I have blurry memories from when I was a young girl that always make me uncomfortable and anxious. During a time when my parents were divorced, I lived with my father who was dating a woman with two children. We often had sleepovers, and I would spend time with her son who was close to my age. He frequently brought up sex-related topics when we were alone, taught me about sex using our toys despite my discomfort, and insisted on showing me his genitals during bath time when adults weren't supervising. He only did these things when grown-ups weren't around, and I told him to stop but he didn't listen. Although there was no physical contact, could what I experienced have been COCSA? I feel disgusted and ashamed about it today as an adult, even though I know I did nothing wrong.

Thank you for reaching out and trusting us with this. The behaviors you're describing sound like significant boundary violations that were inappropriate and harmful. Several aspects of your experience align with what some might consider childhood-on-childhood sexual abuse (COCSA). For example, the deliberate timing when adults weren't present, the continuation of these behaviors despite your clear discomfort and requests to stop, and the introduction of sexual content to someone who had no prior exposure to it.

Only you can determine how to label or understand your experiences. For some survivors, having a name like COCSA for what happened can be validating and helpful in understanding their reactions and finding appropriate resources. For others, labels might feel limiting or not quite right for their specific situation. What matters most is how these experiences affected you and continue to impact you today, regardless of what term might be applied to them.

The fact that you felt uncomfortable at the time and continue to experience distress about these memories as an adult speaks to the real impact these experiences had on you. Your body and mind recognized that something wasn't right, even when you were too young to fully understand what was happening. It's completely understandable that you feel disgusted and ashamed, even while knowing intellectually that you did nothing wrong. These feelings are common trauma responses and don't reflect anything about your character or actions. You were a child who was placed in an uncomfortable situation by another child who violated your boundaries repeatedly.

The blurry nature of your memories is also very typical of childhood trauma. Our minds sometimes protect us by making difficult memories less clear or accessible. This doesn't make your experiences less valid or real. Your emotional responses to these memories are important indicators that something significant happened that affected you deeply.

If you're experiencing ongoing distress from these memories, you deserve support in processing these experiences. Speaking with a trauma-informed therapist who understands childhood sexual experiences could be helpful in working through the feelings these memories bring up and developing coping strategies that feel right for you. You are not alone.