--- title: I'm struggling with feelings of guilt and self-blame about my past relationship. While I recognize my ex did some questionable things, I feel responsible for staying and for not being more explicit about my boundaries. I had mentioned being open to sex at one point (though we never had it), and I worry that confused him and led to his behavior. I feel manipulative for "leading him on," and when I talk to others, they ask why I didn't just leave. Am I a bad person? ~ Our Wave Community description:

Thank you so much for trusting us with this. You are absolutely not a bad person. It is understandable to feel this wave of self-doubt, questioning whether... url: https://community.ourwave.org/en/answer/im-struggling-with-feelings-of-guilt-and-self-blame-about-my-past-relationship-while-i-recognize-my-ex-did-some-questionable-things-i-feel-responsible-for-staying-and-for-not-being-more-explicit-about.md --- {{customAnalyticsScripts}} [\[Image: Our Wave Logo\]\[Image: Our Wave Logo\]](/en/) [ Community ](/en/)[ Questions & Answers ](/en/learn)[ Find Support ](/en/resources) Share story Post a message 0 Users 0 Views 0 Reactions 0 Stories read ##### Need to take a break? 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Send it to us 🇺🇸 # I'm struggling with feelings of guilt and self-blame about my past relationship. While I recognize my ex did some questionable things, I feel responsible for staying and for not being more explicit about my boundaries. I had mentioned being open to sex at one point (though we never had it), and I worry that confused him and led to his behavior. I feel manipulative for "leading him on," and when I talk to others, they ask why I didn't just leave. Am I a bad person? \[Image: Dr. Laura\] Answer by **Dr. Laura** PhD Mental Health Nurse & Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner Topics:[Making sense of adult experiences](/en/learn?tags=making-sense-of-adult-experiences) Thank you so much for trusting us with this. You are absolutely not a bad person. It is understandable to feel this wave of self-doubt, questioning whether you somehow caused or contributed to your ex's actions. The feelings you're describing are incredibly common responses to experiencing harm in a relationship, and they don't reflect who you are as a person. They reflect how difficult and complex these situations truly are. You used the word "questionable" to describe some of the things your ex did, and I want you to know that your instinct matters here. While you haven't shared the specific details of what happened, if something felt questionable to you (e.g. if it made you uncomfortable, confused, or unsure) that feeling is worth trusting. Sometimes we minimize our own experiences or second-guess ourselves, especially when we care about someone or feel conflicted about the relationship. But your gut reaction is telling you something important, and you don't need to have all the answers or the "right" words to describe it for your feelings to be valid. You are not a bad person for staying with him or for feeling unsure about how to communicate your boundaries. Relationships can be filled with hope and confusion at the same time, especially when you care about someone and genuinely believe they can change or respect you if you just explain things better. The fact that you remained in the relationship does not make you responsible for someone else's decision to act in a way that hurt you. Many of us want to see the best in our partners, fear conflict, or worry that leaving might cause more harm than staying. None of these reasons reflect poorly on you. They reflect the complexity of human relationships. You cared enough to give him space to respect your boundaries, and he chose not to. That is not your fault. Expressing openness to something at one point doesn't give anyone permission to cross your boundaries or do things that felt wrong to you at a later point. Consent and healthy boundaries involve ongoing communication, but even if you felt uncertain, that does not excuse how he treated you. Consent isn't a blanket statement that covers all future interactions. It's an ongoing conversation that can change at any moment. It's natural to wonder if you gave mixed signals or "led him on," yet the responsibility lies with him to honor your comfort level, rather than assume unlimited permission because of one conversation about sex. You are allowed to explore your feelings without it meaning you deserve mistreatment. Feeling uncertain or not knowing how to say no in the moment does not mean you invited whatever followed. When people ask why you didn't leave, they are simplifying a very real emotional dynamic. The question "why didn't you just leave?" ignores the reality that leaving is often far more complicated than it appears from the outside, and it unfairly places responsibility on you rather than on the person who caused harm. You mentioned worrying that you were manipulative or that you led him on. Changing your mind, having mixed feelings, or being uncertain about what you want are all completely normal human experiences-- they're not manipulation. Manipulation involves intentionally deceiving or controlling someone for your own benefit. Navigating your own feelings and boundaries, even imperfectly, is not the same thing. What you're experiencing sounds much more like the painful aftermath of a confusing and harmful relationship, combined with the unfair judgments of others who may not understand trauma responses. You have every right to put your own well-being first and to find support where you feel valued and respected. You deserve kindness and compassion. From others and from yourself. You are not alone, and you do not deserve to carry guilt for someone else's choices. 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Violence, hate, or exploitation Threats, hateful language, or sexual coercion Bullying or unwanted contact Harassment, intimidation, or persistent unwanted messages Scam, fraud, or impersonation Deceptive requests or claiming to be someone else False information Misleading claims or deliberate disinformation Submit ### Share Feedback Tell us what’s working (and what isn't) so we can keep improving. Submit ### Log in Enter the email you used to submit to Our Wave and we'll send you a magic link to access your profile. Send link Grounding activity Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud: 5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window) 4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?) 3 – things you can hear 2 – things you can smell 1 – thing you like about yourself. Take a deep breath to end. From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at. Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one). Take a deep breath to end. Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud: 1\. Where am I? 2\. What day of the week is today? 3\. What is today’s date? 4\. What is the current month? 5\. What is the current year? 6\. How old am I? 7\. What season is it? Take a deep breath to end. Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder. Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud. Take a deep breath to end. Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment. Take a deep breath to end. Try another grounding activity I feel grounded and ready