--- title: Me and another 13-year-old were hanging out after school like we usually did. He asked me if I wanted to do "stuff," and I hesitated at first before saying yes. I've never told anyone. Does saying yes mean it wasn't COCSA? ~ Our Wave Community description:

Thank you for trusting us with this. To answer your question directly, saying yes does not automatically close the question of whether this experience was... url: https://community.ourwave.org/en/answer/is-it-still-cocsa-if-i-said-yes-both-me-and-him-were-13-and-at-the-time-i-had-only-been-13-for-about-a-month-me-and-him-were-hanging-out-after-school-as-usual-and-he-asked-me-if-i-wanted-to-do-stuff-a-929.md --- {{customAnalyticsScripts}} [\[Image: Our Wave Logo\]\[Image: Our Wave Logo\]](/en/) [ Community ](/en/)[ Questions & Answers ](/en/learn)[ Find Support ](/en/resources) Share story Post a message 0 Users 0 Views 0 Reactions 0 Stories read ##### Need to take a break? 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Send it to us 🇺🇸 # Me and another 13-year-old were hanging out after school like we usually did. He asked me if I wanted to do "stuff," and I hesitated at first before saying yes. I've never told anyone. Does saying yes mean it wasn't COCSA? \[Image: Dr. Laura\] Answer by **Dr. Laura** PhD Mental Health Nurse & Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner Topics:[Making sense of childhood experiences](/en/learn?tags=making-sense-of-childhood-experiences) Thank you for trusting us with this. To answer your question directly, saying yes does not automatically close the question of whether this experience was fully consensual or whether it left a mark on you. But I also want to be honest with you that what you've described sits in genuinely complex territory, and only you can decide what language, if any, feels right for your own experience. Here is what we know about consent, even between peers the same age. Consent isn't just the absence of a "no," and it isn't just the presence of a "yes." Real consent is freely given, meaning it comes from a place of genuine understanding and comfort, with the real ability to say no without consequences. You mentioned hesitating before you said yes. That hesitation is worth paying attention to. It's your mind and body signaling that something felt uncertain. A hesitant yes from someone who had just turned 13 is not the same as a freely given, informed agreement. Age also matters in ways people don't always expect. At 13, the brain is still developing, particularly the parts responsible for weighing consequences, recognizing social pressure, and understanding your own feelings in the moment. Research in adolescent neuroscience is consistent on this. Young teenagers are not yet fully equipped to navigate the weight of sexual decisions, even with a peer the same age. At the same time, it's worth holding that the other person was also 13, also still developing, and likely not acting from a place of malice. Peer sexual curiosity at this age is a real thing, and not every experience between young people of similar ages constitutes abuse. What matters more than any label is how the experience actually landed for you. The confusion you're sitting with now is completely normal. Many people who had sexual contact during adolescence spend years questioning whether what happened "counts," especially when they said yes and no force was involved. The questioning itself is not a sign that nothing happened. It often means something did register as significant, and your mind is still working through it. What is worth sitting with is how you actually feel about it. Does it sit uncomfortably with you? Have you found yourself thinking about it more than you expected? Has it affected how you feel about yourself, or about being close to people? Those feelings deserve to be taken seriously regardless of what you call the experience, or whether you call it anything at all. You also mentioned you haven't told anyone. Silence can feel protective, and it can also get heavy over time. You don't have to have everything figured out before you talk to someone. You can bring exactly the uncertainty you brought here. If you have access to a school counselor or therapist, even one conversation framed as "something confusing happened and I'm trying to make sense of it" is enough to start. Thank you again for reaching out to us. You are not alone. Random Question 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/is-it-still-cocsa-if-i-said-yes-both-me-and-him-were-13-and-at-the-time-i-had-only-been-13-for-about-a-month-me-and-him-were-hanging-out-after-school-as-usual-and-he-asked-me-if-i-wanted-to-do-stuff-a-929#comments) ### Discard message? You have a comment in progress, are you sure you want to discard it? Cancel Discard ##### Similar community content Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Aenean commodo ligula eget dolor. 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Japan\]Japan](/answer/is-it-still-cocsa-if-i-said-yes-both-me-and-him-were-13-and-at-the-time-i-had-only-been-13-for-about-a-month-me-and-him-were-hanging-out-after-school-as-usual-and-he-asked-me-if-i-wanted-to-do-stuff-a-929?country=jp)[\[Image: Mexico\]Mexico](/answer/is-it-still-cocsa-if-i-said-yes-both-me-and-him-were-13-and-at-the-time-i-had-only-been-13-for-about-a-month-me-and-him-were-hanging-out-after-school-as-usual-and-he-asked-me-if-i-wanted-to-do-stuff-a-929?country=mx)[\[Image: Nicaragua\]Nicaragua](/answer/is-it-still-cocsa-if-i-said-yes-both-me-and-him-were-13-and-at-the-time-i-had-only-been-13-for-about-a-month-me-and-him-were-hanging-out-after-school-as-usual-and-he-asked-me-if-i-wanted-to-do-stuff-a-929?country=ni)[\[Image: New Zealand\]New Zealand](/answer/is-it-still-cocsa-if-i-said-yes-both-me-and-him-were-13-and-at-the-time-i-had-only-been-13-for-about-a-month-me-and-him-were-hanging-out-after-school-as-usual-and-he-asked-me-if-i-wanted-to-do-stuff-a-929?country=nz)[\[Image: Panama\]Panama](/answer/is-it-still-cocsa-if-i-said-yes-both-me-and-him-were-13-and-at-the-time-i-had-only-been-13-for-about-a-month-me-and-him-were-hanging-out-after-school-as-usual-and-he-asked-me-if-i-wanted-to-do-stuff-a-929?country=pa)[\[Image: Paraguay\]Paraguay](/answer/is-it-still-cocsa-if-i-said-yes-both-me-and-him-were-13-and-at-the-time-i-had-only-been-13-for-about-a-month-me-and-him-were-hanging-out-after-school-as-usual-and-he-asked-me-if-i-wanted-to-do-stuff-a-929?country=py)[\[Image: Peru\]Peru](/answer/is-it-still-cocsa-if-i-said-yes-both-me-and-him-were-13-and-at-the-time-i-had-only-been-13-for-about-a-month-me-and-him-were-hanging-out-after-school-as-usual-and-he-asked-me-if-i-wanted-to-do-stuff-a-929?country=pe)[\[Image: Puerto Rico\]Puerto Rico](/answer/is-it-still-cocsa-if-i-said-yes-both-me-and-him-were-13-and-at-the-time-i-had-only-been-13-for-about-a-month-me-and-him-were-hanging-out-after-school-as-usual-and-he-asked-me-if-i-wanted-to-do-stuff-a-929?country=pr)[\[Image: Spain\]Spain](/answer/is-it-still-cocsa-if-i-said-yes-both-me-and-him-were-13-and-at-the-time-i-had-only-been-13-for-about-a-month-me-and-him-were-hanging-out-after-school-as-usual-and-he-asked-me-if-i-wanted-to-do-stuff-a-929?country=es)[\[Image: United Kingdom\]United Kingdom](/answer/is-it-still-cocsa-if-i-said-yes-both-me-and-him-were-13-and-at-the-time-i-had-only-been-13-for-about-a-month-me-and-him-were-hanging-out-after-school-as-usual-and-he-asked-me-if-i-wanted-to-do-stuff-a-929?country=gb)[\[Image: Uruguay\]Uruguay](/answer/is-it-still-cocsa-if-i-said-yes-both-me-and-him-were-13-and-at-the-time-i-had-only-been-13-for-about-a-month-me-and-him-were-hanging-out-after-school-as-usual-and-he-asked-me-if-i-wanted-to-do-stuff-a-929?country=uy)[\[Image: Venezuela\]Venezuela](/answer/is-it-still-cocsa-if-i-said-yes-both-me-and-him-were-13-and-at-the-time-i-had-only-been-13-for-about-a-month-me-and-him-were-hanging-out-after-school-as-usual-and-he-asked-me-if-i-wanted-to-do-stuff-a-929?country=ve) English [English](/en/answer/is-it-still-cocsa-if-i-said-yes-both-me-and-him-were-13-and-at-the-time-i-had-only-been-13-for-about-a-month-me-and-him-were-hanging-out-after-school-as-usual-and-he-asked-me-if-i-wanted-to-do-stuff-a-929)[Español](/es/answer/is-it-still-cocsa-if-i-said-yes-both-me-and-him-were-13-and-at-the-time-i-had-only-been-13-for-about-a-month-me-and-him-were-hanging-out-after-school-as-usual-and-he-asked-me-if-i-wanted-to-do-stuff-a-929)[日本語](/ja/answer/is-it-still-cocsa-if-i-said-yes-both-me-and-him-were-13-and-at-the-time-i-had-only-been-13-for-about-a-month-me-and-him-were-hanging-out-after-school-as-usual-and-he-asked-me-if-i-wanted-to-do-stuff-a-929) For immediate help, visit {{resource}} Made with in Raleigh, NC | Read our [Community Guidelines](https://www.ourwave.org/en/community-guidelines), [Privacy Policy](https://www.ourwave.org/en/privacy), and [Terms](https://www.ourwave.org/en/terms) | [ #### Resources ](/en/resources) ### Post a Message Share a message of 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Continue We will send you an email as soon as your message is posted, as well as send helpful resources and support. Post Please adhere to our [Community Guidelines](https://www.ourwave.org/en/community-guidelines) to help us keep Our Wave a safe space. All messages will be reviewed and identifying information removed before they are posted. ### Ask a Question Ask a question about survivorship or supporting survivors. Continue We will send you an email as soon as your question is answered, as well as send helpful resources and support. Submit ### How can we help? Tell us why you are reporting this content. Our moderation team will review your report shortly. Violence, hate, or exploitation Threats, hateful language, or sexual coercion Bullying or unwanted contact Harassment, intimidation, or persistent unwanted messages Scam, fraud, or impersonation Deceptive requests or claiming to be someone else False information Misleading claims or deliberate disinformation Submit ### Share Feedback Tell us what’s working (and what isn't) so we can keep improving. Submit ### Log in Enter the email you used to submit to Our Wave and we'll send you a magic link to access your profile. Send link Grounding activity Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud: 5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window) 4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?) 3 – things you can hear 2 – things you can smell 1 – thing you like about yourself. Take a deep breath to end. From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at. Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one). Take a deep breath to end. Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud: 1\. Where am I? 2\. What day of the week is today? 3\. What is today’s date? 4\. What is the current month? 5\. What is the current year? 6\. How old am I? 7\. What season is it? Take a deep breath to end. Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder. Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud. Take a deep breath to end. Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment. Take a deep breath to end. Try another grounding activity I feel grounded and ready