--- title: I have been married for 18 years and we have three children together. I am exhausted in a way that goes all the way into my body. Over the years there has been a pattern of verbal abuse, physical intimidation in front of the kids, and sexual coercion, including times he forced intimacy, screamed at me until I gave in, and violated me sexually while I was asleep. Now that I have asked for a separation, he has suddenly become nice and affectionate, but the manipulation hasn't stopped. He guilt-trips me by saying his physical health problems are my fault, and at Christmas he caused a full emotional crisis at my parents' house because he wasn't getting the intimacy he wanted. My body completely rejects his new "nice" persona. How do I safely navigate this separation, handle the guilt-tripping, and protect my children and my own mental health? ~ Our Wave Community description:

The exhaustion you are describing, the kind that has gone all the way into your body, is real and it has a reason. It is what happens when a nervous system... url: https://community.ourwave.org/en/answer/i-am-seeking-advice-regarding-a-separation-from-my-husband-of-18-years-we-have-3-children-i-am-emotionally-exhausted-and-my-body-has-completely-shut-down-i-cannot-forgive-his-years-of-anger-and-abuse-924.md --- {{customAnalyticsScripts}} [\[Image: Our Wave Logo\]\[Image: Our Wave Logo\]](/en/) [ Community ](/en/)[ Questions & Answers ](/en/learn)[ Find Support ](/en/resources) Share story Post a message 0 Users 0 Views 0 Reactions 0 Stories read ##### Need to take a break? 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Send it to us 🇬🇧 # I have been married for 18 years and we have three children together. I am exhausted in a way that goes all the way into my body. Over the years there has been a pattern of verbal abuse, physical intimidation in front of the kids, and sexual coercion, including times he forced intimacy, screamed at me until I gave in, and violated me sexually while I was asleep. Now that I have asked for a separation, he has suddenly become nice and affectionate, but the manipulation hasn't stopped. He guilt-trips me by saying his physical health problems are my fault, and at Christmas he caused a full emotional crisis at my parents' house because he wasn't getting the intimacy he wanted. My body completely rejects his new "nice" persona. How do I safely navigate this separation, handle the guilt-tripping, and protect my children and my own mental health? \[Image: Dr. Laura\] Answer by **Dr. Laura** PhD Mental Health Nurse & Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner Topics:[Making sense of adult experiences](/en/learn?tags=making-sense-of-adult-experiences) The exhaustion you are describing, the kind that has gone all the way into your body, is real and it has a reason. It is what happens when a nervous system has been on high alert for a very long time. Your body is not broken. It is doing exactly what it learned to do to keep you alive, and it is still doing it because the threat is still present, just wearing a different mask. It is also worth pausing and reflecting on what happened to you while you were asleep. Waking up to find your partner violating your body without your knowledge or consent is something many survivors find difficult to name, and only you get to decide what language, if any, fits your experience. What is clear is that your consent was absent. You were asleep. Resources like [the hotline](https://community.ourwave.org/_external/link?url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.thehotline.org&resourceId=non_specific&localeId=en&countryId=gb&src=answer&questionId=bd56d978-bc9f-49b8-8668-aec13f07ee96&sig=a07ef691f9256bde25ebc89148dadb106ebba2ba7629f97e8144b69878c647d0) can be a good place to explore what language feels true to you, at your own pace. The somatic shutdown you are experiencing, the sense that your body "refuses" him, sounds like a trauma response, and based on what you have shared, it is a wise one. When we have been in prolonged danger, the autonomic nervous system, the part of us that manages threat responses without asking our permission, learns to read cues that our thinking mind might try to rationalize away. Think of it like a smoke detector that has gone off so many times in a real fire that it stays sensitive long after the flames are out. Your body has 18 years of data. Trust it. The sudden shift to "nice" after you asked for separation is a well-documented pattern in abusive relationships. Researchers and clinicians who study [coercive control](https://community.ourwave.org/_external/link?url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.healthline.com%2Fhealth%2Fcoercive-control%23monitoring-activity&resourceId=non_specific&localeId=en&countryId=gb&src=answer&questionId=bd56d978-bc9f-49b8-8668-aec13f07ee96&sig=700deb85268e6a1896c8087ae6dab7680cecb1788478d9c712da170afbc901a3) call this the [honeymoon phase](https://community.ourwave.org/_external/link?url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.aedv.org%2Fdomestic-violence-101&resourceId=non_specific&localeId=en&countryId=gb&src=answer&questionId=bd56d978-bc9f-49b8-8668-aec13f07ee96&sig=58773cb69f994c056e478453e43cf70c116260a2728448bf724d5f409c8d4b08). Behavior change in response to the threat of losing control is not the same as accountability or real transformation. Genuine change is slow, sustained, and does not come with guilt trips about stomach pain or emotional crises designed to pressure you back into intimacy. His behavior has changed in how it looks on the surface, and not in its underlying pattern. You are allowed to feel confused by it and also trust what you know. Both of those things can be true at the same time. The guilt-tripping, especially the physical symptoms he ties to your behavior, is a manipulation tactic designed to put you in a caretaking role and make you feel responsible for his wellbeing. You are not responsible for his stomach. When he tries to make you responsible or creates an emotional crisis to pressure you, you are not obligated to respond, explain, or soothe. A phrase many survivors find useful in these moments is simply: "I hear that you're struggling. I'm not in a position to help with that right now." You do not owe him an argument, a defense, or a re-engagement. Choosing not to engage is not cruelty. It is a boundary. On navigating the separation safely: document everything. Keep a private record in a secure app or password-protected document noting incidents, dates, what was said, and how the children were affected. You do not need to do this perfectly. Even rough notes help. Consult with a family law attorney as soon as possible, ideally one with experience in domestic violence cases. The pattern you have described, including the sexual violations and physical intimidation of your children, is legally relevant, and an attorney can help you understand your options around protective orders, custody arrangements, and documentation. The [National Domestic Violence Hotline](https://community.ourwave.org/_external/link?url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.thehotline.org&resourceId=non_specific&localeId=en&countryId=gb&src=answer&questionId=bd56d978-bc9f-49b8-8668-aec13f07ee96&sig=a07ef691f9256bde25ebc89148dadb106ebba2ba7629f97e8144b69878c647d0) can also connect you with local advocates who can help you safety-plan the separation itself, often at no cost. For your own healing, consider looking into somatic therapies, meaning approaches that work through the body rather than just through talking. Two well-researched options are [Somatic Experiencing](https://community.ourwave.org/_external/link?url=https%3A%2F%2Ftraumahealing.org%2Fse-101%2F&resourceId=non_specific&localeId=en&countryId=gb&src=answer&questionId=bd56d978-bc9f-49b8-8668-aec13f07ee96&sig=adb67fea253e04bbaa74f049cca8b0567a1bb3479fc66d4340dfe40d47fce9c9) and [EMDR](https://community.ourwave.org/_external/link?url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.emdria.org%2Fabout-emdr-therapy%2F&resourceId=non_specific&localeId=en&countryId=gb&src=answer&questionId=bd56d978-bc9f-49b8-8668-aec13f07ee96&sig=8a5e97499e4f67cc6fa5ebdf5cf86abd489090d90077882ef3592ccf03327e4f) (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). Both are designed to help the nervous system process and release what it has been holding, including the kind of exhaustion and shutdown you are describing. A trauma-informed therapist who specializes in intimate partner violence will understand the specific complexity of what you are carrying. You have been doing this for 18 years. Your exhaustion is not a sign that you cannot do this. It is a sign of how long you have already been doing it. Thank you for trusting us with this. Random Question 1 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/i-am-seeking-advice-regarding-a-separation-from-my-husband-of-18-years-we-have-3-children-i-am-emotionally-exhausted-and-my-body-has-completely-shut-down-i-cannot-forgive-his-years-of-anger-and-abuse-924#comments) #### Just Checking... #### Discard Message? You have a comment in progress, are you sure you want to discard it? Cancel Discard ##### Similar community content Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Aenean commodo ligula eget dolor. Aenean massa. Cum sociis natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient montes, nascetur ridiculus mus. Donec quam felis, ultricies nec, pellentesque eu, pretium quis, sem. Nulla consequat massa quis enim. 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Zealand](/answer/i-am-seeking-advice-regarding-a-separation-from-my-husband-of-18-years-we-have-3-children-i-am-emotionally-exhausted-and-my-body-has-completely-shut-down-i-cannot-forgive-his-years-of-anger-and-abuse-924?country=nz)[\[Image: Panama\]Panama](/answer/i-am-seeking-advice-regarding-a-separation-from-my-husband-of-18-years-we-have-3-children-i-am-emotionally-exhausted-and-my-body-has-completely-shut-down-i-cannot-forgive-his-years-of-anger-and-abuse-924?country=pa)[\[Image: Paraguay\]Paraguay](/answer/i-am-seeking-advice-regarding-a-separation-from-my-husband-of-18-years-we-have-3-children-i-am-emotionally-exhausted-and-my-body-has-completely-shut-down-i-cannot-forgive-his-years-of-anger-and-abuse-924?country=py)[\[Image: Peru\]Peru](/answer/i-am-seeking-advice-regarding-a-separation-from-my-husband-of-18-years-we-have-3-children-i-am-emotionally-exhausted-and-my-body-has-completely-shut-down-i-cannot-forgive-his-years-of-anger-and-abuse-924?country=pe)[\[Image: Puerto Rico\]Puerto Rico](/answer/i-am-seeking-advice-regarding-a-separation-from-my-husband-of-18-years-we-have-3-children-i-am-emotionally-exhausted-and-my-body-has-completely-shut-down-i-cannot-forgive-his-years-of-anger-and-abuse-924?country=pr)[\[Image: Spain\]Spain](/answer/i-am-seeking-advice-regarding-a-separation-from-my-husband-of-18-years-we-have-3-children-i-am-emotionally-exhausted-and-my-body-has-completely-shut-down-i-cannot-forgive-his-years-of-anger-and-abuse-924?country=es)[\[Image: United Kingdom\]United Kingdom](/answer/i-am-seeking-advice-regarding-a-separation-from-my-husband-of-18-years-we-have-3-children-i-am-emotionally-exhausted-and-my-body-has-completely-shut-down-i-cannot-forgive-his-years-of-anger-and-abuse-924?country=gb)[\[Image: Uruguay\]Uruguay](/answer/i-am-seeking-advice-regarding-a-separation-from-my-husband-of-18-years-we-have-3-children-i-am-emotionally-exhausted-and-my-body-has-completely-shut-down-i-cannot-forgive-his-years-of-anger-and-abuse-924?country=uy)[\[Image: Venezuela\]Venezuela](/answer/i-am-seeking-advice-regarding-a-separation-from-my-husband-of-18-years-we-have-3-children-i-am-emotionally-exhausted-and-my-body-has-completely-shut-down-i-cannot-forgive-his-years-of-anger-and-abuse-924?country=ve) English [English](/en/answer/i-am-seeking-advice-regarding-a-separation-from-my-husband-of-18-years-we-have-3-children-i-am-emotionally-exhausted-and-my-body-has-completely-shut-down-i-cannot-forgive-his-years-of-anger-and-abuse-924)[Español](/es/answer/i-am-seeking-advice-regarding-a-separation-from-my-husband-of-18-years-we-have-3-children-i-am-emotionally-exhausted-and-my-body-has-completely-shut-down-i-cannot-forgive-his-years-of-anger-and-abuse-924)[日本語](/ja/answer/i-am-seeking-advice-regarding-a-separation-from-my-husband-of-18-years-we-have-3-children-i-am-emotionally-exhausted-and-my-body-has-completely-shut-down-i-cannot-forgive-his-years-of-anger-and-abuse-924) For immediate help, visit {{resource}} Made with in Raleigh, NC | Read our [Community Guidelines](https://www.ourwave.org/en/community-guidelines), [Privacy Policy](https://www.ourwave.org/en/privacy), and [Terms](https://www.ourwave.org/en/terms) | [ #### Resources ](/en/resources) ### Post a Message Share a message of 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Continue We will send you an email as soon as your message is posted, as well as send helpful resources and support. Post Please adhere to our [Community Guidelines](https://www.ourwave.org/en/community-guidelines) to help us keep Our Wave a safe space. All messages will be reviewed and identifying information removed before they are posted. ### Ask a Question Ask a question about survivorship or supporting survivors. Continue We will send you an email as soon as your question is answered, as well as send helpful resources and support. Submit ### How can we help? Tell us why you are reporting this content. Our moderation team will review your report shortly. Violence, hate, or exploitation Threats, hateful language, or sexual coercion Bullying or unwanted contact Harassment, intimidation, or persistent unwanted messages Scam, fraud, or impersonation Deceptive requests or claiming to be someone else False information Misleading claims or deliberate disinformation Submit ### Share Feedback Tell us what’s working (and what isn't) so we can keep improving. Submit ### Log in Enter the email you used to submit to Our Wave and we'll send you a magic link to access your profile. Send link Grounding activity Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud: 5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window) 4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?) 3 – things you can hear 2 – things you can smell 1 – thing you like about yourself. Take a deep breath to end. From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at. Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one). Take a deep breath to end. Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud: 1\. Where am I? 2\. What day of the week is today? 3\. What is today’s date? 4\. What is the current month? 5\. What is the current year? 6\. How old am I? 7\. What season is it? Take a deep breath to end. Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder. Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud. Take a deep breath to end. Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment. Take a deep breath to end. Try another grounding activity I feel grounded and ready