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title: When I was a teenager, I was sexually abused in a relationship, and afterward I became hypersexual. Now, years later, I struggle to enjoy sex or stay present, even with a long-term partner who respects my boundaries and makes me feel safe and comfortable. Is it normal for trauma responses to change like this over time? How can I learn to enjoy sex again without past feelings taking over? ~ Our Wave Community
description: <p>Thank you so much for reaching out and trusting us with something so personal. Wanting to feel present and connected with someone you love is such an...
url: https://community.ourwave.org/en/answer/after-experiencing-sexual-abuse-in-a-relationship-as-a-teenager-i-became-hypersexual-years-later-i-now-struggle-to-enjoy-sex-or-stay-present-even-with-a-long-term-partner-who-respects-my-boundaries-an-968.md
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# When I was a teenager, I was sexually abused in a relationship, and afterward I became hypersexual. Now, years later, I struggle to enjoy sex or stay present, even with a long-term partner who respects my boundaries and makes me feel safe and comfortable. Is it normal for trauma responses to change like this over time? How can I learn to enjoy sex again without past feelings taking over?

\[Image: Dr. Laura\]

Answer by **Dr. Laura**

PhD Mental Health Nurse & Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner

Topics:[Sex, sexuality, and intimacy after trauma](/en/learn?tags=sex-sexuality-and-intimacy-after-trauma)

Thank you so much for reaching out and trusting us with something so personal. Wanting to feel present and connected with someone you love is such an understandable hope, and the changes you are noticing make a lot of sense given what you went through. Many survivors find their responses to sex shifting across the years in exactly this way, and you are not alone in it.

After sexual abuse, some survivors find themselves seeking out sex more often than they did before, sometimes without feeling fully in control of that choice. Clinicians understand [hypersexuality](https://community.ourwave.org/_external/link?url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.charliehealth.com%2Fpost%2Fis-hypersexuality-a-trauma-response&resourceId=non_specific&localeId=en&countryId=ca&src=answer&questionId=6335fbf3-7f4c-4bab-bd50-a5d38583acb8&sig=f4682e91c5794aa300c6962faa9c506ddd31e3fc473f71c9e30cdf9c3784ed8d) after trauma as an attempt to take back control over something that was taken from you, a way to feel something when the rest of you feels numb, or a way of proving to yourself that sex cannot hurt you anymore. Other survivors move away from sex entirely, and many experience both at different points in their lives. Both patterns come from a nervous system doing its best to manage something overwhelming.

The shift you are noticing now, with a partner who makes you feel safe, is something clinicians see often. When life finally feels stable, the body has room to feel what it had to set aside in order to get through.

Part of what makes this so frustrating is that the body does not track time the way the mind does. Trauma is often held as physical sensations and body states, sometimes called somatic memory. Certain cues, such as a kind of touch, a position, or the feeling of being wanted, can bring those old states back before you consciously register why. In those moments, the mind may step back from the body, a response called [dissociation](https://community.ourwave.org/_external/link?url=https%3A%2F%2Foldvineyardbhs.com%2Fblog%2Funderstanding-dissociation-as-a-trauma-response%2F&resourceId=non_specific&localeId=en&countryId=ca&src=answer&questionId=6335fbf3-7f4c-4bab-bd50-a5d38583acb8&sig=c77bf6684069d00ebda73f2c30873817765924bac5e2ea4349723a19e0fa3b8e), which can feel like drifting away, going numb, or watching from a distance. Your body is reacting to what it learned, not necessarily to your partner themselves. Nervous systems tend to change, however, through repeated experiences of safety.

One approach many survivors find helpful is [sensate focus](https://community.ourwave.org/_external/link?url=https%3A%2F%2Fhealth.cornell.edu%2Fsites%2Fhealth%2Ffiles%2Fpdf-library%2Fsensate-focus.pdf&resourceId=non_specific&localeId=en&countryId=ca&src=answer&questionId=6335fbf3-7f4c-4bab-bd50-a5d38583acb8&sig=68940a045c95d667bb7363f64407a2055292c812137217c38d9d4e5fe79fd4db), a set of structured touch exercises developed by the sex researchers Masters and Johnson. You and your partner take turns touching with the only goal being to notice sensation, often with intercourse off the table at first. If you notice yourself drifting, you can slow down and bring your attention to something physically real, like the weight of your body or the sound of your breathing, to help your nervous system register where and when you actually are. Agreeing ahead of time on a simple signal that means "let's pause" can make slowing down an ordinary part of being together rather than something you have to explain in the moment. Over time, your body collects repeated experiences of touch that stays in your control, and new associations form from there. Some couples try it on their own, and others work with a trauma-informed sex therapist who can guide the pacing.

Your body learned to protect you at a time when it needed to, and it can learn safety now, too, at whatever pace feels right for you. A partner who respects your boundaries gives you something real to build on. Pleasure that returns slowly, on your terms, tends to be the kind that lasts, and you are allowed to take all the time you need getting there. Thank you for reaching out to us.

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[English](/en/answer/after-experiencing-sexual-abuse-in-a-relationship-as-a-teenager-i-became-hypersexual-years-later-i-now-struggle-to-enjoy-sex-or-stay-present-even-with-a-long-term-partner-who-respects-my-boundaries-an-968)[Español](/es/answer/after-experiencing-sexual-abuse-in-a-relationship-as-a-teenager-i-became-hypersexual-years-later-i-now-struggle-to-enjoy-sex-or-stay-present-even-with-a-long-term-partner-who-respects-my-boundaries-an-968)[日本語](/ja/answer/after-experiencing-sexual-abuse-in-a-relationship-as-a-teenager-i-became-hypersexual-years-later-i-now-struggle-to-enjoy-sex-or-stay-present-even-with-a-long-term-partner-who-respects-my-boundaries-an-968)

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Grounding activity

Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud:

5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window)

4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?)

3 – things you can hear

2 – things you can smell

1 – thing you like about yourself.

Take a deep breath to end.

From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at.

Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one).

Take a deep breath to end.

Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud:

1\. Where am I?

2\. What day of the week is today?

3\. What is today’s date?

4\. What is the current month?

5\. What is the current year?

6\. How old am I?

7\. What season is it?

Take a deep breath to end.

Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder.

Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud.

Take a deep breath to end.

Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment.

Take a deep breath to end.

Try another grounding activity

I feel grounded and ready