When I was 7-9 years old, I engaged in inappropriate sexual behavior with my much younger sister (who was 3-4) after being exposed to adult content. I recently disclosed this to my family and current partner after keeping it secret for over 20 years. While they have expressed forgiveness, including my sister, I'm struggling with intense guilt and shame about my childhood actions and having difficulty forgiving myself. How do I process these feelings and move forward?

Thank you for your honesty in sharing this difficult experience. Your commitment to taking responsibility and seeking understanding shows significant emotional growth and courage, even as you struggle with these distressing feelings. Let me try to offer some support as you continue to process this and try to move forward.

It's completely understandable that even after receiving forgiveness from your sister and family, you're finding it difficult to forgive yourself after holding this secret for 20 years. When we hold onto something for so long, especially something that carries such deep feelings of guilt and shame, it can be incredibly challenging to let go, even when others have shown us compassion. Your current feelings of remorse come from your adult perspective and moral understanding - a perspective you didn't have as a child.

It's important to recognize that at ages 7-9, you were still developing an understanding of boundaries and appropriate behavior. Children who are exposed to adult sexual content often act out of curiosity without fully grasping the implications of their actions or potential impact on others. Your actions were those of a child who had been exposed to inappropriate content, not an adult choosing to cause harm. While this doesn't minimize the seriousness of the behavior, it helps frame it within the context of childhood development and early exposure to sexual content.

The fact that you've taken the significant step of disclosing this to your family and current partner after so many years shows tremendous courage. While their forgiveness is meaningful, self-forgiveness often follows a different timeline and requires its own kind of work. Consider working with a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in childhood sexual behavior. They can provide a safe, non-judgmental space to process these complex emotions, develop self-forgiveness strategies while maintaining accountability, understand the impact of early exposure to sexual content, and work through shame in healthy ways

Remember that holding onto intense shame, while understandable, doesn't serve you or your family. Working toward self-forgiveness isn't about dismissing what happened, but about acknowledging your growth and commitment to being different. Many people find it helpful to channel these feelings into positive actions, such as educating themselves about childhood development and supporting organizations that protect children.

Be patient with yourself through this process. Healing is a journey, and it's okay to take the time you need to work through these emotions. You deserve the same understanding and kindness from yourself that your loved ones have extended to you. Thank you for reaching out to us with this. You are not alone.