---
title: My best friend kissed me while I was drunk, even though he was completely sober. I did not want it, but I was not in a place where I felt able to stop it. Afterward I asked him why he did it and told him he should not have. He turned it around on me and said I had led him on because I touched his hair. We are both in relationships. Since then I have felt betrayed and tainted, and I ended the friendship. Was this an assault? ~ Our Wave Community
description: <p>Thank you for being here. What you are describing sounds disorienting, and the fact that you are still sitting with it makes complete sense. You came here...
url: https://community.ourwave.org/en/answer/i-was-kissed-by-my-supposed-best-friend-while-drunk-while-he-was-sober-we-are-both-in-relationships-i-didnt-want-him-to-do-it-but-i-wasnt-in-the-right-space-to-stop-it-afterward-i-shouted-at-him-why-d-937.md
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Canada\]Canada](/answer/i-was-kissed-by-my-supposed-best-friend-while-drunk-while-he-was-sober-we-are-both-in-relationships-i-didnt-want-him-to-do-it-but-i-wasnt-in-the-right-space-to-stop-it-afterward-i-shouted-at-him-why-d-937?country=ca)[\[Image: Chile\]Chile](/answer/i-was-kissed-by-my-supposed-best-friend-while-drunk-while-he-was-sober-we-are-both-in-relationships-i-didnt-want-him-to-do-it-but-i-wasnt-in-the-right-space-to-stop-it-afterward-i-shouted-at-him-why-d-937?country=cl)[\[Image: Colombia\]Colombia](/answer/i-was-kissed-by-my-supposed-best-friend-while-drunk-while-he-was-sober-we-are-both-in-relationships-i-didnt-want-him-to-do-it-but-i-wasnt-in-the-right-space-to-stop-it-afterward-i-shouted-at-him-why-d-937?country=co)[\[Image: Costa Rica\]Costa Rica](/answer/i-was-kissed-by-my-supposed-best-friend-while-drunk-while-he-was-sober-we-are-both-in-relationships-i-didnt-want-him-to-do-it-but-i-wasnt-in-the-right-space-to-stop-it-afterward-i-shouted-at-him-why-d-937?country=cr)[\[Image: Cuba\]Cuba](/answer/i-was-kissed-by-my-supposed-best-friend-while-drunk-while-he-was-sober-we-are-both-in-relationships-i-didnt-want-him-to-do-it-but-i-wasnt-in-the-right-space-to-stop-it-afterward-i-shouted-at-him-why-d-937?country=cu)[\[Image: Dominican Republic\]Dominican Republic](/answer/i-was-kissed-by-my-supposed-best-friend-while-drunk-while-he-was-sober-we-are-both-in-relationships-i-didnt-want-him-to-do-it-but-i-wasnt-in-the-right-space-to-stop-it-afterward-i-shouted-at-him-why-d-937?country=do)[\[Image: 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Guatemala\]Guatemala](/answer/i-was-kissed-by-my-supposed-best-friend-while-drunk-while-he-was-sober-we-are-both-in-relationships-i-didnt-want-him-to-do-it-but-i-wasnt-in-the-right-space-to-stop-it-afterward-i-shouted-at-him-why-d-937?country=gt)[\[Image: Honduras\]Honduras](/answer/i-was-kissed-by-my-supposed-best-friend-while-drunk-while-he-was-sober-we-are-both-in-relationships-i-didnt-want-him-to-do-it-but-i-wasnt-in-the-right-space-to-stop-it-afterward-i-shouted-at-him-why-d-937?country=hn)[\[Image: Ireland\]Ireland](/answer/i-was-kissed-by-my-supposed-best-friend-while-drunk-while-he-was-sober-we-are-both-in-relationships-i-didnt-want-him-to-do-it-but-i-wasnt-in-the-right-space-to-stop-it-afterward-i-shouted-at-him-why-d-937?country=ie)[\[Image: Japan\]Japan](/answer/i-was-kissed-by-my-supposed-best-friend-while-drunk-while-he-was-sober-we-are-both-in-relationships-i-didnt-want-him-to-do-it-but-i-wasnt-in-the-right-space-to-stop-it-afterward-i-shouted-at-him-why-d-937?country=jp)[\[Image: Mexico\]Mexico](/answer/i-was-kissed-by-my-supposed-best-friend-while-drunk-while-he-was-sober-we-are-both-in-relationships-i-didnt-want-him-to-do-it-but-i-wasnt-in-the-right-space-to-stop-it-afterward-i-shouted-at-him-why-d-937?country=mx)[\[Image: Nicaragua\]Nicaragua](/answer/i-was-kissed-by-my-supposed-best-friend-while-drunk-while-he-was-sober-we-are-both-in-relationships-i-didnt-want-him-to-do-it-but-i-wasnt-in-the-right-space-to-stop-it-afterward-i-shouted-at-him-why-d-937?country=ni)[\[Image: New Zealand\]New 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# My best friend kissed me while I was drunk, even though he was completely sober. I did not want it, but I was not in a place where I felt able to stop it. Afterward I asked him why he did it and told him he should not have. He turned it around on me and said I had led him on because I touched his hair. We are both in relationships. Since then I have felt betrayed and tainted, and I ended the friendship. Was this an assault?

\[Image: Dr. Laura\]

Answer by **Dr. Laura**

PhD Mental Health Nurse & Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner

Topics:[Making sense of adult experiences](/en/learn?tags=making-sense-of-adult-experiences)

Thank you for being here. What you are describing sounds disorienting, and the fact that you are still sitting with it makes complete sense. You came here trying to make sense of something that never should have been yours to untangle alone.

I do not want to label your experience for you, but I can walk through what you described piece by piece because the pieces themselves carry information. Consent requires the ability to freely and clearly say yes, in the moment, with a clear head. You were drunk, which affects that ability. He was sober, which means he had full access to his own judgment and awareness. He was the one positioned to notice you were not in a state to consent, and he kissed you anyway. That combination, one person impaired and one person fully aware acting without agreement, is one of the components many survivors point to when they describe an experience as a violation of consent or as sexual coercion. Whether that language fits what happened to you is yours to decide, in your own time, and you do not owe anyone, including yourself, a quick answer.

Another piece worth naming is that you could not stop it in the moment. The body does not always respond to an unwanted, overwhelming situation with a clear push or a firm no. Sometimes it locks up instead. Researchers call this the freeze response, or tonic immobility, an automatic reaction where the nervous system essentially trips a circuit breaker rather than mounting a fight or flight response. This is also a piece people commonly point to, because it explains why someone can be certain they did not want something and still not have been able to physically resist it. That was not permission. It was your body doing something ancient and protective.

A third piece is what happened afterward. When you confronted him, he redirected the blame onto you, pointing to something as ordinary as touching his hair as if it were an invitation. This sounds like a recognizable pattern, sometimes called [DARVO](https://community.ourwave.org/_external/link?url=https%3A%2F%2Fharbormentalhealth.com%2F2025%2F10%2F31%2Fdarvo-manipulation-how-to-spot-and-protect-yourself%2F&resourceId=non_specific&localeId=en&countryId=us&src=answer&questionId=97c47f02-dc9b-4543-a58e-60c562498099&sig=b9730d4ded145d01d698b6413734b721314227e3e3de9cff7d54371482ae507e), standing for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. It shows up often in accounts like yours, and it works by planting doubt exactly where you are most vulnerable to it, in your own read of what happened. You noticed it and named it out loud to him in the moment, which took real clarity.

You used the word tainted, and I want to gently push back on it. What happened does not make you tainted. It makes him someone who crossed a line and then tried to hand you the responsibility for it. Those are two very different things, even when they feel fused together right now.

It also makes sense to grieve the friendship itself, separately from being clear that something was wrong. Losing someone you called your best friend is a real loss, even when he is the reason for it. You are allowed to hold both the grief and the clarity at once.

One thing that might help now: write your own account of that night, in your own words, just for yourself, listing these same pieces the way you experienced them. He has already tried to rewrite it once. Having your own clear version, built from what you know happened rather than what he insisted happened, gives you something steady to return to. Thank you so much for trusting us with this. You are not alone.

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\[Image: United States\]United States

[\[Image: Argentina\]Argentina](/answer/i-was-kissed-by-my-supposed-best-friend-while-drunk-while-he-was-sober-we-are-both-in-relationships-i-didnt-want-him-to-do-it-but-i-wasnt-in-the-right-space-to-stop-it-afterward-i-shouted-at-him-why-d-937?country=ar)[\[Image: Australia\]Australia](/answer/i-was-kissed-by-my-supposed-best-friend-while-drunk-while-he-was-sober-we-are-both-in-relationships-i-didnt-want-him-to-do-it-but-i-wasnt-in-the-right-space-to-stop-it-afterward-i-shouted-at-him-why-d-937?country=au)[\[Image: Bolivia\]Bolivia](/answer/i-was-kissed-by-my-supposed-best-friend-while-drunk-while-he-was-sober-we-are-both-in-relationships-i-didnt-want-him-to-do-it-but-i-wasnt-in-the-right-space-to-stop-it-afterward-i-shouted-at-him-why-d-937?country=bo)[\[Image: Canada\]Canada](/answer/i-was-kissed-by-my-supposed-best-friend-while-drunk-while-he-was-sober-we-are-both-in-relationships-i-didnt-want-him-to-do-it-but-i-wasnt-in-the-right-space-to-stop-it-afterward-i-shouted-at-him-why-d-937?country=ca)[\[Image: Chile\]Chile](/answer/i-was-kissed-by-my-supposed-best-friend-while-drunk-while-he-was-sober-we-are-both-in-relationships-i-didnt-want-him-to-do-it-but-i-wasnt-in-the-right-space-to-stop-it-afterward-i-shouted-at-him-why-d-937?country=cl)[\[Image: Colombia\]Colombia](/answer/i-was-kissed-by-my-supposed-best-friend-while-drunk-while-he-was-sober-we-are-both-in-relationships-i-didnt-want-him-to-do-it-but-i-wasnt-in-the-right-space-to-stop-it-afterward-i-shouted-at-him-why-d-937?country=co)[\[Image: Costa Rica\]Costa Rica](/answer/i-was-kissed-by-my-supposed-best-friend-while-drunk-while-he-was-sober-we-are-both-in-relationships-i-didnt-want-him-to-do-it-but-i-wasnt-in-the-right-space-to-stop-it-afterward-i-shouted-at-him-why-d-937?country=cr)[\[Image: Cuba\]Cuba](/answer/i-was-kissed-by-my-supposed-best-friend-while-drunk-while-he-was-sober-we-are-both-in-relationships-i-didnt-want-him-to-do-it-but-i-wasnt-in-the-right-space-to-stop-it-afterward-i-shouted-at-him-why-d-937?country=cu)[\[Image: Dominican Republic\]Dominican Republic](/answer/i-was-kissed-by-my-supposed-best-friend-while-drunk-while-he-was-sober-we-are-both-in-relationships-i-didnt-want-him-to-do-it-but-i-wasnt-in-the-right-space-to-stop-it-afterward-i-shouted-at-him-why-d-937?country=do)[\[Image: Ecuador\]Ecuador](/answer/i-was-kissed-by-my-supposed-best-friend-while-drunk-while-he-was-sober-we-are-both-in-relationships-i-didnt-want-him-to-do-it-but-i-wasnt-in-the-right-space-to-stop-it-afterward-i-shouted-at-him-why-d-937?country=ec)[\[Image: El Salvador\]El Salvador](/answer/i-was-kissed-by-my-supposed-best-friend-while-drunk-while-he-was-sober-we-are-both-in-relationships-i-didnt-want-him-to-do-it-but-i-wasnt-in-the-right-space-to-stop-it-afterward-i-shouted-at-him-why-d-937?country=sv)[\[Image: Equatorial Guinea\]Equatorial Guinea](/answer/i-was-kissed-by-my-supposed-best-friend-while-drunk-while-he-was-sober-we-are-both-in-relationships-i-didnt-want-him-to-do-it-but-i-wasnt-in-the-right-space-to-stop-it-afterward-i-shouted-at-him-why-d-937?country=gq)[\[Image: Guatemala\]Guatemala](/answer/i-was-kissed-by-my-supposed-best-friend-while-drunk-while-he-was-sober-we-are-both-in-relationships-i-didnt-want-him-to-do-it-but-i-wasnt-in-the-right-space-to-stop-it-afterward-i-shouted-at-him-why-d-937?country=gt)[\[Image: Honduras\]Honduras](/answer/i-was-kissed-by-my-supposed-best-friend-while-drunk-while-he-was-sober-we-are-both-in-relationships-i-didnt-want-him-to-do-it-but-i-wasnt-in-the-right-space-to-stop-it-afterward-i-shouted-at-him-why-d-937?country=hn)[\[Image: Ireland\]Ireland](/answer/i-was-kissed-by-my-supposed-best-friend-while-drunk-while-he-was-sober-we-are-both-in-relationships-i-didnt-want-him-to-do-it-but-i-wasnt-in-the-right-space-to-stop-it-afterward-i-shouted-at-him-why-d-937?country=ie)[\[Image: Japan\]Japan](/answer/i-was-kissed-by-my-supposed-best-friend-while-drunk-while-he-was-sober-we-are-both-in-relationships-i-didnt-want-him-to-do-it-but-i-wasnt-in-the-right-space-to-stop-it-afterward-i-shouted-at-him-why-d-937?country=jp)[\[Image: Mexico\]Mexico](/answer/i-was-kissed-by-my-supposed-best-friend-while-drunk-while-he-was-sober-we-are-both-in-relationships-i-didnt-want-him-to-do-it-but-i-wasnt-in-the-right-space-to-stop-it-afterward-i-shouted-at-him-why-d-937?country=mx)[\[Image: Nicaragua\]Nicaragua](/answer/i-was-kissed-by-my-supposed-best-friend-while-drunk-while-he-was-sober-we-are-both-in-relationships-i-didnt-want-him-to-do-it-but-i-wasnt-in-the-right-space-to-stop-it-afterward-i-shouted-at-him-why-d-937?country=ni)[\[Image: New Zealand\]New Zealand](/answer/i-was-kissed-by-my-supposed-best-friend-while-drunk-while-he-was-sober-we-are-both-in-relationships-i-didnt-want-him-to-do-it-but-i-wasnt-in-the-right-space-to-stop-it-afterward-i-shouted-at-him-why-d-937?country=nz)[\[Image: Panama\]Panama](/answer/i-was-kissed-by-my-supposed-best-friend-while-drunk-while-he-was-sober-we-are-both-in-relationships-i-didnt-want-him-to-do-it-but-i-wasnt-in-the-right-space-to-stop-it-afterward-i-shouted-at-him-why-d-937?country=pa)[\[Image: Paraguay\]Paraguay](/answer/i-was-kissed-by-my-supposed-best-friend-while-drunk-while-he-was-sober-we-are-both-in-relationships-i-didnt-want-him-to-do-it-but-i-wasnt-in-the-right-space-to-stop-it-afterward-i-shouted-at-him-why-d-937?country=py)[\[Image: Peru\]Peru](/answer/i-was-kissed-by-my-supposed-best-friend-while-drunk-while-he-was-sober-we-are-both-in-relationships-i-didnt-want-him-to-do-it-but-i-wasnt-in-the-right-space-to-stop-it-afterward-i-shouted-at-him-why-d-937?country=pe)[\[Image: Puerto Rico\]Puerto Rico](/answer/i-was-kissed-by-my-supposed-best-friend-while-drunk-while-he-was-sober-we-are-both-in-relationships-i-didnt-want-him-to-do-it-but-i-wasnt-in-the-right-space-to-stop-it-afterward-i-shouted-at-him-why-d-937?country=pr)[\[Image: Spain\]Spain](/answer/i-was-kissed-by-my-supposed-best-friend-while-drunk-while-he-was-sober-we-are-both-in-relationships-i-didnt-want-him-to-do-it-but-i-wasnt-in-the-right-space-to-stop-it-afterward-i-shouted-at-him-why-d-937?country=es)[\[Image: United Kingdom\]United Kingdom](/answer/i-was-kissed-by-my-supposed-best-friend-while-drunk-while-he-was-sober-we-are-both-in-relationships-i-didnt-want-him-to-do-it-but-i-wasnt-in-the-right-space-to-stop-it-afterward-i-shouted-at-him-why-d-937?country=gb)[\[Image: Uruguay\]Uruguay](/answer/i-was-kissed-by-my-supposed-best-friend-while-drunk-while-he-was-sober-we-are-both-in-relationships-i-didnt-want-him-to-do-it-but-i-wasnt-in-the-right-space-to-stop-it-afterward-i-shouted-at-him-why-d-937?country=uy)[\[Image: Venezuela\]Venezuela](/answer/i-was-kissed-by-my-supposed-best-friend-while-drunk-while-he-was-sober-we-are-both-in-relationships-i-didnt-want-him-to-do-it-but-i-wasnt-in-the-right-space-to-stop-it-afterward-i-shouted-at-him-why-d-937?country=ve)

English

[English](/en/answer/i-was-kissed-by-my-supposed-best-friend-while-drunk-while-he-was-sober-we-are-both-in-relationships-i-didnt-want-him-to-do-it-but-i-wasnt-in-the-right-space-to-stop-it-afterward-i-shouted-at-him-why-d-937)[Español](/es/answer/i-was-kissed-by-my-supposed-best-friend-while-drunk-while-he-was-sober-we-are-both-in-relationships-i-didnt-want-him-to-do-it-but-i-wasnt-in-the-right-space-to-stop-it-afterward-i-shouted-at-him-why-d-937)[日本語](/ja/answer/i-was-kissed-by-my-supposed-best-friend-while-drunk-while-he-was-sober-we-are-both-in-relationships-i-didnt-want-him-to-do-it-but-i-wasnt-in-the-right-space-to-stop-it-afterward-i-shouted-at-him-why-d-937)

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Grounding activity

Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud:

5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window)

4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?)

3 – things you can hear

2 – things you can smell

1 – thing you like about yourself.

Take a deep breath to end.

From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at.

Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one).

Take a deep breath to end.

Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud:

1\. Where am I?

2\. What day of the week is today?

3\. What is today’s date?

4\. What is the current month?

5\. What is the current year?

6\. How old am I?

7\. What season is it?

Take a deep breath to end.

Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder.

Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud.

Take a deep breath to end.

Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment.

Take a deep breath to end.

Try another grounding activity

I feel grounded and ready