--- title: How do I deal with a close friend who sexually assaulted me? On two occasions a few years ago, he didn’t ask for consent, and I went along with it because I didn’t feel safe saying no. I didn’t think it would happen a second time. At the time, I dismissed it and told myself I just wouldn’t go to his house again, but that we could stay close friends. Earlier this year, we had an unrelated argument that brought out anger in me, and the memories of the assault came back. I can’t dismiss it anymore. I haven’t spoken to him in months because I’ve been avoiding the conversation, and now he’s left me a message saying the uncertainty is hurting him. I have no clue what to say. How should I respond? ~ Our Wave Community description:

Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not overreacting, and you are not late. Feelings about sexual assault can surface on their own timeline, and... url: https://community.ourwave.org/en/answer/how-do-i-deal-with-a-close-friend-who-sexually-assaulted-me-i-dont-know-if-hes-aware-of-his-actions-he-didnt-ask-for-consent-and-i-went-along-with-it-on-two-occasions-because-i-didnt-feel-safe-saying-974.md --- {{customAnalyticsScripts}} [\[Image: Our Wave Logo\]\[Image: Our Wave Logo\]](/en/) [ Community ](/en/)[ Questions & Answers ](/en/learn)[ Find Support ](/en/resources) Share story Post a message 0 Users 0 Views 0 Reactions 0 Stories read ##### Need to take a break? 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Send it to us 🇦🇺 # How do I deal with a close friend who sexually assaulted me? On two occasions a few years ago, he didn’t ask for consent, and I went along with it because I didn’t feel safe saying no. I didn’t think it would happen a second time. At the time, I dismissed it and told myself I just wouldn’t go to his house again, but that we could stay close friends. Earlier this year, we had an unrelated argument that brought out anger in me, and the memories of the assault came back. I can’t dismiss it anymore. I haven’t spoken to him in months because I’ve been avoiding the conversation, and now he’s left me a message saying the uncertainty is hurting him. I have no clue what to say. How should I respond? \[Image: Dr. Laura\] Answer by **Dr. Laura** PhD Mental Health Nurse & Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner Topics:[Making sense of adult experiences](/en/learn?tags=making-sense-of-adult-experiences) Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not overreacting, and you are not late. Feelings about sexual assault can surface on their own timeline, and there is no deadline for when you're "supposed" to be affected. You said you went along with it because you didn't feel safe saying no. That response is very common, and it says nothing about what you wanted. When our brains sense threat, they often choose whatever response seems most likely to keep us safe in that moment, and sometimes that means going along with something, staying quiet, or freezing. These are survival responses, not choices made freely. Not saying no is not the same as saying yes. Consent means a person freely and willingly agrees, and that can't happen when someone doesn't feel safe enough to refuse. You also said you didn't think it would happen a second time. That reflects the trust you had in him. It is not a failure on your part. It makes a lot of sense that you dismissed it at the time and found a way to keep the friendship by deciding not to go back to his house. Many survivors do this, especially when the person who hurt them is someone they care about. Setting something aside can be a way to keep functioning, keep the relationship, and keep the peace when facing the full weight of it feels like too much. That isn't weakness. It's your mind protecting you in the only way it could at the time. It's also very common for those feelings and memories to return later, sometimes years later, when something stirs them up. An argument that brought out anger in you could easily have opened a door that had been closed for a long time. Not being able to dismiss it anymore doesn't mean you're making too much of something old. It may mean you finally have enough space and distance to look at what happened. You mentioned not knowing whether he's aware of his actions. Many survivors wonder about this, and it can be painful to sit with. People who cause harm don't always see it as harm, and he may have told himself a different story about what happened. At the same time, not knowing is not the same as not causing an impact. You didn't feel safe saying no, and that tells you something important about what was happening between you, regardless of what was going on in his mind. His intentions don't decide your experience, and it isn't your responsibility to educate him or manage how he understands his own behavior. Hearing that the uncertainty is hurting him may bring up guilt or pressure to answer right away. His feelings are real to him, but his discomfort doesn't create an obligation for you to explain yourself, comfort him, or resolve his feelings before your own. In many ways, you've been protecting him from a hard conversation for months while carrying the weight of what happened on your own. You are allowed to take the time you need. The fact that you're wondering what to say suggests some part of you is thinking about whether and how to address this. There's no single right answer, and your options exist on a spectrum. You could choose not to respond, and let the friendship pause or end without an explanation. That is a legitimate choice, especially if engaging would cost you more than it gives you. You could send a short message that holds a boundary without going into detail, something like, "I need more time and space. I'm not ready to talk yet, and I don't know when I will be." That is enough on its own. You don't owe him the reason. Or, if and when you feel ready and safe, you could choose to name what happened, either in writing, which lets you choose your words without being put on the spot, or in person in a setting where you feel safe and supported. Some survivors do this not to repair the friendship or to get a particular response, but simply to say out loud what is true. If you go this route, it can help to prepare for the possibility that he responds with defensiveness or denial rather than understanding. Some people find meaning in speaking directly to the person who harmed them, while others find that peace comes from within rather than from the other person's acknowledgment. Neither path is wrong, and you can change course over time. You don't have to work through this alone. A trauma-informed therapist, meaning someone specifically trained to work with survivors, can help you sort through your feelings, practice what you might want to say, and process whatever comes after. You can also read and reflect in our community here, where others have shared experiences that may help you feel less alone in this particular kind of complexity. Not being able to dismiss this anymore isn't a setback. It's your own sense of truth asking to be honored. Choosing to sit with what happened instead of setting it aside again takes courage, even if it doesn't feel that way from the inside. Whatever you decide to say to him, or not say, your wellbeing comes first and you get to move at your own pace. 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Guatemala\]Guatemala](/en/answer/how-do-i-deal-with-a-close-friend-who-sexually-assaulted-me-i-dont-know-if-hes-aware-of-his-actions-he-didnt-ask-for-consent-and-i-went-along-with-it-on-two-occasions-because-i-didnt-feel-safe-saying-974?country=gt)[\[Image: Honduras\]Honduras](/en/answer/how-do-i-deal-with-a-close-friend-who-sexually-assaulted-me-i-dont-know-if-hes-aware-of-his-actions-he-didnt-ask-for-consent-and-i-went-along-with-it-on-two-occasions-because-i-didnt-feel-safe-saying-974?country=hn)[\[Image: Ireland\]Ireland](/en/answer/how-do-i-deal-with-a-close-friend-who-sexually-assaulted-me-i-dont-know-if-hes-aware-of-his-actions-he-didnt-ask-for-consent-and-i-went-along-with-it-on-two-occasions-because-i-didnt-feel-safe-saying-974?country=ie)[\[Image: 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Zealand](/en/answer/how-do-i-deal-with-a-close-friend-who-sexually-assaulted-me-i-dont-know-if-hes-aware-of-his-actions-he-didnt-ask-for-consent-and-i-went-along-with-it-on-two-occasions-because-i-didnt-feel-safe-saying-974?country=nz)[\[Image: Panama\]Panama](/en/answer/how-do-i-deal-with-a-close-friend-who-sexually-assaulted-me-i-dont-know-if-hes-aware-of-his-actions-he-didnt-ask-for-consent-and-i-went-along-with-it-on-two-occasions-because-i-didnt-feel-safe-saying-974?country=pa)[\[Image: Paraguay\]Paraguay](/en/answer/how-do-i-deal-with-a-close-friend-who-sexually-assaulted-me-i-dont-know-if-hes-aware-of-his-actions-he-didnt-ask-for-consent-and-i-went-along-with-it-on-two-occasions-because-i-didnt-feel-safe-saying-974?country=py)[\[Image: Peru\]Peru](/en/answer/how-do-i-deal-with-a-close-friend-who-sexually-assaulted-me-i-dont-know-if-hes-aware-of-his-actions-he-didnt-ask-for-consent-and-i-went-along-with-it-on-two-occasions-because-i-didnt-feel-safe-saying-974?country=pe)[\[Image: Puerto Rico\]Puerto Rico](/en/answer/how-do-i-deal-with-a-close-friend-who-sexually-assaulted-me-i-dont-know-if-hes-aware-of-his-actions-he-didnt-ask-for-consent-and-i-went-along-with-it-on-two-occasions-because-i-didnt-feel-safe-saying-974?country=pr)[\[Image: Spain\]Spain](/en/answer/how-do-i-deal-with-a-close-friend-who-sexually-assaulted-me-i-dont-know-if-hes-aware-of-his-actions-he-didnt-ask-for-consent-and-i-went-along-with-it-on-two-occasions-because-i-didnt-feel-safe-saying-974?country=es)[\[Image: United Kingdom\]United Kingdom](/en/answer/how-do-i-deal-with-a-close-friend-who-sexually-assaulted-me-i-dont-know-if-hes-aware-of-his-actions-he-didnt-ask-for-consent-and-i-went-along-with-it-on-two-occasions-because-i-didnt-feel-safe-saying-974?country=gb)[\[Image: Uruguay\]Uruguay](/en/answer/how-do-i-deal-with-a-close-friend-who-sexually-assaulted-me-i-dont-know-if-hes-aware-of-his-actions-he-didnt-ask-for-consent-and-i-went-along-with-it-on-two-occasions-because-i-didnt-feel-safe-saying-974?country=uy)[\[Image: Venezuela\]Venezuela](/en/answer/how-do-i-deal-with-a-close-friend-who-sexually-assaulted-me-i-dont-know-if-hes-aware-of-his-actions-he-didnt-ask-for-consent-and-i-went-along-with-it-on-two-occasions-because-i-didnt-feel-safe-saying-974?country=ve) English [English](/en/answer/how-do-i-deal-with-a-close-friend-who-sexually-assaulted-me-i-dont-know-if-hes-aware-of-his-actions-he-didnt-ask-for-consent-and-i-went-along-with-it-on-two-occasions-because-i-didnt-feel-safe-saying-974)[Español](/es/answer/how-do-i-deal-with-a-close-friend-who-sexually-assaulted-me-i-dont-know-if-hes-aware-of-his-actions-he-didnt-ask-for-consent-and-i-went-along-with-it-on-two-occasions-because-i-didnt-feel-safe-saying-974)[日本語](/ja/answer/how-do-i-deal-with-a-close-friend-who-sexually-assaulted-me-i-dont-know-if-hes-aware-of-his-actions-he-didnt-ask-for-consent-and-i-went-along-with-it-on-two-occasions-because-i-didnt-feel-safe-saying-974) For immediate help, visit {{resource}} Made with in Raleigh, NC | Read our [Community Guidelines](https://www.ourwave.org/en/community-guidelines), [Privacy Policy](https://www.ourwave.org/en/privacy), and [Terms](https://www.ourwave.org/en/terms) | [ #### Resources ](/en/resources) ### Post a Message Share a message of 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Continue We will send you an email as soon as your message is posted, as well as send helpful resources and support. Post Please adhere to our [Community Guidelines](https://www.ourwave.org/en/community-guidelines) to help us keep Our Wave a safe space. All messages will be reviewed and identifying information removed before they are posted. ### Ask a Question Ask a question about survivorship or supporting survivors. Continue We will send you an email as soon as your question is answered, as well as send helpful resources and support. Submit ### How can we help? Tell us why you are reporting this content. Our moderation team will review your report shortly. Violence, hate, or exploitation Threats, hateful language, or sexual coercion Bullying or unwanted contact Harassment, intimidation, or persistent unwanted messages Scam, fraud, or impersonation Deceptive requests or claiming to be someone else False information Misleading claims or deliberate disinformation Submit ### Share Feedback Tell us what’s working (and what isn't) so we can keep improving. Submit ### Log in Enter the email you used to submit to Our Wave and we'll send you a magic link to access your profile. Send link Grounding activity Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud: 5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window) 4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?) 3 – things you can hear 2 – things you can smell 1 – thing you like about yourself. Take a deep breath to end. From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at. Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one). Take a deep breath to end. Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud: 1\. Where am I? 2\. What day of the week is today? 3\. What is today’s date? 4\. What is the current month? 5\. What is the current year? 6\. How old am I? 7\. What season is it? Take a deep breath to end. Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder. Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud. Take a deep breath to end. Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment. Take a deep breath to end. Try another grounding activity I feel grounded and ready