--- title: I was between 2 and 4 years old, and the other child was a year older than me. We were best friends and I loved them so much. I didn't realize what happened until it hit me later in life, and having to relive it now hurts so much. I can't bring myself to place blame on them because what if they were also sexually abused? But I still hold anger toward them. They manipulated and coerced me, and I just let them. I remember feeling unsafe and wanting someone to come stop it, but then it also felt good, and I was so confused. They forced me to do things and I couldn't stop until they said it was okay, though I can't remember all of it clearly. I think it might have actually been my daycare worker who stopped us, because they thought we were playing under the blankets during naptime. Thinking about that part makes it worse. ~ Our Wave Community description:

Thank you for trusting us with something this heavy, this layered, and this painful to carry. What you are describing, the love you had for this person,... url: https://community.ourwave.org/en/answer/do-you-think-the-person-who-saed-me-was-also-i-was-2-4-and-the-other-child-was-a-year-older-than-me-but-we-were-best-friends-i-loved-them-so-much-i-didnt-realize-what-happened-until-it-hit-me-later-in-945.md --- {{customAnalyticsScripts}} [\[Image: Our Wave Logo\]\[Image: Our Wave Logo\]](/en/) [ Community ](/en/)[ Questions & Answers ](/en/learn)[ Find Support ](/en/resources) Share story Post a message 0 Users 0 Views 0 Reactions 0 Stories read ##### Need to take a break? 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Send it to us 🇺🇸 # I was between 2 and 4 years old, and the other child was a year older than me. We were best friends and I loved them so much. I didn't realize what happened until it hit me later in life, and having to relive it now hurts so much. I can't bring myself to place blame on them because what if they were also sexually abused? But I still hold anger toward them. They manipulated and coerced me, and I just let them. I remember feeling unsafe and wanting someone to come stop it, but then it also felt good, and I was so confused. They forced me to do things and I couldn't stop until they said it was okay, though I can't remember all of it clearly. I think it might have actually been my daycare worker who stopped us, because they thought we were playing under the blankets during naptime. Thinking about that part makes it worse. \[Image: Dr. Laura\] Answer by **Dr. Laura** PhD Mental Health Nurse & Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner Topics:[Making sense of childhood experiences](/en/learn?tags=making-sense-of-childhood-experiences) Thank you for trusting us with something this heavy, this layered, and this painful to carry. What you are describing, the love you had for this person, the anger, the confusion about your body's responses, the grief of not knowing the full picture, is an enormous amount to hold all at once. And the fact that you are sitting with all of it honestly, rather than shutting it down, says something real about who you are. What happened to you sounds like it was harmful. You were two to four years old. You felt unsafe. You wanted someone to come stop it. You could not stop until you were told it was okay. That is not play. That is not curiosity. That is a boundary being crossed on a child who had no power to end it. None of what happened was your fault, and the idea of "letting it happen" does not apply to a toddler. You did not yet have the ability to agree to something, to say no, or to fully understand what was happening. That responsibility does not belong to you. To answer your question directly: yes, it is entirely possible, and in many cases likely, that a child who starts sexual contact with another child has themselves been exposed to or experienced sexual abuse. Children do not typically know about sexual acts unless that knowledge came from somewhere. A child who is two to four years old, and a friend who is only a year older, are both at ages where sexual behavior does not typically come from within. It usually comes from outside. That outside source is almost always exposure to sexual content or direct abuse. So your instinct to wonder about your friend's own experience is not naive or misplaced. It is actually one of the most well-supported observations in research on child-on-child sexual abuse, however, we can never be certain of course. Here is something important to hold at the same time. That context does not erase what happened to you. Both things are true at once. Your friend may have been harmed themselves, and you were also harmed. Those two realities do not cancel each other out. You are allowed to hold compassion for them and anger toward them at the same time. The anger you feel is not a betrayal of your love for them. It is actually a sign that some part of you has always known that what happened was not okay, even before you had the words for it. Anger is often the first honest emotion that surfaces when we finally let ourselves acknowledge that we deserved better. You are allowed to hold the grief of losing the friendship you had, the love you felt, and the anger about what they did. The part about the daycare worker is worth sitting with gently. An adult was right there and did not see what was actually happening. You were that small, that alone in it, and the person who should have noticed did not. That grief is real, the weight of a rescue that came so close and still did not come, and it makes complete sense that thinking about it makes things worse. That is not something you need to resolve right now. It is something to bring to a therapist when you are ready. The way this hit you later in life, the way memory works in fragments, the way your body responded with both discomfort and physical sensation and how confusing that was, these are all consistent with how the mind and body process early trauma. Trauma is a word for what happens inside us when something overwhelming occurs and we have no way to make sense of it. When something like that happens before a child has language or a framework to hold it, the mind often stores it in pieces, in body sensations and emotional imprints rather than clear, story-like memories. It tends to surface when we are older and finally have enough safety and steadiness to begin processing it. . The confusion about your body responding physically is also worth naming clearly, because so many survivors carry this silently. A physical response to touch is a reflex, meaning it is something the body does automatically, the way your knee moves when a doctor taps it. It does not mean you wanted what was happening, agreed to it, or are in any way responsible for it. Your body doing what bodies do does not mean any part of you wanted what was happening. If you are not already working with a therapist, you might look specifically for someone trained in trauma-focused work with early childhood experiences. Our Wave is also here, and the community includes many people who have asked questions that live close to yours. Sometimes just knowing you are not alone in the confusion is its own form of relief. You were a very small child who wanted someone to come stop it. That child deserved protection. You still deserve care, and you do not have to figure out all of this alone. Random Question 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/do-you-think-the-person-who-saed-me-was-also-i-was-2-4-and-the-other-child-was-a-year-older-than-me-but-we-were-best-friends-i-loved-them-so-much-i-didnt-realize-what-happened-until-it-hit-me-later-in-945#comments) ### Discard message? You have a comment in progress, are you sure you want to discard it? Cancel Discard ##### Similar community content Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Aenean commodo ligula eget dolor. Aenean massa. Cum sociis natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient montes, nascetur ridiculus mus. Donec quam felis, ultricies nec, pellentesque eu, pretium quis, sem. Nulla consequat massa quis enim. Donec pede justo, fringilla vel, aliquet nec, vulputate Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Aenean commodo ligula eget dolor. Aenean massa. 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Ireland\]Ireland](/answer/do-you-think-the-person-who-saed-me-was-also-i-was-2-4-and-the-other-child-was-a-year-older-than-me-but-we-were-best-friends-i-loved-them-so-much-i-didnt-realize-what-happened-until-it-hit-me-later-in-945?country=ie)[\[Image: Japan\]Japan](/answer/do-you-think-the-person-who-saed-me-was-also-i-was-2-4-and-the-other-child-was-a-year-older-than-me-but-we-were-best-friends-i-loved-them-so-much-i-didnt-realize-what-happened-until-it-hit-me-later-in-945?country=jp)[\[Image: Mexico\]Mexico](/answer/do-you-think-the-person-who-saed-me-was-also-i-was-2-4-and-the-other-child-was-a-year-older-than-me-but-we-were-best-friends-i-loved-them-so-much-i-didnt-realize-what-happened-until-it-hit-me-later-in-945?country=mx)[\[Image: Nicaragua\]Nicaragua](/answer/do-you-think-the-person-who-saed-me-was-also-i-was-2-4-and-the-other-child-was-a-year-older-than-me-but-we-were-best-friends-i-loved-them-so-much-i-didnt-realize-what-happened-until-it-hit-me-later-in-945?country=ni)[\[Image: New Zealand\]New Zealand](/answer/do-you-think-the-person-who-saed-me-was-also-i-was-2-4-and-the-other-child-was-a-year-older-than-me-but-we-were-best-friends-i-loved-them-so-much-i-didnt-realize-what-happened-until-it-hit-me-later-in-945?country=nz)[\[Image: Panama\]Panama](/answer/do-you-think-the-person-who-saed-me-was-also-i-was-2-4-and-the-other-child-was-a-year-older-than-me-but-we-were-best-friends-i-loved-them-so-much-i-didnt-realize-what-happened-until-it-hit-me-later-in-945?country=pa)[\[Image: Peru\]Peru](/answer/do-you-think-the-person-who-saed-me-was-also-i-was-2-4-and-the-other-child-was-a-year-older-than-me-but-we-were-best-friends-i-loved-them-so-much-i-didnt-realize-what-happened-until-it-hit-me-later-in-945?country=pe)[\[Image: Puerto Rico\]Puerto Rico](/answer/do-you-think-the-person-who-saed-me-was-also-i-was-2-4-and-the-other-child-was-a-year-older-than-me-but-we-were-best-friends-i-loved-them-so-much-i-didnt-realize-what-happened-until-it-hit-me-later-in-945?country=pr)[\[Image: Spain\]Spain](/answer/do-you-think-the-person-who-saed-me-was-also-i-was-2-4-and-the-other-child-was-a-year-older-than-me-but-we-were-best-friends-i-loved-them-so-much-i-didnt-realize-what-happened-until-it-hit-me-later-in-945?country=es)[\[Image: United Kingdom\]United Kingdom](/answer/do-you-think-the-person-who-saed-me-was-also-i-was-2-4-and-the-other-child-was-a-year-older-than-me-but-we-were-best-friends-i-loved-them-so-much-i-didnt-realize-what-happened-until-it-hit-me-later-in-945?country=gb)[\[Image: Uruguay\]Uruguay](/answer/do-you-think-the-person-who-saed-me-was-also-i-was-2-4-and-the-other-child-was-a-year-older-than-me-but-we-were-best-friends-i-loved-them-so-much-i-didnt-realize-what-happened-until-it-hit-me-later-in-945?country=uy)[\[Image: Venezuela\]Venezuela](/answer/do-you-think-the-person-who-saed-me-was-also-i-was-2-4-and-the-other-child-was-a-year-older-than-me-but-we-were-best-friends-i-loved-them-so-much-i-didnt-realize-what-happened-until-it-hit-me-later-in-945?country=ve) English [English](/en/answer/do-you-think-the-person-who-saed-me-was-also-i-was-2-4-and-the-other-child-was-a-year-older-than-me-but-we-were-best-friends-i-loved-them-so-much-i-didnt-realize-what-happened-until-it-hit-me-later-in-945)[Español](/es/answer/do-you-think-the-person-who-saed-me-was-also-i-was-2-4-and-the-other-child-was-a-year-older-than-me-but-we-were-best-friends-i-loved-them-so-much-i-didnt-realize-what-happened-until-it-hit-me-later-in-945)[日本語](/ja/answer/do-you-think-the-person-who-saed-me-was-also-i-was-2-4-and-the-other-child-was-a-year-older-than-me-but-we-were-best-friends-i-loved-them-so-much-i-didnt-realize-what-happened-until-it-hit-me-later-in-945) For immediate help, visit {{resource}} Made with in Raleigh, NC | Read our [Community Guidelines](https://www.ourwave.org/en/community-guidelines), [Privacy Policy](https://www.ourwave.org/en/privacy), and [Terms](https://www.ourwave.org/en/terms) | [ #### Resources ](/en/resources) ### Post a Message Share a message of 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Name the following out loud: 5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window) 4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?) 3 – things you can hear 2 – things you can smell 1 – thing you like about yourself. Take a deep breath to end. From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at. Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one). Take a deep breath to end. Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud: 1\. Where am I? 2\. What day of the week is today? 3\. What is today’s date? 4\. What is the current month? 5\. What is the current year? 6\. How old am I? 7\. What season is it? Take a deep breath to end. Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder. Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud. Take a deep breath to end. Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment. Take a deep breath to end. Try another grounding activity I feel grounded and ready