--- title: I was the oldest child involved in what I now understand some people call COCSA, and I was the one who suggested it. But at some point during it, I went completely still and silent — I was scared of being punished, so I stopped reacting, stopped moving, stopped saying anything. I couldn't stop feeling what the other boy was doing though. The physical sensations were uncomfortable, even painful. Then he guided my hands to do something to him. I remembered all of this clearly for years, with vivid physical detail. And then suddenly, it all went foggy. Now I can't tell what's real anymore. I'm scared my subconscious made it up, or that I lied to myself somehow. Can someone who suggested something still end up being the one something wrong was done to? Is it normal for memories like this to disappear? Am I going crazy? ~ Our Wave Community description:

Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not going crazy, and you are not lying to yourself. What you are describing is an extremely disorienting... url: https://community.ourwave.org/en/answer/i-was-the-oldest-child-involved-in-what-i-now-understand-some-people-call-cocsa-and-i-was-the-one-who-suggested-it-but-at-some-point-during-it-i-went-completely-still-and-silent-i-was-scared-of-being.md --- {{customAnalyticsScripts}} [\[Image: Our Wave Logo\]\[Image: Our Wave Logo\]](/en/) [ Community ](/en/)[ Questions & Answers ](/en/learn)[ Find Support ](/en/resources) Share story Post a message 0 Users 0 Views 0 Reactions 0 Stories read ##### Need to take a break? 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Send it to us 🇲🇽 # I was the oldest child involved in what I now understand some people call COCSA, and I was the one who suggested it. But at some point during it, I went completely still and silent — I was scared of being punished, so I stopped reacting, stopped moving, stopped saying anything. I couldn't stop feeling what the other boy was doing though. The physical sensations were uncomfortable, even painful. Then he guided my hands to do something to him. I remembered all of this clearly for years, with vivid physical detail. And then suddenly, it all went foggy. Now I can't tell what's real anymore. I'm scared my subconscious made it up, or that I lied to myself somehow. Can someone who suggested something still end up being the one something wrong was done to? Is it normal for memories like this to disappear? Am I going crazy? \[Image: Dr. Laura\] Answer by **Dr. Laura** PhD Mental Health Nurse & Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner Topics:[Understanding specific types of trauma and harm](/en/learn?tags=understanding-specific-types-of-trauma-and-harm) Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not going crazy, and you are not lying to yourself. What you are describing is an extremely disorienting experience and the fact that your memory is foggy does not mean the memory was never real. Let me start with the memory piece, because it sounds like that is what is frightening you most right now. Trauma memories do not work the way regular memories do. They are stored differently in the brain, often in fragments, sensory pieces, and body sensations rather than clean narratives. Sometimes they are vivid and present for years, and then something shifts and they become hard to access, or start to feel unreal. There is actually a well-documented phenomenon called dissociative amnesia, where the mind temporarily blocks access to memories that were too painful or overwhelming to hold, and what you are describing sounds like it could be worth exploring in that direction. Only a clinician who knows your full history could say whether that fits, but it is worth knowing that this kind of memory shift is recognized, it has a name, and it is not the same thing as making something up. The doubt spiral you are in, the "did I fabricate this, did I lie to myself" loop, is also something researchers have documented extensively in trauma survivors. People whose experiences involved any complexity or ambiguity are far more likely to doubt themselves than to invent things. Your brain doing this is not evidence of dishonesty. It is often evidence of how much weight you have been carrying. Now to the harder question you are asking. You suggested it. And then at some point your body went still and silent, you were afraid, you stopped reacting, you endured physical discomfort and pain, and your hands were guided to do something without your active choice. What you are describing in that second part is a loss of agency. The fact that you initiated something does not mean you consented to everything that followed, or that you had any meaningful power over what happened in those moments. Fear-induced freezing, which is exactly what you are describing, is a recognized, involuntary physiological response. It is not agreement. Research on COCSA shows it is more common than most people realize, and one of the things that makes it particularly complicated is that the lines of who did what, and what it meant, are rarely clean. Children do not have fully developed capacity to anticipate, consent, or withdraw. In COCSA specifically, it is not uncommon for the same experience to contain harm flowing in more than one direction, or for the child who initiated something to still have something done to them that they did not want. You are not the first person to sit with exactly this question. So yes. Someone can suggest something and still have something done to them that they did not want. Both of those things can be true at the same time, in the same experience. Only you get to decide what language fits your story, but what you are describing, the freeze, the pain, the guided hands, sounds like something that was done to you, regardless of how it started. If the memories feel blocked right now, that is okay. You do not have to force them open. A therapist trained in trauma, particularly one familiar with somatic or EMDR approaches, can help you work with your nervous system gently rather than trying to think your way through something your mind has chosen to protect for now. 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[English](/en/answer/i-was-the-oldest-child-involved-in-what-i-now-understand-some-people-call-cocsa-and-i-was-the-one-who-suggested-it-but-at-some-point-during-it-i-went-completely-still-and-silent-i-was-scared-of-being)[Español](/es/answer/i-was-the-oldest-child-involved-in-what-i-now-understand-some-people-call-cocsa-and-i-was-the-one-who-suggested-it-but-at-some-point-during-it-i-went-completely-still-and-silent-i-was-scared-of-being)[日本語](/ja/answer/i-was-the-oldest-child-involved-in-what-i-now-understand-some-people-call-cocsa-and-i-was-the-one-who-suggested-it-but-at-some-point-during-it-i-went-completely-still-and-silent-i-was-scared-of-being) For immediate help, visit {{resource}} Made with in Raleigh, NC | Read our [Community Guidelines](https://www.ourwave.org/en/community-guidelines), [Privacy Policy](https://www.ourwave.org/en/privacy), and [Terms](https://www.ourwave.org/en/terms) | [ #### Resources ](/en/resources) ### Post a Message Share a message of support with the 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Name the following out loud: 5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window) 4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?) 3 – things you can hear 2 – things you can smell 1 – thing you like about yourself. Take a deep breath to end. From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at. Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one). Take a deep breath to end. Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud: 1\. Where am I? 2\. What day of the week is today? 3\. What is today’s date? 4\. What is the current month? 5\. What is the current year? 6\. How old am I? 7\. What season is it? Take a deep breath to end. Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder. Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud. Take a deep breath to end. Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment. Take a deep breath to end. Try another grounding activity I feel grounded and ready