---
title: My mom was sexually abused by a cousin for five years as a small child, and then raped by a stranger when she was a young teenager. This was the 1960s, so nothing was ever talked about and she never received any kind of counseling. She told me what happened when I was 12, and I have never stopped thinking about it. I'm 50 now and she's nearly 70. She has never processed the early abuse. She keeps the house spotless, puts on a good face, and is even still friendly with her abuser, acting like it's all behind her, but I can feel how much it's still vibrating underneath everything she does. I was never abused myself, my mom made sure of that, but a friend once pointed out that I still absorbed her fear and avoidance just from being raised by her, and that tracks with a lot of the behaviors I recognize in myself. Now my 18 year old daughter has experienced her own sexual trauma, and I feel like this pattern of fear has carried through three generations of women in my family. A few months ago my mom finally admitted she never dealt with her trauma and has been thinking about getting help, but she hasn't taken any steps. How do my daughter and I identify and break the cycle we inherited from her? And how do I encourage my mom without pressuring her? ~ Our Wave Community
description: <p>Thank you for trusting us with this. You're not imagining that thread running through three generations. It's real and you've clearly been paying attention...
url: https://community.ourwave.org/en/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939.md
---

{{customAnalyticsScripts}}

[\[Image: Our Wave Logo\]\[Image: Our Wave Logo\]](/en/)

[

Community

](/en/)[

Questions & Answers

](/en/learn)[

Find Support

](/en/resources)

Share story

Post a message

0

Users

0

Views

0

Reactions

0

Stories read

##### Need to take a break?

Try a grounding activity

For immediate help, visit {{resource}}

Show resources for

\[Image: Paraguay\]Paraguay

[\[Image: United States\]United States](/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939?country=us)[\[Image: Argentina\]Argentina](/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939?country=ar)[\[Image: Australia\]Australia](/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939?country=au)[\[Image: Bolivia\]Bolivia](/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939?country=bo)[\[Image: Canada\]Canada](/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939?country=ca)[\[Image: Chile\]Chile](/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939?country=cl)[\[Image: Colombia\]Colombia](/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939?country=co)[\[Image: Costa Rica\]Costa Rica](/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939?country=cr)[\[Image: Cuba\]Cuba](/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939?country=cu)[\[Image: Dominican Republic\]Dominican Republic](/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939?country=do)[\[Image: Ecuador\]Ecuador](/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939?country=ec)[\[Image: El Salvador\]El Salvador](/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939?country=sv)[\[Image: Equatorial Guinea\]Equatorial Guinea](/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939?country=gq)[\[Image: Guatemala\]Guatemala](/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939?country=gt)[\[Image: Honduras\]Honduras](/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939?country=hn)[\[Image: Ireland\]Ireland](/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939?country=ie)[\[Image: Japan\]Japan](/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939?country=jp)[\[Image: Mexico\]Mexico](/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939?country=mx)[\[Image: Nicaragua\]Nicaragua](/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939?country=ni)[\[Image: New Zealand\]New Zealand](/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939?country=nz)[\[Image: Panama\]Panama](/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939?country=pa)[\[Image: Peru\]Peru](/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939?country=pe)[\[Image: Puerto Rico\]Puerto Rico](/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939?country=pr)[\[Image: Spain\]Spain](/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939?country=es)[\[Image: United Kingdom\]United Kingdom](/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939?country=gb)[\[Image: Uruguay\]Uruguay](/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939?country=uy)[\[Image: Venezuela\]Venezuela](/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939?country=ve)

English

[English](/en/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939)[Español](/es/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939)[日本語](/ja/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939)

[

About Us

](https://www.ourwave.org/en/who-we-are)

Made with in Raleigh, NC

Read our [Community Guidelines](https://www.ourwave.org/en/community-guidelines), [Privacy Policy](https://www.ourwave.org/en/privacy), and [Terms](https://www.ourwave.org/en/terms)

Have feedback? Send it to us

🇺🇸

# My mom was sexually abused by a cousin for five years as a small child, and then raped by a stranger when she was a young teenager. This was the 1960s, so nothing was ever talked about and she never received any kind of counseling. She told me what happened when I was 12, and I have never stopped thinking about it. I'm 50 now and she's nearly 70. She has never processed the early abuse. She keeps the house spotless, puts on a good face, and is even still friendly with her abuser, acting like it's all behind her, but I can feel how much it's still vibrating underneath everything she does. I was never abused myself, my mom made sure of that, but a friend once pointed out that I still absorbed her fear and avoidance just from being raised by her, and that tracks with a lot of the behaviors I recognize in myself. Now my 18 year old daughter has experienced her own sexual trauma, and I feel like this pattern of fear has carried through three generations of women in my family. A few months ago my mom finally admitted she never dealt with her trauma and has been thinking about getting help, but she hasn't taken any steps. How do my daughter and I identify and break the cycle we inherited from her? And how do I encourage my mom without pressuring her?

\[Image: Dr. Laura\]

Answer by **Dr. Laura**

PhD Mental Health Nurse & Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner

Topics:[How to support survivors and be an ally](/en/learn?tags=how-to-support-survivors-and-be-an-ally)

Thank you for trusting us with this. You're not imagining that thread running through three generations. It's real and you've clearly been paying attention to it for a long time.

Trauma that never gets processed doesn't just sit quietly somewhere. It reorganizes a person from the inside, changes how they hold their body, how they relate to people, how their nervous system reads danger years after the actual danger is gone. Your mom's scrubbing, her composure, her staying friendly with the person who hurt her, all of that is survival. It's a structure she built decades ago with zero support and no language for what happened to her, and it's been holding her together ever since. You picked up on the vibration underneath it because kids are wired to notice what their parents can't say out loud. This is what researchers mean by intergenerational transmission. A parent doesn't have to abuse a child to pass trauma down. Her hypervigilance, her silence, her habit of smoothing things over instead of confronting them, you absorbed all of that just by growing up next to her. What you're seeing in yourself isn't a character flaw. It's an adaptation that made sense for her and got handed to you before you had any say in it.

Naming this pattern out loud is already a real break from what your mom had. From here, find a trauma-informed therapist, ideally someone who also understands family systems, how patterns travel through a family instead of staying with one person. [EMDR](https://www.simplepractice.com/blog/emdr-therapy/?g_campaignid=19638552931&g_keywordid=&g_acctid=419-488-5451&g_adid=&g_network=x&g_campaign=PMAX+%7C+Features+%7C+All+In+One+%7C+Exploration&g_adtype=none&g_adgroupid=&g_keyword=&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&network=x&utm_campaign=PMAX_Features_EHR&utm_term=&device=c&matchtype=&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=19638566590&gbraid=0AAAAADqOPoOdisFhIQkCb9mzEvCCXbaz3&gclid=CjwKCAjw6rfSBhAqEiwA_yocpvAE7PTRxuNNeDwNUoXK6KQcqS_e2QGyVhVyy0hxlfThFI0Zz-3A5xoC5moQAvD_BwE) can help a nervous system finally process material that's been stuck for years. [IFS](https://www.simplepractice.com/blog/internal-family-systems-model/?g_campaignid=19638552931&g_keywordid=&g_acctid=419-488-5451&g_adid=&g_network=x&g_campaign=PMAX+%7C+Features+%7C+All+In+One+%7C+Exploration&g_adtype=none&g_adgroupid=&g_keyword=&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&network=x&utm_campaign=PMAX_Features_EHR&utm_term=&device=c&matchtype=&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=19638566590&gbraid=0AAAAADqOPoOdisFhIQkCb9mzEvCCXbaz3&gclid=CjwKCAjw6rfSBhAqEiwA_yocpt-wjg1E10LjpuJUb9ettJHu55K27k21BObVntPJyvbOfly3T39OkRoCn4EQAvD_BwE), or Internal Family Systems, is particularly good for sorting out which fears are actually yours and which ones you picked up from her. Your daughter is carrying her own trauma on top of this inherited layer, so a therapist who works specifically with young adult survivors would help her see both threads clearly instead of blaming herself for either one.

You can't do your mom's healing for her, and trying will probably cost you more than it gives her. Her telling you she never dealt with it, even without any action after, was still a real moment. Sixty years of not looking at something doesn't turn around on a visible timeline. Something like, "I know it's been on your mind, I'd help you find someone whenever you're ready," keeps the door open without pushing her through it. It's worth mentioning to her that some therapists specialize in trauma from decades ago specifically. Psychology Today's [therapist finder](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists?_gl=1*1cc8933*_up*MQ..*_gs*MQ..&gclid=CjwKCAjw6rfSBhAqEiwA_yocpnzlBjIFOvO5FycgstO2tfnJQAyqNioMXK7G2sLB4ap_l7wpJ7UmMhoC0YAQAvD_BwE&gbraid=0AAAAAD_gfuyI7hiDUal9SYHFT56lFZgOq) lets any of you search by that.

Your mom carried this alone for most of her life with no one to help her hold it. You didn't do that. You named it, you asked the hard question, and you're already trying to give your daughter something different. It won't happen all at once, but you acknowledging it and seeking help accordingly is an important first step. Thanks again for reaching out.

Random Question

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939#comments)

### Discard message?

You have a comment in progress, are you sure you want to discard it?

Cancel

Discard

##### Similar community content

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Aenean commodo ligula eget dolor. Aenean massa. Cum sociis natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient montes, nascetur ridiculus mus. Donec quam felis, ultricies nec, pellentesque eu, pretium quis, sem. Nulla consequat massa quis enim. Donec pede justo, fringilla vel, aliquet nec, vulputate

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Aenean commodo ligula eget dolor. Aenean massa. Cum sociis natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient montes, nascetur ridiculus mus. Donec quam felis, ultricies nec, pellentesque eu, pretium quis, sem. Nulla consequat massa quis enim. Donec pede justo, fringilla vel, aliquet nec, vulputate

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Aenean commodo ligula eget dolor. Aenean massa. Cum sociis natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient montes, nascetur ridiculus mus. Donec quam felis, ultricies nec, pellentesque eu, pretium quis, sem. Nulla consequat massa quis enim. Donec pede justo, fringilla vel, aliquet nec, vulputate

0

Users

0

Views

0

Reactions

0

Stories read

##### Need to take a break?

Try a grounding activity

For immediate help, visit {{resource}}

Show resources for

\[Image: Paraguay\]Paraguay

[\[Image: United States\]United States](/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939?country=us)[\[Image: Argentina\]Argentina](/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939?country=ar)[\[Image: Australia\]Australia](/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939?country=au)[\[Image: Bolivia\]Bolivia](/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939?country=bo)[\[Image: Canada\]Canada](/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939?country=ca)[\[Image: Chile\]Chile](/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939?country=cl)[\[Image: Colombia\]Colombia](/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939?country=co)[\[Image: Costa Rica\]Costa Rica](/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939?country=cr)[\[Image: Cuba\]Cuba](/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939?country=cu)[\[Image: Dominican Republic\]Dominican Republic](/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939?country=do)[\[Image: Ecuador\]Ecuador](/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939?country=ec)[\[Image: El Salvador\]El Salvador](/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939?country=sv)[\[Image: Equatorial Guinea\]Equatorial Guinea](/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939?country=gq)[\[Image: Guatemala\]Guatemala](/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939?country=gt)[\[Image: Honduras\]Honduras](/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939?country=hn)[\[Image: Ireland\]Ireland](/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939?country=ie)[\[Image: Japan\]Japan](/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939?country=jp)[\[Image: Mexico\]Mexico](/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939?country=mx)[\[Image: Nicaragua\]Nicaragua](/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939?country=ni)[\[Image: New Zealand\]New Zealand](/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939?country=nz)[\[Image: Panama\]Panama](/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939?country=pa)[\[Image: Peru\]Peru](/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939?country=pe)[\[Image: Puerto Rico\]Puerto Rico](/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939?country=pr)[\[Image: Spain\]Spain](/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939?country=es)[\[Image: United Kingdom\]United Kingdom](/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939?country=gb)[\[Image: Uruguay\]Uruguay](/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939?country=uy)[\[Image: Venezuela\]Venezuela](/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939?country=ve)

English

[English](/en/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939)[Español](/es/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939)[日本語](/ja/answer/my-mom-was-sexually-abused-by-a-cousin-for-5-years-when-she-was-a-very-small-child-and-then-was-raped-by-a-stranger-as-a-very-young-teenager-my-grandparents-did-the-best-they-knew-how-to-get-her-to-sa-939)

For immediate help, visit {{resource}}

Made with in Raleigh, NC

|

Read our [Community Guidelines](https://www.ourwave.org/en/community-guidelines), [Privacy Policy](https://www.ourwave.org/en/privacy), and [Terms](https://www.ourwave.org/en/terms)

|

[

#### Resources

](/en/resources)

### Post a Message

Share a message of support with the community.

Continue

We will send you an email as soon as your message is posted, as well as send helpful resources and support.

Post

Please adhere to our [Community Guidelines](https://www.ourwave.org/en/community-guidelines) to help us keep Our Wave a safe space. All messages will be reviewed and identifying information removed before they are posted.

### Ask a Question

Ask a question about survivorship or supporting survivors.

Continue

We will send you an email as soon as your question is answered, as well as send helpful resources and support.

Submit

### How can we help?

Tell us why you are reporting this content. Our moderation team will review your report shortly.

Violence, hate, or exploitation

Threats, hateful language, or sexual coercion

Bullying or unwanted contact

Harassment, intimidation, or persistent unwanted messages

Scam, fraud, or impersonation

Deceptive requests or claiming to be someone else

False information

Misleading claims or deliberate disinformation

Submit

### Share Feedback

Tell us what’s working (and what isn't) so we can keep improving.

Submit

### Log in

Enter the email you used to submit to Our Wave and we'll send you a magic link to access your profile.

Send link

Grounding activity

Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud:

5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window)

4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?)

3 – things you can hear

2 – things you can smell

1 – thing you like about yourself.

Take a deep breath to end.

From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at.

Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one).

Take a deep breath to end.

Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud:

1\. Where am I?

2\. What day of the week is today?

3\. What is today’s date?

4\. What is the current month?

5\. What is the current year?

6\. How old am I?

7\. What season is it?

Take a deep breath to end.

Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder.

Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud.

Take a deep breath to end.

Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment.

Take a deep breath to end.

Try another grounding activity

I feel grounded and ready