--- title: My ex-boyfriend expressed having a 'rape kink' and would sometimes refuse to leave my house. There were several concerning incidents: he once picked me up and threw me onto my bed, another time he pushed me face down onto my mattress and briefly put his hands on my neck. He also sometimes continued with physical contact (kissing, touching my breasts) after I said no. I never yelled or physically fought back during the more intimidating incidents. I'm having trouble classifying these experiences and feel guilty for not responding differently. I still feel bothered by these events months later but worry about sharing them with others in case they sound trivial. How should I understand what happened to me? ~ Our Wave Community description:

Thank you for sharing your experience. Your feelings matter deeply. What you've described sounds distressing, and it's entirely natural that these... url: https://community.ourwave.org/en/answer/my-ex-boyfriend-expressed-having-a-rape-kink-and-would-sometimes-refuse-to-leave-my-house-there-were-several-concerning-incidents-he-once-picked-me-up-and-threw-me-onto-my-bed-another-time-he-pushed-m.md --- {{customAnalyticsScripts}} [\[Image: Our Wave Logo\]\[Image: Our Wave Logo\]](/en/) [ Community ](/en/)[ Questions & Answers ](/en/learn)[ Find Support ](/en/resources) Share story Post a message 0 Users 0 Views 0 Reactions 0 Stories read ##### Need to take a break? 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Send it to us 🇺🇸 # My ex-boyfriend expressed having a 'rape kink' and would sometimes refuse to leave my house. There were several concerning incidents: he once picked me up and threw me onto my bed, another time he pushed me face down onto my mattress and briefly put his hands on my neck. He also sometimes continued with physical contact (kissing, touching my breasts) after I said no. I never yelled or physically fought back during the more intimidating incidents. I'm having trouble classifying these experiences and feel guilty for not responding differently. I still feel bothered by these events months later but worry about sharing them with others in case they sound trivial. How should I understand what happened to me? \[Image: Dr. Laura\] Answer by **Dr. Laura** PhD Mental Health Nurse & Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner Topics:[Making sense of adult experiences](/en/learn?tags=making-sense-of-adult-experiences) Thank you for sharing your experience. Your feelings matter deeply. What you've described sounds distressing, and it's entirely natural that these experiences continue to affect you. Your boyfriend's actions crossed important boundaries. Telling you that he wanted to assault you and mentioning a rape kink without your enthusiastic consent is deeply concerning. Consent and mutual agreement are essential in any relationship, especially when it comes to sensitive topics like sexual preferences. His refusal to leave your house without a struggle, physically overpowering you by throwing you onto your bed, and pushing you face down onto the mattress are all behaviors that can make someone feel unsafe and disrespected. While kink interests themselves, including power dynamics or role play, are completely valid forms of sexual expression when practiced ethically, the key difference is that ethical kink requires enthusiastic consent, clear communication, established boundaries, and mutual respect. Mentioning desires around assault or a "rape kink" without prior negotiation, safety discussions, and your full, enthusiastic participation violates these principles of ethical kink practice. The pattern of boundary violations you experienced—refusing to leave your home, physically handling you against your will, continuing physical contact after you said no—are concerning regardless of context. In healthy kink relationships, partners establish clear boundaries beforehand, use safe words, check in frequently, and immediately stop when consent is withdrawn or unclear. Power exchanges are carefully negotiated and can be ended by either person at any time. What you described lacks these crucial elements of safety and respect. Please know that your reaction—not physically fighting back—is an absolutely normal response. Our bodies have evolved several protective responses to threatening situations: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. Many people experience a freeze response during boundary violations, especially with someone they know. This is your nervous system trying to protect you, not a failure on your part. The distress you continue to feel is meaningful. Our bodies often sense violations even when our minds struggle to categorize them. There's no minimum threshold of harm you need to meet to validate your feelings—what matters is acknowledging the real impact these experiences had on you. Many survivors find great comfort in speaking with advocates who understand both trauma and the nuances of consensual power dynamics. They can offer a judgment-free space to process your feelings without questioning whether your experiences "count" or matter. Your healing journey deserves support, and reaching out is an act of self-compassion. Remember that your experiences are valid, your reactions were normal, and healing is possible at your own pace. Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not alone. 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Name the following out loud: 5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window) 4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?) 3 – things you can hear 2 – things you can smell 1 – thing you like about yourself. Take a deep breath to end. From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at. Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one). Take a deep breath to end. Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud: 1\. Where am I? 2\. What day of the week is today? 3\. What is today’s date? 4\. What is the current month? 5\. What is the current year? 6\. How old am I? 7\. What season is it? Take a deep breath to end. Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder. Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud. Take a deep breath to end. Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment. Take a deep breath to end. Try another grounding activity I feel grounded and ready