--- title: I'm confused about whether I actually wanted to share intimate photos with my ex-boyfriend. When I was younger, I mentioned my bikini in conversation, and he kept asking me to send him photos despite my initial "no." Eventually I said yes, and afterward I tried to tell myself it felt empowering. I didn't have the "gross" reaction I expected, which confuses me. I sent more photos later but felt uncomfortable and worried about privacy, so I stopped. This same person also assaulted me, which makes me question even more whether that first time was something I actually wanted. What if I gave him what he wanted? What if it was me? ~ Our Wave Community description:

Thank you so much for reaching out to us with this. Your confusion about your own desires and boundaries is completely understandable, especially given the... url: https://community.ourwave.org/en/answer/im-confused-about-whether-i-actually-wanted-to-share-intimate-photos-with-my-ex-boyfriend-when-i-was-younger-i-mentioned-my-bikini-in-conversation-and-he-kept-asking-me-to-send-him-photos-despite-my-i.md --- {{customAnalyticsScripts}} [\[Image: Our Wave Logo\]\[Image: Our Wave Logo\]](/en/) [ Community ](/en/)[ Questions & Answers ](/en/learn)[ Find Support ](/en/resources) Share story Post a message 0 Users 0 Views 0 Reactions 0 Stories read ##### Need to take a break? 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Send it to us 🇺🇸 # I'm confused about whether I actually wanted to share intimate photos with my ex-boyfriend. When I was younger, I mentioned my bikini in conversation, and he kept asking me to send him photos despite my initial "no." Eventually I said yes, and afterward I tried to tell myself it felt empowering. I didn't have the "gross" reaction I expected, which confuses me. I sent more photos later but felt uncomfortable and worried about privacy, so I stopped. This same person also assaulted me, which makes me question even more whether that first time was something I actually wanted. What if I gave him what he wanted? What if it was me? \[Image: Dr. Laura\] Answer by **Dr. Laura** PhD Mental Health Nurse & Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner Topics:[Making sense of childhood experiences](/en/learn?tags=making-sense-of-childhood-experiences) Thank you so much for reaching out to us with this. Your confusion about your own desires and boundaries is completely understandable, especially given the complex dynamics you've described. It may help to remember that [consent](https://community.ourwave.org/_external/link?url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.verywellmind.com%2Fconsent-importance-types-and-examples-6890731&resourceId=non_specific&localeId=en&countryId=us&src=answer&questionId=76a0862f-f3bf-449e-acc1-0ae7ccd5b869&sig=df940173839d15ab12d03301d76b77b656fd111ab4f8a87679738c9f92a7b0af) should feel freely given, not worn down over time by someone's repeated requests. When someone repeatedly asks for something after you've said no, that's called coercive pressure. Your boyfriend didn't respect your initial boundary, and instead wore down your resistance through persistence. This isn't the same as genuine consent, even though you eventually said yes. True consent happens when someone feels free to say no without pressure, manipulation, or consequences. The fact that he kept asking after your "no" created a coercive environment where your "yes" wasn't truly free. Even if part of you thought it felt empowering in the moment, it's still possible to have felt pressured or unsure beneath that initial sense of excitement. It's completely understandable that sharing photos and receiving a positive response might have felt empowering. Perhaps in a different context, where you had freely chosen to share without pressure, it very well could have been an empowering experience. The confusing part is that these genuine feelings of empowerment can exist alongside coercion, making it incredibly difficult to separate what felt good from what was actually harmful. Your body and mind can respond positively to attention and validation even when the situation itself isn't healthy or consensual. Your reaction afterward is completely normal. Many people respond to boundary violations by trying to reclaim some sense of control or agency over what happened. Our minds often try to rationalize experiences in ways that help us cope, which can make it hard to know how we truly felt right away. Sometimes our brains protect us from immediate distress by finding ways to make sense of confusing experiences. The absence of a "gross" feeling doesn't invalidate your discomfort or mean you truly wanted it. It's also common to feel deeply conflicted if you later experienced assault from the same person, as those hurtful events can cast a shadow over any prior moments that might have felt okay, or even exciting, in the moment. It's particularly significant that this same person assaulted you. This context helps illuminate the power dynamic in your relationship-- someone who doesn't respect sexual boundaries in one area often violates them in others. This pattern of boundary violation isn't your fault, and it doesn't reflect your desires or character. The pattern you describe (where you continued sending photos but felt increasingly uncomfortable and worried) actually demonstrates your authentic feelings emerging as the pressure lifted. Your growing discomfort and eventual decision to stop reflects your true boundaries reasserting themselves. None of that means you are at fault. Having mixed feelings or second-guessing what really happened does not mean you actually wanted to do anything that left you uncomfortable. The responsibility always rests with the person who kept pushing, not with the person who eventually gave in. You are not responsible for his behavior, regardless of how you responded in the moment. [Coercion](https://community.ourwave.org/_external/link?url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.webmd.com%2Fsex%2Fwhat-is-sexual-coercion&resourceId=non_specific&localeId=en&countryId=us&src=answer&questionId=76a0862f-f3bf-449e-acc1-0ae7ccd5b869&sig=792022f319bfbc15285ddd1e1fc0bb67a4ff3d5d2527248f46dee09c2d07c5bd) works precisely because it creates confusion about our own wants and agency. Over time, many survivors find that reflecting in a supportive environment brings more clarity and self-forgiveness, even when the memories remain difficult. You're allowed to feel whatever you feel about this. The most important thing to remember is that it wasn't your fault, and your confusion now simply proves how much care you took in navigating a situation that never should have placed such a burden on you. Thank you for trusting us with this. 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Cuba\]Cuba](/answer/im-confused-about-whether-i-actually-wanted-to-share-intimate-photos-with-my-ex-boyfriend-when-i-was-younger-i-mentioned-my-bikini-in-conversation-and-he-kept-asking-me-to-send-him-photos-despite-my-i?country=cu)[\[Image: Dominican Republic\]Dominican Republic](/answer/im-confused-about-whether-i-actually-wanted-to-share-intimate-photos-with-my-ex-boyfriend-when-i-was-younger-i-mentioned-my-bikini-in-conversation-and-he-kept-asking-me-to-send-him-photos-despite-my-i?country=do)[\[Image: Ecuador\]Ecuador](/answer/im-confused-about-whether-i-actually-wanted-to-share-intimate-photos-with-my-ex-boyfriend-when-i-was-younger-i-mentioned-my-bikini-in-conversation-and-he-kept-asking-me-to-send-him-photos-despite-my-i?country=ec)[\[Image: El Salvador\]El 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Nicaragua\]Nicaragua](/answer/im-confused-about-whether-i-actually-wanted-to-share-intimate-photos-with-my-ex-boyfriend-when-i-was-younger-i-mentioned-my-bikini-in-conversation-and-he-kept-asking-me-to-send-him-photos-despite-my-i?country=ni)[\[Image: New Zealand\]New Zealand](/answer/im-confused-about-whether-i-actually-wanted-to-share-intimate-photos-with-my-ex-boyfriend-when-i-was-younger-i-mentioned-my-bikini-in-conversation-and-he-kept-asking-me-to-send-him-photos-despite-my-i?country=nz)[\[Image: Panama\]Panama](/answer/im-confused-about-whether-i-actually-wanted-to-share-intimate-photos-with-my-ex-boyfriend-when-i-was-younger-i-mentioned-my-bikini-in-conversation-and-he-kept-asking-me-to-send-him-photos-despite-my-i?country=pa)[\[Image: Paraguay\]Paraguay](/answer/im-confused-about-whether-i-actually-wanted-to-share-intimate-photos-with-my-ex-boyfriend-when-i-was-younger-i-mentioned-my-bikini-in-conversation-and-he-kept-asking-me-to-send-him-photos-despite-my-i?country=py)[\[Image: Peru\]Peru](/answer/im-confused-about-whether-i-actually-wanted-to-share-intimate-photos-with-my-ex-boyfriend-when-i-was-younger-i-mentioned-my-bikini-in-conversation-and-he-kept-asking-me-to-send-him-photos-despite-my-i?country=pe)[\[Image: Puerto Rico\]Puerto Rico](/answer/im-confused-about-whether-i-actually-wanted-to-share-intimate-photos-with-my-ex-boyfriend-when-i-was-younger-i-mentioned-my-bikini-in-conversation-and-he-kept-asking-me-to-send-him-photos-despite-my-i?country=pr)[\[Image: Spain\]Spain](/answer/im-confused-about-whether-i-actually-wanted-to-share-intimate-photos-with-my-ex-boyfriend-when-i-was-younger-i-mentioned-my-bikini-in-conversation-and-he-kept-asking-me-to-send-him-photos-despite-my-i?country=es)[\[Image: United Kingdom\]United Kingdom](/answer/im-confused-about-whether-i-actually-wanted-to-share-intimate-photos-with-my-ex-boyfriend-when-i-was-younger-i-mentioned-my-bikini-in-conversation-and-he-kept-asking-me-to-send-him-photos-despite-my-i?country=gb)[\[Image: Uruguay\]Uruguay](/answer/im-confused-about-whether-i-actually-wanted-to-share-intimate-photos-with-my-ex-boyfriend-when-i-was-younger-i-mentioned-my-bikini-in-conversation-and-he-kept-asking-me-to-send-him-photos-despite-my-i?country=uy)[\[Image: Venezuela\]Venezuela](/answer/im-confused-about-whether-i-actually-wanted-to-share-intimate-photos-with-my-ex-boyfriend-when-i-was-younger-i-mentioned-my-bikini-in-conversation-and-he-kept-asking-me-to-send-him-photos-despite-my-i?country=ve) English [English](/en/answer/im-confused-about-whether-i-actually-wanted-to-share-intimate-photos-with-my-ex-boyfriend-when-i-was-younger-i-mentioned-my-bikini-in-conversation-and-he-kept-asking-me-to-send-him-photos-despite-my-i)[Español](/es/answer/im-confused-about-whether-i-actually-wanted-to-share-intimate-photos-with-my-ex-boyfriend-when-i-was-younger-i-mentioned-my-bikini-in-conversation-and-he-kept-asking-me-to-send-him-photos-despite-my-i)[日本語](/ja/answer/im-confused-about-whether-i-actually-wanted-to-share-intimate-photos-with-my-ex-boyfriend-when-i-was-younger-i-mentioned-my-bikini-in-conversation-and-he-kept-asking-me-to-send-him-photos-despite-my-i) For immediate help, visit {{resource}} Made with in Raleigh, NC | Read our [Community Guidelines](https://www.ourwave.org/en/community-guidelines), [Privacy Policy](https://www.ourwave.org/en/privacy), and [Terms](https://www.ourwave.org/en/terms) | [ #### Resources ](/en/resources) ### Post a Message Share a message of support with 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Name the following out loud: 5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window) 4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?) 3 – things you can hear 2 – things you can smell 1 – thing you like about yourself. Take a deep breath to end. From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at. Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one). Take a deep breath to end. Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud: 1\. Where am I? 2\. What day of the week is today? 3\. What is today’s date? 4\. What is the current month? 5\. What is the current year? 6\. How old am I? 7\. What season is it? Take a deep breath to end. Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder. Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud. Take a deep breath to end. Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment. Take a deep breath to end. Try another grounding activity I feel grounded and ready