---
title: I'm a man in my 30s and I was a perpetrator of COCSA as a child. I've been confronting this for the first time over the past five months, and aside from a therapist I've been completely alone in it. It has been hell. The bone-deep shame that other perpetrators describe here resonates deeply with me. But I'm emotionally burnt out at this point, and I have a major decision coming this summer. I'm trying to decide whether or not to talk directly to the person I hurt about what happened. I welcome any advice and caution. ~ Our Wave Community
description: <p>Thank you for reaching out to us. What you are carrying right now is real and the fact that you are five months into this work and still standing is not...
url: https://community.ourwave.org/en/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930.md
---

{{customAnalyticsScripts}}

[\[Image: Our Wave Logo\]\[Image: Our Wave Logo\]](/en/)

[

Community

](/en/)[

Questions & Answers

](/en/learn)[

Find Support

](/en/resources)

Share story

Post a message

0

Users

0

Views

0

Reactions

0

Stories read

##### Need to take a break?

Try a grounding activity

For immediate help, visit {{resource}}

Show resources for

\[Image: United States\]United States

[\[Image: Argentina\]Argentina](/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930?country=ar)[\[Image: Australia\]Australia](/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930?country=au)[\[Image: Bolivia\]Bolivia](/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930?country=bo)[\[Image: Canada\]Canada](/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930?country=ca)[\[Image: Chile\]Chile](/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930?country=cl)[\[Image: Colombia\]Colombia](/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930?country=co)[\[Image: Costa Rica\]Costa Rica](/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930?country=cr)[\[Image: Cuba\]Cuba](/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930?country=cu)[\[Image: Dominican Republic\]Dominican Republic](/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930?country=do)[\[Image: Ecuador\]Ecuador](/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930?country=ec)[\[Image: El Salvador\]El Salvador](/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930?country=sv)[\[Image: Equatorial Guinea\]Equatorial Guinea](/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930?country=gq)[\[Image: Guatemala\]Guatemala](/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930?country=gt)[\[Image: Honduras\]Honduras](/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930?country=hn)[\[Image: Ireland\]Ireland](/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930?country=ie)[\[Image: Japan\]Japan](/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930?country=jp)[\[Image: Mexico\]Mexico](/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930?country=mx)[\[Image: Nicaragua\]Nicaragua](/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930?country=ni)[\[Image: New Zealand\]New Zealand](/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930?country=nz)[\[Image: Panama\]Panama](/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930?country=pa)[\[Image: Paraguay\]Paraguay](/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930?country=py)[\[Image: Peru\]Peru](/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930?country=pe)[\[Image: Puerto Rico\]Puerto Rico](/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930?country=pr)[\[Image: Spain\]Spain](/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930?country=es)[\[Image: United Kingdom\]United Kingdom](/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930?country=gb)[\[Image: Uruguay\]Uruguay](/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930?country=uy)[\[Image: Venezuela\]Venezuela](/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930?country=ve)

English

[English](/en/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930)[Español](/es/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930)[日本語](/ja/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930)

[

About Us

](https://www.ourwave.org/en/who-we-are)

Made with in Raleigh, NC

Read our [Community Guidelines](https://www.ourwave.org/en/community-guidelines), [Privacy Policy](https://www.ourwave.org/en/privacy), and [Terms](https://www.ourwave.org/en/terms)

Have feedback? Send it to us

🇺🇸

# I'm a man in my 30s and I was a perpetrator of COCSA as a child. I've been confronting this for the first time over the past five months, and aside from a therapist I've been completely alone in it. It has been hell. The bone-deep shame that other perpetrators describe here resonates deeply with me. But I'm emotionally burnt out at this point, and I have a major decision coming this summer. I'm trying to decide whether or not to talk directly to the person I hurt about what happened. I welcome any advice and caution.

\[Image: Dr. Laura\]

Answer by **Dr. Laura**

PhD Mental Health Nurse & Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner

Topics:[Making sense of childhood experiences](/en/learn?tags=making-sense-of-childhood-experiences)

Thank you for reaching out to us. What you are carrying right now is real and the fact that you are five months into this work and still standing is not nothing. Emotional burnout in this process is not a sign that something is wrong with you. It is a sign that you have been doing something genuinely hard without much support around you.

So let's talk about the decision you are approaching...

[Restorative justice practitioners and trauma researchers](https://community.ourwave.org/_external/link?url=https%3A%2F%2Frestorativejustice.org.uk%2Frestorative-justice-and-sexual-harm&resourceId=non_specific&localeId=en&countryId=us&src=answer&questionId=6cd3e51b-b14b-4ac6-8d7f-ba251140ccba&sig=98b623831a0844376e919a77a2a963c55322a4e5144ad56b069047b647cbbdf1) have learned over decades that when the person who caused harm reaches out first, without being invited to, it can hurt the survivor all over again, even when the intention is genuine. The person you hurt may have spent years building a life where this does not take up space every day. They may not have ever named what happened as abuse. They may know exactly what it was and have made a deliberate choice not to go back there. Whatever the case, reaching out puts them in a position they did not ask to be in, and takes away their choice about whether to engage with this at all.

None of that means a conversation can never have a place. Some survivors of COCSA have described receiving an acknowledgment from the person who harmed them as meaningful years later. But the critical difference in those situations is almost always the same. The disclosure was structured so that the survivor had genuine choice about whether to engage. A letter they can put down, read later, or never open is structurally different from a phone call or an in-person conversation where they are suddenly required to respond in real time to something they were not expecting. The format of disclosure matters as much as the content.

Something worth doing before any decision about contact is to write a letter you do not send, at least not yet. Write it as if you were going to send it. Name what happened clearly, take full responsibility without minimizing or explaining it away, and ask for nothing. [The act of writing it](https://community.ourwave.org/_external/link?url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.bps.org.uk%2Fpsychologist%2Fhow-unsent-letters-helped-me-find-words&resourceId=non_specific&localeId=en&countryId=us&src=answer&questionId=6cd3e51b-b14b-4ac6-8d7f-ba251140ccba&sig=674e1f74d1c5f2a60042d2355af46952d160139132d75087389e7a2980f22368) often reveals something important: whether what you are really reaching for is honesty with the person you hurt, or relief from your own weight. Both are human impulses. Only one of them belongs in a decision about contact. Decades of research on [expressive writing](https://community.ourwave.org/_external/link?url=https%3A%2F%2Fblog.changecompanies.net%2Fjames-pennebaker-expressive-writing&resourceId=non_specific&localeId=en&countryId=us&src=answer&questionId=6cd3e51b-b14b-4ac6-8d7f-ba251140ccba&sig=e3e23de63c8ac99ffb5009f9f889aed0e8637d3a23de554868fc2eb8226e0440) show that putting difficult experiences into words on the page, without any audience, does significant internal work on its own.

The other thing I want to name honestly is where you are right now. Five months in, emotionally depleted, still largely alone in this. Making a significant decision from a place of depletion carries real risk, not because your intentions are wrong, but because exhaustion can blur the line between what is right for them and what would bring relief to you. Before summer, bring this specific decision, not just your general processing, directly into your therapy. Ask your therapist to work through it explicitly, including the format, the timing, and what you would do if the response is anger, silence, or nothing at all.

One more resource worth knowing about: [Stop It Now](https://community.ourwave.org/_external/link?url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.stopitnow.org&resourceId=non_specific&localeId=en&countryId=us&src=answer&questionId=6cd3e51b-b14b-4ac6-8d7f-ba251140ccba&sig=2050d0b327c654cb0a7d7ff8c7717984487e9a763cb314d06189e0932fa88d95) runs a confidential helpline at 1-888-PREVENT, staffed by people with experience in exactly this kind of decision. You have been carrying this mostly alone, and that is a lot to sustain. They exist for people in your situation.

You are doing hard, necessary work. Take the time it deserves. Thank you for thinking so deeply about this.

Random Question

0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s)

[

0 Comment(s) Comment(s)

](/en/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930#comments)

### Discard message?

You have a comment in progress, are you sure you want to discard it?

Cancel

Discard

##### Similar community content

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Aenean commodo ligula eget dolor. Aenean massa. Cum sociis natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient montes, nascetur ridiculus mus. Donec quam felis, ultricies nec, pellentesque eu, pretium quis, sem. Nulla consequat massa quis enim. Donec pede justo, fringilla vel, aliquet nec, vulputate

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Aenean commodo ligula eget dolor. Aenean massa. Cum sociis natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient montes, nascetur ridiculus mus. Donec quam felis, ultricies nec, pellentesque eu, pretium quis, sem. Nulla consequat massa quis enim. Donec pede justo, fringilla vel, aliquet nec, vulputate

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Aenean commodo ligula eget dolor. Aenean massa. Cum sociis natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient montes, nascetur ridiculus mus. Donec quam felis, ultricies nec, pellentesque eu, pretium quis, sem. Nulla consequat massa quis enim. Donec pede justo, fringilla vel, aliquet nec, vulputate

0

Users

0

Views

0

Reactions

0

Stories read

##### Need to take a break?

Try a grounding activity

For immediate help, visit {{resource}}

Show resources for

\[Image: United States\]United States

[\[Image: Argentina\]Argentina](/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930?country=ar)[\[Image: Australia\]Australia](/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930?country=au)[\[Image: Bolivia\]Bolivia](/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930?country=bo)[\[Image: Canada\]Canada](/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930?country=ca)[\[Image: Chile\]Chile](/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930?country=cl)[\[Image: Colombia\]Colombia](/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930?country=co)[\[Image: Costa Rica\]Costa Rica](/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930?country=cr)[\[Image: Cuba\]Cuba](/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930?country=cu)[\[Image: Dominican Republic\]Dominican Republic](/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930?country=do)[\[Image: Ecuador\]Ecuador](/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930?country=ec)[\[Image: El Salvador\]El Salvador](/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930?country=sv)[\[Image: Equatorial Guinea\]Equatorial Guinea](/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930?country=gq)[\[Image: Guatemala\]Guatemala](/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930?country=gt)[\[Image: Honduras\]Honduras](/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930?country=hn)[\[Image: Ireland\]Ireland](/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930?country=ie)[\[Image: Japan\]Japan](/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930?country=jp)[\[Image: Mexico\]Mexico](/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930?country=mx)[\[Image: Nicaragua\]Nicaragua](/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930?country=ni)[\[Image: New Zealand\]New Zealand](/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930?country=nz)[\[Image: Panama\]Panama](/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930?country=pa)[\[Image: Paraguay\]Paraguay](/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930?country=py)[\[Image: Peru\]Peru](/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930?country=pe)[\[Image: Puerto Rico\]Puerto Rico](/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930?country=pr)[\[Image: Spain\]Spain](/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930?country=es)[\[Image: United Kingdom\]United Kingdom](/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930?country=gb)[\[Image: Uruguay\]Uruguay](/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930?country=uy)[\[Image: Venezuela\]Venezuela](/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930?country=ve)

English

[English](/en/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930)[Español](/es/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930)[日本語](/ja/answer/i-am-a-man-in-my-30s-and-a-perpetrator-of-cocsa-ive-been-confronting-it-for-the-first-time-over-the-last-5-months-apart-from-a-therapist-ive-been-alone-and-its-been-hell-the-raw-emotions-i-see-posted-930)

For immediate help, visit {{resource}}

Made with in Raleigh, NC

|

Read our [Community Guidelines](https://www.ourwave.org/en/community-guidelines), [Privacy Policy](https://www.ourwave.org/en/privacy), and [Terms](https://www.ourwave.org/en/terms)

|

[

#### Resources

](/en/resources)

### Post a Message

Share a message of support with the community.

Continue

We will send you an email as soon as your message is posted, as well as send helpful resources and support.

Post

Please adhere to our [Community Guidelines](https://www.ourwave.org/en/community-guidelines) to help us keep Our Wave a safe space. All messages will be reviewed and identifying information removed before they are posted.

### Ask a Question

Ask a question about survivorship or supporting survivors.

Continue

We will send you an email as soon as your question is answered, as well as send helpful resources and support.

Submit

### How can we help?

Tell us why you are reporting this content. Our moderation team will review your report shortly.

Violence, hate, or exploitation

Threats, hateful language, or sexual coercion

Bullying or unwanted contact

Harassment, intimidation, or persistent unwanted messages

Scam, fraud, or impersonation

Deceptive requests or claiming to be someone else

False information

Misleading claims or deliberate disinformation

Submit

### Share Feedback

Tell us what’s working (and what isn't) so we can keep improving.

Submit

### Log in

Enter the email you used to submit to Our Wave and we'll send you a magic link to access your profile.

Send link

Grounding activity

Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud:

5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window)

4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?)

3 – things you can hear

2 – things you can smell

1 – thing you like about yourself.

Take a deep breath to end.

From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at.

Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one).

Take a deep breath to end.

Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud:

1\. Where am I?

2\. What day of the week is today?

3\. What is today’s date?

4\. What is the current month?

5\. What is the current year?

6\. How old am I?

7\. What season is it?

Take a deep breath to end.

Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder.

Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud.

Take a deep breath to end.

Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment.

Take a deep breath to end.

Try another grounding activity

I feel grounded and ready