--- title: Making sense of adult experiences: Expert Answers ~ Our Wave description: Making sense of adult experiences: 102 survivor questions answered by trauma-informed experts in the Our Wave community. url: https://community.ourwave.org/en/learn/topics/making-sense-of-adult-experiences.md --- {{customAnalyticsScripts}} [\[Image: Our Wave Logo\]\[Image: Our Wave Logo\]](/en/) [ Community ](/en/)[ Questions & Answers ](/en/learn)[ Find Support ](/en/resources) Share story Post a message 0 Users 0 Views 0 Reactions 0 Stories read ##### Need to take a break? 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Send it to us # Making sense of adult experiences Ask a question Questions about harm that happened in adulthood, in relationships, at work or with someone known, and about making sense of what it was. 102 questions from survivors on this topic, each answered by a trauma-informed expert. [ #### I was kissed by someone while I was drunk. At the moment, I didn't say no and was into it. However, once the alcohol wore off, I wished it hadn't happened. When I confronted the person and told them they shouldn't have engaged sexually with someone who was drunk and that the only appropriate thing to do with a drunk person is to help them walk or get somewhere safe, they responded by saying that I was the one who approached them repeatedly and didn't let them leave, even tearing up when they tried to go. Does this justify them kissing a drunk person? Does it make them less at fault and me more responsible? 🇹🇳 Thank you for reaching out to us and sharing your story. The situation you've described is complex and raises important questions about consent and responsibility when alcohol is involved. It's crucial to understand that when someone is intoxicated, their ability to give clear, informed, and enthusiastic consent is compromised. Even if a drunk person seems to be initiating or agreeing to sexual activity, it's the responsibility of the sober party to recognize that the intoxicated person is not in a state to make fully coherent decisions. ](/en/answer/i-was-kissed-by-someone-while-i-was-drunk-at-the-moment-i-didnt-say-no-and-was-into-it-however-once-the-alcohol-wore-off-i-wished-it-hadnt-happened-when-i-confronted-the-person-and-told-them-they-shouldnt-have-engaged-sexually-with-someone-who-was-drunk-and-that-the-only-appropriate-thing-to-do-with-a-drunk-person-is-to-help-them-walk-or-get-somewhere-safe-they-responded-by-saying-that-i-was-the-one-who-approached-them-repeatedly-and-didnt-let-them-leave-even-tearing-up-when-they-tried-to-go-does-this-justify-them-kissing-a-drunk-person-does-it-make-them-less-at-fault-and-me-more-responsible-164) 2 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 1 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/i-was-kissed-by-someone-while-i-was-drunk-at-the-moment-i-didnt-say-no-and-was-into-it-however-once-the-alcohol-wore-off-i-wished-it-hadnt-happened-when-i-confronted-the-person-and-told-them-they-shouldnt-have-engaged-sexually-with-someone-who-was-drunk-and-that-the-only-appropriate-thing-to-do-with-a-drunk-person-is-to-help-them-walk-or-get-somewhere-safe-they-responded-by-saying-that-i-was-the-one-who-approached-them-repeatedly-and-didnt-let-them-leave-even-tearing-up-when-they-tried-to-go-does-this-justify-them-kissing-a-drunk-person-does-it-make-them-less-at-fault-and-me-more-responsible-164#comments) [ #### How do I know if my experience counts as sexual assault? 🇺🇸 When you go through a sexual experience that feels unwanted, it can often be difficult to label what just occurred. We might compare our experiences to the experiences we see on TV or read about online, causing us to question whether or not our experience “counts” as sexual trauma. ](/en/answer/how-do-i-know-if-my-experience-counts-as-sexual-assault-1) 1 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/how-do-i-know-if-my-experience-counts-as-sexual-assault-1#comments) [ #### Is it sexual assault if I said no several times, but the other person kept insisting until I eventually said yes? 🇨🇱 I'm so sorry you went through this. What you're describing is a situation where your initial boundaries were clear. You said no multiple times. When someone continues to pressure you after you've declined, wearing you down until you agree, that "yes" isn't freely given. Consent requires that both people feel comfortable and respected in their decision. If you felt like you had to say "yes" just to stop the repeated insisting, or because you were exhausted by the pressure, it's understandable that this experience would leave you feeling violate... ](/en/answer/is-it-sexual-assault-if-i-said-no-several-times-but-the-other-person-kept-insisting-until-i-eventually-said-yes-782 "I'm so sorry you went through this. What you're describing is a situation where your initial boundaries were clear. You said no multiple times. When someone continues to pressure you after you've declined, wearing you down until you agree, that \"yes\" isn't freely given. Consent requires that both people feel comfortable and respected in their decision. If you felt like you had to say \"yes\" just to stop the repeated insisting, or because you were exhausted by the pressure, it's understandable that this experience would leave you feeling violate...") 4 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/is-it-sexual-assault-if-i-said-no-several-times-but-the-other-person-kept-insisting-until-i-eventually-said-yes-782#comments) [ #### Why is it so common for people to blame sexual violence survivors for their experiences? 🇰🇼 Thank you for this question. Blaming sexual violence survivors for their experiences is unfortunately a pervasive issue deeply rooted in our societal attitudes and common misconceptions about sexual assault. If you have been blamed for your experiences, know you are not alone. Experiencing sexual harm is never your fault. ](/en/answer/why-is-it-so-common-for-people-to-blame-sexual-violence-survivors-for-their-experiences-100) 1 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/why-is-it-so-common-for-people-to-blame-sexual-violence-survivors-for-their-experiences-100#comments) [ #### How do I know if I was coerced into having sex? 🇺🇸 First, it is important to remember that your feelings are valid and that only you can define your experience. If you have ever felt pressured or obligated to engage in sexual activities, however, you may have experienced sexual coercion. Sexual coercion can occur on a spectrum. By definition, sexual coercion is “the act of using pressure, alcohol or drugs, or force to have sexual contact with someone against their will” and includes “persistent attempts to have sexual contact with someone who has already refused.” ](/en/answer/how-do-i-know-if-i-was-coerced-into-having-sex-12) 2 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/how-do-i-know-if-i-was-coerced-into-having-sex-12#comments) [ #### What should I do if I get groped in public by a stranger? 🇰🇼 Thank you for this question. Being groped in public by a stranger is a deeply violating and traumatic experience that no one should ever have to endure. It's an unfair and unacceptable invasion of your personal space and bodily autonomy. The shock, fear, and distress you might feel in such a situation are completely valid. It's important to acknowledge that this is a form of sexual assault, and you have every right to feel upset, angry, or overwhelmed. ](/en/answer/what-should-i-do-if-i-get-groped-in-public-by-a-stranger-234) 2 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 1 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/what-should-i-do-if-i-get-groped-in-public-by-a-stranger-234#comments) [ #### Was I still sexually assaulted if I wasn’t raped, but was touched sexually without my consent? 🇺🇸 Thank you for this question. Only you can define your experiences, but based on what you shared, yes. Your experience of unwanted sexual touching without consent can still be considered sexual assault, and it's completely valid to recognize and name it as such. Sexual assault can take many forms beyond rape, and each survivor's experience is unique and deserving of acknowledgment and support. It's understandable to have questions or doubts about what constitutes sexual assault, but it's important to trust your own feelings and boundaries. ](/en/answer/was-i-still-sexually-assaulted-if-i-wasnt-raped-but-was-touched-sexually-without-my-consent-104) 1 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/was-i-still-sexually-assaulted-if-i-wasnt-raped-but-was-touched-sexually-without-my-consent-104#comments) [ #### What makes sexual violence traumatizing? 🇰🇼 Sexual violence can be traumatizing for several reasons. To start, the violation of bodily autonomy and boundaries can shatter a survivor's sense of safety and trust. When someone experiences sexual violence, their fundamental right to control what happens to their body is forcibly taken away, leaving them often feeling powerless and vulnerable. This loss of agency can profoundly disrupt one's sense of self and safety in the world, leading to feelings of shame, guilt, and confusion. ](/en/answer/what-makes-sexual-violence-traumatizing-106) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/what-makes-sexual-violence-traumatizing-106#comments) [ #### Is it possible for a child to assault an adult? What should the adult do if this happens? 🇰🇼 Thank you for raising this sensitive topic. While it's understandable to have questions about complex situations, it's crucial to approach this subject with extreme care and prioritize the safety and wellbeing of all individuals, especially children. ](/en/answer/is-it-possible-for-a-child-to-assault-an-adult-what-should-the-adult-do-if-this-happens-245) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/is-it-possible-for-a-child-to-assault-an-adult-what-should-the-adult-do-if-this-happens-245#comments) [ #### Is it considered sexual abuse if someone started touching me without asking for verbal consent, and I reciprocated only because I felt that's what they expected and that I had to respond? I didn't really want to, but I felt obligated to participate. 🇦🇺 Thank you for sharing this difficult experience and for having the courage to seek clarity. Your question is not uncommon and touches on important aspects of consent and sexual abuse. In situations like the one you've described, where there was no verbal consent and you felt obligated to reciprocate even though you didn't really want to, this could indeed be considered a form of sexual abuse or coercion. Consent should always be enthusiastic, ongoing, and freely given - not something you feel pressured into or obligated to provide. ](/en/answer/is-it-considered-sexual-abuse-if-someone-started-touching-me-without-asking-for-verbal-consent-and-i-reciprocated-only-because-i-felt-thats-what-they-expected-and-that-i-had-to-respond-i-didnt-really-want-to-but-i-felt-obligated-to-participate-190) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 1 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/is-it-considered-sexual-abuse-if-someone-started-touching-me-without-asking-for-verbal-consent-and-i-reciprocated-only-because-i-felt-thats-what-they-expected-and-that-i-had-to-respond-i-didnt-really-want-to-but-i-felt-obligated-to-participate-190#comments) [ #### What is the impact of gender-based violence on families? 🇿🇦 Thank you for this question. When a family member experiences gender-based violence, the trauma can create a ripple effect that impacts the entire family. For those who witnessed the violence firsthand, the impact can be particularly severe. Children who grow up in a home where violence occurs may experience a range of emotional and behavioral problems, including fear, anxiety, aggression, and difficulty forming healthy attachments. They may also be at higher risk of experiencing violence in their own relationships later in life. In addition,... ](/en/answer/what-is-the-impact-of-gender-based-violence-on-families-142) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/what-is-the-impact-of-gender-based-violence-on-families-142#comments) [ #### Am I still allowed to call what happened sexual assault when it wasn't penetrative? 🇺🇸 Thank you for asking this question. The short answer is yes. When you go through a sexual experience that feels unwanted, it can often be difficult to label what just occurred. We might compare our experiences to the experiences we see on TV or read about online, causing us to question whether or not our experience “counts” as sexual assault. ](/en/answer/am-i-still-allowed-to-call-what-happened-sexual-assault-when-it-wasnt-penetrative-56) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/am-i-still-allowed-to-call-what-happened-sexual-assault-when-it-wasnt-penetrative-56#comments) [ #### After being assaulted, I've become somewhat obsessed with sexual assault as a topic. Is this unhealthy? 🇰🇼 Thank you for asking this difficult question. To start, I want to say that what you are experiencing is a completely normal and understandable response to the trauma of sexual assault. It's not uncommon for survivors to become preoccupied with the topic of sexual violence in the aftermath of an assault, and this doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you or that you're doing something unhealthy. ](/en/answer/after-being-assaulted-ive-become-somewhat-obsessed-with-sexual-assault-as-a-topic-is-this-unhealthy-141) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/after-being-assaulted-ive-become-somewhat-obsessed-with-sexual-assault-as-a-topic-is-this-unhealthy-141#comments) [ #### How do I know whether I have trauma? 🇺🇸 Trauma can impact individuals of all identities. It knows no boundaries and can affect anyone who has experienced extreme stress or adversity. How you label your experience is up to you, but below is some more information about what trauma can look like. ](/en/answer/how-do-i-know-whether-i-have-trauma-14) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/how-do-i-know-whether-i-have-trauma-14#comments) [ #### How do I know if I was abused? 🇵🇱 When you go through a traumatizing situation, it can be difficult to label what occurred. You might compare your experiences to the experiences you see on TV or read about online, causing you to question whether or not your experience “counts” as abuse. You also may struggle to remember what happened to you due to the way traumatic memories are stored in the brain, particularly if you were a child and did not have the language to name what was happening to you. ](/en/answer/how-do-i-know-if-i-was-abused-28) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/how-do-i-know-if-i-was-abused-28#comments) [ #### When does sexual assault count as rape? 🇺🇸 Thank you for asking this question. In legal terms, the definition of sexual assault and rape varies depending on jurisdiction. This means that depending on the geographical area where you live, laws may be interpreted and applied differently with slight variations in definitions. To learn about the resources in your area to help you navigate these definitions, if you live in the United States, go to this link , click on the state that you live in, and talk to your local victim assistance office. If you do not live in the United States, read u... ](/en/answer/when-does-sexual-assault-count-as-rape-88) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/when-does-sexual-assault-count-as-rape-88#comments) [We-Speak Community](https://www.wespeak.ie) [ #### I'm feeling really anxious and unsettled after a night of heavy drinking and cannabis use, during which I have memory gaps. I realized I was intimate with someone I don't fully trust. How can I safely process this experience and these feelings? 🇮🇪 Thank you so much for trusting us with this and I am so sorry this happened to you. What you're feeling right now makes complete sense, and it's important to honor that your nervous system is responding to something that feels confusing and distressing. Memory gaps are particularly disorienting because they leave you without a full picture of what happened, and that uncertainty on its own can be really difficult to sit with. You don't have to have all the answers about what occurred in order for your feelings to be valid. ](/en/answer/im-feeling-really-anxious-and-unsettled-after-a-night-of-heavy-drinking-and-cannabis-use-during-which-i-have-memory-gaps-i-realized-i-was-intimate-with-someone-i-dont-fully-trust-how-can-i-safely-proc) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/im-feeling-really-anxious-and-unsettled-after-a-night-of-heavy-drinking-and-cannabis-use-during-which-i-have-memory-gaps-i-realized-i-was-intimate-with-someone-i-dont-fully-trust-how-can-i-safely-proc#comments) [ #### What kind of trauma is it if you’re almost assaulted but got away? Is it still sexual trauma if nothing ended up happening? 🇰🇼 Experiencing an attempted assault, even if you managed to escape, can still result in significant trauma. This is often referred to as "near-miss trauma" or "attempted sexual assault trauma." While the physical act may not have been completed, the fear, helplessness, and violation of personal safety experienced during such an event can have profound psychological impacts. ](/en/answer/what-kind-of-trauma-is-it-if-youre-almost-assaulted-but-got-away-is-it-still-sexual-trauma-if-nothing-ended-up-happening-196 "Experiencing an attempted assault, even if you managed to escape, can still result in significant trauma. This is often referred to as \"near-miss trauma\" or \"attempted sexual assault trauma.\" While the physical act may not have been completed, the fear, helplessness, and violation of personal safety experienced during such an event can have profound psychological impacts.") 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/what-kind-of-trauma-is-it-if-youre-almost-assaulted-but-got-away-is-it-still-sexual-trauma-if-nothing-ended-up-happening-196#comments) [ #### What strategies can South Africans put into place to prevent gender-based violence? 🇿🇦 Thank you for this question! We consulted a gender-based violence expert in South Africa who recommended the following blog to answer your question: https://www.saferspaces.org.za/understand/entry/gender-based-violence-in-south-africa She also recommended some non-profit organisations in South Africa dealing with gender-based violence who you can reach out to if you want to get involved or just learn more! ](/en/answer/what-strategies-can-south-africans-put-into-place-to-prevent-gender-based-violence-30) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/what-strategies-can-south-africans-put-into-place-to-prevent-gender-based-violence-30#comments) [ #### Why do I self-harm and what is the best way to stop? 🇺🇸 First of all, talking about self-injury is really hard, so thank you for asking this question. We have asked our favorite psychiatrist to help answer this. We promise you, tons of other people are wondering the same thing. We believe in honest conversations about uncomfortable topics, ​but sometimes talking about self-injury can be triggering. If now is not a good time, bookmark this post for later. If you need help, The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available 24/7 at 800-273-8255. ](/en/answer/why-do-i-self-harm-and-what-is-the-best-way-to-stop-17) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/why-do-i-self-harm-and-what-is-the-best-way-to-stop-17#comments) [ #### Are there other straight men who experienced abuse in a romantic relationship as a young adult? 🇺🇸 You are absolutely not alone, and it's worth saying that clearly and directly because the silence around this experience can make it feel that way. Abuse in romantic relationships happens to men, including straight men, and it is far more common than most people realize or talk about. ](/en/answer/are-there-other-straight-men-who-experienced-abuse-in-a-romantic-relationship-as-a-young-adult-873) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/are-there-other-straight-men-who-experienced-abuse-in-a-romantic-relationship-as-a-young-adult-873#comments) [ #### Can I even call myself a survivor if it only happened a week ago? I'm not even over it. 🇺🇸 Thank you for this question. Yes, you can absolutely call yourself a survivor if that feels right for you. Whether what you experienced happened today, a month ago, a year ago, or 30 years ago-- you still survived the trauma and violence of your past. It is also okay if you do not feel like a survivor right now. Some people prefer to call themselves victims or other labels. Whatever label you choose, recognize how you define your experience is up to you, and that may change overtime. ](/en/answer/can-i-even-call-myself-a-survivor-if-it-only-happened-a-week-ago-im-not-even-over-it-61) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/can-i-even-call-myself-a-survivor-if-it-only-happened-a-week-ago-im-not-even-over-it-61#comments) [ #### After I was sexually assaulted, for a short time, I thought I wanted it. I thought maybe he touched me because he liked me. Does it still count as assault if I thought those things at the time? Am I stupid? 🇵🇰 Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings about such a personal and difficult experience. No, you are absolutely not stupid. What you experienced was absolutely sexual assault, regardless of any thoughts or feelings you had during or after the incident. ](/en/answer/after-i-was-sexually-assaulted-for-a-short-time-i-thought-i-wanted-it-i-thought-maybe-he-touched-me-because-he-liked-me-does-it-still-count-as-assault-if-i-thought-those-things-at-the-time-am-i-stupid) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/after-i-was-sexually-assaulted-for-a-short-time-i-thought-i-wanted-it-i-thought-maybe-he-touched-me-because-he-liked-me-does-it-still-count-as-assault-if-i-thought-those-things-at-the-time-am-i-stupid#comments) [ #### I was sexually assaulted, and although my attacker was found guilty in court, I was never allowed to see his face. This has left me constantly afraid of most men. Is there any way for me to find out what he looks like so I can begin to heal? 🇺🇸 Wow. This is so tough. I'm so sorry that you had to endure the trauma of sexual assault and then face the added pain of not being allowed to see your attacker's face in court. It's completely understandable that this experience has left you feeling afraid and anxious around men, and I want you to know that your feelings are valid. ](/en/answer/i-was-sexually-assaulted-and-although-my-attacker-was-found-guilty-in-court-i-was-never-allowed-to-see-his-face-this-has-left-me-constantly-afraid-of-most-men-is-there-any-way-for-me-to-find-out-what-he-looks-like-so-i-can-begin-to-heal-137) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/i-was-sexually-assaulted-and-although-my-attacker-was-found-guilty-in-court-i-was-never-allowed-to-see-his-face-this-has-left-me-constantly-afraid-of-most-men-is-there-any-way-for-me-to-find-out-what-he-looks-like-so-i-can-begin-to-heal-137#comments) [ #### I think I have been sexually assaulted by an ex-friend. Is it sexual assault if you aren't penetrated? She groped me and jabbed at my a\*\*, but I didn't think it was important because we are both female. 🇺🇸 Thank you so much for this question. Sexual assault can take many forms, and each survivor's experience is unique and deserving of acknowledgment and support. What you experienced from your ex-friend could certainly "count" as sexual assault, even without penetration occurring. Any form of sexual contact or behavior without your explicit consent can be harmful and considered assault. To see a similar question we have answered in the past of this nature, click here: Q & A ~ Was I still sexually assaulted if I wasn’t raped, but was tou... ](/en/answer/i-think-i-have-been-sexually-assaulted-by-an-ex-friend-is-it-sexual-assault-if-you-arent-penetrated-she-groped-me-im-female-and-jabbed-at-my-a-but-i-didnt-think-it-was-important-because-we-are-both-female-114 "Thank you so much for this question. Sexual assault can take many forms, and each survivor's experience is unique and deserving of acknowledgment and support. What you experienced from your ex-friend could certainly \"count\" as sexual assault, even without penetration occurring. Any form of sexual contact or behavior without your explicit consent can be harmful and considered assault. To see a similar question we have answered in the past of this nature, click here: Q & A ~ Was I still sexually assaulted if I wasn’t raped, but was tou...") 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/i-think-i-have-been-sexually-assaulted-by-an-ex-friend-is-it-sexual-assault-if-you-arent-penetrated-she-groped-me-im-female-and-jabbed-at-my-a-but-i-didnt-think-it-was-important-because-we-are-both-female-114#comments) [ #### My ex-boyfriend would pressure me into saying "yes" to sexual acts, even when I was too intoxicated to properly consent, not enthusiastic, or uncomfortable with parts of what he was doing. He's a nice guy who supports victims, so I don't think it was intentional. How do I know if this was sexual assault/abuse or if I was just bad at communicating? 🇬🇧 Thank you for reaching out to us. I can share what I think based on the context you gave, but know that ultimately your interpretation of your experiences is totally up to you. What you're describing does sound like sexual abuse, even if your ex-boyfriend seemed like a nice person. Pressuring someone into sexual activity, pursuing sex with a person who is too intoxicated to consent, and ignoring a partner's expressed discomfort are all forms of coercion and assault. Consent should be freely given, reversible, informed, enthusiastic, and... ](/en/answer/my-ex-boyfriend-would-pressure-me-into-saying-yes-to-sexual-acts-even-when-i-was-too-intoxicated-to-properly-consent-not-enthusiastic-or-uncomfortable-with-parts-of-what-he-was-doing-hes-a-nice-guy-who-supports-victims-so-i-dont-think-it-was-intentional-how-do-i-know-if-this-was-sexual-assault-abuse-or-if-i-was-just-bad-at-communicating-146) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 1 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/my-ex-boyfriend-would-pressure-me-into-saying-yes-to-sexual-acts-even-when-i-was-too-intoxicated-to-properly-consent-not-enthusiastic-or-uncomfortable-with-parts-of-what-he-was-doing-hes-a-nice-guy-who-supports-victims-so-i-dont-think-it-was-intentional-how-do-i-know-if-this-was-sexual-assault-abuse-or-if-i-was-just-bad-at-communicating-146#comments) [ #### I'm struggling with feelings of guilt and self-blame about my past relationship. While I recognize my ex did some questionable things, I feel responsible for staying and for not being more explicit about my boundaries. I had mentioned being open to sex at one point (though we never had it), and I worry that confused him and led to his behavior. I feel manipulative for "leading him on," and when I talk to others, they ask why I didn't just leave. Am I a bad person? 🇺🇸 Thank you so much for trusting us with this. You are absolutely not a bad person. It is understandable to feel this wave of self-doubt, questioning whether you somehow caused or contributed to your ex's actions. The feelings you're describing are incredibly common responses to experiencing harm in a relationship, and they don't reflect who you are as a person. They reflect how difficult and complex these situations truly are. ](/en/answer/im-struggling-with-feelings-of-guilt-and-self-blame-about-my-past-relationship-while-i-recognize-my-ex-did-some-questionable-things-i-feel-responsible-for-staying-and-for-not-being-more-explicit-about "I'm struggling with feelings of guilt and self-blame about my past relationship. While I recognize my ex did some questionable things, I feel responsible for staying and for not being more explicit about my boundaries. I had mentioned being open to sex at one point (though we never had it), and I worry that confused him and led to his behavior. I feel manipulative for \"leading him on,\" and when I talk to others, they ask why I didn't just leave. Am I a bad person?") 1 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/im-struggling-with-feelings-of-guilt-and-self-blame-about-my-past-relationship-while-i-recognize-my-ex-did-some-questionable-things-i-feel-responsible-for-staying-and-for-not-being-more-explicit-about#comments) [ #### I have to insert something inside myself regularly for medical reasons. I really do not want to do it, but my mom is pressuring me to continue to go through with it. I don't know how to explain to her why I hate it so much. I do have some bad experiences with sexual assault but, I don't know if it's related. How can I convince her to not make me do it? 🇰🇼 Thank you for reaching out to us. I can understand your distress and discomfort around having to insert something inside yourself for medical reasons, especially given your history of sexual assault. Your reluctance surrounding this procedure is completely understandable and valid. Whether this is as a result of your trauma history or not, you deserve to feel safe and secure. ](/en/answer/i-have-to-insert-something-inside-myself-regularly-for-medical-reasons-i-really-do-not-want-to-do-it-but-my-mom-is-pressuring-me-to-continue-to-go-through-with-it-i-dont-know-how-to-explain-to-her-why-i-hate-it-so-much-i-do-have-some-bad-experiences-with-sexual-assault-but-i-dont-know-if-its-related-how-can-i-convince-her-to-not-make-me-do-it-121) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/i-have-to-insert-something-inside-myself-regularly-for-medical-reasons-i-really-do-not-want-to-do-it-but-my-mom-is-pressuring-me-to-continue-to-go-through-with-it-i-dont-know-how-to-explain-to-her-why-i-hate-it-so-much-i-do-have-some-bad-experiences-with-sexual-assault-but-i-dont-know-if-its-related-how-can-i-convince-her-to-not-make-me-do-it-121#comments) [ #### I've been touching myself sexually since I was very young, around age 6, and it's been a regular behavior continuing into the present. Is this normal? 🇩🇪 Thanks for reaching out to us! What you are describing is actually more common than many people realize, and I want you to know that you're not alone in this experience. Childhood self-touch can happen for many different reasons, and it's important to understand that bodies naturally seek comfort and soothing in various ways. ](/en/answer/ive-been-touching-myself-since-i-was-very-young-around-age-6-and-its-been-a-regular-behavior-continuing-into-the-present-is-this-normal-706) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/ive-been-touching-myself-since-i-was-very-young-around-age-6-and-its-been-a-regular-behavior-continuing-into-the-present-is-this-normal-706#comments) [ #### I became pregnant after being repeatedly sexually abused by multiple men. My baby was stillborn, and I never had DNA testing done. Is it strange that I wish I knew who her father was? 🇦🇺 I'm so sorry for the overwhelming pain and loss you've been through. There is nothing weird or strange about wishing you knew who your daughter's father was. Your feelings make complete sense, and many survivors in similar situations share this desire to know. ](/en/answer/i-became-pregnant-after-being-repeatedly-sexually-abused-by-multiple-men-my-baby-was-stillborn-and-i-never-had-dna-testing-done-is-it-strange-that-i-wish-i-knew-who-her-father-was-788) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/i-became-pregnant-after-being-repeatedly-sexually-abused-by-multiple-men-my-baby-was-stillborn-and-i-never-had-dna-testing-done-is-it-strange-that-i-wish-i-knew-who-her-father-was-788#comments) [ #### I didn’t know I lived with trauma until I started therapy...now I can’t help but minimize it? 🇺🇸 We received many questions about trauma processing and identity. Let’s talk about this in two parts with the help of a PhD prepared mental health nurse and sexual assault nurse examiner from @ourwavestories. We will start with talking about coming to terms with trauma as it relates to our identity, and then we will talk about integrating it into our identity. ](/en/answer/i-didnt-know-i-lived-with-trauma-until-started-therapy-now-cant-help-but-minimize-7) 1 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/i-didnt-know-i-lived-with-trauma-until-started-therapy-now-cant-help-but-minimize-7#comments) [ #### Is it still considered sexual assault if I was never touched but I felt pressured to sexually touch the other person when I didn’t want to? 🇺🇸 Thank you so much for this question. While only you can define what you experienced, based on what you shared this can still certainly be a form of sexual assault, even if you were not physically touched by the other person. Sexual assault is not limited to physical contact. It can also include coercion, manipulation, or pressure to engage in sexual activity that you do not want to do. ](/en/answer/is-it-still-considered-sexual-assault-if-i-was-never-touched-but-i-felt-pressured-to-sexually-touch-the-other-person-when-i-didnt-want-to-143) 1 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/is-it-still-considered-sexual-assault-if-i-was-never-touched-but-i-felt-pressured-to-sexually-touch-the-other-person-when-i-didnt-want-to-143#comments) [ #### I'm struggling to process an uncomfortable experience at a party. I initiated kissing with someone, but they proceeded to touch me inappropriately without my consent. Although I physically indicated I didn't want this by pushing their hand away multiple times, I continued kissing them. I'm confused about my reaction and unsure how to interpret or handle the situation. How can I process this experience, and what could I have done differently? 🇬🇧 Thank you for sharing this difficult experience. First and foremost, what happened to you was not your fault. The other person's actions were inappropriate and violated your boundaries. Consent for one activity (kissing) does not imply consent for other sexual acts. You clearly communicated your discomfort by pushing their hand away repeatedly, which should have been respected. ](/en/answer/how-do-i-process-what-happened-and-what-i-should-have-done-differently-i-wanted-to-kiss-a-boy-at-a-party-we-started-kissing-but-then-he-started-putting-his-hand-up-my-skirt-and-rubbing-me-through-my-underwear-i-kept-pushing-his-hand-away-but-he-didnt-stop-but-i-didnt-stop-kissing-him-when-this-was-happening-i-dont-understand-why-i-didnt-stop-kissing-him-289) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/how-do-i-process-what-happened-and-what-i-should-have-done-differently-i-wanted-to-kiss-a-boy-at-a-party-we-started-kissing-but-then-he-started-putting-his-hand-up-my-skirt-and-rubbing-me-through-my-underwear-i-kept-pushing-his-hand-away-but-he-didnt-stop-but-i-didnt-stop-kissing-him-when-this-was-happening-i-dont-understand-why-i-didnt-stop-kissing-him-289#comments) [NO MORE Silence, Speak Your Truth Community](https://stories.nomore.org) [ #### If I didn't want to have sex with someone and just laid there without saying no, is that rape? 🇺🇸 I'm really glad you reached out with this question. What you're describing is something many survivors struggle to make sense of, and your confusion about it is completely understandable. Let me be clear about something important: consent isn't just about whether someone said the word "no." Real consent means an enthusiastic, freely given "yes." It's an active agreement to participate, not just the absence of refusal. When someone doesn't want to have sex and their body language shows they're not participating or engaged, that should be enough... ](/en/answer/if-i-didnt-want-to-have-sex-with-someone-and-just-laid-there-without-saying-no-is-that-rape-811 "I'm really glad you reached out with this question. What you're describing is something many survivors struggle to make sense of, and your confusion about it is completely understandable. Let me be clear about something important: consent isn't just about whether someone said the word \"no.\" Real consent means an enthusiastic, freely given \"yes.\" It's an active agreement to participate, not just the absence of refusal. When someone doesn't want to have sex and their body language shows they're not participating or engaged, that should be enough...") 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/if-i-didnt-want-to-have-sex-with-someone-and-just-laid-there-without-saying-no-is-that-rape-811#comments) [ #### Since intoxicated people cannot consent, what is the situation if two intoxicated people willingly have intercourse with each other? Would that still not be okay? 🇰🇼 Thank you for bringing up this sensitive and complex topic. When discussing consent and intoxication, it's crucial to recognize that everyone's experiences and reactions are unique and valid. For some, this topic may bring up difficult memories or emotions, and that's completely understandable. ](/en/answer/since-intoxicated-people-cannot-consent-what-is-the-situation-if-two-intoxicated-people-willingly-have-intercourse-with-each-other-would-that-still-not-be-okay-261) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/since-intoxicated-people-cannot-consent-what-is-the-situation-if-two-intoxicated-people-willingly-have-intercourse-with-each-other-would-that-still-not-be-okay-261#comments) [ #### Can you explain how power imbalances can affect consent in relationships? What are some examples of power dynamics that could potentially make consent questionable, both in intimate and non-intimate contexts? How might those same situations look different if there was no power imbalance? 🇧🇷 Power imbalances in relationships can significantly impact the ability to give true consent and can contribute to the perpetuation of sexual harm. Consent should always be freely given without pressure or coercion, but when there's a large power differential, it can be difficult for the person with less power to feel they can genuinely say no without consequences. These power dynamics manifest in various forms, such as employer-employee relationships, teacher-student dynamics, coach-athlete situations, and age differences, especially with youn... ](/en/answer/can-you-explain-how-power-imbalances-can-affect-consent-in-relationships-what-are-some-examples-of-power-dynamics-that-could-potentially-make-consent-questionable-both-in-intimate-and-non-intimate-contexts-how-might-those-same-situations-look-different-if-there-was-no-power-imbalance-247) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/can-you-explain-how-power-imbalances-can-affect-consent-in-relationships-what-are-some-examples-of-power-dynamics-that-could-potentially-make-consent-questionable-both-in-intimate-and-non-intimate-contexts-how-might-those-same-situations-look-different-if-there-was-no-power-imbalance-247#comments) [ #### A year ago, a man followed me home despite my protests. I was too afraid to stop him. When we got to my door, he grabbed my shoulders, looked around to ensure no one was nearby, and kissed my neck. I felt violated but also feel guilty. Should this be classified as sexual assault even though he didn't touch me in private areas? How long does it take to process these feelings? I still cry about it even though I feel I should be over it by now. 🇨🇦 Thank you for sharing your experience with us. What you went through sounds incredibly frightening and violating, and it's completely understandable that it still affects you deeply. What you experienced was unwanted sexual contact that occurred after you expressed resistance, and your feelings of violation are completely valid. Sexual assault encompasses a spectrum of unwanted sexual behaviors, including unwanted kissing. The fact that he checked to make sure no one was watching shows he likely knew his behavior was inappropriate and unwanted... ](/en/answer/a-year-ago-a-man-followed-me-home-despite-my-protests-i-was-too-afraid-to-stop-him-when-we-got-to-my-door-he-grabbed-my-shoulders-looked-around-to-ensure-no-one-was-nearby-and-kissed-my-neck-i-felt-vi) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/a-year-ago-a-man-followed-me-home-despite-my-protests-i-was-too-afraid-to-stop-him-when-we-got-to-my-door-he-grabbed-my-shoulders-looked-around-to-ensure-no-one-was-nearby-and-kissed-my-neck-i-felt-vi#comments) [ #### As a Catholic, I struggle with feelings of impurity after my assault. I did things afterward that I thought I had to do to keep people around because they wanted me to. I've been to church and confession and was told it wasn't my fault and that I'm forgiven, but I still struggle with these feelings about purity. What can I do? 🇺🇸 I hear the pain in your words, and I want you to know that your struggle with these feelings is so deeply understandable. The weight you are carrying around purity and worth is something many survivors experience, especially when faith is such an important part of who you are. Your heart is trying to make sense of something that was never meant to happen to you, and that process can feel overwhelming and confusing. ](/en/answer/as-a-catholic-i-struggle-with-feelings-of-impurity-after-my-assault-i-did-things-afterward-that-i-thought-i-had-to-do-to-keep-people-around-because-they-wanted-me-to-ive-been-to-church-and-confession) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/as-a-catholic-i-struggle-with-feelings-of-impurity-after-my-assault-i-did-things-afterward-that-i-thought-i-had-to-do-to-keep-people-around-because-they-wanted-me-to-ive-been-to-church-and-confession#comments) [ #### I still have feelings for my abuser. He showed me so much attention and was so kind in the beginning, and it slowly was withdrawn. And then he assaulted me, and I still feel like if I do the right things he might care about me again. He will randomly show glimpses of how it used to be, and then go back to how it is now. He’s leaving, and I know it’s dramatic, but I feel like my world is ending and I’ll never do better than him, when he leaves. I feel pathetic having these feelings towards him after what he’s done to me. What do I do? 🇺🇸 Thank you for sharing these complex and painful feelings. The emotions you're experiencing - longing for the person who hurt you, hoping to regain those early moments of care, feeling like you'll never find better - are incredibly common responses to abuse, even though they might feel confusing or shameful. ](/en/answer/i-still-have-feelings-for-my-abuser-he-showed-me-so-much-attention-and-was-so-kind-in-the-beginning-and-it-slowly-was-withdrawn-and-then-he-assaulted-me-and-i-still-feel-like-if-i-do-the-right-things-he-might-care-about-me-again-he-will-randomly-show-glimpses-of-how-it-used-to-be-and-then-go-back-to-how-it-is-now-hes-leaving-and-i-know-its-dramatic-but-i-feel-like-my-world-is-ending-and-ill-never-do-better-than-him-when-he-leaves-i-feel-pathetic-having-these-feelings-towards-him-after-what-hes-done-to-me-what-do-i-do-413) 2 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/i-still-have-feelings-for-my-abuser-he-showed-me-so-much-attention-and-was-so-kind-in-the-beginning-and-it-slowly-was-withdrawn-and-then-he-assaulted-me-and-i-still-feel-like-if-i-do-the-right-things-he-might-care-about-me-again-he-will-randomly-show-glimpses-of-how-it-used-to-be-and-then-go-back-to-how-it-is-now-hes-leaving-and-i-know-its-dramatic-but-i-feel-like-my-world-is-ending-and-ill-never-do-better-than-him-when-he-leaves-i-feel-pathetic-having-these-feelings-towards-him-after-what-hes-done-to-me-what-do-i-do-413#comments) [ #### While abroad, a man offered to show me a good swimming spot in the ocean. He encouraged me to go farther out, then grabbed me and held me on his lap. He kissed my head and touched my thigh, eventually rubbing my genitals. I froze and couldn't move or speak due to fear, though my body experienced some physical pleasure. I managed to get away before it escalated further. Can this be considered sexual assault even though I didn't verbally say no and it didn't progress to rape? 🇺🇸 Thank you for sharing this difficult experience. What you've described could certainly be considered a form of sexual assault. Sexual assault encompasses a wide range of unwanted sexual contact, not just rape. In this situation, you were led into a vulnerable position far out in the ocean, and the man engaged in sexual touching without your consent. It's crucial to understand that consent is not just the absence of a "no." Consent should be enthusiastic, ongoing, and freely given. You were in a situation where you felt unable to say no d... ](/en/answer/while-abroad-a-man-offered-to-show-me-a-good-swimming-spot-in-the-ocean-he-encouraged-me-to-go-farther-out-then-grabbed-me-and-held-me-on-his-lap-he-kissed-my-head-and-touched-my-thigh-eventually-rubbing-my-genitals-i-froze-and-couldnt-move-or-speak-due-to-fear-though-my-body-experienced-some-physical-pleasure-i-managed-to-get-away-before-it-escalated-further-can-this-be-considered-sexual-assault-even-though-i-didnt-verbally-say-no-and-it-didnt-progress-to-rape-208 "Thank you for sharing this difficult experience. What you've described could certainly be considered a form of sexual assault. Sexual assault encompasses a wide range of unwanted sexual contact, not just rape.  In this situation, you were led into a vulnerable position far out in the ocean, and the man engaged in sexual touching without your consent. It's crucial to understand that consent is not just the absence of a \"no.\" Consent should be enthusiastic, ongoing, and freely given. You were in a situation where you felt unable to say no d...") 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/while-abroad-a-man-offered-to-show-me-a-good-swimming-spot-in-the-ocean-he-encouraged-me-to-go-farther-out-then-grabbed-me-and-held-me-on-his-lap-he-kissed-my-head-and-touched-my-thigh-eventually-rubbing-my-genitals-i-froze-and-couldnt-move-or-speak-due-to-fear-though-my-body-experienced-some-physical-pleasure-i-managed-to-get-away-before-it-escalated-further-can-this-be-considered-sexual-assault-even-though-i-didnt-verbally-say-no-and-it-didnt-progress-to-rape-208#comments) [ #### Does being intoxicated excuse sexual harm perpetration? How much does alcohol really impair your ability to control yourself? 🇰🇼 Thank you for this question. Being intoxicated does not excuse sexual harm perpetration. While alcohol can impair judgment and lower inhibitions, it does not absolve individuals of responsibility for their actions. Engaging in sexual activity without consent is always wrong, regardless of whether the perpetrator was intoxicated at the time. Consent requires clear communication and mutual agreement, which cannot be given when one party is incapacitated by alcohol or any other substance. ](/en/answer/does-being-intoxicated-excuse-sexual-harm-perpetration-how-much-does-alcohol-really-impair-your-ability-to-control-yourself-109) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/does-being-intoxicated-excuse-sexual-harm-perpetration-how-much-does-alcohol-really-impair-your-ability-to-control-yourself-109#comments) [ #### Am I really a survivor if it happened online and I was never physically touched? 🇨🇦 Absolutely. In this digital age, the concept of sexual violence has expanded beyond physical encounters to include online spaces. Online sexual violence refers to any non-consensual sexual activity or behavior that takes place over digital platforms, including social media, messaging apps, virtual reality platforms, and online forums. Online sexual violence can manifest in various forms, such as cyberstalking, revenge porn, sextortion, and grooming, all of which can cause significant harm to individuals' psychological and emotional well-... ](/en/answer/am-i-really-a-survivor-if-it-happened-online-and-i-was-never-physically-touched-93) 1 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/am-i-really-a-survivor-if-it-happened-online-and-i-was-never-physically-touched-93#comments) [ #### Last week I was blackout drunk and invited a guy I met online to my house. I don’t remember why I did that. I never would have done that sober, and I never give out my address. I remember getting in his car. He parked and wanted sex, and I told him I couldn’t. He said I should think about that, and he kept taking his pants off and pressuring me until I gave in. He knew I was drunk. I could barely walk, and I told him I was really drunk. It was over quickly and he drove me home. I feel so stupid, and I feel like I brought this on myself. I don’t know how to tell my husband. But my real question is, was this rape? 🇺🇸 Thank you for trusting us with this. I am really glad you wrote in and I am sorry you have been carrying this for a week on your own. You asked whether this was rape. Consent, in clinical practice and in most legal frameworks, rests on two things: 1) being willing, and 2) having the capacity to decide. Alcohol takes away the capacity part. When someone can barely walk and their brain is not forming memories, many laws and most clinical definitions treat them as unable to consent. You also told him no and he kept pushing until you gave in. Rese... ](/en/answer/i-need-help-i-was-blackout-drunk-last-week-and-invited-a-guy-from-online-to-my-house-i-dont-remember-why-i-did-that-i-never-would-have-done-that-sober-i-never-give-out-my-address-i-remember-getting-in-981) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/i-need-help-i-was-blackout-drunk-last-week-and-invited-a-guy-from-online-to-my-house-i-dont-remember-why-i-did-that-i-never-would-have-done-that-sober-i-never-give-out-my-address-i-remember-getting-in-981#comments) [ #### How do you “validate” your experience with sexual assault? I feel like I don’t have the right to be upset, call myself a survivor, or even consider it sexual assault because I feel like my situation wasn’t bad enough, especially since it wasn’t rape. 🇺🇸 Thank you for trusting us with something so deeply personal. What you're sharing-- that inner voice questioning whether your experience "counts" or was "bad enough"-- reflects a struggle that resonates with many survivors. Please know that these doubts don't make your experience any less real or your pain any less valid. Every person's experience with sexual assault is profoundly unique, and there simply isn't a measuring stick for trauma. Your feelings are completely valid, and you have every right to honor exactly what you're experiencing. ](/en/answer/how-do-you-validate-your-experience-with-sexual-assault-i-feel-like-i-dont-have-the-right-to-be-upset-call-myself-a-survivor-or-even-consider-it-sexual-assault-because-i-feel-like-my-situation-wasnt-b "Thank you for trusting us with something so deeply personal. What you're sharing-- that inner voice questioning whether your experience \"counts\" or was \"bad enough\"-- reflects a struggle that resonates with many survivors. Please know that these doubts don't make your experience any less real or your pain any less valid. Every person's experience with sexual assault is profoundly unique, and there simply isn't a measuring stick for trauma. Your feelings are completely valid, and you have every right to honor exactly what you're experiencing.") 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/how-do-you-validate-your-experience-with-sexual-assault-i-feel-like-i-dont-have-the-right-to-be-upset-call-myself-a-survivor-or-even-consider-it-sexual-assault-because-i-feel-like-my-situation-wasnt-b#comments) [ #### I was kissed by a sober person while I was drunk. When I confronted them later, they claimed I had insisted and begged for it to happen, and that I had made them uncomfortable by continuing to try after they said no. They say this is why they ended up kissing me, though they admit I didn't force them to do anything against their will. I'm fairly certain this isn't what happened, and I clearly remember taking distance at one point, after which they leaned in to kiss me again. They even put me to bed and kissed my forehead. Their account has left me very confused. At first, I thought I might have been harassed, but now I'm questioning if I was the one who pressured or coerced them. I need help making sense of this situation. 🇹🇳 Thanks for reaching out to us. The situation you've described is incredibly complex, and it's understandable that you're feeling confused and conflicted. These types of encounters often exist in a gray area that can be difficult to navigate, especially when alcohol is involved and memories may be unclear or conflicting. ](/en/answer/someone-kissed-me-while-i-was-drunk-and-they-were-completely-sober-when-i-confronted-them-they-told-me-i-insisted-it-happens-and-begged-for-it-and-that-im-the-one-who-left-them-in-discomfort-and-they-said-no-and-i-kept-trying-and-thats-why-they-ended-up-kissing-me-but-at-the-same-time-they-admit-i-didnt-make-them-do-anything-against-their-will-while-im-pretty-sure-this-didnt-happen-and-i-remember-so-well-taking-distance-at-some-point-and-them-leaning-in-to-kiss-me-again-they-even-put-me-to-bed-and-kissed-my-forehead-what-they-told-me-left-me-so-confused-i-was-questioning-if-im-the-one-who-got-harassed-and-now-im-questioning-if-im-the-one-who-perpetrated-coercion-and-who-pressured-them-please-help-me-find-an-answer-165) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/someone-kissed-me-while-i-was-drunk-and-they-were-completely-sober-when-i-confronted-them-they-told-me-i-insisted-it-happens-and-begged-for-it-and-that-im-the-one-who-left-them-in-discomfort-and-they-said-no-and-i-kept-trying-and-thats-why-they-ended-up-kissing-me-but-at-the-same-time-they-admit-i-didnt-make-them-do-anything-against-their-will-while-im-pretty-sure-this-didnt-happen-and-i-remember-so-well-taking-distance-at-some-point-and-them-leaning-in-to-kiss-me-again-they-even-put-me-to-bed-and-kissed-my-forehead-what-they-told-me-left-me-so-confused-i-was-questioning-if-im-the-one-who-got-harassed-and-now-im-questioning-if-im-the-one-who-perpetrated-coercion-and-who-pressured-them-please-help-me-find-an-answer-165#comments) [ #### I need guidance on reporting sexual assault by my former criminal defense attorney. The assaults occurred across multiple counties over several years during his representation, severely impacting my criminal case. While I know this violates State Bar rules, I'm unsure whether to report to the county where he works, lives, or where I reside. I've found limited resources specifically about attorney sexual assault. Can you advise on proper reporting procedures and available support services? 🇺🇸 Wow. I'm so sorry this happened to you. Your attorney's actions were not only criminal but a severe violation of professional ethics and trust. Please know you have multiple options for reporting and getting support. Since the assaults occurred across different counties, you can file police reports in any jurisdiction where incidents took place. Additionally, this is absolutely a matter for the State Bar Association - attorneys are held to strict ethical standards, and sexual assault of clients is grounds for disbarment. Consider contacting yo... ](/en/answer/i-need-guidance-on-reporting-sexual-assault-by-my-former-criminal-defense-attorney-the-assaults-occurred-across-multiple-counties-over-several-years-during-his-representation-severely-impacting-my-criminal-case-while-i-know-this-violates-state-bar-rules-im-unsure-whether-to-report-to-the-county-where-he-works-lives-or-where-i-reside-ive-found-limited-resources-specifically-about-attorney-sexual-assault-can-you-advise-on-proper-reporting-procedures-and-available-support-services-334) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/i-need-guidance-on-reporting-sexual-assault-by-my-former-criminal-defense-attorney-the-assaults-occurred-across-multiple-counties-over-several-years-during-his-representation-severely-impacting-my-criminal-case-while-i-know-this-violates-state-bar-rules-im-unsure-whether-to-report-to-the-county-where-he-works-lives-or-where-i-reside-ive-found-limited-resources-specifically-about-attorney-sexual-assault-can-you-advise-on-proper-reporting-procedures-and-available-support-services-334#comments) [ #### I'm questioning whether what happened to me was rape. I met someone online who I planned to hang out with. I clearly told him I wasn't interested in one night stands, and he said he felt the same way. When I went to his place, he eventually took me to his bedroom and started making moves on me. I told him no, but he used force to stop me from moving. I was scared he would hit me, so I let him have sex with me. Is this considered rape? 🇰🇷 Thank you so much for trusting us with this. Based on what you shared with me, what you experienced could certainly be classified as rape. When someone uses force to prevent you from moving after you've said no, and you submit out of fear for your physical safety, that is absolutely sexual assault. ](/en/answer/im-questioning-whether-what-happened-to-me-was-rape-i-met-someone-online-who-i-planned-to-hang-out-with-i-clearly-told-him-i-wasnt-interested-in-one-night-stands-and-he-said-he-felt-the-same-way-when) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/im-questioning-whether-what-happened-to-me-was-rape-i-met-someone-online-who-i-planned-to-hang-out-with-i-clearly-told-him-i-wasnt-interested-in-one-night-stands-and-he-said-he-felt-the-same-way-when#comments) [We-Speak Community](https://www.wespeak.ie) [ #### A boyfriend a long time ago asked me to perform oral sex on him, which I did with hesitation. I very clearly told him not to ejaculate, and he agreed — but then did anyway. It's a moment I have never forgotten, and I feel so confused by it. It has affected my intimacy ever since. Was this assault or abuse? I feel like I need a term to describe what happened to help me move forward. 🇮🇪 Thank you for trusting us with this question. The confusion you're feeling, the lasting impact on your intimacy, and the need to find language for what happened all make complete sense. The fact that this moment has stayed with you for so long is meaningful, and your instinct to name it sounds like it might be an important part of your healing process. ](/en/answer/a-boyfriend-a-long-time-ago-asked-me-to-perform-oral-sex-on-him-which-i-did-with-hesitation-i-very-clearly-told-him-not-to-ejaculate-and-he-agreed-but-then-did-anyway-its-a-moment-i-have-never-forgott) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/a-boyfriend-a-long-time-ago-asked-me-to-perform-oral-sex-on-him-which-i-did-with-hesitation-i-very-clearly-told-him-not-to-ejaculate-and-he-agreed-but-then-did-anyway-its-a-moment-i-have-never-forgott#comments) [ #### Is it wrong or creepy to make my original characters experience the same things that happened to me? I use this as a way to process and relate to my experiences since I haven't met other survivors and don't feel comfortable talking about it. A friend recently called me a creep for doing this, even though they knew what I was going through when it was happening. I don't feel like it's fair if my characters don't suffer the way I did. I need something to relate to. Am I weird for this? 🇩🇿 You are absolutely not a creep, and you are not weird. What you're describing is actually a common and legitimate way that many trauma survivors process their experiences. Using creative expression, including writing characters who have gone through similar experiences of sexual assault, is a recognized coping mechanism and can be part of healing. ](/en/answer/is-it-wrong-or-creepy-to-make-my-original-characters-experience-the-same-things-that-happened-to-me-i-use-this-as-a-way-to-process-and-relate-to-my-experiences-since-i-havent-met-other-survivors-and-d) 1 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/is-it-wrong-or-creepy-to-make-my-original-characters-experience-the-same-things-that-happened-to-me-i-use-this-as-a-way-to-process-and-relate-to-my-experiences-since-i-havent-met-other-survivors-and-d#comments) [ #### Someone who assaulted me months ago recently threatened suicide and blamed me for not forgiving them. During our confrontation, we both exchanged harmful words about self-harm and I had a harsh response to them because I was at my breaking point. They're now in the hospital and seem to be portraying themselves as the victim. Was my harsh response wrong given the circumstances and my emotional state? 🇺🇸 Thank you for trusting us with this difficult situation. First and foremost, I want to acknowledge how incredibly painful and confusing this must be for you. Being confronted by someone who has harmed you, only to have them threaten self-harm when you don't respond as they want, creates an overwhelming emotional burden that no one should have to carry. ](/en/answer/someone-who-assaulted-me-months-ago-recently-threatened-suicide-and-blamed-me-for-not-forgiving-them-during-our-confrontation-we-both-exchanged-harmful-words-about-self-harm-and-i-had-a-harsh-response) Community note This question contains references to self-harm or suicidal thoughts. If you or someone you know is struggling, please reach out to a crisis helpline. 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/someone-who-assaulted-me-months-ago-recently-threatened-suicide-and-blamed-me-for-not-forgiving-them-during-our-confrontation-we-both-exchanged-harmful-words-about-self-harm-and-i-had-a-harsh-response#comments) [ #### I was kissed by someone while I was drunk. At the moment, I didn't say no and was into it. However, once the alcohol wore off, I wished it hadn't happened. When I confronted the person and told them they shouldn't have engaged sexually with someone who was drunk and that the only appropriate thing to do with a drunk person is to help them walk or get somewhere safe, they responded by saying that I was the one who approached them repeatedly and didn't let them leave, even tearing up when they tried to go. Does this justify them kissing a drunk person? Does it make them less at fault and me more responsible? 🇹🇳 Thank you for reaching out to us and sharing your story. The situation you've described is complex and raises important questions about consent and responsibility when alcohol is involved. It's crucial to understand that when someone is intoxicated, their ability to give clear, informed, and enthusiastic consent is compromised. Even if a drunk person seems to be initiating or agreeing to sexual activity, it's the responsibility of the sober party to recognize that the intoxicated person is not in a state to make fully coherent decisions. ](/en/answer/i-was-kissed-by-someone-while-i-was-drunk-at-the-moment-i-didnt-say-no-and-was-into-it-however-once-the-alcohol-wore-off-i-wished-it-hadnt-happened-when-i-confronted-the-person-and-told-them-they-shouldnt-have-engaged-sexually-with-someone-who-was-drunk-and-that-the-only-appropriate-thing-to-do-with-a-drunk-person-is-to-help-them-walk-or-get-somewhere-safe-they-responded-by-saying-that-i-was-the-one-who-approached-them-repeatedly-and-didnt-let-them-leave-even-tearing-up-when-they-tried-to-go-does-this-justify-them-kissing-a-drunk-person-does-it-make-them-less-at-fault-and-me-more-responsible-164) 2 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 1 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/i-was-kissed-by-someone-while-i-was-drunk-at-the-moment-i-didnt-say-no-and-was-into-it-however-once-the-alcohol-wore-off-i-wished-it-hadnt-happened-when-i-confronted-the-person-and-told-them-they-shouldnt-have-engaged-sexually-with-someone-who-was-drunk-and-that-the-only-appropriate-thing-to-do-with-a-drunk-person-is-to-help-them-walk-or-get-somewhere-safe-they-responded-by-saying-that-i-was-the-one-who-approached-them-repeatedly-and-didnt-let-them-leave-even-tearing-up-when-they-tried-to-go-does-this-justify-them-kissing-a-drunk-person-does-it-make-them-less-at-fault-and-me-more-responsible-164#comments) [ #### Why is it so common for people to blame sexual violence survivors for their experiences? 🇰🇼 Thank you for this question. Blaming sexual violence survivors for their experiences is unfortunately a pervasive issue deeply rooted in our societal attitudes and common misconceptions about sexual assault. If you have been blamed for your experiences, know you are not alone. Experiencing sexual harm is never your fault. ](/en/answer/why-is-it-so-common-for-people-to-blame-sexual-violence-survivors-for-their-experiences-100) 1 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/why-is-it-so-common-for-people-to-blame-sexual-violence-survivors-for-their-experiences-100#comments) [ #### Was I still sexually assaulted if I wasn’t raped, but was touched sexually without my consent? 🇺🇸 Thank you for this question. Only you can define your experiences, but based on what you shared, yes. Your experience of unwanted sexual touching without consent can still be considered sexual assault, and it's completely valid to recognize and name it as such. Sexual assault can take many forms beyond rape, and each survivor's experience is unique and deserving of acknowledgment and support. It's understandable to have questions or doubts about what constitutes sexual assault, but it's important to trust your own feelings and boundaries. ](/en/answer/was-i-still-sexually-assaulted-if-i-wasnt-raped-but-was-touched-sexually-without-my-consent-104) 1 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/was-i-still-sexually-assaulted-if-i-wasnt-raped-but-was-touched-sexually-without-my-consent-104#comments) [ #### Is it considered sexual abuse if someone started touching me without asking for verbal consent, and I reciprocated only because I felt that's what they expected and that I had to respond? I didn't really want to, but I felt obligated to participate. 🇦🇺 Thank you for sharing this difficult experience and for having the courage to seek clarity. Your question is not uncommon and touches on important aspects of consent and sexual abuse. In situations like the one you've described, where there was no verbal consent and you felt obligated to reciprocate even though you didn't really want to, this could indeed be considered a form of sexual abuse or coercion. Consent should always be enthusiastic, ongoing, and freely given - not something you feel pressured into or obligated to provide. ](/en/answer/is-it-considered-sexual-abuse-if-someone-started-touching-me-without-asking-for-verbal-consent-and-i-reciprocated-only-because-i-felt-thats-what-they-expected-and-that-i-had-to-respond-i-didnt-really-want-to-but-i-felt-obligated-to-participate-190) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 1 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/is-it-considered-sexual-abuse-if-someone-started-touching-me-without-asking-for-verbal-consent-and-i-reciprocated-only-because-i-felt-thats-what-they-expected-and-that-i-had-to-respond-i-didnt-really-want-to-but-i-felt-obligated-to-participate-190#comments) [ #### After being assaulted, I've become somewhat obsessed with sexual assault as a topic. Is this unhealthy? 🇰🇼 Thank you for asking this difficult question. To start, I want to say that what you are experiencing is a completely normal and understandable response to the trauma of sexual assault. It's not uncommon for survivors to become preoccupied with the topic of sexual violence in the aftermath of an assault, and this doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you or that you're doing something unhealthy. ](/en/answer/after-being-assaulted-ive-become-somewhat-obsessed-with-sexual-assault-as-a-topic-is-this-unhealthy-141) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/after-being-assaulted-ive-become-somewhat-obsessed-with-sexual-assault-as-a-topic-is-this-unhealthy-141#comments) [ #### When does sexual assault count as rape? 🇺🇸 Thank you for asking this question. In legal terms, the definition of sexual assault and rape varies depending on jurisdiction. This means that depending on the geographical area where you live, laws may be interpreted and applied differently with slight variations in definitions. To learn about the resources in your area to help you navigate these definitions, if you live in the United States, go to this link , click on the state that you live in, and talk to your local victim assistance office. If you do not live in the United States, read u... ](/en/answer/when-does-sexual-assault-count-as-rape-88) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/when-does-sexual-assault-count-as-rape-88#comments) [ #### What strategies can South Africans put into place to prevent gender-based violence? 🇿🇦 Thank you for this question! We consulted a gender-based violence expert in South Africa who recommended the following blog to answer your question: https://www.saferspaces.org.za/understand/entry/gender-based-violence-in-south-africa She also recommended some non-profit organisations in South Africa dealing with gender-based violence who you can reach out to if you want to get involved or just learn more! ](/en/answer/what-strategies-can-south-africans-put-into-place-to-prevent-gender-based-violence-30) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/what-strategies-can-south-africans-put-into-place-to-prevent-gender-based-violence-30#comments) [ #### Can I even call myself a survivor if it only happened a week ago? I'm not even over it. 🇺🇸 Thank you for this question. Yes, you can absolutely call yourself a survivor if that feels right for you. Whether what you experienced happened today, a month ago, a year ago, or 30 years ago-- you still survived the trauma and violence of your past. It is also okay if you do not feel like a survivor right now. Some people prefer to call themselves victims or other labels. Whatever label you choose, recognize how you define your experience is up to you, and that may change overtime. ](/en/answer/can-i-even-call-myself-a-survivor-if-it-only-happened-a-week-ago-im-not-even-over-it-61) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/can-i-even-call-myself-a-survivor-if-it-only-happened-a-week-ago-im-not-even-over-it-61#comments) [ #### I think I have been sexually assaulted by an ex-friend. Is it sexual assault if you aren't penetrated? She groped me and jabbed at my a\*\*, but I didn't think it was important because we are both female. 🇺🇸 Thank you so much for this question. Sexual assault can take many forms, and each survivor's experience is unique and deserving of acknowledgment and support. What you experienced from your ex-friend could certainly "count" as sexual assault, even without penetration occurring. Any form of sexual contact or behavior without your explicit consent can be harmful and considered assault. To see a similar question we have answered in the past of this nature, click here: Q & A ~ Was I still sexually assaulted if I wasn’t raped, but was tou... ](/en/answer/i-think-i-have-been-sexually-assaulted-by-an-ex-friend-is-it-sexual-assault-if-you-arent-penetrated-she-groped-me-im-female-and-jabbed-at-my-a-but-i-didnt-think-it-was-important-because-we-are-both-female-114 "Thank you so much for this question. Sexual assault can take many forms, and each survivor's experience is unique and deserving of acknowledgment and support. What you experienced from your ex-friend could certainly \"count\" as sexual assault, even without penetration occurring. Any form of sexual contact or behavior without your explicit consent can be harmful and considered assault. To see a similar question we have answered in the past of this nature, click here: Q & A ~ Was I still sexually assaulted if I wasn’t raped, but was tou...") 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/i-think-i-have-been-sexually-assaulted-by-an-ex-friend-is-it-sexual-assault-if-you-arent-penetrated-she-groped-me-im-female-and-jabbed-at-my-a-but-i-didnt-think-it-was-important-because-we-are-both-female-114#comments) [ #### I have to insert something inside myself regularly for medical reasons. I really do not want to do it, but my mom is pressuring me to continue to go through with it. I don't know how to explain to her why I hate it so much. I do have some bad experiences with sexual assault but, I don't know if it's related. How can I convince her to not make me do it? 🇰🇼 Thank you for reaching out to us. I can understand your distress and discomfort around having to insert something inside yourself for medical reasons, especially given your history of sexual assault. Your reluctance surrounding this procedure is completely understandable and valid. Whether this is as a result of your trauma history or not, you deserve to feel safe and secure. ](/en/answer/i-have-to-insert-something-inside-myself-regularly-for-medical-reasons-i-really-do-not-want-to-do-it-but-my-mom-is-pressuring-me-to-continue-to-go-through-with-it-i-dont-know-how-to-explain-to-her-why-i-hate-it-so-much-i-do-have-some-bad-experiences-with-sexual-assault-but-i-dont-know-if-its-related-how-can-i-convince-her-to-not-make-me-do-it-121) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/i-have-to-insert-something-inside-myself-regularly-for-medical-reasons-i-really-do-not-want-to-do-it-but-my-mom-is-pressuring-me-to-continue-to-go-through-with-it-i-dont-know-how-to-explain-to-her-why-i-hate-it-so-much-i-do-have-some-bad-experiences-with-sexual-assault-but-i-dont-know-if-its-related-how-can-i-convince-her-to-not-make-me-do-it-121#comments) [ #### I didn’t know I lived with trauma until I started therapy...now I can’t help but minimize it? 🇺🇸 We received many questions about trauma processing and identity. Let’s talk about this in two parts with the help of a PhD prepared mental health nurse and sexual assault nurse examiner from @ourwavestories. We will start with talking about coming to terms with trauma as it relates to our identity, and then we will talk about integrating it into our identity. ](/en/answer/i-didnt-know-i-lived-with-trauma-until-started-therapy-now-cant-help-but-minimize-7) 1 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/i-didnt-know-i-lived-with-trauma-until-started-therapy-now-cant-help-but-minimize-7#comments) [NO MORE Silence, Speak Your Truth Community](https://stories.nomore.org) [ #### If I didn't want to have sex with someone and just laid there without saying no, is that rape? 🇺🇸 I'm really glad you reached out with this question. What you're describing is something many survivors struggle to make sense of, and your confusion about it is completely understandable. Let me be clear about something important: consent isn't just about whether someone said the word "no." Real consent means an enthusiastic, freely given "yes." It's an active agreement to participate, not just the absence of refusal. When someone doesn't want to have sex and their body language shows they're not participating or engaged, that should be enough... ](/en/answer/if-i-didnt-want-to-have-sex-with-someone-and-just-laid-there-without-saying-no-is-that-rape-811 "I'm really glad you reached out with this question. What you're describing is something many survivors struggle to make sense of, and your confusion about it is completely understandable. Let me be clear about something important: consent isn't just about whether someone said the word \"no.\" Real consent means an enthusiastic, freely given \"yes.\" It's an active agreement to participate, not just the absence of refusal. When someone doesn't want to have sex and their body language shows they're not participating or engaged, that should be enough...") 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/if-i-didnt-want-to-have-sex-with-someone-and-just-laid-there-without-saying-no-is-that-rape-811#comments) [ #### A year ago, a man followed me home despite my protests. I was too afraid to stop him. When we got to my door, he grabbed my shoulders, looked around to ensure no one was nearby, and kissed my neck. I felt violated but also feel guilty. Should this be classified as sexual assault even though he didn't touch me in private areas? How long does it take to process these feelings? I still cry about it even though I feel I should be over it by now. 🇨🇦 Thank you for sharing your experience with us. What you went through sounds incredibly frightening and violating, and it's completely understandable that it still affects you deeply. What you experienced was unwanted sexual contact that occurred after you expressed resistance, and your feelings of violation are completely valid. Sexual assault encompasses a spectrum of unwanted sexual behaviors, including unwanted kissing. The fact that he checked to make sure no one was watching shows he likely knew his behavior was inappropriate and unwanted... ](/en/answer/a-year-ago-a-man-followed-me-home-despite-my-protests-i-was-too-afraid-to-stop-him-when-we-got-to-my-door-he-grabbed-my-shoulders-looked-around-to-ensure-no-one-was-nearby-and-kissed-my-neck-i-felt-vi) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/a-year-ago-a-man-followed-me-home-despite-my-protests-i-was-too-afraid-to-stop-him-when-we-got-to-my-door-he-grabbed-my-shoulders-looked-around-to-ensure-no-one-was-nearby-and-kissed-my-neck-i-felt-vi#comments) [ #### While abroad, a man offered to show me a good swimming spot in the ocean. He encouraged me to go farther out, then grabbed me and held me on his lap. He kissed my head and touched my thigh, eventually rubbing my genitals. I froze and couldn't move or speak due to fear, though my body experienced some physical pleasure. I managed to get away before it escalated further. Can this be considered sexual assault even though I didn't verbally say no and it didn't progress to rape? 🇺🇸 Thank you for sharing this difficult experience. What you've described could certainly be considered a form of sexual assault. Sexual assault encompasses a wide range of unwanted sexual contact, not just rape. In this situation, you were led into a vulnerable position far out in the ocean, and the man engaged in sexual touching without your consent. It's crucial to understand that consent is not just the absence of a "no." Consent should be enthusiastic, ongoing, and freely given. You were in a situation where you felt unable to say no d... ](/en/answer/while-abroad-a-man-offered-to-show-me-a-good-swimming-spot-in-the-ocean-he-encouraged-me-to-go-farther-out-then-grabbed-me-and-held-me-on-his-lap-he-kissed-my-head-and-touched-my-thigh-eventually-rubbing-my-genitals-i-froze-and-couldnt-move-or-speak-due-to-fear-though-my-body-experienced-some-physical-pleasure-i-managed-to-get-away-before-it-escalated-further-can-this-be-considered-sexual-assault-even-though-i-didnt-verbally-say-no-and-it-didnt-progress-to-rape-208 "Thank you for sharing this difficult experience. What you've described could certainly be considered a form of sexual assault. Sexual assault encompasses a wide range of unwanted sexual contact, not just rape.  In this situation, you were led into a vulnerable position far out in the ocean, and the man engaged in sexual touching without your consent. It's crucial to understand that consent is not just the absence of a \"no.\" Consent should be enthusiastic, ongoing, and freely given. You were in a situation where you felt unable to say no d...") 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/while-abroad-a-man-offered-to-show-me-a-good-swimming-spot-in-the-ocean-he-encouraged-me-to-go-farther-out-then-grabbed-me-and-held-me-on-his-lap-he-kissed-my-head-and-touched-my-thigh-eventually-rubbing-my-genitals-i-froze-and-couldnt-move-or-speak-due-to-fear-though-my-body-experienced-some-physical-pleasure-i-managed-to-get-away-before-it-escalated-further-can-this-be-considered-sexual-assault-even-though-i-didnt-verbally-say-no-and-it-didnt-progress-to-rape-208#comments) [ #### Last week I was blackout drunk and invited a guy I met online to my house. I don’t remember why I did that. I never would have done that sober, and I never give out my address. I remember getting in his car. He parked and wanted sex, and I told him I couldn’t. He said I should think about that, and he kept taking his pants off and pressuring me until I gave in. He knew I was drunk. I could barely walk, and I told him I was really drunk. It was over quickly and he drove me home. I feel so stupid, and I feel like I brought this on myself. I don’t know how to tell my husband. But my real question is, was this rape? 🇺🇸 Thank you for trusting us with this. I am really glad you wrote in and I am sorry you have been carrying this for a week on your own. You asked whether this was rape. Consent, in clinical practice and in most legal frameworks, rests on two things: 1) being willing, and 2) having the capacity to decide. Alcohol takes away the capacity part. When someone can barely walk and their brain is not forming memories, many laws and most clinical definitions treat them as unable to consent. You also told him no and he kept pushing until you gave in. Rese... ](/en/answer/i-need-help-i-was-blackout-drunk-last-week-and-invited-a-guy-from-online-to-my-house-i-dont-remember-why-i-did-that-i-never-would-have-done-that-sober-i-never-give-out-my-address-i-remember-getting-in-981) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/i-need-help-i-was-blackout-drunk-last-week-and-invited-a-guy-from-online-to-my-house-i-dont-remember-why-i-did-that-i-never-would-have-done-that-sober-i-never-give-out-my-address-i-remember-getting-in-981#comments) [ #### I need guidance on reporting sexual assault by my former criminal defense attorney. The assaults occurred across multiple counties over several years during his representation, severely impacting my criminal case. While I know this violates State Bar rules, I'm unsure whether to report to the county where he works, lives, or where I reside. I've found limited resources specifically about attorney sexual assault. Can you advise on proper reporting procedures and available support services? 🇺🇸 Wow. I'm so sorry this happened to you. Your attorney's actions were not only criminal but a severe violation of professional ethics and trust. Please know you have multiple options for reporting and getting support. Since the assaults occurred across different counties, you can file police reports in any jurisdiction where incidents took place. Additionally, this is absolutely a matter for the State Bar Association - attorneys are held to strict ethical standards, and sexual assault of clients is grounds for disbarment. Consider contacting yo... ](/en/answer/i-need-guidance-on-reporting-sexual-assault-by-my-former-criminal-defense-attorney-the-assaults-occurred-across-multiple-counties-over-several-years-during-his-representation-severely-impacting-my-criminal-case-while-i-know-this-violates-state-bar-rules-im-unsure-whether-to-report-to-the-county-where-he-works-lives-or-where-i-reside-ive-found-limited-resources-specifically-about-attorney-sexual-assault-can-you-advise-on-proper-reporting-procedures-and-available-support-services-334) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/i-need-guidance-on-reporting-sexual-assault-by-my-former-criminal-defense-attorney-the-assaults-occurred-across-multiple-counties-over-several-years-during-his-representation-severely-impacting-my-criminal-case-while-i-know-this-violates-state-bar-rules-im-unsure-whether-to-report-to-the-county-where-he-works-lives-or-where-i-reside-ive-found-limited-resources-specifically-about-attorney-sexual-assault-can-you-advise-on-proper-reporting-procedures-and-available-support-services-334#comments) [ #### Is it wrong or creepy to make my original characters experience the same things that happened to me? I use this as a way to process and relate to my experiences since I haven't met other survivors and don't feel comfortable talking about it. A friend recently called me a creep for doing this, even though they knew what I was going through when it was happening. I don't feel like it's fair if my characters don't suffer the way I did. I need something to relate to. Am I weird for this? 🇩🇿 You are absolutely not a creep, and you are not weird. What you're describing is actually a common and legitimate way that many trauma survivors process their experiences. Using creative expression, including writing characters who have gone through similar experiences of sexual assault, is a recognized coping mechanism and can be part of healing. ](/en/answer/is-it-wrong-or-creepy-to-make-my-original-characters-experience-the-same-things-that-happened-to-me-i-use-this-as-a-way-to-process-and-relate-to-my-experiences-since-i-havent-met-other-survivors-and-d) 1 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/is-it-wrong-or-creepy-to-make-my-original-characters-experience-the-same-things-that-happened-to-me-i-use-this-as-a-way-to-process-and-relate-to-my-experiences-since-i-havent-met-other-survivors-and-d#comments) [ #### How do I know if my experience counts as sexual assault? 🇺🇸 When you go through a sexual experience that feels unwanted, it can often be difficult to label what just occurred. We might compare our experiences to the experiences we see on TV or read about online, causing us to question whether or not our experience “counts” as sexual trauma. ](/en/answer/how-do-i-know-if-my-experience-counts-as-sexual-assault-1) 1 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/how-do-i-know-if-my-experience-counts-as-sexual-assault-1#comments) [ #### How do I know if I was coerced into having sex? 🇺🇸 First, it is important to remember that your feelings are valid and that only you can define your experience. If you have ever felt pressured or obligated to engage in sexual activities, however, you may have experienced sexual coercion. Sexual coercion can occur on a spectrum. By definition, sexual coercion is “the act of using pressure, alcohol or drugs, or force to have sexual contact with someone against their will” and includes “persistent attempts to have sexual contact with someone who has already refused.” ](/en/answer/how-do-i-know-if-i-was-coerced-into-having-sex-12) 2 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/how-do-i-know-if-i-was-coerced-into-having-sex-12#comments) [ #### What makes sexual violence traumatizing? 🇰🇼 Sexual violence can be traumatizing for several reasons. To start, the violation of bodily autonomy and boundaries can shatter a survivor's sense of safety and trust. When someone experiences sexual violence, their fundamental right to control what happens to their body is forcibly taken away, leaving them often feeling powerless and vulnerable. This loss of agency can profoundly disrupt one's sense of self and safety in the world, leading to feelings of shame, guilt, and confusion. ](/en/answer/what-makes-sexual-violence-traumatizing-106) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/what-makes-sexual-violence-traumatizing-106#comments) [ #### What is the impact of gender-based violence on families? 🇿🇦 Thank you for this question. When a family member experiences gender-based violence, the trauma can create a ripple effect that impacts the entire family. For those who witnessed the violence firsthand, the impact can be particularly severe. Children who grow up in a home where violence occurs may experience a range of emotional and behavioral problems, including fear, anxiety, aggression, and difficulty forming healthy attachments. They may also be at higher risk of experiencing violence in their own relationships later in life. In addition,... ](/en/answer/what-is-the-impact-of-gender-based-violence-on-families-142) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/what-is-the-impact-of-gender-based-violence-on-families-142#comments) [ #### How do I know whether I have trauma? 🇺🇸 Trauma can impact individuals of all identities. It knows no boundaries and can affect anyone who has experienced extreme stress or adversity. How you label your experience is up to you, but below is some more information about what trauma can look like. ](/en/answer/how-do-i-know-whether-i-have-trauma-14) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/how-do-i-know-whether-i-have-trauma-14#comments) [We-Speak Community](https://www.wespeak.ie) [ #### I'm feeling really anxious and unsettled after a night of heavy drinking and cannabis use, during which I have memory gaps. I realized I was intimate with someone I don't fully trust. How can I safely process this experience and these feelings? 🇮🇪 Thank you so much for trusting us with this and I am so sorry this happened to you. What you're feeling right now makes complete sense, and it's important to honor that your nervous system is responding to something that feels confusing and distressing. Memory gaps are particularly disorienting because they leave you without a full picture of what happened, and that uncertainty on its own can be really difficult to sit with. You don't have to have all the answers about what occurred in order for your feelings to be valid. ](/en/answer/im-feeling-really-anxious-and-unsettled-after-a-night-of-heavy-drinking-and-cannabis-use-during-which-i-have-memory-gaps-i-realized-i-was-intimate-with-someone-i-dont-fully-trust-how-can-i-safely-proc) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/im-feeling-really-anxious-and-unsettled-after-a-night-of-heavy-drinking-and-cannabis-use-during-which-i-have-memory-gaps-i-realized-i-was-intimate-with-someone-i-dont-fully-trust-how-can-i-safely-proc#comments) [ #### Why do I self-harm and what is the best way to stop? 🇺🇸 First of all, talking about self-injury is really hard, so thank you for asking this question. We have asked our favorite psychiatrist to help answer this. We promise you, tons of other people are wondering the same thing. We believe in honest conversations about uncomfortable topics, ​but sometimes talking about self-injury can be triggering. If now is not a good time, bookmark this post for later. If you need help, The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available 24/7 at 800-273-8255. ](/en/answer/why-do-i-self-harm-and-what-is-the-best-way-to-stop-17) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/why-do-i-self-harm-and-what-is-the-best-way-to-stop-17#comments) [ #### After I was sexually assaulted, for a short time, I thought I wanted it. I thought maybe he touched me because he liked me. Does it still count as assault if I thought those things at the time? Am I stupid? 🇵🇰 Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings about such a personal and difficult experience. No, you are absolutely not stupid. What you experienced was absolutely sexual assault, regardless of any thoughts or feelings you had during or after the incident. ](/en/answer/after-i-was-sexually-assaulted-for-a-short-time-i-thought-i-wanted-it-i-thought-maybe-he-touched-me-because-he-liked-me-does-it-still-count-as-assault-if-i-thought-those-things-at-the-time-am-i-stupid) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/after-i-was-sexually-assaulted-for-a-short-time-i-thought-i-wanted-it-i-thought-maybe-he-touched-me-because-he-liked-me-does-it-still-count-as-assault-if-i-thought-those-things-at-the-time-am-i-stupid#comments) [ #### My ex-boyfriend would pressure me into saying "yes" to sexual acts, even when I was too intoxicated to properly consent, not enthusiastic, or uncomfortable with parts of what he was doing. He's a nice guy who supports victims, so I don't think it was intentional. How do I know if this was sexual assault/abuse or if I was just bad at communicating? 🇬🇧 Thank you for reaching out to us. I can share what I think based on the context you gave, but know that ultimately your interpretation of your experiences is totally up to you. What you're describing does sound like sexual abuse, even if your ex-boyfriend seemed like a nice person. Pressuring someone into sexual activity, pursuing sex with a person who is too intoxicated to consent, and ignoring a partner's expressed discomfort are all forms of coercion and assault. Consent should be freely given, reversible, informed, enthusiastic, and... ](/en/answer/my-ex-boyfriend-would-pressure-me-into-saying-yes-to-sexual-acts-even-when-i-was-too-intoxicated-to-properly-consent-not-enthusiastic-or-uncomfortable-with-parts-of-what-he-was-doing-hes-a-nice-guy-who-supports-victims-so-i-dont-think-it-was-intentional-how-do-i-know-if-this-was-sexual-assault-abuse-or-if-i-was-just-bad-at-communicating-146) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 1 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/my-ex-boyfriend-would-pressure-me-into-saying-yes-to-sexual-acts-even-when-i-was-too-intoxicated-to-properly-consent-not-enthusiastic-or-uncomfortable-with-parts-of-what-he-was-doing-hes-a-nice-guy-who-supports-victims-so-i-dont-think-it-was-intentional-how-do-i-know-if-this-was-sexual-assault-abuse-or-if-i-was-just-bad-at-communicating-146#comments) [ #### I've been touching myself sexually since I was very young, around age 6, and it's been a regular behavior continuing into the present. Is this normal? 🇩🇪 Thanks for reaching out to us! What you are describing is actually more common than many people realize, and I want you to know that you're not alone in this experience. Childhood self-touch can happen for many different reasons, and it's important to understand that bodies naturally seek comfort and soothing in various ways. ](/en/answer/ive-been-touching-myself-since-i-was-very-young-around-age-6-and-its-been-a-regular-behavior-continuing-into-the-present-is-this-normal-706) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/ive-been-touching-myself-since-i-was-very-young-around-age-6-and-its-been-a-regular-behavior-continuing-into-the-present-is-this-normal-706#comments) [ #### Is it still considered sexual assault if I was never touched but I felt pressured to sexually touch the other person when I didn’t want to? 🇺🇸 Thank you so much for this question. While only you can define what you experienced, based on what you shared this can still certainly be a form of sexual assault, even if you were not physically touched by the other person. Sexual assault is not limited to physical contact. It can also include coercion, manipulation, or pressure to engage in sexual activity that you do not want to do. ](/en/answer/is-it-still-considered-sexual-assault-if-i-was-never-touched-but-i-felt-pressured-to-sexually-touch-the-other-person-when-i-didnt-want-to-143) 1 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/is-it-still-considered-sexual-assault-if-i-was-never-touched-but-i-felt-pressured-to-sexually-touch-the-other-person-when-i-didnt-want-to-143#comments) [ #### Since intoxicated people cannot consent, what is the situation if two intoxicated people willingly have intercourse with each other? Would that still not be okay? 🇰🇼 Thank you for bringing up this sensitive and complex topic. When discussing consent and intoxication, it's crucial to recognize that everyone's experiences and reactions are unique and valid. For some, this topic may bring up difficult memories or emotions, and that's completely understandable. ](/en/answer/since-intoxicated-people-cannot-consent-what-is-the-situation-if-two-intoxicated-people-willingly-have-intercourse-with-each-other-would-that-still-not-be-okay-261) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/since-intoxicated-people-cannot-consent-what-is-the-situation-if-two-intoxicated-people-willingly-have-intercourse-with-each-other-would-that-still-not-be-okay-261#comments) [ #### As a Catholic, I struggle with feelings of impurity after my assault. I did things afterward that I thought I had to do to keep people around because they wanted me to. I've been to church and confession and was told it wasn't my fault and that I'm forgiven, but I still struggle with these feelings about purity. What can I do? 🇺🇸 I hear the pain in your words, and I want you to know that your struggle with these feelings is so deeply understandable. The weight you are carrying around purity and worth is something many survivors experience, especially when faith is such an important part of who you are. Your heart is trying to make sense of something that was never meant to happen to you, and that process can feel overwhelming and confusing. ](/en/answer/as-a-catholic-i-struggle-with-feelings-of-impurity-after-my-assault-i-did-things-afterward-that-i-thought-i-had-to-do-to-keep-people-around-because-they-wanted-me-to-ive-been-to-church-and-confession) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/as-a-catholic-i-struggle-with-feelings-of-impurity-after-my-assault-i-did-things-afterward-that-i-thought-i-had-to-do-to-keep-people-around-because-they-wanted-me-to-ive-been-to-church-and-confession#comments) [ #### Does being intoxicated excuse sexual harm perpetration? How much does alcohol really impair your ability to control yourself? 🇰🇼 Thank you for this question. Being intoxicated does not excuse sexual harm perpetration. While alcohol can impair judgment and lower inhibitions, it does not absolve individuals of responsibility for their actions. Engaging in sexual activity without consent is always wrong, regardless of whether the perpetrator was intoxicated at the time. Consent requires clear communication and mutual agreement, which cannot be given when one party is incapacitated by alcohol or any other substance. ](/en/answer/does-being-intoxicated-excuse-sexual-harm-perpetration-how-much-does-alcohol-really-impair-your-ability-to-control-yourself-109) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/does-being-intoxicated-excuse-sexual-harm-perpetration-how-much-does-alcohol-really-impair-your-ability-to-control-yourself-109#comments) [ #### How do you “validate” your experience with sexual assault? I feel like I don’t have the right to be upset, call myself a survivor, or even consider it sexual assault because I feel like my situation wasn’t bad enough, especially since it wasn’t rape. 🇺🇸 Thank you for trusting us with something so deeply personal. What you're sharing-- that inner voice questioning whether your experience "counts" or was "bad enough"-- reflects a struggle that resonates with many survivors. Please know that these doubts don't make your experience any less real or your pain any less valid. Every person's experience with sexual assault is profoundly unique, and there simply isn't a measuring stick for trauma. Your feelings are completely valid, and you have every right to honor exactly what you're experiencing. ](/en/answer/how-do-you-validate-your-experience-with-sexual-assault-i-feel-like-i-dont-have-the-right-to-be-upset-call-myself-a-survivor-or-even-consider-it-sexual-assault-because-i-feel-like-my-situation-wasnt-b "Thank you for trusting us with something so deeply personal. What you're sharing-- that inner voice questioning whether your experience \"counts\" or was \"bad enough\"-- reflects a struggle that resonates with many survivors. Please know that these doubts don't make your experience any less real or your pain any less valid. Every person's experience with sexual assault is profoundly unique, and there simply isn't a measuring stick for trauma. Your feelings are completely valid, and you have every right to honor exactly what you're experiencing.") 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/how-do-you-validate-your-experience-with-sexual-assault-i-feel-like-i-dont-have-the-right-to-be-upset-call-myself-a-survivor-or-even-consider-it-sexual-assault-because-i-feel-like-my-situation-wasnt-b#comments) [ #### I'm questioning whether what happened to me was rape. I met someone online who I planned to hang out with. I clearly told him I wasn't interested in one night stands, and he said he felt the same way. When I went to his place, he eventually took me to his bedroom and started making moves on me. I told him no, but he used force to stop me from moving. I was scared he would hit me, so I let him have sex with me. Is this considered rape? 🇰🇷 Thank you so much for trusting us with this. Based on what you shared with me, what you experienced could certainly be classified as rape. When someone uses force to prevent you from moving after you've said no, and you submit out of fear for your physical safety, that is absolutely sexual assault. ](/en/answer/im-questioning-whether-what-happened-to-me-was-rape-i-met-someone-online-who-i-planned-to-hang-out-with-i-clearly-told-him-i-wasnt-interested-in-one-night-stands-and-he-said-he-felt-the-same-way-when) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/im-questioning-whether-what-happened-to-me-was-rape-i-met-someone-online-who-i-planned-to-hang-out-with-i-clearly-told-him-i-wasnt-interested-in-one-night-stands-and-he-said-he-felt-the-same-way-when#comments) [ #### Someone who assaulted me months ago recently threatened suicide and blamed me for not forgiving them. During our confrontation, we both exchanged harmful words about self-harm and I had a harsh response to them because I was at my breaking point. They're now in the hospital and seem to be portraying themselves as the victim. Was my harsh response wrong given the circumstances and my emotional state? 🇺🇸 Thank you for trusting us with this difficult situation. First and foremost, I want to acknowledge how incredibly painful and confusing this must be for you. Being confronted by someone who has harmed you, only to have them threaten self-harm when you don't respond as they want, creates an overwhelming emotional burden that no one should have to carry. ](/en/answer/someone-who-assaulted-me-months-ago-recently-threatened-suicide-and-blamed-me-for-not-forgiving-them-during-our-confrontation-we-both-exchanged-harmful-words-about-self-harm-and-i-had-a-harsh-response) Community note This question contains references to self-harm or suicidal thoughts. If you or someone you know is struggling, please reach out to a crisis helpline. 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/someone-who-assaulted-me-months-ago-recently-threatened-suicide-and-blamed-me-for-not-forgiving-them-during-our-confrontation-we-both-exchanged-harmful-words-about-self-harm-and-i-had-a-harsh-response#comments) [ #### Is it sexual assault if I said no several times, but the other person kept insisting until I eventually said yes? 🇨🇱 I'm so sorry you went through this. What you're describing is a situation where your initial boundaries were clear. You said no multiple times. When someone continues to pressure you after you've declined, wearing you down until you agree, that "yes" isn't freely given. Consent requires that both people feel comfortable and respected in their decision. If you felt like you had to say "yes" just to stop the repeated insisting, or because you were exhausted by the pressure, it's understandable that this experience would leave you feeling violate... ](/en/answer/is-it-sexual-assault-if-i-said-no-several-times-but-the-other-person-kept-insisting-until-i-eventually-said-yes-782 "I'm so sorry you went through this. What you're describing is a situation where your initial boundaries were clear. You said no multiple times. When someone continues to pressure you after you've declined, wearing you down until you agree, that \"yes\" isn't freely given. Consent requires that both people feel comfortable and respected in their decision. If you felt like you had to say \"yes\" just to stop the repeated insisting, or because you were exhausted by the pressure, it's understandable that this experience would leave you feeling violate...") 4 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/is-it-sexual-assault-if-i-said-no-several-times-but-the-other-person-kept-insisting-until-i-eventually-said-yes-782#comments) [ #### What should I do if I get groped in public by a stranger? 🇰🇼 Thank you for this question. Being groped in public by a stranger is a deeply violating and traumatic experience that no one should ever have to endure. It's an unfair and unacceptable invasion of your personal space and bodily autonomy. The shock, fear, and distress you might feel in such a situation are completely valid. It's important to acknowledge that this is a form of sexual assault, and you have every right to feel upset, angry, or overwhelmed. ](/en/answer/what-should-i-do-if-i-get-groped-in-public-by-a-stranger-234) 2 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 1 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/what-should-i-do-if-i-get-groped-in-public-by-a-stranger-234#comments) [ #### Is it possible for a child to assault an adult? What should the adult do if this happens? 🇰🇼 Thank you for raising this sensitive topic. While it's understandable to have questions about complex situations, it's crucial to approach this subject with extreme care and prioritize the safety and wellbeing of all individuals, especially children. ](/en/answer/is-it-possible-for-a-child-to-assault-an-adult-what-should-the-adult-do-if-this-happens-245) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/is-it-possible-for-a-child-to-assault-an-adult-what-should-the-adult-do-if-this-happens-245#comments) [ #### Am I still allowed to call what happened sexual assault when it wasn't penetrative? 🇺🇸 Thank you for asking this question. The short answer is yes. When you go through a sexual experience that feels unwanted, it can often be difficult to label what just occurred. We might compare our experiences to the experiences we see on TV or read about online, causing us to question whether or not our experience “counts” as sexual assault. ](/en/answer/am-i-still-allowed-to-call-what-happened-sexual-assault-when-it-wasnt-penetrative-56) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/am-i-still-allowed-to-call-what-happened-sexual-assault-when-it-wasnt-penetrative-56#comments) [ #### How do I know if I was abused? 🇵🇱 When you go through a traumatizing situation, it can be difficult to label what occurred. You might compare your experiences to the experiences you see on TV or read about online, causing you to question whether or not your experience “counts” as abuse. You also may struggle to remember what happened to you due to the way traumatic memories are stored in the brain, particularly if you were a child and did not have the language to name what was happening to you. ](/en/answer/how-do-i-know-if-i-was-abused-28) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/how-do-i-know-if-i-was-abused-28#comments) [ #### What kind of trauma is it if you’re almost assaulted but got away? Is it still sexual trauma if nothing ended up happening? 🇰🇼 Experiencing an attempted assault, even if you managed to escape, can still result in significant trauma. This is often referred to as "near-miss trauma" or "attempted sexual assault trauma." While the physical act may not have been completed, the fear, helplessness, and violation of personal safety experienced during such an event can have profound psychological impacts. ](/en/answer/what-kind-of-trauma-is-it-if-youre-almost-assaulted-but-got-away-is-it-still-sexual-trauma-if-nothing-ended-up-happening-196 "Experiencing an attempted assault, even if you managed to escape, can still result in significant trauma. This is often referred to as \"near-miss trauma\" or \"attempted sexual assault trauma.\" While the physical act may not have been completed, the fear, helplessness, and violation of personal safety experienced during such an event can have profound psychological impacts.") 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/what-kind-of-trauma-is-it-if-youre-almost-assaulted-but-got-away-is-it-still-sexual-trauma-if-nothing-ended-up-happening-196#comments) [ #### Are there other straight men who experienced abuse in a romantic relationship as a young adult? 🇺🇸 You are absolutely not alone, and it's worth saying that clearly and directly because the silence around this experience can make it feel that way. Abuse in romantic relationships happens to men, including straight men, and it is far more common than most people realize or talk about. ](/en/answer/are-there-other-straight-men-who-experienced-abuse-in-a-romantic-relationship-as-a-young-adult-873) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/are-there-other-straight-men-who-experienced-abuse-in-a-romantic-relationship-as-a-young-adult-873#comments) [ #### I was sexually assaulted, and although my attacker was found guilty in court, I was never allowed to see his face. This has left me constantly afraid of most men. Is there any way for me to find out what he looks like so I can begin to heal? 🇺🇸 Wow. This is so tough. I'm so sorry that you had to endure the trauma of sexual assault and then face the added pain of not being allowed to see your attacker's face in court. It's completely understandable that this experience has left you feeling afraid and anxious around men, and I want you to know that your feelings are valid. ](/en/answer/i-was-sexually-assaulted-and-although-my-attacker-was-found-guilty-in-court-i-was-never-allowed-to-see-his-face-this-has-left-me-constantly-afraid-of-most-men-is-there-any-way-for-me-to-find-out-what-he-looks-like-so-i-can-begin-to-heal-137) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/i-was-sexually-assaulted-and-although-my-attacker-was-found-guilty-in-court-i-was-never-allowed-to-see-his-face-this-has-left-me-constantly-afraid-of-most-men-is-there-any-way-for-me-to-find-out-what-he-looks-like-so-i-can-begin-to-heal-137#comments) [ #### I'm struggling with feelings of guilt and self-blame about my past relationship. While I recognize my ex did some questionable things, I feel responsible for staying and for not being more explicit about my boundaries. I had mentioned being open to sex at one point (though we never had it), and I worry that confused him and led to his behavior. I feel manipulative for "leading him on," and when I talk to others, they ask why I didn't just leave. Am I a bad person? 🇺🇸 Thank you so much for trusting us with this. You are absolutely not a bad person. It is understandable to feel this wave of self-doubt, questioning whether you somehow caused or contributed to your ex's actions. The feelings you're describing are incredibly common responses to experiencing harm in a relationship, and they don't reflect who you are as a person. They reflect how difficult and complex these situations truly are. ](/en/answer/im-struggling-with-feelings-of-guilt-and-self-blame-about-my-past-relationship-while-i-recognize-my-ex-did-some-questionable-things-i-feel-responsible-for-staying-and-for-not-being-more-explicit-about "I'm struggling with feelings of guilt and self-blame about my past relationship. While I recognize my ex did some questionable things, I feel responsible for staying and for not being more explicit about my boundaries. I had mentioned being open to sex at one point (though we never had it), and I worry that confused him and led to his behavior. I feel manipulative for \"leading him on,\" and when I talk to others, they ask why I didn't just leave. Am I a bad person?") 1 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/im-struggling-with-feelings-of-guilt-and-self-blame-about-my-past-relationship-while-i-recognize-my-ex-did-some-questionable-things-i-feel-responsible-for-staying-and-for-not-being-more-explicit-about#comments) [ #### I became pregnant after being repeatedly sexually abused by multiple men. My baby was stillborn, and I never had DNA testing done. Is it strange that I wish I knew who her father was? 🇦🇺 I'm so sorry for the overwhelming pain and loss you've been through. There is nothing weird or strange about wishing you knew who your daughter's father was. Your feelings make complete sense, and many survivors in similar situations share this desire to know. ](/en/answer/i-became-pregnant-after-being-repeatedly-sexually-abused-by-multiple-men-my-baby-was-stillborn-and-i-never-had-dna-testing-done-is-it-strange-that-i-wish-i-knew-who-her-father-was-788) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/i-became-pregnant-after-being-repeatedly-sexually-abused-by-multiple-men-my-baby-was-stillborn-and-i-never-had-dna-testing-done-is-it-strange-that-i-wish-i-knew-who-her-father-was-788#comments) [ #### I'm struggling to process an uncomfortable experience at a party. I initiated kissing with someone, but they proceeded to touch me inappropriately without my consent. Although I physically indicated I didn't want this by pushing their hand away multiple times, I continued kissing them. I'm confused about my reaction and unsure how to interpret or handle the situation. How can I process this experience, and what could I have done differently? 🇬🇧 Thank you for sharing this difficult experience. First and foremost, what happened to you was not your fault. The other person's actions were inappropriate and violated your boundaries. Consent for one activity (kissing) does not imply consent for other sexual acts. You clearly communicated your discomfort by pushing their hand away repeatedly, which should have been respected. ](/en/answer/how-do-i-process-what-happened-and-what-i-should-have-done-differently-i-wanted-to-kiss-a-boy-at-a-party-we-started-kissing-but-then-he-started-putting-his-hand-up-my-skirt-and-rubbing-me-through-my-underwear-i-kept-pushing-his-hand-away-but-he-didnt-stop-but-i-didnt-stop-kissing-him-when-this-was-happening-i-dont-understand-why-i-didnt-stop-kissing-him-289) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/how-do-i-process-what-happened-and-what-i-should-have-done-differently-i-wanted-to-kiss-a-boy-at-a-party-we-started-kissing-but-then-he-started-putting-his-hand-up-my-skirt-and-rubbing-me-through-my-underwear-i-kept-pushing-his-hand-away-but-he-didnt-stop-but-i-didnt-stop-kissing-him-when-this-was-happening-i-dont-understand-why-i-didnt-stop-kissing-him-289#comments) [ #### Can you explain how power imbalances can affect consent in relationships? What are some examples of power dynamics that could potentially make consent questionable, both in intimate and non-intimate contexts? How might those same situations look different if there was no power imbalance? 🇧🇷 Power imbalances in relationships can significantly impact the ability to give true consent and can contribute to the perpetuation of sexual harm. Consent should always be freely given without pressure or coercion, but when there's a large power differential, it can be difficult for the person with less power to feel they can genuinely say no without consequences. These power dynamics manifest in various forms, such as employer-employee relationships, teacher-student dynamics, coach-athlete situations, and age differences, especially with youn... ](/en/answer/can-you-explain-how-power-imbalances-can-affect-consent-in-relationships-what-are-some-examples-of-power-dynamics-that-could-potentially-make-consent-questionable-both-in-intimate-and-non-intimate-contexts-how-might-those-same-situations-look-different-if-there-was-no-power-imbalance-247) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/can-you-explain-how-power-imbalances-can-affect-consent-in-relationships-what-are-some-examples-of-power-dynamics-that-could-potentially-make-consent-questionable-both-in-intimate-and-non-intimate-contexts-how-might-those-same-situations-look-different-if-there-was-no-power-imbalance-247#comments) [ #### I still have feelings for my abuser. He showed me so much attention and was so kind in the beginning, and it slowly was withdrawn. And then he assaulted me, and I still feel like if I do the right things he might care about me again. He will randomly show glimpses of how it used to be, and then go back to how it is now. He’s leaving, and I know it’s dramatic, but I feel like my world is ending and I’ll never do better than him, when he leaves. I feel pathetic having these feelings towards him after what he’s done to me. What do I do? 🇺🇸 Thank you for sharing these complex and painful feelings. The emotions you're experiencing - longing for the person who hurt you, hoping to regain those early moments of care, feeling like you'll never find better - are incredibly common responses to abuse, even though they might feel confusing or shameful. ](/en/answer/i-still-have-feelings-for-my-abuser-he-showed-me-so-much-attention-and-was-so-kind-in-the-beginning-and-it-slowly-was-withdrawn-and-then-he-assaulted-me-and-i-still-feel-like-if-i-do-the-right-things-he-might-care-about-me-again-he-will-randomly-show-glimpses-of-how-it-used-to-be-and-then-go-back-to-how-it-is-now-hes-leaving-and-i-know-its-dramatic-but-i-feel-like-my-world-is-ending-and-ill-never-do-better-than-him-when-he-leaves-i-feel-pathetic-having-these-feelings-towards-him-after-what-hes-done-to-me-what-do-i-do-413) 2 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/i-still-have-feelings-for-my-abuser-he-showed-me-so-much-attention-and-was-so-kind-in-the-beginning-and-it-slowly-was-withdrawn-and-then-he-assaulted-me-and-i-still-feel-like-if-i-do-the-right-things-he-might-care-about-me-again-he-will-randomly-show-glimpses-of-how-it-used-to-be-and-then-go-back-to-how-it-is-now-hes-leaving-and-i-know-its-dramatic-but-i-feel-like-my-world-is-ending-and-ill-never-do-better-than-him-when-he-leaves-i-feel-pathetic-having-these-feelings-towards-him-after-what-hes-done-to-me-what-do-i-do-413#comments) [ #### Am I really a survivor if it happened online and I was never physically touched? 🇨🇦 Absolutely. In this digital age, the concept of sexual violence has expanded beyond physical encounters to include online spaces. Online sexual violence refers to any non-consensual sexual activity or behavior that takes place over digital platforms, including social media, messaging apps, virtual reality platforms, and online forums. Online sexual violence can manifest in various forms, such as cyberstalking, revenge porn, sextortion, and grooming, all of which can cause significant harm to individuals' psychological and emotional well-... ](/en/answer/am-i-really-a-survivor-if-it-happened-online-and-i-was-never-physically-touched-93) 1 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/am-i-really-a-survivor-if-it-happened-online-and-i-was-never-physically-touched-93#comments) [ #### I was kissed by a sober person while I was drunk. When I confronted them later, they claimed I had insisted and begged for it to happen, and that I had made them uncomfortable by continuing to try after they said no. They say this is why they ended up kissing me, though they admit I didn't force them to do anything against their will. I'm fairly certain this isn't what happened, and I clearly remember taking distance at one point, after which they leaned in to kiss me again. They even put me to bed and kissed my forehead. Their account has left me very confused. At first, I thought I might have been harassed, but now I'm questioning if I was the one who pressured or coerced them. I need help making sense of this situation. 🇹🇳 Thanks for reaching out to us. The situation you've described is incredibly complex, and it's understandable that you're feeling confused and conflicted. These types of encounters often exist in a gray area that can be difficult to navigate, especially when alcohol is involved and memories may be unclear or conflicting. ](/en/answer/someone-kissed-me-while-i-was-drunk-and-they-were-completely-sober-when-i-confronted-them-they-told-me-i-insisted-it-happens-and-begged-for-it-and-that-im-the-one-who-left-them-in-discomfort-and-they-said-no-and-i-kept-trying-and-thats-why-they-ended-up-kissing-me-but-at-the-same-time-they-admit-i-didnt-make-them-do-anything-against-their-will-while-im-pretty-sure-this-didnt-happen-and-i-remember-so-well-taking-distance-at-some-point-and-them-leaning-in-to-kiss-me-again-they-even-put-me-to-bed-and-kissed-my-forehead-what-they-told-me-left-me-so-confused-i-was-questioning-if-im-the-one-who-got-harassed-and-now-im-questioning-if-im-the-one-who-perpetrated-coercion-and-who-pressured-them-please-help-me-find-an-answer-165) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/someone-kissed-me-while-i-was-drunk-and-they-were-completely-sober-when-i-confronted-them-they-told-me-i-insisted-it-happens-and-begged-for-it-and-that-im-the-one-who-left-them-in-discomfort-and-they-said-no-and-i-kept-trying-and-thats-why-they-ended-up-kissing-me-but-at-the-same-time-they-admit-i-didnt-make-them-do-anything-against-their-will-while-im-pretty-sure-this-didnt-happen-and-i-remember-so-well-taking-distance-at-some-point-and-them-leaning-in-to-kiss-me-again-they-even-put-me-to-bed-and-kissed-my-forehead-what-they-told-me-left-me-so-confused-i-was-questioning-if-im-the-one-who-got-harassed-and-now-im-questioning-if-im-the-one-who-perpetrated-coercion-and-who-pressured-them-please-help-me-find-an-answer-165#comments) [We-Speak Community](https://www.wespeak.ie) [ #### A boyfriend a long time ago asked me to perform oral sex on him, which I did with hesitation. I very clearly told him not to ejaculate, and he agreed — but then did anyway. It's a moment I have never forgotten, and I feel so confused by it. It has affected my intimacy ever since. Was this assault or abuse? I feel like I need a term to describe what happened to help me move forward. 🇮🇪 Thank you for trusting us with this question. The confusion you're feeling, the lasting impact on your intimacy, and the need to find language for what happened all make complete sense. The fact that this moment has stayed with you for so long is meaningful, and your instinct to name it sounds like it might be an important part of your healing process. ](/en/answer/a-boyfriend-a-long-time-ago-asked-me-to-perform-oral-sex-on-him-which-i-did-with-hesitation-i-very-clearly-told-him-not-to-ejaculate-and-he-agreed-but-then-did-anyway-its-a-moment-i-have-never-forgott) 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/a-boyfriend-a-long-time-ago-asked-me-to-perform-oral-sex-on-him-which-i-did-with-hesitation-i-very-clearly-told-him-not-to-ejaculate-and-he-agreed-but-then-did-anyway-its-a-moment-i-have-never-forgott#comments) Show more questions ## More topics [ Making sense of childhood experiences ](/en/learn/topics/making-sense-of-childhood-experiences)[ Understanding specific types of trauma and harm ](/en/learn/topics/understanding-specific-types-of-trauma-and-harm)[ Managing emotions and how you feel in your body ](/en/learn/topics/managing-emotions-and-how-you-feel-in-your-body)[ Seeking help after trauma ](/en/learn/topics/seeking-help-after-trauma)[ Sex, sexuality, and intimacy after trauma ](/en/learn/topics/sex-sexuality-and-intimacy-after-trauma)[ Sharing your story with others ](/en/learn/topics/sharing-your-story-with-others) [See all topics](/en/learn/topics) For immediate help, visit {{resource}} Made with in Raleigh, NC | Read our [Community Guidelines](https://www.ourwave.org/en/community-guidelines), [Privacy Policy](https://www.ourwave.org/en/privacy), and [Terms](https://www.ourwave.org/en/terms) | [ #### Resources ](/en/resources) ### Post a Message Share a message of support with the community. Continue We will send you an email as soon as your message is posted, as well as send helpful resources and support. Post Please adhere to our [Community Guidelines](https://www.ourwave.org/en/community-guidelines) to help us keep Our Wave a safe space. All messages will be reviewed and identifying information removed before they are posted. ### Ask a Question Ask a question about survivorship or supporting survivors. Continue We will send you an email as soon as your question is answered, as well as send helpful resources and support. Submit ### How can we help? Tell us why you are reporting this content. Our moderation team will review your report shortly. Violence, hate, or exploitation Threats, hateful language, or sexual coercion Bullying or unwanted contact Harassment, intimidation, or persistent unwanted messages Scam, fraud, or impersonation Deceptive requests or claiming to be someone else False information Misleading claims or deliberate disinformation Submit ### Share Feedback Tell us what’s working (and what isn't) so we can keep improving. Submit ### Log in Enter the email you used to submit to Our Wave and we'll send you a magic link to access your profile. Send link Grounding activity Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud: 5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window) 4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?) 3 – things you can hear 2 – things you can smell 1 – thing you like about yourself. Take a deep breath to end. From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at. Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one). Take a deep breath to end. Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud: 1\. Where am I? 2\. What day of the week is today? 3\. What is today’s date? 4\. What is the current month? 5\. What is the current year? 6\. How old am I? 7\. What season is it? Take a deep breath to end. Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder. Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud. Take a deep breath to end. Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment. Take a deep breath to end. Try another grounding activity I feel grounded and ready