--- title: I've been having memories resurface about sexual... ~ Our Wave Community description: I'm really sorry to hear how unsettling these memories have become for you, and I want to acknowledge how brave it is to share something that feels so private... url: https://community.ourwave.org/en/answer/ive-been-having-memories-resurface-about-sexual-activities-with-my-older-cousin-when-i-was-young-and-im-trying-to-understand-if-this-was-cocsa-the-experiences-started-before-i-was-9-my-cousin-who-is-t.md --- {{customAnalyticsScripts}} [\[Image: Our Wave Logo\]\[Image: Our Wave Logo\]](/en/) [ Community ](/en/)[ Questions & Answers ](/en/learn)[ Find Support ](/en/resources) Share story Post a message 0 Users 0 Views 0 Reactions 0 Stories read ##### Need to take a break? 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Send it to us 🇺🇸 # I've been having memories resurface about sexual activities with my older cousin when I was young, and I'm trying to understand if this was COCSA. The experiences started before I was 9 - my cousin, who is three years older, would ask me to touch him sexually. I remember feeling hesitant and uncomfortable at first. We also had games where we'd expose ourselves to each other and touch ourselves and each other. He showed me what penetration was, and while there was genital contact, I don't think penetration happened. Keeping it secret was part of the "game," and I was terrified of being caught. After the first hesitant times, I became less afraid of the activities themselves and more afraid of being discovered. The activities stopped when we got older and saw each other less often. I still have a good relationship with my cousin and don't think he remembers. I'm struggling to understand whether this was just exploration or something harmful, especially since I have a history of being groomed and my family has a habit of reacting to things in a way that does not help and sometimes traumatizes me. I'm also not sure if my distress comes more from fear of discovery or from the experiences themselves. \[Image: Dr. Laura\] Answer by **Dr. Laura** PhD Mental Health Nurse & Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner Topics:[Making sense of childhood experiences](/en/learn?tags=making-sense-of-childhood-experiences) I'm really sorry to hear how unsettling these memories have become for you, and I want to acknowledge how brave it is to share something that feels so private and confusing. What you're describing seems to contain elements that distinguish it from typical childhood sexual exploration, and it makes complete sense that you're struggling to categorize these experiences. When sexual behaviors involve children who are exploring bodies and boundaries, it can often leave people wondering if what they experienced "counts" as abuse or if it was simply childhood curiosity. The truth is that even when children are close in age, if one child feels coerced, uncomfortable, or pressured into sexual acts, it can be considered a form of [child-on-child sexual abuse](https://community.ourwave.org/_external/link?url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.ourwave.org%2Fen%2Fpost%2Fchild-on-child-sexual-abuse-cocsa-frequently-asked-questions-and-considerations%3Fid%3Dchild-on-child-sexual-abuse-cocsa-frequently-asked-questions-and-considerations&resourceId=non_specific&localeId=en&countryId=us&src=answer&questionId=628fe34c-f502-4777-9d67-4b88566fe8aa&sig=4c4ca887deef844adc064a8adc3fe4d27e3b77393d5cb05353cc5b8e7261af48). In healthy childhood exploration, children are typically close in age and developmental stage, activities are mutual and spontaneous rather than directed by one child, and either child can stop without pressure. What you're describing sounds a little different. Your cousin initiated and directed sexual activities, you felt uncomfortable and hesitant, and there seems to be an element of coercion even if it wasn't violent or explicitly threatening. The age difference and the repeated nature of what happened point to a dynamic where you were in a more vulnerable position, even if at times it felt like participation. The fact that he was teaching you about penetration and demonstrating it suggests knowledge and intent beyond what would be developmentally typical for his age, which raises questions about where he may have learned these behaviors. Children simply don't have the developmental ability to consent the way adults can, which means it wasn't only harmless exploration if one child felt hesitant or scared. The secrecy, fear of getting caught, and sense of dread you remember are strong signals that your boundaries were being crossed, whether you understood it then or not. Your question about whether you became less afraid of the acts themselves and more afraid of being caught is really insightful. This shift doesn't mean the experiences were okay or that they weren't harmful. Many children in these situations adapt to protect themselves emotionally, and fear of discovery can actually be fear of the consequences you'd face for something that wasn't your responsibility. The secrecy being framed as part of the "game" is particularly concerning because it placed the burden of concealment on you when you were too young to understand what was happening or to consent to it. These uncertainties often reflect how children process trauma: they rarely know what is right or wrong in the moment when someone they trust initiates sexual behavior, but they do sense something is off, which can settle in as fear and anxiety. The confusion you feel is shared by many survivors of child-on-child sexual abuse, especially when you still have a good relationship with the family member involved. It's not unusual to feel unsettled by these memories while also caring for your cousin. The fact that these memories have haunted you, that you spent years hoping you'd dreamed them up, and that they're now interfering with your daily life all suggest these experiences affected you significantly. Trauma isn't determined by whether something fits a specific definition but by how it impacted you. Your body and mind are telling you that something about these experiences wasn't right, and that deserves acknowledgment and care. It's also completely understandable that you're uncertain about your feelings, especially given your history of being groomed. These factors can make it harder to trust your own perceptions of what happened. You don't need to have perfect clarity about every aspect of these experiences to deserve support. Whether your distress stems from the acts themselves, the fear surrounding them, or both, your feelings are valid and the impact is real. It sounds like you've done what many of us do by pushing these experiences away for a long time, hoping they might fade. Now that the memories are coming back, it's understandable to feel haunted and worried about how others might react if they knew. You don't have to confront your cousin or disclose to family members who might respond poorly. Healing can happen through working with a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in childhood sexual experiences and child-on-child sexual abuse, even without confrontation or family involvement. If you're comfortable doing so, talking with a professional could offer a private space to untangle what happened, understand how it affects you now, and guide you through the complexity of still caring about your cousin. A supportive professional can also help you develop ways to cope with the intrusive thoughts and decide if and how you want to communicate about it moving forward. Many survivors find that talking with someone who understands these complex dynamics helps them process their feelings and reduce the power these memories have over them. What happened to you still matters, even years later, and those fearful or uncomfortable feelings weren't simply a misunderstanding—you were responding the best way you knew how. You didn't do anything wrong by being a child caught in a situation you weren't equipped to handle. You deserve kindness as you continue to sort through this. Healing often involves hearing that what you endured was real and that your feelings and memories are important, no matter how much time has passed. You deserve to find peace, clarity, and a sense of closure that honors both your fears and your experiences. Random Question 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 1 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/ive-been-having-memories-resurface-about-sexual-activities-with-my-older-cousin-when-i-was-young-and-im-trying-to-understand-if-this-was-cocsa-the-experiences-started-before-i-was-9-my-cousin-who-is-t#comments) ### Discard message? You have a comment in progress, are you sure you want to discard it? Cancel Discard ##### Similar community content Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Aenean commodo ligula eget dolor. Aenean massa. Cum sociis natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient montes, nascetur ridiculus mus. Donec quam felis, ultricies nec, pellentesque eu, pretium quis, sem. Nulla consequat massa quis enim. 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Name the following out loud: 5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window) 4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?) 3 – things you can hear 2 – things you can smell 1 – thing you like about yourself. Take a deep breath to end. From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at. Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one). Take a deep breath to end. Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud: 1\. Where am I? 2\. What day of the week is today? 3\. What is today’s date? 4\. What is the current month? 5\. What is the current year? 6\. How old am I? 7\. What season is it? Take a deep breath to end. Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder. Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud. Take a deep breath to end. Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment. Take a deep breath to end. Try another grounding activity I feel grounded and ready