---
title: For a long time, I was afraid to have kids. I used to think, "What if I am like them?" I don't want to harm anyone—that was a battle into my late 20s. My kids are now 14 and 17, and I'm so proud of them just being able to be kids. How do you tell your children your story? And how do you stop the verbal abuse from replaying in your mind at times when you weren't even thinking about it? Something on TV triggers a memory, and now you're just stuck. It's triggers everywhere, and every day I'm apologizing to my younger self because she didn't deserve any of that. ~ Our Wave Community
description: <p>Thank you for reaching out to us with this. First, I want to acknowledge the incredible strength it takes to break cycles and create a different experience...
url: https://community.ourwave.org/en/answer/for-a-long-time-i-was-afraid-to-have-kids-i-used-to-think-what-if-i-am-like-them-i-dont-want-to-harm-anyonethat-was-a-battle-into-my-late-20s-my-kids-are-now-14-and-17-and-im-so-proud-of-them-just-bei.md
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# For a long time, I was afraid to have kids. I used to think, "What if I am like them?" I don't want to harm anyone—that was a battle into my late 20s. My kids are now 14 and 17, and I'm so proud of them just being able to be kids. How do you tell your children your story? And how do you stop the verbal abuse from replaying in your mind at times when you weren't even thinking about it? Something on TV triggers a memory, and now you're just stuck. It's triggers everywhere, and every day I'm apologizing to my younger self because she didn't deserve any of that.

\[Image: Dr. Laura\]

Answer by **Dr. Laura**

PhD Mental Health Nurse & Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner

Topics:[Managing emotions and how you feel in your body](/en/learn?tags=managing-emotions-and-how-you-feel-in-your-body)[Sharing your story with others](/en/learn?tags=sharing-your-story-with-others)

Thank you for reaching out to us with this. First, I want to acknowledge the incredible strength it takes to break cycles and create a different experience for your children. Your pride in simply allowing your kids to experience their own uncomplicated childhoods is a testament to how deeply you value their safety and happiness, and that love will guide any conversations you choose to have with them.

The fact that you're proud of them for being able to be kids speaks volumes about the kind of parent you've become—one who prioritizes their wellbeing and childhood in ways you deserved but didn't receive. That fear you carried about repeating harm shows your commitment to doing things differently, and it's clear you've done exactly that. Many survivors worry about passing on harm, even unintentionally, and that concern shows how determined you've been not to repeat the pain you endured.

It can feel like standing at a crossroads when you think about sharing your past with your children, especially when your own memories are heavy and come rushing back uninvited. When it comes to sharing your story with them, there's no single right answer, and the decision is deeply personal. Some survivors choose to share age-appropriate information when their children are older, while others decide to keep their experiences private.

It might help to consider what you hope your children gain from knowing your story. Some parents find it meaningful to share in an age-appropriate way that they experienced tough times in childhood but are now in a much stronger, safer place. Others wait until their children ask or show readiness for deeper conversations. Some parents share their experiences to help their children understand family dynamics, to model resilience, to explain certain boundaries or behaviors, or to create openness about difficult topics. At 14 and 17, your children are at ages where they can understand complex situations, but you get to decide what feels right for your family.

You might start with broader conversations about respect, boundaries, and healthy relationships before deciding if or how to share your own experiences. Trust your instincts. Your lifelong desire to protect them will help you determine the details you feel comfortable including. The core message might be that hard things did happen, but you've worked to make sure they never experience the same. There's no obligation to share everything or anything at all. Your story is yours, and you get to choose who knows it and when.

The triggers you describe are a common and often upsetting part of healing from trauma. The intrusive thoughts and verbal abuse that replay in your mind are common trauma responses, and they don't mean you're stuck or that healing isn't happening. It can feel unfair, as though your mind presses "rewind" without your permission, forcing you to relive what happened.

When something triggers a memory, your nervous system is responding to a real threat you once faced, even though that threat isn't present now. These moments can feel overwhelming and disorienting, especially when they come out of nowhere. Recognizing that this is how trauma memories can operate is a start, but it doesn't make the flashbacks less painful. In those moments, something as simple as acknowledging, "I'm safe right now, even though my brain is remembering when I wasn't," can gently guide your thoughts back to the present.

[Grounding techniques](https://community.ourwave.org/_external/link?url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.healthline.com%2Fhealth%2Fgrounding-techniques&resourceId=non_specific&localeId=en&countryId=us&src=answer&questionId=4125dbc3-6e18-4397-9ceb-41d3c384e7af&sig=c4d9dbc02fcc65b82ee7f6a1e47d562cc7e34c6925ffec601818a49068150253) can help when you find yourself caught in a memory—engaging your senses by noticing what you can see, hear, touch, taste, or smell in the present moment, or noticing textures or familiar scents around you, can help remind your brain that you're safe now and that you're no longer in the place where the abuse occurred. Some survivors find it helpful to have a phrase they repeat to themselves, something like "that was then, this is now" or "I'm safe in this moment." It can be a real challenge not to blame yourself for having these reminders, but reminding the younger you she did nothing wrong can gradually ease some of that burden.

The apologizing to your younger self shows compassion and recognition that none of what happened was your fault, and that practice of honoring that younger version of yourself is actually part of healing. You're already using such a compassionate approach toward that child you once were, apologizing to her and acknowledging she didn't deserve any of it. That act is more powerful than it might seem. It's a way of gently undoing the shame she was forced to carry. Over time, it can reframe your sense of self so that when triggers do happen, you meet them with kindness toward who you used to be rather than anger or blame. Healing often means tending to yourself just as you'd care for one of your own children—offering reassurance, patience when memories flare up unexpectedly, and acceptance of all the complicated feelings that come along.

Living with triggers is exhausting, and it's okay to acknowledge how hard it is to navigate a world where reminders exist everywhere. If you ever feel uncertain about how to handle these conversations or find the triggers too overwhelming, many survivors find that working with a trauma-informed therapist, particularly someone trained in approaches like [EMDR](https://community.ourwave.org/_external/link?url=https%3A%2F%2Fmy.clevelandclinic.org%2Fhealth%2Ftreatments%2F22641-emdr-therapy&resourceId=non_specific&localeId=en&countryId=us&src=answer&questionId=4125dbc3-6e18-4397-9ceb-41d3c384e7af&sig=87df9eaeae9b98ec14c91eafbe3044f579089321aeebf3357cd4b46ce26ac1ea) or [trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy](https://community.ourwave.org/_external/link?url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.psychologytoday.com%2Fus%2Ftherapy-types%2Ftrauma-focused-cognitive-behavior-therapy%3Fmsockid%3D1103576693d9679310b645d892bb66b2&resourceId=non_specific&localeId=en&countryId=us&src=answer&questionId=4125dbc3-6e18-4397-9ceb-41d3c384e7af&sig=abf3f04d7318edb77cbce8e8bf077b6e0ad464b9256806437e04607c782604f4), can help reduce the intensity and frequency of intrusive thoughts over time and can work alongside you in deciding how to communicate your experiences. These therapeutic approaches can help your brain process memories differently so they don't hijack your present moments as intensely.

You have a wonderful instinct for protecting your family, and it shows in the thought you've put into every word. You've already done so much work to create safety for yourself and your children, and you deserve support in managing these ongoing effects of what you survived. You're doing something remarkable by recognizing these patterns, showing yourself compassion, and continuing to move forward even when the past shows up uninvited. Thank you for sharing your experience with us.

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Canada\]Canada](/answer/for-a-long-time-i-was-afraid-to-have-kids-i-used-to-think-what-if-i-am-like-them-i-dont-want-to-harm-anyonethat-was-a-battle-into-my-late-20s-my-kids-are-now-14-and-17-and-im-so-proud-of-them-just-bei?country=ca)[\[Image: Chile\]Chile](/answer/for-a-long-time-i-was-afraid-to-have-kids-i-used-to-think-what-if-i-am-like-them-i-dont-want-to-harm-anyonethat-was-a-battle-into-my-late-20s-my-kids-are-now-14-and-17-and-im-so-proud-of-them-just-bei?country=cl)[\[Image: Colombia\]Colombia](/answer/for-a-long-time-i-was-afraid-to-have-kids-i-used-to-think-what-if-i-am-like-them-i-dont-want-to-harm-anyonethat-was-a-battle-into-my-late-20s-my-kids-are-now-14-and-17-and-im-so-proud-of-them-just-bei?country=co)[\[Image: Costa Rica\]Costa Rica](/answer/for-a-long-time-i-was-afraid-to-have-kids-i-used-to-think-what-if-i-am-like-them-i-dont-want-to-harm-anyonethat-was-a-battle-into-my-late-20s-my-kids-are-now-14-and-17-and-im-so-proud-of-them-just-bei?country=cr)[\[Image: Cuba\]Cuba](/answer/for-a-long-time-i-was-afraid-to-have-kids-i-used-to-think-what-if-i-am-like-them-i-dont-want-to-harm-anyonethat-was-a-battle-into-my-late-20s-my-kids-are-now-14-and-17-and-im-so-proud-of-them-just-bei?country=cu)[\[Image: Dominican Republic\]Dominican Republic](/answer/for-a-long-time-i-was-afraid-to-have-kids-i-used-to-think-what-if-i-am-like-them-i-dont-want-to-harm-anyonethat-was-a-battle-into-my-late-20s-my-kids-are-now-14-and-17-and-im-so-proud-of-them-just-bei?country=do)[\[Image: Ecuador\]Ecuador](/answer/for-a-long-time-i-was-afraid-to-have-kids-i-used-to-think-what-if-i-am-like-them-i-dont-want-to-harm-anyonethat-was-a-battle-into-my-late-20s-my-kids-are-now-14-and-17-and-im-so-proud-of-them-just-bei?country=ec)[\[Image: El Salvador\]El Salvador](/answer/for-a-long-time-i-was-afraid-to-have-kids-i-used-to-think-what-if-i-am-like-them-i-dont-want-to-harm-anyonethat-was-a-battle-into-my-late-20s-my-kids-are-now-14-and-17-and-im-so-proud-of-them-just-bei?country=sv)[\[Image: Equatorial Guinea\]Equatorial Guinea](/answer/for-a-long-time-i-was-afraid-to-have-kids-i-used-to-think-what-if-i-am-like-them-i-dont-want-to-harm-anyonethat-was-a-battle-into-my-late-20s-my-kids-are-now-14-and-17-and-im-so-proud-of-them-just-bei?country=gq)[\[Image: Guatemala\]Guatemala](/answer/for-a-long-time-i-was-afraid-to-have-kids-i-used-to-think-what-if-i-am-like-them-i-dont-want-to-harm-anyonethat-was-a-battle-into-my-late-20s-my-kids-are-now-14-and-17-and-im-so-proud-of-them-just-bei?country=gt)[\[Image: Honduras\]Honduras](/answer/for-a-long-time-i-was-afraid-to-have-kids-i-used-to-think-what-if-i-am-like-them-i-dont-want-to-harm-anyonethat-was-a-battle-into-my-late-20s-my-kids-are-now-14-and-17-and-im-so-proud-of-them-just-bei?country=hn)[\[Image: Ireland\]Ireland](/answer/for-a-long-time-i-was-afraid-to-have-kids-i-used-to-think-what-if-i-am-like-them-i-dont-want-to-harm-anyonethat-was-a-battle-into-my-late-20s-my-kids-are-now-14-and-17-and-im-so-proud-of-them-just-bei?country=ie)[\[Image: Japan\]Japan](/answer/for-a-long-time-i-was-afraid-to-have-kids-i-used-to-think-what-if-i-am-like-them-i-dont-want-to-harm-anyonethat-was-a-battle-into-my-late-20s-my-kids-are-now-14-and-17-and-im-so-proud-of-them-just-bei?country=jp)[\[Image: Mexico\]Mexico](/answer/for-a-long-time-i-was-afraid-to-have-kids-i-used-to-think-what-if-i-am-like-them-i-dont-want-to-harm-anyonethat-was-a-battle-into-my-late-20s-my-kids-are-now-14-and-17-and-im-so-proud-of-them-just-bei?country=mx)[\[Image: Nicaragua\]Nicaragua](/answer/for-a-long-time-i-was-afraid-to-have-kids-i-used-to-think-what-if-i-am-like-them-i-dont-want-to-harm-anyonethat-was-a-battle-into-my-late-20s-my-kids-are-now-14-and-17-and-im-so-proud-of-them-just-bei?country=ni)[\[Image: New Zealand\]New Zealand](/answer/for-a-long-time-i-was-afraid-to-have-kids-i-used-to-think-what-if-i-am-like-them-i-dont-want-to-harm-anyonethat-was-a-battle-into-my-late-20s-my-kids-are-now-14-and-17-and-im-so-proud-of-them-just-bei?country=nz)[\[Image: Panama\]Panama](/answer/for-a-long-time-i-was-afraid-to-have-kids-i-used-to-think-what-if-i-am-like-them-i-dont-want-to-harm-anyonethat-was-a-battle-into-my-late-20s-my-kids-are-now-14-and-17-and-im-so-proud-of-them-just-bei?country=pa)[\[Image: Paraguay\]Paraguay](/answer/for-a-long-time-i-was-afraid-to-have-kids-i-used-to-think-what-if-i-am-like-them-i-dont-want-to-harm-anyonethat-was-a-battle-into-my-late-20s-my-kids-are-now-14-and-17-and-im-so-proud-of-them-just-bei?country=py)[\[Image: Peru\]Peru](/answer/for-a-long-time-i-was-afraid-to-have-kids-i-used-to-think-what-if-i-am-like-them-i-dont-want-to-harm-anyonethat-was-a-battle-into-my-late-20s-my-kids-are-now-14-and-17-and-im-so-proud-of-them-just-bei?country=pe)[\[Image: Puerto Rico\]Puerto Rico](/answer/for-a-long-time-i-was-afraid-to-have-kids-i-used-to-think-what-if-i-am-like-them-i-dont-want-to-harm-anyonethat-was-a-battle-into-my-late-20s-my-kids-are-now-14-and-17-and-im-so-proud-of-them-just-bei?country=pr)[\[Image: Spain\]Spain](/answer/for-a-long-time-i-was-afraid-to-have-kids-i-used-to-think-what-if-i-am-like-them-i-dont-want-to-harm-anyonethat-was-a-battle-into-my-late-20s-my-kids-are-now-14-and-17-and-im-so-proud-of-them-just-bei?country=es)[\[Image: United Kingdom\]United Kingdom](/answer/for-a-long-time-i-was-afraid-to-have-kids-i-used-to-think-what-if-i-am-like-them-i-dont-want-to-harm-anyonethat-was-a-battle-into-my-late-20s-my-kids-are-now-14-and-17-and-im-so-proud-of-them-just-bei?country=gb)[\[Image: Uruguay\]Uruguay](/answer/for-a-long-time-i-was-afraid-to-have-kids-i-used-to-think-what-if-i-am-like-them-i-dont-want-to-harm-anyonethat-was-a-battle-into-my-late-20s-my-kids-are-now-14-and-17-and-im-so-proud-of-them-just-bei?country=uy)[\[Image: Venezuela\]Venezuela](/answer/for-a-long-time-i-was-afraid-to-have-kids-i-used-to-think-what-if-i-am-like-them-i-dont-want-to-harm-anyonethat-was-a-battle-into-my-late-20s-my-kids-are-now-14-and-17-and-im-so-proud-of-them-just-bei?country=ve)

English

[English](/en/answer/for-a-long-time-i-was-afraid-to-have-kids-i-used-to-think-what-if-i-am-like-them-i-dont-want-to-harm-anyonethat-was-a-battle-into-my-late-20s-my-kids-are-now-14-and-17-and-im-so-proud-of-them-just-bei)[Español](/es/answer/for-a-long-time-i-was-afraid-to-have-kids-i-used-to-think-what-if-i-am-like-them-i-dont-want-to-harm-anyonethat-was-a-battle-into-my-late-20s-my-kids-are-now-14-and-17-and-im-so-proud-of-them-just-bei)[日本語](/ja/answer/for-a-long-time-i-was-afraid-to-have-kids-i-used-to-think-what-if-i-am-like-them-i-dont-want-to-harm-anyonethat-was-a-battle-into-my-late-20s-my-kids-are-now-14-and-17-and-im-so-proud-of-them-just-bei)

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Grounding activity

Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud:

5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window)

4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?)

3 – things you can hear

2 – things you can smell

1 – thing you like about yourself.

Take a deep breath to end.

From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at.

Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one).

Take a deep breath to end.

Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud:

1\. Where am I?

2\. What day of the week is today?

3\. What is today’s date?

4\. What is the current month?

5\. What is the current year?

6\. How old am I?

7\. What season is it?

Take a deep breath to end.

Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder.

Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud.

Take a deep breath to end.

Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment.

Take a deep breath to end.

Try another grounding activity

I feel grounded and ready