--- title: I'm a survivor of sexual assault, and afterward I decided to invite someone I liked into bed with me, because I wanted my first consensual experience to be mine, on my own terms. He was kind, patient, and good to me. I'm Greek Orthodox, and I know the church teaches that sex before marriage is wrong, but I don't feel guilty about my choice. I think part of why I did it was that I didn't want to spend years afraid my first real experience of intimacy would be something I didn't choose. I know the assault wasn't my fault, and I've done some therapy and I'm going back. Was that a healthy decision to make? ~ Our Wave Community description:

Thank you for sharing something this personal and this layered. What comes through in your words is a kind of quiet clarity that is worth pausing on. It... url: https://community.ourwave.org/en/answer/i-am-a-survivor-of-sexual-assault-and-i-invited-someone-to-bed-with-me-because-i-liked-them-and-i-decided-they-were-the-one-i-wanted-to-have-my-first-time-with-they-were-very-good-to-me-and-kind-and-p-957.md --- {{customAnalyticsScripts}} [\[Image: Our Wave Logo\]\[Image: Our Wave Logo\]](/en/) [ Community ](/en/)[ Questions & Answers ](/en/learn)[ Find Support ](/en/resources) Share story Post a message 0 Users 0 Views 0 Reactions 0 Stories read ##### Need to take a break? 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Send it to us 🇺🇸 # I'm a survivor of sexual assault, and afterward I decided to invite someone I liked into bed with me, because I wanted my first consensual experience to be mine, on my own terms. He was kind, patient, and good to me. I'm Greek Orthodox, and I know the church teaches that sex before marriage is wrong, but I don't feel guilty about my choice. I think part of why I did it was that I didn't want to spend years afraid my first real experience of intimacy would be something I didn't choose. I know the assault wasn't my fault, and I've done some therapy and I'm going back. Was that a healthy decision to make? \[Image: Dr. Laura\] Answer by **Dr. Laura** PhD Mental Health Nurse & Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner Topics:[Making sense of adult experiences](/en/learn?tags=making-sense-of-adult-experiences) Thank you for sharing something this personal and this layered. What comes through in your words is a kind of quiet clarity that is worth pausing on. It sounds like you thought carefully about what you wanted. You chose someone who treated you with care and patience. You made a deliberate decision rooted in your own understanding of your needs and your history. The fact that you can put all of it into words so clearly (the assault, the reclaiming, the faith, the absence of guilt, the desire to understand your own choice) speaks to someone who has done genuine work on themselves. To answer your question, from my point of view, yes, what you did sounds like a healthy decision. You identified someone you trusted and liked. You were treated with kindness and patience. You felt no pressure or coercion. You have reflected on your motivations with honesty and self-awareness. Those are the signs of a decision made from a place of agency, which means acting from your own free will and sense of self, not from fear or compulsion. Agency is exactly what sexual assault tries to take from a person. You reached out and took yours back. What you described has a name in trauma research, though you arrived at it on your own. Reclaiming is the word many survivors and clinicians use for the process of returning to something that was taken or distorted by harm, and doing it on your own terms. Your first experience of intimate physical contact was not yours. It was done to you. The desire to have something that was genuinely yours, a first time chosen rather than imposed, is a completely understandable and psychologically coherent response to what you survived. Many survivors describe something similar: a need to reassert that their body is their own, and that it is capable of being a source of connection and pleasure rather than only harm. It sounds like you were not running from fear. You were moving toward something you wanted, with someone you trusted, with your eyes open. On the tension you named with your faith...that is yours and only yours to hold. Your relationship with God, your tradition, and your own conscience is personal. You clearly take your faith seriously, and you clearly took this decision seriously. Perhaps the absence of guilt is worth paying attention to. Many people of deep faith, including within Orthodox Christianity, understand the moral weight of decisions differently when those decisions are made in the context of trauma, healing, and genuine human connection. That does not mean your faith is irrelevant to your healing and it does not mean you have to resolve this tension quickly or completely. You are allowed to hold both things, your love for your tradition and your peace about this choice, without forcing them into agreement right now. If and when you feel ready, a priest or spiritual director you trust might be someone worth talking with. Not because you owe anyone anything, but because integrating your spiritual life with your healing life can be a real source of grounding for some. The fact that you are returning to therapy is important. Going back to that space, especially after you have already done some of this work, often allows for a different and deeper kind of engagement. You might find it helpful to bring exactly what you shared here, not just the event, and also your reasoning, your motivations, the faith questions, and whatever else continues to surface. If your therapist has experience with both sexual trauma and faith-based identity, that intersection is specific enough that having someone who understands both can make a real difference. In summary, it sounds like you knew what you needed. You found someone safe to trust with it. You were treated with kindness. And you came out of it without shame, which for a survivor of sexual assault is not a given and is not nothing. That is actually quite a lot. We are glad you are here and we are glad you asked. 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Nicaragua\]Nicaragua](/answer/i-am-a-survivor-of-sexual-assault-and-i-invited-someone-to-bed-with-me-because-i-liked-them-and-i-decided-they-were-the-one-i-wanted-to-have-my-first-time-with-they-were-very-good-to-me-and-kind-and-p-957?country=ni)[\[Image: New Zealand\]New Zealand](/answer/i-am-a-survivor-of-sexual-assault-and-i-invited-someone-to-bed-with-me-because-i-liked-them-and-i-decided-they-were-the-one-i-wanted-to-have-my-first-time-with-they-were-very-good-to-me-and-kind-and-p-957?country=nz)[\[Image: Panama\]Panama](/answer/i-am-a-survivor-of-sexual-assault-and-i-invited-someone-to-bed-with-me-because-i-liked-them-and-i-decided-they-were-the-one-i-wanted-to-have-my-first-time-with-they-were-very-good-to-me-and-kind-and-p-957?country=pa)[\[Image: Peru\]Peru](/answer/i-am-a-survivor-of-sexual-assault-and-i-invited-someone-to-bed-with-me-because-i-liked-them-and-i-decided-they-were-the-one-i-wanted-to-have-my-first-time-with-they-were-very-good-to-me-and-kind-and-p-957?country=pe)[\[Image: Puerto Rico\]Puerto Rico](/answer/i-am-a-survivor-of-sexual-assault-and-i-invited-someone-to-bed-with-me-because-i-liked-them-and-i-decided-they-were-the-one-i-wanted-to-have-my-first-time-with-they-were-very-good-to-me-and-kind-and-p-957?country=pr)[\[Image: Spain\]Spain](/answer/i-am-a-survivor-of-sexual-assault-and-i-invited-someone-to-bed-with-me-because-i-liked-them-and-i-decided-they-were-the-one-i-wanted-to-have-my-first-time-with-they-were-very-good-to-me-and-kind-and-p-957?country=es)[\[Image: United Kingdom\]United Kingdom](/answer/i-am-a-survivor-of-sexual-assault-and-i-invited-someone-to-bed-with-me-because-i-liked-them-and-i-decided-they-were-the-one-i-wanted-to-have-my-first-time-with-they-were-very-good-to-me-and-kind-and-p-957?country=gb)[\[Image: Uruguay\]Uruguay](/answer/i-am-a-survivor-of-sexual-assault-and-i-invited-someone-to-bed-with-me-because-i-liked-them-and-i-decided-they-were-the-one-i-wanted-to-have-my-first-time-with-they-were-very-good-to-me-and-kind-and-p-957?country=uy)[\[Image: Venezuela\]Venezuela](/answer/i-am-a-survivor-of-sexual-assault-and-i-invited-someone-to-bed-with-me-because-i-liked-them-and-i-decided-they-were-the-one-i-wanted-to-have-my-first-time-with-they-were-very-good-to-me-and-kind-and-p-957?country=ve) English [English](/en/answer/i-am-a-survivor-of-sexual-assault-and-i-invited-someone-to-bed-with-me-because-i-liked-them-and-i-decided-they-were-the-one-i-wanted-to-have-my-first-time-with-they-were-very-good-to-me-and-kind-and-p-957)[Español](/es/answer/i-am-a-survivor-of-sexual-assault-and-i-invited-someone-to-bed-with-me-because-i-liked-them-and-i-decided-they-were-the-one-i-wanted-to-have-my-first-time-with-they-were-very-good-to-me-and-kind-and-p-957)[日本語](/ja/answer/i-am-a-survivor-of-sexual-assault-and-i-invited-someone-to-bed-with-me-because-i-liked-them-and-i-decided-they-were-the-one-i-wanted-to-have-my-first-time-with-they-were-very-good-to-me-and-kind-and-p-957) For immediate help, visit {{resource}} Made with in Raleigh, NC | Read our [Community Guidelines](https://www.ourwave.org/en/community-guidelines), [Privacy Policy](https://www.ourwave.org/en/privacy), and [Terms](https://www.ourwave.org/en/terms) | [ #### Resources ](/en/resources) ### Post a Message Share a message of 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Continue We will send you an email as soon as your message is posted, as well as send helpful resources and support. Post Please adhere to our [Community Guidelines](https://www.ourwave.org/en/community-guidelines) to help us keep Our Wave a safe space. All messages will be reviewed and identifying information removed before they are posted. ### Ask a Question Ask a question about survivorship or supporting survivors. Continue We will send you an email as soon as your question is answered, as well as send helpful resources and support. Submit ### How can we help? Tell us why you are reporting this content. Our moderation team will review your report shortly. Violence, hate, or exploitation Threats, hateful language, or sexual coercion Bullying or unwanted contact Harassment, intimidation, or persistent unwanted messages Scam, fraud, or impersonation Deceptive requests or claiming to be someone else False information Misleading claims or deliberate disinformation Submit ### Share Feedback Tell us what’s working (and what isn't) so we can keep improving. Submit ### Log in Enter the email you used to submit to Our Wave and we'll send you a magic link to access your profile. Send link Grounding activity Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud: 5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window) 4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?) 3 – things you can hear 2 – things you can smell 1 – thing you like about yourself. Take a deep breath to end. From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at. Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one). Take a deep breath to end. Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud: 1\. Where am I? 2\. What day of the week is today? 3\. What is today’s date? 4\. What is the current month? 5\. What is the current year? 6\. How old am I? 7\. What season is it? Take a deep breath to end. Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder. Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud. Take a deep breath to end. Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment. Take a deep breath to end. Try another grounding activity I feel grounded and ready