead by the other child) classify their experience? If they don't know what they are consenting to, and no isn't an option for them, is this abuse? This was my experience and I struggle so much with accepting what happened as being abuse. But I have all the hallmark signs of having been abused as a child.

🇬🇧

I'm so sorry that you experienced this and are struggling with the impact and meaning of it. What you're describing sounds distressing and violating, even though both people involved were children. You're absolutely right that legally children ages 9-11 cannot meaningfully consent to sex, regardless of whether an adult is present. Children that age are not developmentally capable of understanding or consenting to sexual activity. If one child initiates sexual behaviors and the other child feels unable to refuse or stop what's happening, that i...

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[

#### Is it normal to have confusion about intimate childhood experiences with a cousin who was two years older?

🇲🇽

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your question. It's completely understandable to have questions about childhood experiences, especially as you reflect on them later in life. Exploring curiosity about bodies and sexuality is a natural part of growing up, and it's not uncommon for children close in age to engage in some form of exploration with peers or relatives.When children engage in activities like touching each other, several factors are important to consider, such as age, understanding, consent, and whether any coercion was involved...

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#### I have a memory from when I was young where my dad let me rub his chest to help me fall asleep. I'm not sure how to feel about this memory or whether I should try to forget it. How do I deal with this?

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Thank you for trusting us with this memory and these difficult feelings. It is completely normal to feel unsure about a confusing childhood memory, especially when it revives strong emotions or discomfort. At four to seven years old, you were still learning about boundaries and appropriate touch, and you depended on the adults around you to guide and protect you. Children naturally seek comfort and closeness in many different ways, and needing soothing touch to fall asleep is completely normal developmental behavior. Many children find c...

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#### Is it still child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA) or sexual assault if the offender feels bad for it and feels guilty?

🇺🇸

Thank you for bringing up this important question. To answer your question simply: Yes, it is still considered COCSA or sexual assault even if the offender feels bad for their actions and feels guilty afterward. The feelings of the person who committed the harmful act do not change the nature of what happened or its impact on the person who was harmed.Sexual abuse and assault are defined by actions that violate someone's boundaries and consent, regardless of the offender's intentions or subsequent emotions. While an offender's guilt may indica...

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#### I agreed and we were playing, but I was a child at the time. I'm trying to understand what this experience was since it wasn't rape. Can you help me make sense of this?

🇿🇦

Thank you for reaching out to understand this complex and confusing experience. Your question addresses something many people struggle to make sense of - the difference between childhood "agreement" or "play" and true consent. During childhood, our participation or "agreement" in activities works very differently from adult consent. Children may go along with things or even actively participate, but they lack the emotional and psychological development to truly understand and consent to sexual activities. Just as we recognize that children are...

](/en/answer/i-agreed-and-we-were-playing-but-i-was-a-child-at-the-time-im-trying-to-understand-what-this-experience-was-since-it-wasnt-rape-can-you-help-me-make-sense-of-this-398 "Thank you for reaching out to understand this complex and confusing experience. Your question addresses something many people struggle to make sense of - the difference between childhood \"agreement\" or \"play\" and true consent.
During childhood, our participation or \"agreement\" in activities works very differently from adult consent. Children may go along with things or even actively participate, but they lack the emotional and psychological development to truly understand and consent to sexual activities. Just as we recognize that children are...")

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#### When I was 9 or 10 years old, my sister (who was 5 or 6 at the time) and I played an imaginary game where our characters would 'date.' The game involved a quick peck on the lips, and on one occasion, I asked her to lay on top of me. However, I quickly stopped the game because it felt wrong, and we never played it again. Now, as an adult, I feel intense guilt and shame, and I'm afraid that I may have sexually abused her. I have discussed this with my therapist and friends who have experienced abuse, and they all reassured me that I did not abuse my sister. Despite this, I can't shake the fear that I did something terribly wrong. Did my actions constitute sexual abuse?

🇺🇸

Thank you so much for sharing this heavy load that you care carrying. I hear your concern and the intense guilt and shame you're feeling about this childhood experience with your sister. It's important to recognize that curiosity about bodies and relationships is a normal part of child development. Many children engage in exploratory play, like playing "house" or "doctor," which can sometimes involve playful physical affection like brief kissing or cuddling. When this play is light and mutual, it is usually considered harmless.

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#### When I was 13, I was on a trip with my uncle and we shared a room. He invited me to take off my pajamas, and he was naked too. He touched me and fingered me, and I had my first orgasm. He told me to say stop if I felt uncomfortable, but I didn't say anything even though I felt terribly uncomfortable. It only happened once, and he's acted completely normal ever since, like it never happened. We still see each other at family gatherings. I don't know what to think about this. Sometimes it feels like nothing really happened because we didn't have sex and it only happened once. But I also have a lot of feelings of guilt and shame because I didn't say stop. What should I think about this experience?

🇨🇿

I'm so sorry you went through such a painful and confusing experience. It can be deeply upsetting to look back on an event like that and question everything, especially when it's someone in your family who made you feel uncomfortable. What your uncle did to you was sexual abuse. You were a child, and he was an adult in a position of trust and authority who had much more power and responsibility. Even if there was no visible force or "traditional" form of rape, what happened to you was still a violation.

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#### When I was around 7, another child who was about a year older introduced me to sexual activity and asked if I wanted to participate. I was shy and a people pleaser, so I said yes without understanding what it meant. We engaged in sexual behaviors together. I only recently realized this experience might have been harmful. Does this count as COCSA?

🇯🇵

I'm so glad you reached out, and I want you to know that it's completely understandable to feel uncertain about labeling this experience, especially given how young you both were at the time. When children as young as seven or eight engage in sexual behavior, it can be confusing to make sense of later in life, particularly when thinking about concepts like consent and understanding at that age. Children in that age range generally do not have the emotional or developmental capacity to fully understand or consent to sexual activities. Without r...

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#### A boy my age touched my chest without asking. He didn’t pressure or coerce me, he just put his hands on me without consent. Does this count as assault when he didn’t force me, and we were 9?

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Thank you for sharing this sensitive experience. What happened to you - having your chest touched without consent - is a form of inappropriate touching, even though you were both very young at the time. It's important to understand that only you can decide how to label or define your own experiences. While I can provide information and context, the way you choose to view or describe what happened is entirely up to you. Your perspective is valid and may even change over time as you process the experience, which is completely normal.

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#### When I was 16, my 15-year-old boyfriend pressured me into sexual activity at a party. I have autism and struggle with social cues. I didn't want to do it but nodded after he kept begging. I never told him to stop, but afterwards I left and threw up. I felt very uncomfortable afterward but never told him. Was this assault? Is it valid if the other person was younger?

🇬🇧

Thank you so much for trusting us with this deeply personal experience. It sounds like a difficult situation, and your feelings about it are important. While I can provide information and perspective based on what you've shared, only you can decide how to label what happened to you. No one else can tell you how to feel about it or what to call it. Your feelings are valid, whatever they are.

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#### If me and my cousin consensually did sexual things when we were really young, but I started to feel uncomfortable even though I kept doing it without saying no does it count as sexual assault?

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Thank you for reaching out to us. While we cannot label your experience for you, we can provide some context that may help you process it. Sexual interactions between young children, even if seemingly consensual, are complicated by several factors. Children typically lack the maturity and understanding to truly consent to sexual activities. Power dynamics can exist even between children of similar ages, especially with family members. Additionally, it's worth noting that some degree of sexual curiosity and exploration between children of simil...

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#### Do you think what happened to me was abuse if I gave my consent and it was with someone my own age? To this day, I regret that experience.

🇨🇱

Thank you for reaching out and sharing something so personal. What you're describing sounds incredibly confusing and painful to carry. At such a young age, children are not capable of giving informed consent, as they don't yet have the developmental capacity, maturity, or understanding needed to truly consent to sexual activities, even with peers their own age. This isn't about intelligence or maturity -- it's simply how our brains and understanding of the world develop over time. Any experiences involving children at that age should be viewed...

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#### I experienced a sexual situation with my cousin when I was 8 and she was around 12. At the time, I didn't feel affected by it, but now that I'm older, it's impacting me. I'm unsure how to process this, considering our ages at the time and her possible awareness of her actions. How can I understand and cope with these complex feelings?

🇨🇦

Thank you for sharing this difficult experience. It's completely normal for feelings about childhood experiences to change as we grow older. Our ability to process and understand events evolves with time, and something that didn't seem significant then may carry more weight now.

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#### Is numerous cheek kisses and words of affection that were non-violent and a way of showing respect and admiration to the other person child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA)? He was an older teen and I was around 5 or 6 years old. He put me on his lap in church.

🇺🇸

Thank you for sharing this sensitive experience. Based on the details you've shared and the way you've framed them, this interaction does not appear to meet the criteria for child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA). COCSA typically involves more explicitly sexual behaviors or interactions that are clearly beyond age-appropriate curiosity or affection.

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#### Does it count as sexual assault if another child touched me inappropriately when I was young, even though I wasn't raped?

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Thank you for asking this. What you experienced could absolutely count as sexual assault depending on the context. Sexual assault is any unwanted sexual contact, and it doesn't require penetration or rape to be valid or harmful. When someone touches your body in sexual ways without your consent, whether they're an adult or another child, that can be characterized as sexual assault, and your experience and feelings about it matter completely.

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#### I shared a story on this platform and received insight that it was within the realms of typical childhood curiosity. I recently brought it up to the other person involved to apologize and ask if they remembered it happening. They said they had no memory of it and did not care. Now I am worried that by bringing it up, I may have reintroduced a memory for them, and I am scared they might remember or even report me. They insist they do not care. I also find myself wondering — if an adult had done this, it would technically be considered a crime, so should I be doing something, like turning myself in? How do I deal with all of this?

🇺🇸

Thank you so much for trusting us with this. It makes sense that this conversation stirred up a lot of fear and uncertainty, even though you approached it with genuine care and a desire to take accountability. They told you they have no memory of it and that they do not care. That is not a polite way of brushing you off...that is the most honest and complete answer they could have given you. You went to them with sincerity, you gave them a real opening to share anything they needed to share, and they used that opening to tell you they ar...

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#### When I was around 6-7 years old, another child of a similar age repeatedly pressured, emotionally manipulated, and guilt-tripped me into engaging in oral sex. Despite me saying no numerous times, he continued to pressure me until I eventually complied. Does this count as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA)?

🇬🇧

Thank you for this question and I am so sorry you experienced this. Based on the information you've shared, it sounds like what you experienced could be child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA). The repeated pressure, emotional manipulation, and guilt-tripping to engage in sexual acts, even though you both were young, is concerning and may constitute abusive behavior. Your repeated refusals should have been respected, and the fact that the other child continued to coerce you until you complied suggests a violation of your boundaries and autono...

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#### How do I move forward from the guilt I feel over something inappropriate I did as a child (11-12)? While helping a toddler change clothes, I briefly explored his genitals (not in a sexual way, but in an exploratory way) or just a few seconds. Now that I'm an adult, I wonder what my responsibilities are moving forward?

🇺🇸

Thank you for asking this and I appreciate that this is weighing on you. The fact that you're carrying this with you and asking about your responsibilities speaks to the kind of person you are now and that moral awareness deserves to be met with some gentleness toward yourself.

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#### When I was between 7-9 years old, I asked my aunt about kissing. She told me to kiss her and kept pressuring me even though I looked very uncomfortable. I didn't do it, and she said something about "testing me." This happened at my sibling's birthday party when no one was watching. She wouldn't have done this in front of anyone, especially my parents. What does this mean, and how should I understand what happened?

🇯🇴

Thank you for reaching out to us. What you experienced was inappropriate and concerning behavior from an adult. When you were curious about kissing as a young child, your aunt responded in a way that crossed boundaries and made you uncomfortable. Your discomfort was your natural instinct recognizing that something wasn't right, and you trusted that feeling by not complying with her pressure.

](/en/answer/when-i-was-between-7-9-years-old-i-asked-my-aunt-about-kissing-she-told-me-to-kiss-her-and-kept-pressuring-me-even-though-i-looked-very-uncomfortable-i-didnt-do-it-and-she-said-something-about-testing "When I was between 7-9 years old, I asked my aunt about kissing. She told me to kiss her and kept pressuring me even though I looked very uncomfortable. I didn't do it, and she said something about \"testing me.\" This happened at my sibling's birthday party when no one was watching. She wouldn't have done this in front of anyone, especially my parents. What does this mean, and how should I understand what happened?")

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#### I've come to terms that I was sexually assaulted by my older cousin when I was younger (COCSA), but what I don't understand is why I felt so desensitized and sort of numb to the experience and shrugged it off until now. Is this a normal reaction? I mean I was young and now I feel this somewhat sense of blame that I let it happen.

🇺🇸

Thank you for trusting us with your feelings and experiences. It takes a lot of courage to reflect on something so personal, especially when it involves complex emotions from childhood. What you're describing—the sense of numbness or desensitization to the experience—is actually a common reaction among people who have endured trauma at a young age.

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#### When I was very young (7-9 years), I engaged in sexual touching with my younger sister during bath time. Years later when I learned about inappropriate sexual contact, I felt disgusted and ashamed about what I had done. Do I deserve to feel this way about my childhood actions?

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Thank you for reaching out to us. When you were between 7 and 9 years old, you were still very much a child learning about the world. At that age, children are naturally curious about their bodies and the differences between themselves and others. This curiosity is a normal part of development, and young children often do not fully understand boundaries or the implications of their actions, especially regarding concepts like sexuality or consent. Children naturally explore their bodies and sometimes engage with siblings or peers in ways t...

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#### I don't think I was abused as a child, but starting in high school I began having fleeting relationships with lots of sex. It was common in my friend group. I've continued a pattern of being attracted to people who treat me badly. How can I change this pattern?

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It sounds like you've been carrying a sense of frustration and maybe even some self-blame for being caught in a cycle of relationships that don't uplift or respect you. What you're describing reflects patterns that many people recognize in their own lives, even when they don't have clear memories of childhood trauma. These behaviors can develop as responses to various experiences, including emotional neglect, boundary violations that might not register as "abuse" at the time, or growing up in environments where healthy relationship modeling wa...

](/en/answer/i-dont-think-i-was-abused-as-a-child-but-starting-in-high-school-i-began-having-fleeting-relationships-with-lots-of-sex-it-was-common-in-my-friend-group-ive-continued-a-pattern-of-being-attracted-to-p "It sounds like you've been carrying a sense of frustration and maybe even some self-blame for being caught in a cycle of relationships that don't uplift or respect you. What you're describing reflects patterns that many people recognize in their own lives, even when they don't have clear memories of childhood trauma. These behaviors can develop as responses to various experiences, including emotional neglect, boundary violations that might not register as \"abuse\" at the time, or growing up in environments where healthy relationship modeling wa...")

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#### My older cousins showed me pornography when I was in 2nd grade and I’m trying to find out if there is an abuse category for that?

🇺🇸

Thank you for reaching out to us and asking this question. I'm sorry to hear that you went through that experience at such a young age. Being exposed to pornography as a child, especially by older individuals, can be confusing and upsetting. What you described could certainly be considered a form of childhood sexual abuse or exploitation, especially if you feel that those labels resonate with your experience. More specifically, it could fall under "non-contact sexual abuse," which includes exposing a child to sexual materials or acts that...

](/en/answer/my-older-cousins-showed-me-pornography-when-i-was-in-2nd-grade-and-im-trying-to-find-out-if-there-is-an-abuse-category-for-that-436 "Thank you for reaching out to us and asking this question. I'm sorry to hear that you went through that experience at such a young age. Being exposed to pornography as a child, especially by older individuals, can be confusing and upsetting. What you described could certainly be considered a form of childhood sexual abuse or exploitation, especially if you feel that those labels resonate with your experience. More specifically, it could fall under \"non-contact sexual abuse,\" which includes exposing a child to sexual materials or acts that...")

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#### When my boyfriend was 12, he briefly touched his younger cousin's private area over their clothes for a few seconds. When his cousin asked him to move his hand, he immediately stopped and nothing happened again. He describes this as childhood curiosity from when he was going through puberty. I'm trying to understand whether this falls under typical childhood sexual exploration or if it's something more serious. Is this a common experience? He has OCD and I'm wondering if I should be concerned about this.

🇺🇸

We appreciate you reaching out with this question and understand how confusing it can be to navigate this kind of disclosure from someone you care about. It's completely natural to want to understand what happened and what it means, both for your boyfriend's younger cousin and for your relationship.

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#### Is it considered incestuous to have engaged in mutual, same-age roleplay kissing with a cousin for several years when I was a kid? How do I stop fearing that my loved ones would be disgusted by me if they knew, or that my cousin was secretly hurt or traumatized by what happened?

🇺🇸

Thank you for asking this. It is common for children who are close in age to have moments of exploration or roleplay as they learn about the world and their own bodies. Many people recall simple kissing, games, or other forms of experimentation they had as children and later wonder if it was wrong, especially when it happens within a family relationship like with a cousin. Children at a young age don't yet have the full understanding or intent that adults associate with sexuality, and they often imitate what they've seen or sensed in their env...

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#### I'm confused about terminology. Some people tell me what happened was rape, and others say it's sexual assault. When I was a child, someone pushed me to the ground, forcibly removed my clothing, held me down, and performed oral sex on me without my consent. Can someone help me understand these terms?

🇺🇸

I'm so sorry this happened to you. What you experienced was a serious violation, and I want you to know that the confusion you're feeling about terminology is completely understandable. The truth is that different places use these terms differently. In some states or countries, "rape" has a legal definition that only includes penetration with a penis, while other places define it more broadly to include any forced sexual penetration--including with tongues, fingers, or objects. "Sexual assault" is typically used as an umbrella term that...

](/en/answer/im-confused-about-terminology-some-people-tell-me-what-happened-was-rape-and-others-say-its-sexual-assault-when-i-was-a-child-someone-pushed-me-to-the-ground-forcibly-removed-my-clothing-held-me-down "I'm so sorry this happened to you. What you experienced was a serious violation, and I want you to know that the confusion you're feeling about terminology is completely understandable. 
The truth is that different places use these terms differently. In some states or countries, \"rape\" has a legal definition that only includes penetration with a penis, while other places define it more broadly to include any forced sexual penetration--including with tongues, fingers, or objects. \"Sexual assault\" is typically used as an umbrella term that...")

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#### When I was 13, I briefly placed my hand on a younger child's crotch and moved it when he indicated it was his private area. I was going through puberty and experiencing curiosity, without intent to do anything sexual. My therapist said this would be considered inappropriate exploration due to the age gap, but not COCSA, sexual assault, molestation, or criminal activity. I'm wondering if you agree with this assessment and whether there's an age at which exploration becomes something different.

🇺🇸

I can hear how much weight you've been carrying about this memory, and I'm glad you've been working with a therapist to process it. Your therapist's assessment aligns with what research tells us about childhood sexual development. When children and young adolescents explore bodies and boundaries, there is a wide range of what professionals consider typical sexual curiosity. For behavior to be labeled criminal or to be considered an assault, there generally must be intention to harm, a significant violation of one child's safety or autonom...

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#### When I was young, my siblings and I used to kiss each other on the lips and copy things we saw on TV. Due to my extreme anxiety, I'm afraid I did something wrong that I can't remember. I asked my siblings about it, but they said we were just pretending to be adults. Is this considered harmful sexual behavior? I keep having extreme anxiety that I did something wrong.

🇩🇪

Thank you for reaching out! When children are around the ages of 8 or 9, it's quite common for them to engage in play that involves imitating adults or mimicking things they've seen on TV. This can include pretending to be grown-ups, holding hands, or even innocent kisses on the lips. Such behaviors are often a natural part of childhood curiosity and development as kids explore social roles and relationships.Since your siblings recall these moments as just pretending to be adults, it suggests that these interactions were likely innocent and mu...

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#### Is this considered COCSA or exploration? I was being babysat by someone significantly older than me. We were both minors and both female. We took turns rubbing each other's genital area over underwear, but I initiated. Does the age gap mean anything?

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Thank you for reaching out to us. The age gap absolutely means something, and it's such an important part of this picture. When there is a significant age difference between two minors, the older child has more developmental understanding, more social power, and more awareness of what is and isn't appropriate...regardless of who physically initiated an act. Young children often don't have the cognitive or emotional development to truly understand what they are initiating or consenting to, which is exactly why age and developmental stage matter...

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#### I don't want to believe I was assaulted as a young child because I know this person very well and can't see it in them to act this way but I can recall details and have vivid flashbacks. What should I do? How do I seek help for this?

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Thank you so much for trusting us with this question. To start, you are not alone. It is quite common for individuals who are processing childhood trauma in adulthood to feel confused, frightened, and frustrated. It is also common for survivors to not want to believe what happened to them was real. Only you know what you have experienced, but here are some of our thoughts below.

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#### I have read two posts on this site that seem to contradict each other, and I am hoping to clarify the difference. Both posts relate to a brief touch by an older child of a younger child's private area, where the behavior stopped immediately when asked and was never repeated. In one post you describe it as normal child curiosity, and in another you describe it as problematic but not abuse. Are those saying the same thing? Can something be both a moment of normal childhood behavior and also problematic? And do most children engage in some form of problematic behavior at some point?

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Thank you for this question. You are right that those two descriptions can sound contradictory on the surface, but they are actually capturing two different and equally true things about the same kind of situation, and understanding the distinction can be really clarifying.

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#### After being groomed as a teen by someone older, all the relationships I seek out are with people around the same age as my assailant. I just don’t feel attracted to others. Is this normal. Can it be healthy?

🇺🇸

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. It takes courage to open up about such a sensitive and personal topic. I want you to know that your feelings and experiences are valid, and you're not alone in what you're going through. It's not uncommon for survivors of grooming and sexual abuse to be drawn to partners similar in age to their assailant. This pattern often stems from the trauma you experienced during a formative time in your life. I understand that might feel distressing or confusing. Let me expand on some potential reasons why y...

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#### When I was 6 years old, my grandfather touched my penis one night and had me touch his. He didn't force me, and at that time I didn't feel uncomfortable with what was happening or what he asked me to do. I even looked forward to it happening again the next night. I felt curious and wanted more. Does this make me complicit or guilty?

🇩🇴

I'm so sorry you went through something that's left you feeling uncertain about your role in it. It can be deeply confusing to look back on childhood experiences with adult eyes. Although you may have been curious or even welcomed the attention at the time, it was never your fault. Children are wired to seek affection and approval from adults, and it's very common for them to mistake harmful behavior for something acceptable when it comes from a trusted older figure. At six years old, you could not have fully understood what was happening or m...

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#### When I was very young (around 5-7 years old), my babysitter, who was also a minor but about 7 years older than me, and I engaged in inappropriate touching. I asked her to massage my vagina, and we took turns doing this to each other, with underwear on. I initiated the activity, but I'm unsure how to categorize this experience given our ages. Is this considered abuse or something else, even though I asked for it and we were both minors?

🇺🇸

This is indeed a complex and sensitive situation. Thank you for having the courage to seek understanding about it. Let me provide some perspective... First, it's crucial to understand that at 5-7 years old, you were not capable of giving informed consent to sexual activities, even if you initiated them. Children at that age don't have the maturity or understanding to comprehend the full implications of sexual behavior.

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#### As someone with OCD, I'm struggling with guilt over childhood sexual experimentation that occurred when I was about 14. This involved fully-clothed body rubbing with three female friends, including my 11-year-old stepsister. It was consensual and happened a few times. My therapist says this wasn't abuse, given my lack of ill intent and my own childlike status at the time. However, I'm worried because some definitions suggest such experimentation could be considered abuse. I had no understanding of arousal or orgasms then, and my stepsister has confirmed she never felt wronged. As a mother now, this guilt is affecting my adult life. Can you provide clarity on whether this constitutes Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse (COCSA), considering the circumstances?

🇬🇧

Thank you for reaching out to us. It takes courage to share such a personal experience and seek clarity. It's evident that this situation has caused you significant distress, and your concern reflects a deep sense of empathy and responsibility. It's important to recognize that your feelings of guilt and worry are valid, even as we examine the context of the situation. While only you and the people you did this with can label the experiences you described, my assessment is the behaviors you shared--consensual, clothed body rubbing with peers du...

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#### Is my experience valid? My best friend pressured me into sex when we were both teens. She would threaten to run away and harm herself if I didn't comply. When I went to the police, they told me they couldn't do anything and to get over it.

🇨🇦

Thank you for trusting us with this and I am so sorry you experienced such painful responses to the harm you experienced. You did not deserve that. Your experience is absolutely valid. What you're describing sounds like a form of sexual coercion, and it can be deeply traumatic regardless of the gender of the person who harmed you or your ages at the time. The fact that the police dismissed your experience doesn't make it any less real or harmful. Their response was inadequate and wrong, and I'm truly sorry that happened to you when you were se...

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#### A few years ago, I had a memory resurface of when I was 11-12 years old. I briefly (for a few seconds) placed the back of my hand on a family friend's (5-year-old male) private area. I remember him saying 'that is my private area' and I immediately removed my hand and never did that again. I'm not sure why I did it. I had a lot of sexual curiosity at that age and exposure to pornography. No other sexual actions occurred between us, and there was no intent to do anything sexual. I think I was just curious. I spoke to a therapist who said this wasn't COCSA or any sexual crime, and that it's not uncommon. She noted that although there was an age difference, there were no sexual actions taken or force/manipulation used. Do you agree with my therapist? I'm not sure if this was a crime or just normal childhood exploration.

🇦🇺

Thank you for sharing this memory with us and seeking clarity about it. The confusion and concern you are feeling are completely understandable, and it shows your care for others that you're reflecting on this experience thoughtfully. Your therapist's assessment aligns with what many professionals would consider about this situation. What you're describing appears to be a brief moment of childhood curiosity rather than COCSA or criminal behavior. Several factors support this. For example, the contact was very brief, you immediately stopped whe...

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#### I'm struggling to differentiate between normal childhood curiosity and sexual abuse. These are two hypothetical situations: 1. A twelve-year-old started touching and kissing a four-year-old. She asked them to stop. This happened twice. 2. A twelve-year-old briefly inappropriately touched a four-year-old's private area over clothing, and when asked to stop, they immediately did and nothing more happened ever again. Would situation 1 be viewed as sexual assault/abuse, and situation 2 be viewed as normal childhood curiosity?

🇺🇸

Thanks for asking aboout this. The distinction between normal childhood curiosity and problematic sexual behavior involves several important factors, with age differences and genuine mutuality being key considerations. A key difference lies in the age gap between the children and the presence or absence of genuine mutuality. When a four-year-old is interacting with a twelve-year-old, there is already a significant disparity in power, understanding, and development. Children that young do not have the capacity to consent, and a much older child...

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#### I think I might've been groomed and sexually abused as a child, but my memory feels very scrambled. I feel guilty for thinking I might've been assaulted, what do I do?

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Thank you so much for trusting us with this question. To start, you are not alone. It is quite common for individuals who are processing childhood trauma to feel guilt, shame, and confusion. It is also common for survivors to not want to believe what happened to them was real, or for them to have memory gaps surrounding certain details of these events. Only you know what you have experienced, but here are some of our thoughts below.

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#### I was nine when I was first abused. Can a nine-year-old assault another nine-year-old?

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Thank you so much for asking this question. Yes, a nine-year-old can certainly abuse or assault another nine-year-old. For an example of this, take a look at this question we recently responded to another survivor who experienced abuse by a peer at age nine. You can also learn more about child-on-child sexual abuse here. Thank you so much for asking this question. Your experience matters and you are not alone.

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#### Is it still considered childhood-on-child-sexual abuse (COCSA) if I was forced to say yes during the experience?

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Thank you for reaching out with this important question. I'm sorry to hear that you're grappling with such a difficult and confusing experience. Consent must be given freely, willingly, and without any form of pressure, manipulation, or coercion. If you were forced to say "yes," then genuine consent was not present. Being forced to give consent is not true consent at all--it is coercion and it completely invalidates any verbal agreement you may have given.

](/en/answer/is-it-still-considered-childhood-on-child-sexual-abuse-cocsa-if-i-was-forced-to-say-yes-during-the-experience-685 "Thank you for reaching out with this important question. I'm sorry to hear that you're grappling with such a difficult and confusing experience. Consent must be given freely, willingly, and without any form of pressure, manipulation, or coercion. If you were forced to say \"yes,\" then genuine consent was not present. Being forced to give consent is not true consent at all--it is coercion and it completely invalidates any verbal agreement you may have given.")

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#### Is it normal to have confusion about intimate childhood experiences with a cousin who was two years older?

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Thank you for reaching out and sharing your question. It's completely understandable to have questions about childhood experiences, especially as you reflect on them later in life. Exploring curiosity about bodies and sexuality is a natural part of growing up, and it's not uncommon for children close in age to engage in some form of exploration with peers or relatives.When children engage in activities like touching each other, several factors are important to consider, such as age, understanding, consent, and whether any coercion was involved...

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#### I agreed and we were playing, but I was a child at the time. I'm trying to understand what this experience was since it wasn't rape. Can you help me make sense of this?

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Thank you for reaching out to understand this complex and confusing experience. Your question addresses something many people struggle to make sense of - the difference between childhood "agreement" or "play" and true consent. During childhood, our participation or "agreement" in activities works very differently from adult consent. Children may go along with things or even actively participate, but they lack the emotional and psychological development to truly understand and consent to sexual activities. Just as we recognize that children are...

](/en/answer/i-agreed-and-we-were-playing-but-i-was-a-child-at-the-time-im-trying-to-understand-what-this-experience-was-since-it-wasnt-rape-can-you-help-me-make-sense-of-this-398 "Thank you for reaching out to understand this complex and confusing experience. Your question addresses something many people struggle to make sense of - the difference between childhood \"agreement\" or \"play\" and true consent.
During childhood, our participation or \"agreement\" in activities works very differently from adult consent. Children may go along with things or even actively participate, but they lack the emotional and psychological development to truly understand and consent to sexual activities. Just as we recognize that children are...")

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#### When I was around 7, another child who was about a year older introduced me to sexual activity and asked if I wanted to participate. I was shy and a people pleaser, so I said yes without understanding what it meant. We engaged in sexual behaviors together. I only recently realized this experience might have been harmful. Does this count as COCSA?

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I'm so glad you reached out, and I want you to know that it's completely understandable to feel uncertain about labeling this experience, especially given how young you both were at the time. When children as young as seven or eight engage in sexual behavior, it can be confusing to make sense of later in life, particularly when thinking about concepts like consent and understanding at that age. Children in that age range generally do not have the emotional or developmental capacity to fully understand or consent to sexual activities. Without r...

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#### If me and my cousin consensually did sexual things when we were really young, but I started to feel uncomfortable even though I kept doing it without saying no does it count as sexual assault?

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Thank you for reaching out to us. While we cannot label your experience for you, we can provide some context that may help you process it. Sexual interactions between young children, even if seemingly consensual, are complicated by several factors. Children typically lack the maturity and understanding to truly consent to sexual activities. Power dynamics can exist even between children of similar ages, especially with family members. Additionally, it's worth noting that some degree of sexual curiosity and exploration between children of simil...

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#### Is numerous cheek kisses and words of affection that were non-violent and a way of showing respect and admiration to the other person child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA)? He was an older teen and I was around 5 or 6 years old. He put me on his lap in church.

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Thank you for sharing this sensitive experience. Based on the details you've shared and the way you've framed them, this interaction does not appear to meet the criteria for child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA). COCSA typically involves more explicitly sexual behaviors or interactions that are clearly beyond age-appropriate curiosity or affection.

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#### When I was around 6-7 years old, another child of a similar age repeatedly pressured, emotionally manipulated, and guilt-tripped me into engaging in oral sex. Despite me saying no numerous times, he continued to pressure me until I eventually complied. Does this count as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA)?

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Thank you for this question and I am so sorry you experienced this. Based on the information you've shared, it sounds like what you experienced could be child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA). The repeated pressure, emotional manipulation, and guilt-tripping to engage in sexual acts, even though you both were young, is concerning and may constitute abusive behavior. Your repeated refusals should have been respected, and the fact that the other child continued to coerce you until you complied suggests a violation of your boundaries and autono...

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#### I've come to terms that I was sexually assaulted by my older cousin when I was younger (COCSA), but what I don't understand is why I felt so desensitized and sort of numb to the experience and shrugged it off until now. Is this a normal reaction? I mean I was young and now I feel this somewhat sense of blame that I let it happen.

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Thank you for trusting us with your feelings and experiences. It takes a lot of courage to reflect on something so personal, especially when it involves complex emotions from childhood. What you're describing—the sense of numbness or desensitization to the experience—is actually a common reaction among people who have endured trauma at a young age.

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#### My older cousins showed me pornography when I was in 2nd grade and I’m trying to find out if there is an abuse category for that?

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Thank you for reaching out to us and asking this question. I'm sorry to hear that you went through that experience at such a young age. Being exposed to pornography as a child, especially by older individuals, can be confusing and upsetting. What you described could certainly be considered a form of childhood sexual abuse or exploitation, especially if you feel that those labels resonate with your experience. More specifically, it could fall under "non-contact sexual abuse," which includes exposing a child to sexual materials or acts that...

](/en/answer/my-older-cousins-showed-me-pornography-when-i-was-in-2nd-grade-and-im-trying-to-find-out-if-there-is-an-abuse-category-for-that-436 "Thank you for reaching out to us and asking this question. I'm sorry to hear that you went through that experience at such a young age. Being exposed to pornography as a child, especially by older individuals, can be confusing and upsetting. What you described could certainly be considered a form of childhood sexual abuse or exploitation, especially if you feel that those labels resonate with your experience. More specifically, it could fall under \"non-contact sexual abuse,\" which includes exposing a child to sexual materials or acts that...")

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#### I'm confused about terminology. Some people tell me what happened was rape, and others say it's sexual assault. When I was a child, someone pushed me to the ground, forcibly removed my clothing, held me down, and performed oral sex on me without my consent. Can someone help me understand these terms?

🇺🇸

I'm so sorry this happened to you. What you experienced was a serious violation, and I want you to know that the confusion you're feeling about terminology is completely understandable. The truth is that different places use these terms differently. In some states or countries, "rape" has a legal definition that only includes penetration with a penis, while other places define it more broadly to include any forced sexual penetration--including with tongues, fingers, or objects. "Sexual assault" is typically used as an umbrella term that...

](/en/answer/im-confused-about-terminology-some-people-tell-me-what-happened-was-rape-and-others-say-its-sexual-assault-when-i-was-a-child-someone-pushed-me-to-the-ground-forcibly-removed-my-clothing-held-me-down "I'm so sorry this happened to you. What you experienced was a serious violation, and I want you to know that the confusion you're feeling about terminology is completely understandable. 
The truth is that different places use these terms differently. In some states or countries, \"rape\" has a legal definition that only includes penetration with a penis, while other places define it more broadly to include any forced sexual penetration--including with tongues, fingers, or objects. \"Sexual assault\" is typically used as an umbrella term that...")

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#### Is this considered COCSA or exploration? I was being babysat by someone significantly older than me. We were both minors and both female. We took turns rubbing each other's genital area over underwear, but I initiated. Does the age gap mean anything?

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Thank you for reaching out to us. The age gap absolutely means something, and it's such an important part of this picture. When there is a significant age difference between two minors, the older child has more developmental understanding, more social power, and more awareness of what is and isn't appropriate...regardless of who physically initiated an act. Young children often don't have the cognitive or emotional development to truly understand what they are initiating or consenting to, which is exactly why age and developmental stage matter...

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#### After being groomed as a teen by someone older, all the relationships I seek out are with people around the same age as my assailant. I just don’t feel attracted to others. Is this normal. Can it be healthy?

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Thank you for sharing your experience with us. It takes courage to open up about such a sensitive and personal topic. I want you to know that your feelings and experiences are valid, and you're not alone in what you're going through. It's not uncommon for survivors of grooming and sexual abuse to be drawn to partners similar in age to their assailant. This pattern often stems from the trauma you experienced during a formative time in your life. I understand that might feel distressing or confusing. Let me expand on some potential reasons why y...

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#### As someone with OCD, I'm struggling with guilt over childhood sexual experimentation that occurred when I was about 14. This involved fully-clothed body rubbing with three female friends, including my 11-year-old stepsister. It was consensual and happened a few times. My therapist says this wasn't abuse, given my lack of ill intent and my own childlike status at the time. However, I'm worried because some definitions suggest such experimentation could be considered abuse. I had no understanding of arousal or orgasms then, and my stepsister has confirmed she never felt wronged. As a mother now, this guilt is affecting my adult life. Can you provide clarity on whether this constitutes Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse (COCSA), considering the circumstances?

🇬🇧

Thank you for reaching out to us. It takes courage to share such a personal experience and seek clarity. It's evident that this situation has caused you significant distress, and your concern reflects a deep sense of empathy and responsibility. It's important to recognize that your feelings of guilt and worry are valid, even as we examine the context of the situation. While only you and the people you did this with can label the experiences you described, my assessment is the behaviors you shared--consensual, clothed body rubbing with peers du...

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#### When I was young, my younger sibling who was 6 at the time repeatedly engaged in sexual acts with me over the course of a week. I allowed it to happen because it felt good at the time and I didn't think it was wrong. Does this count as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA)?

🇺🇸

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us. What you've described is a complex and confusing situation that some children face, but aren't sure how to make sense of as adults. Developmentally, it's common for children, especially young ones, to explore their bodies and engage in sexual play with other children as part of learning about their bodies and sexuality. In this vein, some degree of exploratory play between siblings is also not unusual, particularly if there hasn't been a lot of education about boundaries. However, dependin...

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#### Why did my cousin and I touch each other's private parts when we were little? Is this normal or does it mean something concerning?

🇲🇽

It's completely understandable to wonder about childhood memories like these. When we look back on our early years, it's natural to have questions about behaviors that seem confusing or surprising in hindsight, and it's brave of you to seek information to better understand what happened.

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#### When I was about 4 years old my 9 year old sister started forcing me to kiss her on the mouth, I never wanted to do it but she forced me to, does it count as abuse? Or am I just being dramatic?

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Thank you so much for this question. You are not being dramatic. First and foremost, it’s important to remember that only you can define what happened to you. Sexual violence is deeply personal, and how you understand and process your experiences is entirely up to you. While we aim to provide support and information, please know that we are not here to label or define your experience. Your experience is yours and yours alone.

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#### When I was 13, someone older inappropriately touched me. I'm still unsure if the touch was sexual in nature, but it left me feeling confused and angry. I kept quiet about it for a long time, though it made me sad. Will I ever stop feeling guilty about not speaking up sooner?

🇦🇷

Thank you so much for sharing your intimate feelings with us. Feelings of guilt about not speaking up sooner are completely normal, but please know that keeping quiet was not wrong or your fault. Many people stay silent about uncomfortable or traumatic experiences, especially when they happen during childhood. Confusion about the nature of the touch is absolutely valid - our minds and bodies often need time to process experiences that feel violating or uncomfortable. Your courage in exploring these feelings now shows incredible strength.

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#### Is it still sexual assault if I was told by an adult to send nude photos of myself, even if it was only over text?

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Thank you for reaching out and sharing your question. Yes, what you experienced is a form of sexual exploitation and abuse, and in many jurisdictions, it's classified as a crime. When an adult solicits nude images from someone, they are engaging in sexually abusive behavior that violates boundaries and consent. The fact that this occurred through text messages doesn't diminish the seriousness of what happened. This behavior is a serious violation of trust and boundaries, and it is illegal in many places.

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#### I have a memory from when I was young where my dad let me rub his chest to help me fall asleep. I'm not sure how to feel about this memory or whether I should try to forget it. How do I deal with this?

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Thank you for trusting us with this memory and these difficult feelings. It is completely normal to feel unsure about a confusing childhood memory, especially when it revives strong emotions or discomfort. At four to seven years old, you were still learning about boundaries and appropriate touch, and you depended on the adults around you to guide and protect you. Children naturally seek comfort and closeness in many different ways, and needing soothing touch to fall asleep is completely normal developmental behavior. Many children find c...

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#### When I was 9 or 10 years old, my sister (who was 5 or 6 at the time) and I played an imaginary game where our characters would 'date.' The game involved a quick peck on the lips, and on one occasion, I asked her to lay on top of me. However, I quickly stopped the game because it felt wrong, and we never played it again. Now, as an adult, I feel intense guilt and shame, and I'm afraid that I may have sexually abused her. I have discussed this with my therapist and friends who have experienced abuse, and they all reassured me that I did not abuse my sister. Despite this, I can't shake the fear that I did something terribly wrong. Did my actions constitute sexual abuse?

🇺🇸

Thank you so much for sharing this heavy load that you care carrying. I hear your concern and the intense guilt and shame you're feeling about this childhood experience with your sister. It's important to recognize that curiosity about bodies and relationships is a normal part of child development. Many children engage in exploratory play, like playing "house" or "doctor," which can sometimes involve playful physical affection like brief kissing or cuddling. When this play is light and mutual, it is usually considered harmless.

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#### A boy my age touched my chest without asking. He didn’t pressure or coerce me, he just put his hands on me without consent. Does this count as assault when he didn’t force me, and we were 9?

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Thank you for sharing this sensitive experience. What happened to you - having your chest touched without consent - is a form of inappropriate touching, even though you were both very young at the time. It's important to understand that only you can decide how to label or define your own experiences. While I can provide information and context, the way you choose to view or describe what happened is entirely up to you. Your perspective is valid and may even change over time as you process the experience, which is completely normal.

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#### Do you think what happened to me was abuse if I gave my consent and it was with someone my own age? To this day, I regret that experience.

🇨🇱

Thank you for reaching out and sharing something so personal. What you're describing sounds incredibly confusing and painful to carry. At such a young age, children are not capable of giving informed consent, as they don't yet have the developmental capacity, maturity, or understanding needed to truly consent to sexual activities, even with peers their own age. This isn't about intelligence or maturity -- it's simply how our brains and understanding of the world develop over time. Any experiences involving children at that age should be viewed...

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#### Does it count as sexual assault if another child touched me inappropriately when I was young, even though I wasn't raped?

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Thank you for asking this. What you experienced could absolutely count as sexual assault depending on the context. Sexual assault is any unwanted sexual contact, and it doesn't require penetration or rape to be valid or harmful. When someone touches your body in sexual ways without your consent, whether they're an adult or another child, that can be characterized as sexual assault, and your experience and feelings about it matter completely.

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#### How do I move forward from the guilt I feel over something inappropriate I did as a child (11-12)? While helping a toddler change clothes, I briefly explored his genitals (not in a sexual way, but in an exploratory way) or just a few seconds. Now that I'm an adult, I wonder what my responsibilities are moving forward?

🇺🇸

Thank you for asking this and I appreciate that this is weighing on you. The fact that you're carrying this with you and asking about your responsibilities speaks to the kind of person you are now and that moral awareness deserves to be met with some gentleness toward yourself.

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#### When I was very young (7-9 years), I engaged in sexual touching with my younger sister during bath time. Years later when I learned about inappropriate sexual contact, I felt disgusted and ashamed about what I had done. Do I deserve to feel this way about my childhood actions?

🇺🇸

Thank you for reaching out to us. When you were between 7 and 9 years old, you were still very much a child learning about the world. At that age, children are naturally curious about their bodies and the differences between themselves and others. This curiosity is a normal part of development, and young children often do not fully understand boundaries or the implications of their actions, especially regarding concepts like sexuality or consent. Children naturally explore their bodies and sometimes engage with siblings or peers in ways t...

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#### When my boyfriend was 12, he briefly touched his younger cousin's private area over their clothes for a few seconds. When his cousin asked him to move his hand, he immediately stopped and nothing happened again. He describes this as childhood curiosity from when he was going through puberty. I'm trying to understand whether this falls under typical childhood sexual exploration or if it's something more serious. Is this a common experience? He has OCD and I'm wondering if I should be concerned about this.

🇺🇸

We appreciate you reaching out with this question and understand how confusing it can be to navigate this kind of disclosure from someone you care about. It's completely natural to want to understand what happened and what it means, both for your boyfriend's younger cousin and for your relationship.

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#### When I was 13, I briefly placed my hand on a younger child's crotch and moved it when he indicated it was his private area. I was going through puberty and experiencing curiosity, without intent to do anything sexual. My therapist said this would be considered inappropriate exploration due to the age gap, but not COCSA, sexual assault, molestation, or criminal activity. I'm wondering if you agree with this assessment and whether there's an age at which exploration becomes something different.

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I can hear how much weight you've been carrying about this memory, and I'm glad you've been working with a therapist to process it. Your therapist's assessment aligns with what research tells us about childhood sexual development. When children and young adolescents explore bodies and boundaries, there is a wide range of what professionals consider typical sexual curiosity. For behavior to be labeled criminal or to be considered an assault, there generally must be intention to harm, a significant violation of one child's safety or autonom...

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#### I don't want to believe I was assaulted as a young child because I know this person very well and can't see it in them to act this way but I can recall details and have vivid flashbacks. What should I do? How do I seek help for this?

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Thank you so much for trusting us with this question. To start, you are not alone. It is quite common for individuals who are processing childhood trauma in adulthood to feel confused, frightened, and frustrated. It is also common for survivors to not want to believe what happened to them was real. Only you know what you have experienced, but here are some of our thoughts below.

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#### When I was 6 years old, my grandfather touched my penis one night and had me touch his. He didn't force me, and at that time I didn't feel uncomfortable with what was happening or what he asked me to do. I even looked forward to it happening again the next night. I felt curious and wanted more. Does this make me complicit or guilty?

🇩🇴

I'm so sorry you went through something that's left you feeling uncertain about your role in it. It can be deeply confusing to look back on childhood experiences with adult eyes. Although you may have been curious or even welcomed the attention at the time, it was never your fault. Children are wired to seek affection and approval from adults, and it's very common for them to mistake harmful behavior for something acceptable when it comes from a trusted older figure. At six years old, you could not have fully understood what was happening or m...

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#### Is my experience valid? My best friend pressured me into sex when we were both teens. She would threaten to run away and harm herself if I didn't comply. When I went to the police, they told me they couldn't do anything and to get over it.

🇨🇦

Thank you for trusting us with this and I am so sorry you experienced such painful responses to the harm you experienced. You did not deserve that. Your experience is absolutely valid. What you're describing sounds like a form of sexual coercion, and it can be deeply traumatic regardless of the gender of the person who harmed you or your ages at the time. The fact that the police dismissed your experience doesn't make it any less real or harmful. Their response was inadequate and wrong, and I'm truly sorry that happened to you when you were se...

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#### When I was a child, my parents repeatedly forced enemas on me. I remember screaming and begging to stop then finally giving in, freezing and dissociating. I've only recently (30 years later) had the courage to recall this memory, of which I used to have flashbacks that made me sick. My parents are nice people, but I feel like I am a survivor of a kind of sexual abuse. Can you help me understand what happened to me?

🇮🇹

Thank you for this question. First and foremost, I want to commend you for your bravery in confronting this painful memory and seeking understanding. Recognizing the impact of childhood experiences is a courageous step in the healing process. What you've described - being repeatedly subjected to forced enemas despite your protests and distress - sounds deeply distressing and violating. The fact that you recall screaming, begging, and then dissociating (a common trauma response) underscores the emotional impact of these experiences.

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#### When I was around 8-10 years old, I was involved in inappropriate sexual play with two cousins during summer visits. While my older cousin initiated most of these interactions through games like truth or dare, I also initiated an incident with my younger cousin that I deeply regret and know caused harm. Their families know but mine doesn't. I carry intense guilt and shame about this, complicated by my own history of family abuse. While we remain on friendly terms, I've never addressed it. I now have a loving girlfriend and am close with my mom and brother, but I'm terrified of losing them if they found out about what I did as a child. How do I process these feelings and handle the fear of losing my loved ones?

🇺🇸

Thank you for having the courage to share your experience with us. First and foremost, please know that what happened when you were a child does not define who you are today. You were a young child yourself, navigating complex situations while also experiencing abuse in your own home. Your feelings of remorse and concern for the impact of your actions show your deep capacity for empathy and growth.

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#### I was exposed to adult content online at a very young age (8-9) when given unrestricted internet access. This led me to engage in inappropriate sexual behavior with my younger sister on one occasion. Even though I've told my parents and closest friends who all believe I deserve forgiveness, I'm consumed by guilt and feel like I don't deserve anything good in my life. How do I move forward from this?

🇺🇸

Thank you for trusting us with this. I hear the pain and remorse in your words and I understand why the memory of that moment continues to trouble you. What you're describing is actually more common than many people realize, and your feelings of guilt show both your moral development and your capacity for empathy. From what you've described, you were both very young at the time, navigating curiosity about things you'd seen that you were not old enough to process. While it may feel overwhelming, it is important to remember that you were a child...

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#### I’ve heard that trauma can often cause the victim to develop kinks related to it, but what’s the youngest this can happen? I've had certain preoccupations since elementary school that I don't understand. Is this related to early experiences, and why might it happen?

🇰🇼

Thank you for reaching out about this sensitive topic. It's understandable to have questions about your experiences and feelings. Trauma can influence a person's interests or fixations, but it's important to understand that this is a complex topic without simple answers. The development of interests, including sexual ones, is influenced by many factors and can begin at different ages for different individuals.

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#### Can two younger children (e.g. ages 9-11) consent to sex? I don't believe they can. But if no adult is around to monitor what's going on, how does the child on the receiving end of the other child's behavior (initiated and lead by the other child) classify their experience? If they don't know what they are consenting to, and no isn't an option for them, is this abuse? This was my experience and I struggle so much with accepting what happened as being abuse. But I have all the hallmark signs of having been abused as a child.

🇬🇧

I'm so sorry that you experienced this and are struggling with the impact and meaning of it. What you're describing sounds distressing and violating, even though both people involved were children. You're absolutely right that legally children ages 9-11 cannot meaningfully consent to sex, regardless of whether an adult is present. Children that age are not developmentally capable of understanding or consenting to sexual activity. If one child initiates sexual behaviors and the other child feels unable to refuse or stop what's happening, that i...

](/en/answer/can-two-younger-children-eg-ages-9-11-consent-to-sex-i-dont-believe-they-can-but-if-no-adult-is-around-to-monitor-whats-going-on-how-does-the-child-on-the-receiving-end-of-the-other-childs-behavior-initiated-and-lead-by-the-other-child-classify-their-experience-if-they-dont-know-what-they-are-consenting-to-and-no-isnt-an-option-for-them-is-this-abuse-this-was-my-experience-and-i-struggle-so-much-with-accepting-what-happened-as-being-abuse-but-i-have-all-the-hallmark-signs-of-having-been-abused-as-a-child-125)

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[

#### Is it still child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA) or sexual assault if the offender feels bad for it and feels guilty?

🇺🇸

Thank you for bringing up this important question. To answer your question simply: Yes, it is still considered COCSA or sexual assault even if the offender feels bad for their actions and feels guilty afterward. The feelings of the person who committed the harmful act do not change the nature of what happened or its impact on the person who was harmed.Sexual abuse and assault are defined by actions that violate someone's boundaries and consent, regardless of the offender's intentions or subsequent emotions. While an offender's guilt may indica...

](/en/answer/is-it-still-child-on-child-sexual-abuse-cocsa-or-sexual-assault-if-the-offender-feels-bad-for-it-and-feels-guilty-381)

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[

#### When I was 13, I was on a trip with my uncle and we shared a room. He invited me to take off my pajamas, and he was naked too. He touched me and fingered me, and I had my first orgasm. He told me to say stop if I felt uncomfortable, but I didn't say anything even though I felt terribly uncomfortable. It only happened once, and he's acted completely normal ever since, like it never happened. We still see each other at family gatherings. I don't know what to think about this. Sometimes it feels like nothing really happened because we didn't have sex and it only happened once. But I also have a lot of feelings of guilt and shame because I didn't say stop. What should I think about this experience?

🇨🇿

I'm so sorry you went through such a painful and confusing experience. It can be deeply upsetting to look back on an event like that and question everything, especially when it's someone in your family who made you feel uncomfortable. What your uncle did to you was sexual abuse. You were a child, and he was an adult in a position of trust and authority who had much more power and responsibility. Even if there was no visible force or "traditional" form of rape, what happened to you was still a violation.

](/en/answer/when-i-was-13-i-was-on-a-trip-with-my-uncle-and-we-shared-a-room-he-invited-me-to-take-off-my-pajamas-and-he-was-naked-too-he-touched-me-and-fingered-me-and-i-had-my-first-orgasm-he-told-me-to-say-sto)

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[

#### When I was 16, my 15-year-old boyfriend pressured me into sexual activity at a party. I have autism and struggle with social cues. I didn't want to do it but nodded after he kept begging. I never told him to stop, but afterwards I left and threw up. I felt very uncomfortable afterward but never told him. Was this assault? Is it valid if the other person was younger?

🇬🇧

Thank you so much for trusting us with this deeply personal experience. It sounds like a difficult situation, and your feelings about it are important. While I can provide information and perspective based on what you've shared, only you can decide how to label what happened to you. No one else can tell you how to feel about it or what to call it. Your feelings are valid, whatever they are.

](/en/answer/when-i-was-16-my-15-year-old-boyfriend-pressured-me-into-sexual-activity-at-a-party-i-have-autism-and-struggle-with-social-cues-i-didnt-want-to-do-it-but-nodded-after-he-kept-begging-i-felt-very-uncomfortable-afterward-but-never-told-him-was-this-assault-is-it-valid-if-the-other-person-was-younger-200)

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#### I experienced a sexual situation with my cousin when I was 8 and she was around 12. At the time, I didn't feel affected by it, but now that I'm older, it's impacting me. I'm unsure how to process this, considering our ages at the time and her possible awareness of her actions. How can I understand and cope with these complex feelings?

🇨🇦

Thank you for sharing this difficult experience. It's completely normal for feelings about childhood experiences to change as we grow older. Our ability to process and understand events evolves with time, and something that didn't seem significant then may carry more weight now.

](/en/answer/i-experienced-a-sexual-situation-with-my-cousin-when-i-was-8-and-she-was-around-12-at-the-time-i-didnt-feel-affected-by-it-but-now-that-im-older-its-impacting-me-im-unsure-how-to-process-this-considering-our-ages-at-the-time-and-her-possible-awareness-of-her-actions-how-can-i-understand-and-cope-with-these-complex-feelings-264)

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#### I shared a story on this platform and received insight that it was within the realms of typical childhood curiosity. I recently brought it up to the other person involved to apologize and ask if they remembered it happening. They said they had no memory of it and did not care. Now I am worried that by bringing it up, I may have reintroduced a memory for them, and I am scared they might remember or even report me. They insist they do not care. I also find myself wondering — if an adult had done this, it would technically be considered a crime, so should I be doing something, like turning myself in? How do I deal with all of this?

🇺🇸

Thank you so much for trusting us with this. It makes sense that this conversation stirred up a lot of fear and uncertainty, even though you approached it with genuine care and a desire to take accountability. They told you they have no memory of it and that they do not care. That is not a polite way of brushing you off...that is the most honest and complete answer they could have given you. You went to them with sincerity, you gave them a real opening to share anything they needed to share, and they used that opening to tell you they ar...

](/en/answer/i-shared-a-story-on-this-platform-and-received-insight-that-it-was-within-the-realms-of-typical-childhood-curiosity-i-recently-brought-it-up-to-the-other-person-involved-to-apologize-and-ask-if-they-r)

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[

#### When I was between 7-9 years old, I asked my aunt about kissing. She told me to kiss her and kept pressuring me even though I looked very uncomfortable. I didn't do it, and she said something about "testing me." This happened at my sibling's birthday party when no one was watching. She wouldn't have done this in front of anyone, especially my parents. What does this mean, and how should I understand what happened?

🇯🇴

Thank you for reaching out to us. What you experienced was inappropriate and concerning behavior from an adult. When you were curious about kissing as a young child, your aunt responded in a way that crossed boundaries and made you uncomfortable. Your discomfort was your natural instinct recognizing that something wasn't right, and you trusted that feeling by not complying with her pressure.

](/en/answer/when-i-was-between-7-9-years-old-i-asked-my-aunt-about-kissing-she-told-me-to-kiss-her-and-kept-pressuring-me-even-though-i-looked-very-uncomfortable-i-didnt-do-it-and-she-said-something-about-testing "When I was between 7-9 years old, I asked my aunt about kissing. She told me to kiss her and kept pressuring me even though I looked very uncomfortable. I didn't do it, and she said something about \"testing me.\" This happened at my sibling's birthday party when no one was watching. She wouldn't have done this in front of anyone, especially my parents. What does this mean, and how should I understand what happened?")

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[

#### I don't think I was abused as a child, but starting in high school I began having fleeting relationships with lots of sex. It was common in my friend group. I've continued a pattern of being attracted to people who treat me badly. How can I change this pattern?

🇪🇸

It sounds like you've been carrying a sense of frustration and maybe even some self-blame for being caught in a cycle of relationships that don't uplift or respect you. What you're describing reflects patterns that many people recognize in their own lives, even when they don't have clear memories of childhood trauma. These behaviors can develop as responses to various experiences, including emotional neglect, boundary violations that might not register as "abuse" at the time, or growing up in environments where healthy relationship modeling wa...

](/en/answer/i-dont-think-i-was-abused-as-a-child-but-starting-in-high-school-i-began-having-fleeting-relationships-with-lots-of-sex-it-was-common-in-my-friend-group-ive-continued-a-pattern-of-being-attracted-to-p "It sounds like you've been carrying a sense of frustration and maybe even some self-blame for being caught in a cycle of relationships that don't uplift or respect you. What you're describing reflects patterns that many people recognize in their own lives, even when they don't have clear memories of childhood trauma. These behaviors can develop as responses to various experiences, including emotional neglect, boundary violations that might not register as \"abuse\" at the time, or growing up in environments where healthy relationship modeling wa...")

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[

#### Is it considered incestuous to have engaged in mutual, same-age roleplay kissing with a cousin for several years when I was a kid? How do I stop fearing that my loved ones would be disgusted by me if they knew, or that my cousin was secretly hurt or traumatized by what happened?

🇺🇸

Thank you for asking this. It is common for children who are close in age to have moments of exploration or roleplay as they learn about the world and their own bodies. Many people recall simple kissing, games, or other forms of experimentation they had as children and later wonder if it was wrong, especially when it happens within a family relationship like with a cousin. Children at a young age don't yet have the full understanding or intent that adults associate with sexuality, and they often imitate what they've seen or sensed in their env...

](/en/answer/is-it-considered-incestuous-to-have-engaged-in-mutual-same-age-roleplay-kissing-with-a-cousin-for-several-years-when-i-was-a-kid-how-do-i-stop-fearing-that-my-loved-ones-would-be-disgusted-by-me-if-th)

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[

#### When I was young, my siblings and I used to kiss each other on the lips and copy things we saw on TV. Due to my extreme anxiety, I'm afraid I did something wrong that I can't remember. I asked my siblings about it, but they said we were just pretending to be adults. Is this considered harmful sexual behavior? I keep having extreme anxiety that I did something wrong.

🇩🇪

Thank you for reaching out! When children are around the ages of 8 or 9, it's quite common for them to engage in play that involves imitating adults or mimicking things they've seen on TV. This can include pretending to be grown-ups, holding hands, or even innocent kisses on the lips. Such behaviors are often a natural part of childhood curiosity and development as kids explore social roles and relationships.Since your siblings recall these moments as just pretending to be adults, it suggests that these interactions were likely innocent and mu...

](/en/answer/when-i-was-young-my-siblings-and-i-used-to-kiss-each-other-on-the-lips-and-copy-things-we-saw-on-tv-due-to-my-extreme-anxiety-im-afraid-i-did-something-wrong-that-i-cant-remember-i-asked-my-siblings-a)

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[

#### I have read two posts on this site that seem to contradict each other, and I am hoping to clarify the difference. Both posts relate to a brief touch by an older child of a younger child's private area, where the behavior stopped immediately when asked and was never repeated. In one post you describe it as normal child curiosity, and in another you describe it as problematic but not abuse. Are those saying the same thing? Can something be both a moment of normal childhood behavior and also problematic? And do most children engage in some form of problematic behavior at some point?

🇺🇸

Thank you for this question. You are right that those two descriptions can sound contradictory on the surface, but they are actually capturing two different and equally true things about the same kind of situation, and understanding the distinction can be really clarifying.

](/en/answer/i-have-read-two-posts-on-this-site-that-seem-to-contradict-each-other-and-i-am-hoping-to-clarify-the-difference-both-posts-relate-to-a-brief-touch-by-an-older-child-of-a-younger-childs-private-area-wh)

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[

#### When I was very young (around 5-7 years old), my babysitter, who was also a minor but about 7 years older than me, and I engaged in inappropriate touching. I asked her to massage my vagina, and we took turns doing this to each other, with underwear on. I initiated the activity, but I'm unsure how to categorize this experience given our ages. Is this considered abuse or something else, even though I asked for it and we were both minors?

🇺🇸

This is indeed a complex and sensitive situation. Thank you for having the courage to seek understanding about it. Let me provide some perspective... First, it's crucial to understand that at 5-7 years old, you were not capable of giving informed consent to sexual activities, even if you initiated them. Children at that age don't have the maturity or understanding to comprehend the full implications of sexual behavior.

](/en/answer/when-i-was-very-young-around-5-7-years-old-my-babysitter-who-was-also-a-minor-but-about-7-years-older-than-me-and-i-engaged-in-inappropriate-touching-i-asked-her-to-massage-my-vagina-and-we-took-turns-doing-this-to-each-other-with-underwear-on-i-initiated-the-activity-but-im-unsure-how-to-categorize-this-experience-given-our-ages-is-this-considered-abuse-or-something-else-even-though-i-asked-for-it-and-we-were-both-minors-207)

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Show more questions

## More topics

[

Understanding specific types of trauma and harm

](/en/learn/topics/understanding-specific-types-of-trauma-and-harm)[

Making sense of adult experiences

](/en/learn/topics/making-sense-of-adult-experiences)[

Managing emotions and how you feel in your body

](/en/learn/topics/managing-emotions-and-how-you-feel-in-your-body)[

Seeking help after trauma

](/en/learn/topics/seeking-help-after-trauma)[

Sex, sexuality, and intimacy after trauma

](/en/learn/topics/sex-sexuality-and-intimacy-after-trauma)[

Sharing your story with others

](/en/learn/topics/sharing-your-story-with-others)

[See all topics](/en/learn/topics)

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Grounding activity

Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud:

5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window)

4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?)

3 – things you can hear

2 – things you can smell

1 – thing you like about yourself.

Take a deep breath to end.

From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at.

Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one).

Take a deep breath to end.

Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud:

1\. Where am I?

2\. What day of the week is today?

3\. What is today’s date?

4\. What is the current month?

5\. What is the current year?

6\. How old am I?

7\. What season is it?

Take a deep breath to end.

Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder.

Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud.

Take a deep breath to end.

Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment.

Take a deep breath to end.

Try another grounding activity

I feel grounded and ready