--- title: My perpetrator and I were around the same age when the abuse happened, and I understand this falls under what's called COCSA, or child on child sexual abuse. But it's hard for people to understand how it can still be abuse when there was no age gap. I carry so much self-doubt and blame because of this. My therapist isn't very familiar with the term, but she has told me that his age doesn't justify what he did to me. Still, she seems conflicted about calling it sexual abuse or assault because we were the same age, and I wish she would use that language, because it would help me feel less alone. Can you explain how COCSA is still abuse when the ages are the same? ~ Our Wave Community description:

Thank you for sharing this with us. The fact that you and the person who harmed you were close in age doesn't cancel out what happened to you, and the... url: https://community.ourwave.org/en/answer/can-you-explain-how-cocsa-is-abuse-specifically-when-it-comes-to-cases-when-the-victim-and-perpetrator-are-the-same-age-it-just-seems-so-complicated-for-others-to-understand-and-i-feel-so-much-self-do-935.md --- {{customAnalyticsScripts}} [\[Image: Our Wave Logo\]\[Image: Our Wave Logo\]](/en/) [ Community ](/en/)[ Questions & Answers ](/en/learn)[ Find Support ](/en/resources) Share story Post a message 0 Users 0 Views 0 Reactions 0 Stories read ##### Need to take a break? 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Send it to us 🇺🇸 # My perpetrator and I were around the same age when the abuse happened, and I understand this falls under what's called COCSA, or child on child sexual abuse. But it's hard for people to understand how it can still be abuse when there was no age gap. I carry so much self-doubt and blame because of this. My therapist isn't very familiar with the term, but she has told me that his age doesn't justify what he did to me. Still, she seems conflicted about calling it sexual abuse or assault because we were the same age, and I wish she would use that language, because it would help me feel less alone. Can you explain how COCSA is still abuse when the ages are the same? \[Image: Dr. Laura\] Answer by **Dr. Laura** PhD Mental Health Nurse & Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner Thank you for sharing this with us. The fact that you and the person who harmed you were close in age doesn't cancel out what happened to you, and the instinct to push back against that confusion is a healthy one, not a sign you're overreacting. Here's where I think your therapist's hesitation is coming from, and it's worth naming because it might help you talk to her about it directly. There are actually two separate questions tangled together here: whether what happened counts as abuse, and how much responsibility a child perpetrator should carry for it. Those are not the same question. The second one is complicated. The first one is not, at least not for the reasons age similarity raises. What determines whether something was abuse is coercion, power, and consent, not the number of years between two children's birthdays. Coercion can look like force, but it can also look like manipulation, guilt, secrecy, or exploiting a child's trust. Power imbalances don't require an age gap either. Size, confidence, social standing, who initiated, or simply who had more sexual knowledge can all tilt the dynamic so one child has control and the other doesn't. And children, regardless of exact age, do not have the capacity to consent to sexual contact the way adults define it. That's true whether the other person is five years older or five months older. It's also worth naming, without it changing anything about your experience, that children who cause sexual harm to peers have very often been exposed themselves to sexual content, abuse, or environments where boundaries weren't protected. It does not undo what happened to you or shift any responsibility onto you. Both things can be true at once. Part of what makes COCSA so isolating is that there are fewer cultural scripts for it. You've probably absorbed messages like "kids being kids" that made it harder to trust what you know. Your therapist naming that his age doesn't justify what happened is a real starting point. It might help to tell her directly: "I know you've said his age doesn't justify it, but I need to hear it named as abuse to feel less alone with it. Can we talk about that?" You don't need her permission to call it abuse, but having her sit in that clarity with you matters. Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not alone. Random Question 0 Upvote(s) Upvote(s) [ 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) ](/en/answer/can-you-explain-how-cocsa-is-abuse-specifically-when-it-comes-to-cases-when-the-victim-and-perpetrator-are-the-same-age-it-just-seems-so-complicated-for-others-to-understand-and-i-feel-so-much-self-do-935#comments) ### Discard message? You have a comment in progress, are you sure you want to discard it? Cancel Discard ##### Similar community content Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Aenean commodo ligula eget dolor. Aenean massa. Cum sociis natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient montes, nascetur ridiculus mus. 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Violence, hate, or exploitation Threats, hateful language, or sexual coercion Bullying or unwanted contact Harassment, intimidation, or persistent unwanted messages Scam, fraud, or impersonation Deceptive requests or claiming to be someone else False information Misleading claims or deliberate disinformation Submit ### Share Feedback Tell us what’s working (and what isn't) so we can keep improving. Submit ### Log in Enter the email you used to submit to Our Wave and we'll send you a magic link to access your profile. Send link Grounding activity Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud: 5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window) 4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?) 3 – things you can hear 2 – things you can smell 1 – thing you like about yourself. Take a deep breath to end. From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at. Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one). Take a deep breath to end. Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud: 1\. Where am I? 2\. What day of the week is today? 3\. What is today’s date? 4\. What is the current month? 5\. What is the current year? 6\. How old am I? 7\. What season is it? Take a deep breath to end. Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder. Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud. Take a deep breath to end. Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment. Take a deep breath to end. Try another grounding activity I feel grounded and ready