--- title: I'm a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and COCSA. I'm scared that if I ever decide to explore relationships romantically and sexually, I'm going to harm others. Everyone I see talks about concerns of being assaulted again, never about fearing becoming an assailant themselves. Am I broken for this? I feel damaged in a way that I'll only hurt anyone who comes close to me. Am I a monster? What do I do? ~ Our Wave Community description:

Thank you for trusting us with this. What you're experiencing is actually more common than you might think, though it's talked about far less openly. Many... url: https://community.ourwave.org/en/answer/im-a-survivor-of-childhood-sexual-abuse-and-cocsa-im-scared-that-if-i-ever-decide-to-explore-relationships-romantically-and-sexually-im-going-to-harm-others-everyone-i-see-talks-about-concerns-of-bein.md --- {{customAnalyticsScripts}} [\[Image: Our Wave Logo\]\[Image: Our Wave Logo\]](/en/) [ Community ](/en/)[ Questions & Answers ](/en/learn)[ Find Support ](/en/resources) Share story Post a message 0 Users 0 Views 0 Reactions 0 Stories read ##### Need to take a break? 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Send it to us 🇺🇸 # I'm a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and COCSA. I'm scared that if I ever decide to explore relationships romantically and sexually, I'm going to harm others. Everyone I see talks about concerns of being assaulted again, never about fearing becoming an assailant themselves. Am I broken for this? I feel damaged in a way that I'll only hurt anyone who comes close to me. Am I a monster? What do I do? \[Image: Dr. Laura\] Answer by **Dr. Laura** PhD Mental Health Nurse & Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner Topics:[Sex, sexuality, and intimacy after trauma](/en/learn?tags=sex-sexuality-and-intimacy-after-trauma) Thank you for trusting us with this. What you're experiencing is actually more common than you might think, though it's talked about far less openly. Many survivors carry the worry that the abuse they experienced might somehow have "infected" them or made them dangerous to others. This fear doesn't make you broken, and it certainly doesn't make you a monster. In fact, the very anxiety you're feeling often indicates the opposite: you care deeply about not causing harm, which is fundamentally incompatible with being someone who would actually hurt others. The part of you that worries so strongly about causing harm is also proof that you want to do the right thing. There's an important distinction between having intrusive thoughts or fears about causing harm and actually wanting to cause harm or being at risk of doing so. Your fear is a form of hypervigilance that many trauma survivors experience. Your brain is trying to protect you and others by staying alert to any possible danger, including the idea that you yourself might become a source of harm. This could be your mind's way of trying to maintain control in a world that once felt terrifyingly out of control. The fact that these thoughts distress you so much is actually evidence that they don't reflect your true character or intentions. Feelings of guilt or fear of hurting others can be a common reaction to sexual trauma when you've known violation so intimately and dread doing anything that remotely resembles it. The relationship between experiencing abuse and later perpetrating it is far more nuanced than many people realize. The vast majority of survivors never harm anyone. Most research shows that being harmed in childhood does not automatically turn survivors into perpetrators, especially for those who grow up aware of boundaries and truly don't want to hurt anyone. While it's true that many people who do harm others have histories of trauma, most trauma survivors do not go on to hurt others. What makes the crucial difference is awareness, the desire not to cause harm, and the willingness to be reflective about your behaviors and their impact--all things you're already demonstrating by even asking this question. The fact that you're thinking about this so seriously means you're taking responsibility for your actions, which is the opposite of how abusers behave. Feeling damaged comes from the trauma you've been through, not from any real sign that you pose a threat. The painful shock of that abuse can twist your sense of self into believing there must be something inherently wrong with you. You are not alone in having these thoughts. They usually come from wanting to protect others from pain you yourself know all too well. You deserve to be treated with kindness and understanding, both by others and by yourself. Even if you don't fully believe it yet, you do deserve love, closeness, and genuine peace in all parts of your life. When you're ready to explore relationships, what will matter most is bringing your whole self, including your awareness of your history and your concerns. Healthy relationships are built on communication, respect for boundaries, ongoing consent, and the ability to recognize and repair when we've made mistakes. Because all humans sometimes miss cues or misunderstand situations. The goal isn't perfection-- it's attentiveness and care. Your awareness of the potential for harm, combined with a genuine desire not to cause it, can actually help you be more conscientious and attuned to your partners than many people who've never questioned these things about themselves. If you do start exploring romantic or sexual connections, it may help to move slowly and choose settings where clear communication, consent, and boundaries feel comfortable for you. You're not irreparably damaged, and it's possible to build healthy, respectful connections that honor both your own experiences and the well-being of those you care about. If these fears continue to feel overwhelming, working with a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in sexual trauma can be incredibly valuable. They can help you distinguish between the fears your trauma has created and the reality of who you are, and support you in building confidence in your capacity for healthy, consensual connections with others when and if you choose to pursue them. Thank you for reaching out to us. We appreciate you. Random Question 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/im-a-survivor-of-childhood-sexual-abuse-and-cocsa-im-scared-that-if-i-ever-decide-to-explore-relationships-romantically-and-sexually-im-going-to-harm-others-everyone-i-see-talks-about-concerns-of-bein#comments) ### Discard message? You have a comment in progress, are you sure you want to discard it? Cancel Discard ##### Similar community content Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Aenean commodo ligula eget dolor. Aenean massa. 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[English](/en/answer/im-a-survivor-of-childhood-sexual-abuse-and-cocsa-im-scared-that-if-i-ever-decide-to-explore-relationships-romantically-and-sexually-im-going-to-harm-others-everyone-i-see-talks-about-concerns-of-bein)[Español](/es/answer/im-a-survivor-of-childhood-sexual-abuse-and-cocsa-im-scared-that-if-i-ever-decide-to-explore-relationships-romantically-and-sexually-im-going-to-harm-others-everyone-i-see-talks-about-concerns-of-bein)[日本語](/ja/answer/im-a-survivor-of-childhood-sexual-abuse-and-cocsa-im-scared-that-if-i-ever-decide-to-explore-relationships-romantically-and-sexually-im-going-to-harm-others-everyone-i-see-talks-about-concerns-of-bein) For immediate help, visit {{resource}} Made with in Raleigh, NC | Read our [Community Guidelines](https://www.ourwave.org/en/community-guidelines), [Privacy Policy](https://www.ourwave.org/en/privacy), and [Terms](https://www.ourwave.org/en/terms) | [ #### Resources ](/en/resources) ### Post a Message Share a message of support with 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Continue We will send you an email as soon as your message is posted, as well as send helpful resources and support. Post Please adhere to our [Community Guidelines](https://www.ourwave.org/en/community-guidelines) to help us keep Our Wave a safe space. All messages will be reviewed and identifying information removed before they are posted. ### Ask a Question Ask a question about survivorship or supporting survivors. Continue We will send you an email as soon as your question is answered, as well as send helpful resources and support. Submit ### How can we help? Tell us why you are reporting this content. Our moderation team will review your report shortly. 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Name the following out loud: 5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window) 4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?) 3 – things you can hear 2 – things you can smell 1 – thing you like about yourself. Take a deep breath to end. From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at. Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one). Take a deep breath to end. Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud: 1\. Where am I? 2\. What day of the week is today? 3\. What is today’s date? 4\. What is the current month? 5\. What is the current year? 6\. How old am I? 7\. What season is it? Take a deep breath to end. Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder. Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud. Take a deep breath to end. Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment. Take a deep breath to end. Try another grounding activity I feel grounded and ready