--- title: Should I tell my mom about her boyfriend assaulting my best friend if she didn't believe me when I told her about him assaulting me? ~ Our Wave Community description:

Thank you for being here. What you are carrying right now is a lot. You told your mom something true and painful about yourself and she did not believe... url: https://community.ourwave.org/en/answer/should-i-tell-my-mom-about-her-boyfriend-assaulting-my-best-friend-if-she-didnt-believe-me-when-i-told-her-about-him-assaulting-me-903.md --- {{customAnalyticsScripts}} [\[Image: Our Wave Logo\]\[Image: Our Wave Logo\]](/en/) [ Community ](/en/)[ Questions & Answers ](/en/learn)[ Find Support ](/en/resources) Share story Post a message 0 Users 0 Views 0 Reactions 0 Stories read ##### Need to take a break? 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Send it to us [NO MORE Silence, Speak Your Truth Community](https://stories.nomore.org) 🇺🇸 # Should I tell my mom about her boyfriend assaulting my best friend if she didn't believe me when I told her about him assaulting me? \[Image: Dr. Laura\] Answer by **Dr. Laura** PhD Mental Health Nurse & Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner Topics:[How to support survivors and be an ally](/en/learn?tags=how-to-support-survivors-and-be-an-ally) Thank you for being here. What you are carrying right now is a lot. You told your mom something true and painful about yourself and she did not believe you. Now you have information that directly affects someone you care about and you are trying to figure out whether it is even worth trying again. That is not a simple position to be in. Before I continue, I want to name that what happened to you was not made less real by her disbelief. Her response was a failure on her part, not evidence that your experience did not happen or did not matter. Disbelief from a parent (especially when the person being accused is their partner) is unfortunately common and it is also a form of harm in itself. Your nervous system registered all of that, and it makes complete sense that you are hesitant now. When you are thinking about whether to tell her about your best friend, a few things are worth sitting with. First, does your best friend know you are considering this? Their voice matters here. Disclosing someone else's assault without their knowledge, even with the best intentions, can take away their sense of control over their own story and for survivors, that sense of control is often one of the few things they can hold onto after something like this. If you have not already talked with your friend about what they want, start there. Second, if your friend does want you to say something, or if you believe they are in active danger, consider whether your mom is actually the right person to tell. Research on how adults respond to disclosures about their intimate partners shows a painful pattern that when someone has already made a choice to disbelieve in order to protect a relationship, a second disclosure often gets absorbed into that same protective denial, or it gets turned back on the people reporting. Telling a second person the same thing does not always change the outcome, sometimes it just extends the exposure. If your friend is in danger and needs protection, there may be other adults, school counselors, or reporting pathways that are more likely to actually result in something changing. You do not have to make your mom the gateway to safety for someone you love. Whatever you decide, you are not responsible for what this man has done, and you are not responsible for your mom's choices. Your job is not to fix this. It is to figure out what you and your friend need. If you want help thinking through what reporting options might actually be available, I am glad to walk through that with you. Thank you for trusting us with this. Random Question 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/should-i-tell-my-mom-about-her-boyfriend-assaulting-my-best-friend-if-she-didnt-believe-me-when-i-told-her-about-him-assaulting-me-903#comments) #### Just Checking... #### Discard Message? You have a comment in progress, are you sure you want to discard it? Cancel Discard ##### Similar community content Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Aenean commodo ligula eget dolor. Aenean massa. Cum sociis natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient montes, nascetur ridiculus mus. Donec quam felis, ultricies nec, pellentesque eu, pretium quis, sem. Nulla consequat massa quis enim. Donec pede justo, fringilla vel, aliquet nec, vulputate Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Aenean commodo ligula eget dolor. 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