Question

I'm struggling with a memory from 20 years ago, when I was 13-14. There was a single incident where my brother's friend (who was 8-9) and I engaged in clothed rubbing against each other. There was no coercion or secrecy involved, but now this memory is causing me intense anxiety and guilt. While this person seems to be living normally now (we have no contact), I worry about how it affected him and fear potential consequences. After 8 years of therapy for anxiety, my therapist and I believe this incident may be the root cause. I'm seeking help understanding and processing this situation.

Answer

Thank you for sharing your story with us. It takes courage to open up about something that's been weighing on your mind, especially when it involves complex emotions like guilt and fear.

Reflecting on events from our past can often bring up feelings we didn't anticipate. When you were 13 or 14, you were still in the early stages of adolescence—a time when many young people are exploring and learning about themselves and others. Engaging in curiosity-driven behaviors with peers is a part of development for some individuals. The fact that there was no pressure, manipulation, or secrecy, and that both of you seemed to participate without hesitation, suggests that this might have been a mutual exploration between two young people.

It's important to acknowledge that at the time, you were also a child, navigating your own understanding of boundaries and relationships. Our adult perspectives often cast childhood experiences in a different light, which can lead to feelings of guilt or shame. Remember that the way you perceive the event now is influenced by your current awareness and values, which might not align with how you understood things as an adolescent.

Your concern about the well-being of your brother's friend shows that you are a compassionate and thoughtful person. It's natural to wonder if he's okay or if the experience had any impact on him. Since you've mentioned that, as far as you know, he is living a normal life, it might be helpful to focus on your own healing process.

Working with your therapist is a positive step. It sounds like you've made significant progress in understanding yourself over the past eight years. Speaking openly with your therapist about these resurfaced memories can provide you with strategies to manage your anxiety and process your feelings of guilt and shame. They can help you explore these emotions in a safe and supportive environment.

It's also important to practice self-compassion. Forgiving yourself for something that happened when you were young can be challenging, but remember that personal growth often comes from acknowledging and learning from our past. You deserve kindness and understanding, just as you would offer to someone else in your situation.

Remember, you're not alone in this journey. Many people grapple with memories from their youth that resurface later in life. With time, patience, and professional support, you can work through these feelings and find peace. Thank you again for trusting us with your story. We wish you strength and healing as you continue your path forward.